


Better Together

by Neneithel



Series: The Winchester Pact [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:55:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 121
Words: 123,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27507961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neneithel/pseuds/Neneithel
Summary: Dean tries, with Sarah's help to regain some stability.  Sam is troubled by guilt over deceiving Dean and Cas about the Keys of Rhydian and Cas tries to decide what to do about his feelings for Jules.
Relationships: Castiel/Jules
Series: The Winchester Pact [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007640
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

Dean's morning had been spent taking all of Sarah's party supplies back to the farm, where Jack, Cas and Mary were putting them neatly in the barn. Sam, Jules, Mark and Maggie were clearing up the stuff at the bunker. By lunchtime, everything was done and everyone was where they should be, except for Dean, who had promised to go and stay with Sarah in an attempt to do something about what she thought of as his bad coping mechanisms and he thought of as his imminent descent into madness.

The involuntary sharing of thoughts and feelings between him and Cas had been stopped by the magical talismans both now wore, the Keys of Rhydian. They were, according to Sam, one hundred percent effective. Cas agreed that they worked perfectly, so Dean's occasional flashes of feelings that felt like they came directly from Castiel could only be madness or wish fulfilment fantasies. He would never tell Cas, but he missed the connection between them. He could never tell Cas, because to Cas, any contact with Dean's toxic mind and corrupted soul was torture. To enjoy something that so damaged his friend was one of the sicker perversions of his Hell-twisted psyche.

He was afraid. He was perpetually afraid. He feared what Sarah had planned to make him confront issues he had very wisely buried for as long as he could and he feared that he would somehow let Cas know that he still felt like there was a connection and possibly make Cas doubt the talisman he wore. Doubted or not, it would keep working, but Cas needed to have faith in it. He had been a wreck when the mind curse, as they had agreed to call it, was active.

He was afraid of confiding in Sarah and afraid of letting her down. He was afraid that he would be healed of all his excuses and have to engage with life again, which would be painful and difficult and he feared, more than anything, that one day, Sarah would say to him, "I'm sorry, Dean, my dear, but you're right, there is nothing left to save." As he put a small, densely packed bag into the Impala, he was also afraid that he would regret not asking Cas to come too, but he had a good reason for that. Jules had kissed Cas after his birthday party and Dean wanted Cas to pursue that chance of happiness. Besides, without Cas around, he could speak more openly to Sarah about the mind curse and about everything.

"Yep," he said, "I am definitely gonna regret this."

Sam came into the garage. "Are you ready?" he said.

"No, but I never will be." he said. Sam looked better than he had the day before. Their energetic dance off had granted both of them a better night's sleep than usual. He still looked tired and burdened. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay here?"

"I'm sure." said Sam.

"Well, if you need anything, call. If anything happens, call. If you just want to talk, call. I know I seem crazy, but crazy will never stop me wanting to help you."

"You're not crazy." said Sam.

"We know the talismans work." said Dean, "I keep imagining that they don't. That sound sane to you?"

Sam looked miserable. He clearly had no other explanation. He tried anyway. "You're not crazy. You're just concerned about Cas."

"Yeah, about Cas, make sure he's okay. If anything about him seems even slightly off ... " 

"Call you?" said Sam.

"Right." said Dean.

Sam seemed uneasy. "Whatever happens, remember I'm always on your side, always your brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you." he said.

"Even without sanity, I'll never forget that." said Dean.

"You're not insane. Ask Sarah. She says you're perfectly sane."

Cas arrived. "Jack said you're leaving soon." he said.

"I'll go." said Sam, "Keep in touch."

"Yeah. You too." said Dean. When Sam had gone, he said to Cas, "Have you spoken to Jules since that kiss last night?"

"No." said Cas.

"I shouldn't be leaving. You need someone to help you with this." said Dean.

"You think I'm weak and indecisive and will never get anywhere without your help." said Cas.

"No, I think you're shy and insecure and will never get anywhere if you don't start thinking of yourself as someone worthy of her attention."

"Sounds the same to me."

"Yeah, that's because you don't know enough about human stuff." said Dean, "Hence my concern."

"You're going for a few days, not for twenty years. I think we'll survive."

"What did you do last night, when you could have been in the arms of a lovely woman?" said Dean.

"I was in my room, appreciating all my birthday presents, of which her kiss was one of the best and because I let that be our last interaction that night, it's one I didn't destroy with something stupid."

"Like what?" 

"Like trying to tell her how I feel when I have no idea."

"Still?" said Dean.

"I need time to think. You need time with Sarah. Sam needs Jack and Mary, who seem to know exactly what's bothering him. Jules needs time to decide whether I am worth the effort. It's in everyone's best interests for you to get out of here."

"And people say my self-image is bad."

"You hate yourself." said Cas.

"Yeah. Well, you think you don't deserve love."

"Angels aren't even designed for love. Not that kind of love."

Dean got into the car, leaving the door open. "Keep the talisman on. Call me if you need to. Tell me if you need me back here. If anything goes wrong with Jules, let me know and I can tell you how to fix it."

"If you need me to join you there, I can be there as soon as my car can get me there. If you need to talk, I'm here."

"Sam says I'm not crazy."

"The only crazy thing about you is that you think you're crazy." said Cas.

"It'll be okay." he said, not sure which of them he was trying to reassure or whether he was talking about whatever Sarah was about to put him through or Cas's relationship with Jules.

"Yes," said Cas, "It'll be fine." He looked as sceptical as Dean felt. 

Dean closed the door and started the engine.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam sat on his bed and looked at the notes he had made for the life of Rhydian, entirely fictional creator of the talismans that Dean and Cas were wearing. Since Cas had decided to ask Jules to find more information, Sam needed more information for her to pass on. Fortunately, Jules had been very understanding about the deception, accepting that it was the only way to convince both Dean and Cas that they had control over the mental link and thus cause them to take control of it.

The fact that Dean was still able to pick up on Castiel's thoughts was a problem and the fact that he believed the talismans blocked the mind link and thus thought he was imagining the continued sharing of thoughts was a bigger one. Sam had no easy answers and knew that all his clever lies would not long keep Dean from working out exactly what was going on.

He wasn't even sure that some fake information about Rhydian would satisfy Cas. The problem with angelic curiosity was that Cas couldn't be distracted as humans could by the need to eat or sleep. He wouldn't easily forget any detail. Sam's best hope was that his interest in Jules would take precedence over his thirst for knowledge of Rhydian.

When he had returned his notes to their hiding place under the mattress, he went to find Jules who was in one of the archive rooms, working on her own projects. "Good morning." he said, "Is Cas around?"

"I haven't seen him since last night." she said. 

"Oh. Well, he went to say goodbye to Dean." said Sam.

"It's fine." she said, "We're fine. He just needs some time. What did you want him for?"

"I didn't. I just need to tell you something without him around. There are some notes under my mattress. Anything from there can be passed on to him and they will check out. At least, he won't find anything that proves them fake. It should give you something to work with and keep him thinking you're doing the research he asked for. Leave it in my room, though. He won't find it there."

"Thanks, Sam." she said, "How many of us know the truth?"

"You me, Jack and Mom." said Sam.

"Not Sarah?"

"No, we decided not to put her in a position where she had to lie to Cas. I know we've now put you in that position but that's not something we wanted to do ... "

She smiled. "You had no choice. If I'd started digging, I would have found out there was no Rhydian. You shouldn't blame yourself for any of this. You're just doing the best you can."

"If Dean finds out, he won't think so."

"Dean's not stupid. He'll know why you did it."

"All he'll know is that I betrayed him, lied to him, tricked him and made him feel stupid. The reasons why won't matter. If I'm lucky, he'll beat me senseless."

"That's being lucky? What if you're not lucky?"

"Then he'll never forgive me."

"From what I heard, you two have been through a lot worse together. I think he would forgive just about anything you did."

"Sooner or later, we'll find out, because I've never been able to fool him for long. Dean is clever. He's a lot cleverer than I have ever been."

"What about Cas?" said Jules, "How will he react if he finds out?"

"I don't know. He's less predictable and less emotional. I don't think he'll take it as a betrayal like Dean would. Don't tell him you knew any of it was fake. Let him think we fooled you."

"I'd rather just be honest. I think you're right. He would forgive. If he catches us out, I'll rely on that. You give too much thought to everyone else. You're ground zero when this goes wrong."

"And I made all the decisions, all the bad choices."

"Were better ones available?" she said.

"No." he said, "Not that I could see."

"Then you did what you had to do. I'm guessing you gave Jack the same get-out."

"Yeah, he wouldn't take it either. Team Meerkat, I guess."

"Does that make you feel less alone, or just more responsible if anyone gets hurt?" said Jules.

"I like you, Jules, I really do, but Cas is enough for anyone to deal with. Don't start worrying about me."

"You're our leader. Of course I worry about you."

"I can think of four better leaders in this bunker." he said, "Well, one is currently heading to Ionia, but you know what I mean."

"You led us out of a wrecked world into this one."

"We did that together." said Sam.

"By the way," she said, "The advice you gave me about Cas, it helped a lot. Remembering that he doesn't know the rules or notice the subtext makes things a lot easier."

"I saw you two kiss last night." said Sam.

"I'm not sure it was a good idea. It felt right, at the time, but he wasn't in the library this morning."

"I saw the kiss. He was very fine with it."

She smiled. "I hope so. I want things to work out between us. I've never known anyone like him before."

"No," said Sam, "No-one has."

"If you ever think he's not that into me and you think I should back off, tell me. I'm a grown woman. I can take it."

"If it helps at all, I've never seen him like this over anyone. He looks at you in a way I've never seen and that hesitation, that fear, is because he doesn't want to mess up and lose any chance of being with you. I don't know how angels love, but I know they are capable of deep bonds with humans, of profound friendship and absolute love. I also know that if something goes wrong, they fall apart. They blame themselves. Cas wants to get it right."

"I can relate." said Jules, "I wish he came with a set of instructions."

"I think, 'Handle with care' is the best I can offer." said Sam.

"That seems to apply to all of you."

"If you can distract him from Rhydian, without risk to your relationship, do it." said Sam, "But don't compromise what you and he have to help us."

"Do he and I even have anything?" she said.

He said nothing, just showed her his phone and the photo of her and Cas with the words, "Isn't she wonderful?"


	3. Chapter 3

Dean had stopped at the side of the road. It was about halfway between Lebanon and Ionia, a trip too short to justify any kind of rest stop. He checked his phone, though the phone had been on the whole time. He knew it was only cowardice that had made him delay his journey.

He read the Winchester Pact on his phone and it reminded him how badly he would be letting the others down if he, for example, went to a motel and went silent for a week. 

Cas and Sam believed in him. Sarah thought he could do this. He himself must have thought he could, but now he didn't. Now it felt hard and wrong and stupid.

He called Jody. "Are you busy?" he said.

"Too busy for you? Never." she said.

"If I ran away, would you give me sanctuary?"

"Without a second thought." she said, "But you never run away."

"I do from this stuff."

"What stuff?" she said.

"You know me pretty well." he said.

"Yeah, I'd say so." she said.

"I'm not the kind of person who can change. I mean, what you see is what you get and it was all set in stone before I was twenty-five."

"Now you have me intrigued. What exactly are you trying to avoid?" said Jody.

"Sam is better at this stuff. Sam is gonna come out of all the dark stuff stronger and wiser and still Sam, because Sam was always Sam and there's something incorruptible at his heart."

"Sam doesn't change so Sam can change, but you are changeable, so can't?"

"I said I'd try, but if you know you'll fail and waste someone's time, it must be better not to bother."

"Dean, if you thought nothing would change, you'd try just to prove a point. You're looking for a way out because you think something will change."

"I can't do this." he said, "I was hoping you'd tell me it's okay not to."

"No you weren't. You were hoping I'd tell you to do it, whatever it is. So take a deep breath and make us both proud. You're Dean Winchester. There is nothing you can't do."

"If this goes wrong, I'll blame you." he said.

"It's what I'm here for." she said.

"There's no need for Sam to know I almost chickened out." he said.

"None at all. You didn't chicken out. You were afraid you were about to, so you called me."

"Thanks, Jody, for the advice and for the editing of my motives to something less cowardly."

"One thing you need to change is that attitude toward yourself. I shouldn't like you more than you do."

"Sarah would agree with you." he said, "I think she wants to change everything."

"I doubt that very much." said Jody.

"If this backfires and I end up a useless wreck, you may have to adopt me."

"You know me. I'll take in anyone."

"I'll call you soon, tell you how things went." he said.

"If things go badly, call me sooner." she said.

He put the phone away and started driving again. Ramblin' Gamblin' Man played loudly and he tried hard not to think. 

He managed not to think about himself, but started worrying about Sam again. Something big was bothering Sam and it was something he didn't want to talk about. That made Dean even more anxious to know what it was. He had thought they had reached a point where they could tell each other almost anything, so the sudden door slamming shut between them was jarring and disturbing.

Even in the garage, before he left, Sam seemed to be trying to say something and it made Dean wonder how bad the situation was and why Sam, author of the Pact, was so unwilling to let Dean or Cas know what was happening.

He wished he could shake the feeling that Sam was keeping him out of it because he didn't consider him capable of handling it. The thought that Sam saw him as weak, fragile or just deranged hurt him more than he would ever want to admit. He understood it, even considered it justified, but he wanted Sam to see him as his strong, competent brother, not as something useless and damaged. 

He wondered whether Sam saw going to Sarah as a positive step, proving his worth, showing that there was something left in him worth saving or whether he saw it as evidence of how far Dean had fallen, how completely he had failed.

He pulled over to the side of the road again and called Sam. 

"Dean?" said Sam, "Are you at Sarah's place?"

"Soon will be." said Dean, "Sam, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Yeah. Nothing to tell you. Nothing has happened since you left here." said Sam, sounding like he was holding back a lot of information.

"You can always talk to me. Always."

"Yeah and you can always talk to me." said Sam, "If you need me ... If you need anything, I'm here."

"I will never not need you." said Dean.

"Right back at you." said Sam.

"If there were something ... "

"There isn't." said Sam. Dean could hear the tension in his voice, the tone that had always aroused suspicion in a brother who knew him far too well.

"Okay, there isn't, but if there ever is, whatever it is, however stupid or trivial or not my problem it seems, I still care and I still wanna help."

"I know you do." said Sam, "Now go to Sarah. She loves you. She won't be trying to hurt you."

"I'm not afraid of Sarah." said Dean.

"I know and I can't promise the one you are afraid of won't hurt you, because it's all he ever does, but that's why you have to change how he behaves."

Dean remembered a night at a motel when Sam had been seven and Dean had promised never to leave him, because he loved him and he was his brother and that's what brothers did. "Lynchburg, Kentucky." he said.

"Cobalt, Idaho." said Sam.

Dean smiled, remembering eleven year old Sam saying, "Wherever we are, I'm okay if you're there."

"Call me if anything happens." he said.

"Call me if you need me." said Sam.


	4. Chapter 4

As he pulled up at the farm, next to Sarah's old Ford, Dean was unsurprised to see Sarah coming down the path to greet him. She always seemed to be watching for them. He concentrated on looking as calm as possible before he opened the car door and stepped out.

"I was starting to worry." said Sarah, "You usually make it here a lot quicker."

"I didn't tell you when I left." he said.

"Sam called me. He told me you'd just headed out."

"He would. Everyone thinks I'll back out."

"Everyone?" she said, "Or mostly just you?" Before he could answer, she said, "Sam didn't tell me because he thought you wouldn't come. He just wanted me to know what state of mind you were in."

"And what did he say?"

"That you were worried about him and about Castiel, that you think you're crazy, which we both agree you are not." She looked into his eyes and said, "It must have been so hard for you to come here. Well done, my dear."

He wanted to say it was fine, but he didn't. Instead, he admitted, "I called Jody Mills on the way. She has this way of making me ... She's everybody's Mom, I guess, like you. I almost didn't come. I'm not as strong as you think."

She smiled at him. "You made it here. I wouldn't haven't been surprised or very disappointed if you hadn't been able to come here this time. I know you have a thousand reasons not to want to be here. I know you want to run from this. I understand completely, because I used to run from it too."

"I find that very hard to believe." he said, "You don't seem the kind that runs away."

"Neither do you, Dean and we've spent a lot of time and energy making sure that we don't seem that way. That itself can be exhausting. Here, there's no need for that. We've both played all the games there are. We can be honest with each other. We really have to be, because neither of us will easily be fooled."

"In some ways, that's frightening."

"And in other ways, very comforting?"

"Yeah." he said.

She took his arm. "Come into the house. I promise, this is not going to be as painful as you think."

"I'm sorry that I'm so bad at this." said Dean, going with her, "I'm trying to be better."

"You're here. You came, even though you're sure this will hurt."

"I need to fix my head or I need to get out of Sam's way. I can't be a liability to my brother. I can't be the reason he fails."

"You're the reason he is alive to try." she said.

They sat down together at the kitchen table. "So, you decided not to bring Castiel?"

"He has a lot to deal with right now. He and Jules kissed after you left the party last night."

"I like Jules." said Sarah.

"So does he, but he's an angel, so it's never that simple. I'm hoping Mom, Sam and Jules can get him through the whole mess, but the last thing he needs is a distraction here."

"That's not the only reason you didn't bring him."

"The mind curse messed us both up. I can't even discuss it around him and I know it's likely to come up, especially if we're both in the same place."

"Will you do me a favour, Dean?"

"I'd do almost anything for you, Sarah, you know that."

"You need to stop calling it the mind curse, at least in this house."

"Why? That's what it is."

"Because calling it that carries with it a lot of assumptions, like that it's always a bad thing." She raised her hand. "And before you say it, I know you and he both hate it and it always is a bad thing and all that nonsense, but you're both so busy saying how much you hate it, you never consider any other possible aspect to it."

"What do you want me to call it?" he said.

"The mind link? More accurate. Nobody cursed you."

"Does it really make a difference?" he said.

"It makes a difference to me. You and Castiel need to discuss this honestly."

"We have." said Dean.

"No, you haven't. You have a ritualised exchange of declarations of how much you both hate everything about it. That's not an honest discussion."

"Anything more nuanced would distress Cas too much. The mind curse ... mind link," Sarah nodded her approval of the change, "It's so much harder on Cas than on me. He can't handle wading through all this swamp in my head. I need to make sure it does no more harm to him and that includes not talking about it around him."

"And if you do mention it, making sure he knows you hate it as much as he does?"

"Yes."

"And if he doesn't?"

"Doesn't hate it? The last time I tried to use it, his mind was screaming at me to stop."

"You tried to use it?" she said.

"I was trying to apologise. I know using the ... the link was stupid. I messed up and I hurt him more than before and I will never say or do anything that can make that even worse."

"You used it because you loved him."

"That doesn't make it right." said Dean, "I ... I infected him with my sick mind. It hurt him. He shouted at me to stop."

She covered his hand with hers. "Why didn't you tell me about it?"

"I hurt Cas and you love Cas."

"So do you." she said.

"What I did was unforgivable."

"He seems to have forgiven it."

"Well, I can't." he said. He pulled his hand away, feeling unworthy of any kindness.

"It breaks my heart. You two love each other so much and instead of bringing you closer together, it just drives you apart. You think you hurt him just by being human around him ... "

"Not human, corrupted." 

"And he thinks you hate him reading your thoughts."

"I do. There is nothing good in there."

"Then why, having seen it, does he still love you?"

"That's what I keep asking myself."

"Try asking him." she suggested.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam went looking for Cas and found him in his room, lying on the bed, listening to an MP3 player. "I knocked." he said.

"I heard you." said Cas, "I'm very busy."

"Yeah, I can tell. You know there's a woman wondering what you think of her right now?"

"You mean Jules?"

"Yes, Jules. Who else would I mean?"

Cas put the MP3 player aside. "I'm doing this for Jules."

"Doing what? Lying here listening to music?"

"To be precise, songs about love, romantic love that is. I found a lot of songs on the subject."

"It's a popular subject." said Sam.

"Yes, also one much infused with sorrow. To be honest, the death rate from love seems to exceed the death rate from automobile accidents. Love never ends well."

"Love songs about the end of love are sad because any ending to love is a tragedy. Love is supposed to last forever."

"Nothing lasts forever." said Cas.

"We still want it to." said Sam.

"So if I were to fall in love with Jules and she with me, we would both want it to last forever and one or both would expire when it failed to? Or want to expire, which is probably worse."

"You remember when we told you not to overthink this?" said Sam.

"And is it absolutely necessary to call her baby? Because I'm not comfortable with infantilising a mature, intelligent woman like that."

"I don't think I ever called anyone baby in my life." said Sam, "But don't tell Dean you don't like the term."

"The more I listen, the more confusing it all becomes. It's a lot like the will of God in that respect, but with more nauseating metaphors."

"Cas, you don't ignore a woman the day after your first kiss. Universal rule of life among the humans."

"I'm not ignoring her." said Cas, in an irritated tone, "If anything, I am obsessing over her."

"You should be in the same room with her." said Sam, "It's sort of a tradition to see the person you're seeing."

"Did that make sense in your head? Because it makes no sense at all to me. I just have a few thousand songs to go through and then ... "

"The answer isn't in there." said Sam, "The answer is with the woman you kissed last night."

"She kissed me." said Cas.

"You didn't exactly fight her off."

"That was an option?"

"Not one I'd recommend." Sam admitted, "My point is that love and life need to be lived, not studied."

"Perhaps humans would be happier in love if they used the vast resources at their disposal. Do you have any idea how many publications have used the phrase, 'Music is the food of love.' Sam?"

"But you know a lot of books, these days, so you know the phrase originated with William Shakespeare, whose works you know well and who said more about love than any singer ever did."

"No, the phrase in Shakespeare is, 'If music be ... '"

"Yeah, well, misquoting Shakespeare is another universal rule of human life. You're not doing research, Cas. You're hiding from the fact that a woman locked lips with you and turned your mind to cookie dough. That's what's supposed to happen when two people kiss."

"But I kissed April and it was good. It was better than good. It was incredible, actually. Jules kissed me and it felt different."

"Jules was not a reaper who seduced you and then tortured and killed you."

"And that's just one of her amazing qualities."

"Yeah, your bar is so low it trips ants."

"Translation to English, or any of Earth's other languages?" said Cas.

"Okay, dumbed down so even an angel can get it, April wasn't in love with you. Jules just might be."

"I want to know that for sure and I want to know if I love her."

"Then talk to her and find out." said Sam, "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Oh, anything, Sam. One world she was on already ended in a war between Heaven and Hell."

"Not, I think, her fault."

"Even when two people love each other more than life itself, one little apocalypse comes along and it's all over."

"If you want to know how you feel about her, talk to her." said Sam, beginning to lose patience.

"Sam, I don't think she knows." said Cas.

"You know, if you go now and spend some time with her and talk to her, I think you'll both figure it out."

"I messed up the reaction to the kiss, Sam." said Cas.

"Not from what I saw." said Sam.

"I should have said something or done something or something. Even the old pizza man move would have been better than just standing there."

"Trust me, it wouldn't." said Sam.

"Her lips touched mine for a moment and it felt like fire ran from my lips all the way down to my feet and I couldn't move or think or speak, so I just stood there, like a dumb, stupid angel and did nothing. Sam, how am I ever going to have any kind of relationship with anyone if I'm rendered insensible by every kiss?"

"And you're still not sure how you feel about her?" said Sam.

"How can I be? I can't think when I'm with her. Even now, just thinking about her, my mind is a mess. I remember the kiss, every tiny sensation, but what I was thinking during the kiss, I have no idea." 

"Maybe you weren't thinking at all." said Sam, "Maybe you were too busy feeling."

"Angels don't ... "

"Yeah, I know. Angels don't get overwhelmed by feelings. Angels don't doubt or rebel or wash dishes in a bunker because they want to be part of the family."

"Dean thinks I should have followed her."

"He's had worse ideas."

"But I couldn't move."

"Why don't you tell her that?" said Sam, "That sounds like a great way to break the ice."

"How icy did she seem?" said Cas, looking worried.

"Not at all." said Sam, "Just a little unsure what she means to you."

"Maybe it's too late." said Cas.

"Every chance of happiness I ever had is dead. Dean doesn't even think about a chance for himself now. You owe it to us to go up to the living woman you very probably love and try, just once, to talk to her in an intelligent, mature and honest way."

"Every human love ends badly. I am an angel who has made more mistakes than any other being in the universe. You really think this is going to be anything but a disaster?"

"I have faith. Now go and find her and tell her what the kiss did to you."

"And if she never meant it to be more than friendly?"

"Cas, I've had my share of kisses and that was not the kind you get from a solicitous maiden aunt."


	6. Chapter 6

Cas went into the archive room quietly through the open door.

Jules looked up and smiled. "Hey, Cas."

"Hello, Jules. I was wondering if I can help with anything." he said, trying to gauge how angry she might be.

She looked at his tie. "You're not wearing either of the ties I gave you, so you're giving me no clue about whether you want to talk or not."

"Deliberately." he said, "It seemed to be your decision to make, not mine."

"Because?" she said.

"Because you took a risk in kissing me last night and you must, by now, have some idea of how that worked out and whether you want further interaction with me or whether you'd rather never see me again."

"You think the second one is a possibility?"

"I know my reaction to the kiss was wrong." he said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting it and I don't improvise well. You have every reason to be angry with me."

"I'm not angry." she said.

"How are you not angry?" said Cas, "Sam says it's a universal rule that you don't ignore a woman after your first kiss. I wasn't really ignoring you, more struggling to decide on any kind of response, but it must have seemed ... "

"You don't know any of those rules, Cas. It would be very unfair to hold you to them. You and I don't need their rules. We'll make our own rules. Our first rule is that what you feel is important. Whether your feeling matches some clichéd version of romance is not. I want to be with Castiel, the angel who makes his own choices, not some Hallmark cookie cutter parody of a man."

"I'm not entirely sure I grasp the meaning of that."

"It means, I kissed you. How did it make you feel?"

"Like I had never felt before." he said, "That kiss stunned me. It left me unable to think or speak or move. I still remember every detail. I'm still not thinking clearly."

"Oh. I was not expecting that." she said.

"Neither was I. I think I may be incapable of handling this level of emotional confusion."

"So you want to just pretend it never happened? Okay. We can do that. We can just be friends."

Cas felt a sudden weight on his chest. "Is that what you want?" he said. He had known it would be, but hope apparently liked to torment angels.

"Of course it's not what I want." she said, then her voice became gentler, "Sorry. I shouldn't say of course when I know you don't read things the same way we do. I don't want to walk away from what feels like something wonderful, but if the choice is to be friends or to be strangers, I'd sooner have you as a friend than not at all."

"Oh." said Cas.

"If, on the other hand, you wanted to be brave and explore the wild world of emotions with me, I think we can do that. I think we just need to take things slowly and I mean glacially slow. I won't ask you to make any giant commitments or define feelings you don't understand. The only thing I need to know now, I already know. You won't play games with my feelings. You won't hurt me intentionally."

"No, never." he said, "But people around me do get hurt a lot and angels cannot always control their actions, Heaven can hijack me."

"Understood." said Jules, "I think you're worth the risk and I'm happy to take it."

"Are you sure?"

"I watched a world die around me." she said, "That gives you a different perspective. Life can be short, bloody and pointless, so let's grab it by the throat and make it mean something. I like being around you. I like the way you smile, as if you're not sure you're allowed to. I like the way you make me laugh. I like the fact you don't ever stop loving those that matter to you. I'd like, one day, to drag you into a bedroom and not let you out for a week, but I can wait until you find that as desirable a prospect as I do. Of course, all this is meaningless unless you want the same thing."

"The ... uh ... the bedroom thing?" said Cas.

She grinned. "That was mostly a joke. I joke when I'm nervous."

"Mostly?" he said.

"Mostly." she confirmed, with a smile that seemed to start a warm glow in his stomach. "I'm asking if you want a relationship with me." she said, "And we don't even need to decide what kind."

"I do." he said, his voice wavering.

"Good. Now we both know where we stand. We're together and we get to define what that means when we're ready to."

"That sounds good." he said.

"Yes, it does, doesn't it?"

"Why were you nervous?" he said.

"The stakes are high for me too. I value our friendship. I don't want to lose it, searching for something else. But I do want the something else. Are you happy, Cas?"

"Yes." he said.

"Really happy?"

"Yes." he confirmed.

"Because you look terrified."

"Happy and terrified." he said, "You can't be both? Isn't that the whole point of roller coasters?"

"You told me you didn't understand the appeal of roller coasters."

"I'm starting to, a little." he said.

She moved closer. "Do we tell people we're together?"

"Do you want to?"

"Do you?"

"I want to tell Sam and Dean and Jack."

"Tell anyone. I don't mind." she said, "Now, I need to know what you're comfortable with. Do you want me to avoid kissing you again for a while?"

"I think, really, we should kiss some more, so I can get used to the strong emotional and physical reaction." he said.

"Good, because I liked the kiss too. Now, we're not going to have sex unless and until you feel ready for it, which could take decades, but that's fine. It's a big move and I know there are bad memories attached to all that for you. I just want to be clear that when you are ready, I'm unlikely to turn you down."

"Oh." said Cas, feeling his throat constrict and his heart flutter. "That's useful information. Thankyou."

She smiled. "You are so sweet when you get like that. Now, where are we on innocent, affectionate contact? Is that likely to be too much for you too?"

"By that you mean ... ?"

"Touching each other's hands, faces, shoulders."

"The desire to touch you right now is becoming difficult to ignore." he said.

"Good." she said, "I feel the same way." She took his hand and held it. "How does that feel?"

"That feels good." he said, "Really good. Could we kiss now, please?"

She kissed him gently on the lips, then he went for a deeper, more intense kiss and she responded. He knew it lasted for seconds, but it felt like years. He might not be the master of eloquence but he felt his non-verbal communication was coming on apace.

After the kiss, he realised he was still holding her hand. He slowly let it go, maintaining eye contact, wishing he had something intelligent to say.

She reached out to touch his hair, doubtless to fix some imperfection she saw. Then she smiled. "Kissing works." she said.


	7. Chapter 7

Sarah had made a pot of tea and Dean watched her pour it. Considering the torture he had been expecting, he was enjoying the quiet domesticity. As soon as he had thanked her for the tea, she was getting a pie from the shelf. "Apple pie and cream?" she said.

"Sarah, I am seriously considering marrying you." he said.

She smiled. "I don't think you could keep up with me." she said.

"You're probably right." he admitted.

She put a large slice of pie in front of him and a jug of cream beside it. He poured the cream as she fetched him a spoon. "I bet you haven't had much to eat today, have you?" she said.

"Not much." he said, knowing he was admitting the extent of his fear.

She sat down and poured the cream over her own, smaller piece of pie. "But now you're here and it's not so bad, so you can eat with me."

"Not so bad so far." he said, "The pie is perfect."

"I know it's hard to believe sometimes, but I don't want you to suffer." she said, "There will be times when you do, because you can't heal trauma without some awakening of it, but nothing I do will ever be intended to hurt you. Remember that I don't have the same contempt for you that you have. You sometimes hurt yourself because you think you deserve it. I don't agree."

"I don't think contempt is the right word."

"Look back through your life. At what point do you think of yourself as worthy of love or kindness?"

"I haven't always been a bad person." he said.

"You've never been bad." she said.

"I was a demon."

"How do you see the fifteen year old you?"

"Whiny, selfish, full of himself."

"Nothing good?"

"He was loyal. He was brave."

"Your ten year old self?"

"Always scared, always angry. But you want something good, right? He loved Sammy. Didn't do a great job of taking care of him, but he loved him. Useless, not heartless."

"Suppose you'd been there as an adult hunter the night your mother died. Suppose you'd been the one to talk to four year old Dean, after he carried his baby brother to safety. What would you say to him?"

"Nothing. He wouldn't hear it."

"Forget I said Dean. It's another kid, four years old, shocked and shaking and he just carried his little brother out of a burning house.You've comforted kids in that kind of situation before. What would you say?"

"I'd tell him he was a hero, that because of him, his brother gets to live his life."

"But you still can't say that to the young you, or even about him?"

"No, I can't. I left Mom to burn. I didn't even try to help her. I ran away."

"Wasn't she already dead?"

"I didn't try." he said.

"You were four years old and obeying a direct command from your father and by doing so, you saved Sam's life. You would twist the facts 180 degrees to defend Sam or any other kid who did something, so why is it so hard to say to your own four year old self that it's not his fault when the facts clearly show that there was nothing he could have done to save her?"

"That night, everything ended." he said, "I was there. I should have stopped it. I could have done more. If I hadn't left the room ... "

In the back of his mind, there was suddenly a fireball and Cas saying, "What is this? What's happening."

Dean dropped his spoon. "Cas?" he said.

"What is it?" said Sarah.

"Cas." said Dean, "It's happening again. I'm imagining a connection that no longer exists."

"Do you need to call Cas?" she said.

"No. This is just my imagination." he said, "Of course discussing what we were discussing made me think of Cas. Then I just imagined something weird. Cas confused by a fireball. Cas has weirder things than fireballs for breakfast. This is why I hate all ages of Dean, because he's dumb and useless and out of his mind. Sam's been through all the same stuff and he's fine. Well, not fine fine, but Winchester fine."

"Something may have happened. Maybe the talismans can't block everything. Maybe the bunker is under attack."

"What I felt didn't feel like an attack." said Dean, but he called his brother anyway. "Sam, is something wrong?"

"No, I would have called you." said Sam.

"Is Cas okay?"

"Cas is doing archive stuff with Jules." said Sam, "You want me to check on him?"

"No." said Dean, "So the bunker isn't under fireball attack?"

"No, it isn't." said Sam.

"And you'll call me any time that changes?"

"Dean, stop worrying about us. Is something wrong there?"

"No. I'm eating apple pie."

"I'm happy for you."

"Just look after Cas." said Dean.

"Of course I will."

Dean ended the call and looked at Sarah. "Can you fix this level of insanity?"

"You're at least as sane as I am." said Sarah, "You're just a little buffeted by life."

He ate his pie in silence for some time, watching her watching him with loving concern. Eventually, he said, "I know what I'd say to four year old Dean now." he said.

"What would you say?" she said.

"I'd say, 'Kid, it's okay. No matter how bad things get, no matter how scared you are, no matter how much your mind gets twisted and broken, you are not alone. You will never be alone."

"Have another piece of pie, Dean. You deserve it."


	8. Chapter 8

Sam went to the archive where Jules was working and found her and Cas sitting on the floor sorting through old letters. They looked happy enough and with no sign of any fire around them, Sam wondered whether Dean had picked up anything real at all.

"Everything okay here?" he said.

Cas smiled. "Everything here is great." he said, "You should know that Jules and I have decided that we have some kind of relationship."

"To be defined at a later time." said Jules.

"But she really does like me." said Cas.

"He really thought I might not." said Jules.

"He doesn't think he should set his sights too high." said Sam, "And he's a little in awe of you."

"I am." said Cas, "For obvious reasons."

"It's great." said Sam, "I think you two have real potential."

"Thanks for telling me to talk to her." said Cas, "It was very good advice."

Sam smiled at both of them. They looked very content and comfortable in each other's company and he doubted their conversation could have made either Cas or Dean see fireballs attacking the bunker, so it seemed this once, Dean had imagined the connection. 

That was reassuring. He didn't believe he could keep the deception going much longer, but he would for as long as he possibly could, to buy Dean and Cas as much time and as much peace as possible.

"What are you working on?" he said.

"Just going through the more tedious, routine correspondence." said Cas, "There may be something mentioned that leads to something interesting."

"Well, let me know if you find anything."

"We will." said Cas, "Can you let Dean and Jack and Mary know our news? You'll tell it better than I can."

"Yeah, okay, don't worry." said Sam, glad to have some good news to pass on for a change, "Congratulations, both of you."

"Only, tell Dean, we're taking it slowly." said Cas, "Not inaction, conscious, sensible choice."

"That seems a good idea." said Sam.

"All her ideas are good ideas." said Cas proudly.

Sam smiled. He left and went to the armoury, where Jack was checking the inventory. "Jack, good news! Cas and Jules are together."

Jack's smile lit the room. "That's great!"

"Don't rush them. Don't ask intrusive questions and if they seem to want to be alone, be somewhere else."

"Of course." said Jack, "So have they ... "

"It's Cas. Of course not." said Sam.

"Right."

"But they're together and they're happy and Cas has finally stopped looking so nervous around her. He wanted me to tell you."

Jack nodded. "You know the best thing? If Cas is in love, he won't throw his life away."

"I hope not." said Sam, "Oh, and it sounds like Dean thought he picked up something from Cas, but I think this one was his imagination. Fireballs attacking the bunker. Cas was in the archive at the time, examining very boring paperwork. Nothing very explosive there."

"Does that mean Dean is going crazy after all?" said Jack.

"No, Dean is fine. He's just under stress and worrying about Cas and Michael and the bunker. I'll call him and let him know about Cas and Jules. That'll make him feel better. Cas also wants me to tell Mom. I think he wants it kept to the family for now."

Sam sent his mother a text, merely saying, "Jules and Cas are together." That was enough for her, he knew. She would understand the delicacy of the situation and allow them to progress at their preferred pace.

Then he called Dean, who answered sounding anxious. "What's happened?" he said, "Were there fireballs?"

"No," said Sam, "No fireballs. I'm just calling because I have some good news."

"We just spoke a little while ago. What news?" said Dean, still sounding like he might be expecting something bad, disguised as something good.

"Cas and Jules are together."

"Together together or just in the same room?" said Dean.

"Together together but not together together together, if that makes sense."

"You mean he's being Cas about it."

"I mean they decided to take it slowly, which is good, because fast will just freak him out."

"Yeah." said Dean, "Hey, at least they talked about it. They'll get there."

"He wanted me to tell you. I assume he assumes you'll tell Sarah."

"Oh, I think she's figured it out already." said Dean, "You should see her smile."

"You should have seen Jack's." said Sam.

"I thought I was picking something up from him. I thought something was wrong." said Dean.

"Yeah, well, you weren't and it wasn't. He's happy. He's with her right now in the archive, looking happier than I've seen him since ... well, since the Empty spat him back out."

"I've never been so happy to be wrong, even if it does confirm I'm totally detached from reality."

"Or stressed and worried about a friend." said Sam.

"Sam, my head is a mess."

"I know, but you're sane. You think insane people worry this much about their sanity?"

"I did tell you they'd kiss at the party, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did."

"So what's that you owe me? Twenty dollars?" said Dean.

"I didn't take the bet."

"Only because you knew you'd lose." 

Sam laughed. "Whatever. He wanted you to know."

"I'll text him. I'm proud of our little fledgling."

"Yeah. Maybe don't call him that." said Sam.


	9. Chapter 9

Sarah and Dean were now in the parlour. They sat together on the couch. It felt right, though he usually kept a greater distance. He watched her a little warily, uncertain what she would say.

"When you heard about Castiel and Jules and yesterday, at his party, there was real happiness, wasn't there?"

"He needs something good in his life, something real."

"Something better than you?"

"He has me. He'll always have me. As long as I live, anyway."

"You tell me you're beyond help, beyond joy, but you can still find joy in a friend's happiness."

Dean smiled. "That friend deserves everything good and Jules understands him. I love that we finally found a woman who gets why he is the way he is. She could make him truly happy."

"Since we met, I have never seen you look so happy as you do now. I love the fact that the one thing that can still bring that light into your eyes is somebody you love finding something wonderful. I wish you could see as clearly as I do what that says about who you are, but you're not ready for that yet, are you? You're still too angry with yourself to see the good."

"I'm not angry," said Dean, "It's just that I see the bad as well as the good. I see the cruel and selfish and heartless things I did."

"You've called yourself heartless twice today. I see a man with a heart that can't stop caring about others. You say you're selfish, but all the wrong things you say you have done were done to save others, selfless sacrifice. As for cruel, you feel another's pain as deeply as your own and you care more about it, but we won't argue about that now. Today, we should just enjoy the great news that the angel we share is happy."

"Leaving him at the bunker was the right choice." he said.

"For him, possibly." she said.

He smiled at the easy win she handed him. "You said his happiness is the one thing that can give me joy, so it was good for me, too."

"If I could make you, Sam and Castiel tell the truth to each other for an hour, miracles could happen."

"Yeah, good luck with that. We're all trying, but Sam is keeping a big secret and even I can't make him tell it."

"What secrets are you still keeping from the others?" she said.

"Not a damn thing. I am an open book."

"Except that Castiel doesn't know you keep thinking you're reading his thoughts." she said.

"Knowing would have made him doubt and now we know it was just imagination, because I thought I saw a fireball attack and there wasn't one. So I was right not to tell him and now there is nothing to tell him."

"So honesty is now your only policy?"

"I'll be honest and say until I need to lie." he said.

"Then be honest with me. Are you eager to see Castiel with someone who loves him because you think you won't be around much longer?"

"That's very direct, almost brutal."

"We're doing honesty, today, my dear."

"Somehow, someday and probably very soon, Michael, the worst archangel in a family that includes Lucifer and Raphael will turn up in this world and start wiping it out. We'll stop him. We'll take him out. Nobody in the bunker is gonna run from that fight. But some of us will die. Some of us will be blown out like a candle in a hurricane."

"And you want it to be you?"

"I won't let it be Sam. Cas wants it to be him, but now maybe he won't. I won't let it be him. He's done enough dying for this world and for this family."

"Isn't Jack stronger than archangels?" she said.

"Stronger than Lucifer, possibly stronger than Michael."

"Castiel says probably."

"Yeah, ask him if he wants the kid on the front line. Let's see what faith he has in the probability then."

"I'm really struggling to see the demonic side of you." she said, "You're talking about dying to protect a probably invulnerable superman because his death would hurt Castiel."

"I don't plan to die. Believe me, I'm a survivor by nature. It's just that, if anyone has to die, the nephilim and the angel and the scholar who has beaten Satan more often than I've beaten eggs are all too valuable to lose."

"And you're worthless."

"Not worthless, just worth less. By any objective measure."

"You're claiming to be objective about yourself?" said Sarah.

"All three of them have a better chance of resurrecting me than I do of resurrecting them. If any one of us survives, his first job is to bring the others back."

"Your cavalier attitude to life and death suggest either a lot of faith or a lack of concern for your own survival. You don't seem to me to be someone with a great deal of faith in anything."

"I've died over a hundred times. It's not a big deal anymore."

"But the thought of Sam or Jack or Castiel dying ... "

"We're not rational about the people we love. You know that." he said.

"Have you ever wished you never came out of that burning building?" she said.

He looked at her in surprise. It seemed a strange, even cruel question. "No." he said, "Who would have taken care of Sam?"


	10. Chapter 10

After several hours in the dusty archive, Jules suggested a break for coffee and Cas went with her to the kitchen. He made the coffee, while Jules sat at the table, checking her phone. When he sat down, putting the mugs of coffee on the table, she looked up and said, "I need to ask you something. Did it bother you that I danced with other people yesterday?"

"No." he said, "Why would it? You were having fun and I like to see you happy."

"I had this ex. He was always jealous. He would have flipped out over that."

"Why? You danced with them. You didn't pledge eternal love to any of them."

She smiled. "That's what I like about you. You're not screwed in the head."

"I'm not?" he said.

"No. You're rational and intuitive and so not my creepy ex. If you ever want to know the whole miserable story, by the way, I'm fine with telling you everything."

"If you ever need to tell me, I'm fine with listening." said Cas, "But I don't need to interrogate you about the past."

"It was a long time ago." she said, "Then there was an apocalypse and my personal problems didn't seem so important."

"The one good thing about apocalypses." he said.

"Well, there was another good thing about that one. It meant I got to meet an angel from another dimension. That turned out to be a really good thing."

He smiled. He looked at his phone. "There's a text from Dean."

"Does it say, 'Run away from the scary hunter woman'?"

"It says, 'Congratulations. Proud of you, kid.' I think Dean sometimes forgets I was old before his single-celled ancestors evolved in the sea."

"I think everyone around Dean soon comes to be thought of as his little brother or sister." said Jules. She fiddled with her own phone and another text flashed up on his. It said, "You're gorgeous."

He smiled and sent back, "A mirror seems to have gotten between us."

Her reply was an emoji blowing a kiss.

"I wish I knew enough about love to know if I am as much in love with you as I would be if I had any sense." he said.

She laughed. "Cas, you say the weirdest, sweetest things." She quickly added, "I'm not laughing at you. You just make me happy."

"I like that." he said, "I don't think I make many people happy."

"Everyone at the party thought you did."

"I know you plan to leave the bunker ... "

"Eventually." she said, "Not soon."

"But when this is over and Michael is defeated, will you be going back to your world?"

"I've given that a lot of thought." she said, "The truth is, there is nothing left there for me. Even if I hadn't found someone here that I really want to stay with, I don't think making a life there will be worth the effort. I'll never forget the world I left, but I feel my future, if any of us has one, is here."

"Good." he said, "I would never try to keep someone from the place they feel is home, but I am very glad I won't have to lose you that completely."

"You don't need to worry about the love stuff." she said, "I know why you can't say any of it and I'm glad you're not just saying it because you feel you should. I like honesty, Cas. I know that, if you ever do say it, you'll mean it."

"I like being with you. I respect you. I like you. I value your thoughts and I enjoy your company. If I don't love you, I at least know that I should."

"It's hard for me to say too." she said, "My past relationships were not successes."

"I think the same could be said of mine." he said.

"But that's okay. Their loss. They set us free to find this. And maybe this isn't a fairytale love, but it's something and it makes me happy and for that, Cas, I love you, but don't say it back now. Say it when you know it's true."

"I know that I want it to be true." he said.

"Well, that's a start, isn't it?"

He looked at his phone. He couldn't stop worrying about Dean. He wanted to know what was happening and whether Dean was okay. He touched the chain around his neck.

"Something's bothering you." she said.

He wanted to tell her, but it was not his story to tell. He sent a quick text to Dean, saying, "How honest can I be with Jules about the mind curse and the reason for your absence?" Just sending it made him feel bad. He knew Dean did not like any of it being discussed even inside the family. 

The wait for a reply was agonising. Finally, it appeared. "Sarah says we can't call it that now. Go with mind link or something." Then, "If you trust her, I trust you."

"Thanks." he sent back, the single word woefully inadequate to express his gratitude.

"What is it?" she said.

"What I'm about to tell you is not for anyone else to know. Only the Winchesters and Sarah know about it. You can talk about it to them, but nobody else. I'm going to tell you about the mind curse and about Dean and why I'm worried about him."

"Mind curse? Okay, go on. I can keep secrets."

"We can't really talk here. Let's go to my room."


	11. Chapter 11

"You're looking worried again." said Sarah. Her ability to see every sign of anxiety only added to Dean's.

"Yeah, I just gave Cas permission to tell Jules anything he likes." he said.

"Brave move. Why did you do it?"

"Because in all the time I've known him, he never knowingly broke a confidence. If I'd said shut up around her, he would have. Besides, the mind curse ... I mean, that thing, it messed him up most. Maybe he needs to talk about it."

"Maybe you do. Maybe, you could talk about it together."

"You never give up. I like that about you, when you're turning it on other people."

"You want me to use it on Sam?" she said.

"Yeah, that would be good. Someone needs to find out what's wrong."

"Don't worry. I'm working on Sam too. I plan to help all of you. All of you, of course, includes you."

"I'm here, aren't I?" he said.

"Yes, you are, but you keep thinking you should be at the bunker. Because you fear it's in danger or because it feels safer for you than here?"

He smiled. "Do I need to answer that?"

"I suspect the answer is both. You never stop needing to protect everyone, do you?"

"Every time I leave someone unprotected, they die, or worse." he said, "If I seem overprotective, it's because the people I care about are overendangered."

"And also, you see yourself as having no purpose but to protect those you see as more valuable." she said.

"Yes, and that." he said.

"Sam idolises you. He doesn't see you as either inferior or expendable."

"Little brothers. They don't see things too clearly."

"An angel of the Lord follows you around like a lost puppy."

"The Lord stopped taking care of him. A puppy needs someone to feed him."

"I, who have been around the world and met heroes of every stripe and kind, think you may be the best human being I have ever known."

"You're forgetting Sam."

"Fine, as good as Sam."

"Now you're selling Sam short." he said, "And if you do that, we can't be friends."

She shook her head. "You're very stubborn."

"You've met my Mom. It's a Campbell thing. And a Winchester thing. Frankly, I never stood a chance."

"Hand me that blue photo album." she said, pointing to the shelf behind him.

"This one?" he said, picking it up.

"Yes. Some of our aid trips in Africa." She took it from him and started flipping through the pages. He saw a very unexpected photo.

"Is that you arm wrestling a soldier?" he said.

"Yes. I had a sort of wiry strength in the old days. I often won."

"Or they let you win because you were clever and cute."

"Don't flirt with me, Mr Winchester. I'm old enough to be your grandmother."

"I've kissed the sister of God. Age ain't a thing."

She laughed. "Dean, you may also be the funniest man I have ever known."

"I could be that." he said, "That's possible."

"Well done. You accepted a compliment without telling me why you don't deserve it."

"My ego's so big it's about to be made a national park." he said.

She pointed to a photo of aid workers in a refugee camp. "See that man there? That's my husband."

Dean looked. The man was holding a baby and two other children were standing beside him. His eyes were on the baby, not on the camera and he held the hand of the little boy, while the girl smiled up at him. "Yeah, I see what you saw in him." he said.

"Kids loved him, wherever we went. I fell in love with him when he went to a child who had lost everything in a flood and he talked to her for hours until he made her feel safe enough to sleep. When he died, he was trying to warn people of the landslide that was coming. He died as he had lived, saving people, as many as he could."

He put his arm around her shoulder. "I'm so sorry. You've lost so much."

"Yes and losing him broke my heart. People say love fades into something dull and practical, but they're wrong. I fell in love again every time he smiled at me. Every day of our marriage, I loved him like a young girl with her first crush. He made me laugh. He made me smile. When he was gone, so much was gone from my life. All I had was our boy, Carl. Then, too soon after, I lost him too." Tears began to fall. 

Dean hugged her more tightly. "I hate to think of you, all alone with that kind of pain to endure."

"You've lost more." she said.

"I was never in love." he said.

"Never?"

"I don't think I'm wired right for love. I don't seem to have the capacity."

"You do, my dear. You just don't see it. The worst thing to lose is yourself and you lost yourself before you even really knew who you were."

"I don't think I am much of a loss." he said.

She showed him a photograph of a group of families at the camp. "Refugee camps are not the most hopeful of places, but you will find people there who, without any hope left, keep going, to save their families, to get their children out of danger."

He nodded. Their faces told the story and he could only be amazed by their courage in the face of their own, personal apocalypses.

"I wish someone had done that for you, Dean. I wish someone had seen what danger you were in. You gave Sam all the love and support you lacked."

"Dad loved me." said Dean, not sure which of them needed to hear it most.

"I'm sure he did, but you didn't feel safe or loved, did you?"

"That was a long time ago." he said.

"Well, I'm here to rescue you now." she said.

"You must have saved countless people." he said.

She turned back through the album to the picture of her husband. "Like you, he and I thought more about the ones we failed to save. You're not going to be added to that list."


	12. Chapter 12

"We should sit on the bed." said Cas, "This explanation could take some time."

"Cool," said Jules, "Like a sleepover." She took off her shoes, got onto the bed and put a pillow behind her back.

Cas got onto the bed beside her. He looked at her feet and took his own shoes off, dropping them onto the floor next to hers. "You know how Dean and I met?" he said.

"You dragged him out of Hell." she said, "I'll bet that made a great first impression."

"Actually, he was somewhat surly and uncooperative at the time." He thought for a moment and added, "And pretty much ever since."

She grinned. "Yeah, I have seen that side of him."

He smiled back at her. However difficult the subject matter, the company was cheerful. "Dean and I have always had a very close bond. We've been through Hell together and a lot worse. He has my back, I have his. We've won and lost and even fought each other and now we're brothers and Dean is not a man who opens his heart to anyone without a good reason, but twice, he and I have shared our thoughts deliberately. First, I let him see himself as I see him. A long time after that, he asked me to look inside his mind to see what he thinks of me."

"You can do that?" she said.

"Yes. I can do a lot of things." He hoped that didn't sound like bragging.

"What was it like?" she said.

"Surprising, powerful." he said, "I hadn't known how much he loved me. I hadn't known how deep and strong the love of one brother for another can be in humans. However, I can't tell you all of that right now. You need to know about the mind curse, which Dean says Sarah wants us to call something else. I'm not sure why. Mind curse seems to cover it."

"Who cursed you?" said Jules.

"Nobody. Well, I suppose I cursed myself. Something happened, probably because of those two occasions when we voluntarily shared our thoughts. It started to happen when we didn't want it to. I was suddenly spying, unintentionally on his thoughts and feelings, even his dreams. He was also sharing mine, but obviously, what worried him was how I was able to just leech his thoughts."

"You didn't do it by choice." she said.

"I'm not proud of any of this." he said, "But I found myself wanting the connection, needing it. This may make you reconsider our relationship. Although I have always told him that I hate it as much as he does, I chose to linger in his emotions when they were happy and now that the mind curse is gone, I miss it."

"Cas, I'd miss it too. One day you have mental communion with your best friend, the next it's ended. How did it get stopped?"

He pulled out the key on the chain around his neck. "These. The Keys of Rhydian. When we wear them, the link can't activate. Dean is free of my intrusions into his head. He talks of getting the catch soldered shut. He loves his key for the protection it gives him. Mine feels like shackles." He looked at her, afraid of her reaction to this damaging information.

"And that's why you want to know more about Rhydian?" she said.

"He may have come up with other things that might help us against Michael and I need to know why he invented the keys."

"Why does that matter?"

"Because they work on angels. I can't find anything, anywhere, that talks about a human/angel friendship like mine with Dean. It's like it never happened before. So why did Rhydian make talismans that stop mental communication between angels and humans? Also, the primary energy around the things is love, selfless and compassionate. That's not usual in enchanted devices. Rhydian made these things because he cared about something. He wanted to protect it."

She looked at him with a strange look of understanding and sympathy. "That's good, isn't it?" she said, "That he made them from good motives?"

"Yes, it is, but I need to know more." he said, "On the subject of a need to know, Dean doesn't need to know, indeed, needs not to know that I don't hate the mind curse. I know it seems wrong to lie to him about it, but for his peace of mind and for our friendship, I need to hate it. I'm working on hating it."

"I told you. I can keep a secret." she said.

He nodded. "Telling you this ... it's such a relief. For obvious reasons, I can't talk to Dean and when I tell Sarah, she wants me to tell Dean and sometimes I feel like my head will explode ... " He touched her arm and added, "Metaphorically." in what he hoped was a reassuring tone.

She smiled. "Yeah, I recognise metaphor."

"Of course you do. You're human. It's in your nature. I wish it came more naturally to me. Sometimes, I feel stupid."

"Stupid would not be one of the first thousand adjectives I thought of to describe you."

"It's always in Dean's top ten." he said.

"You can always talk to me about anything." she said, "Of course this mind thing gets to you. Human emotion must be pretty overwhelming at the best of times. It must be painful, at times, for an angel."

"It is, but also intoxicating. The more I am around humans, the more I crave connection with them. Like with you. I want to be with you all the time and then I worry I'm becoming annoying."

"Cas, you're an angel. You're a seraph. Even if I didn't feel this way about you, I'd still find you fascinating."

"But I have the ties. You have no way to show that you want me to leave you alone."

"If I'd needed one, I would have devised one. I'm good like that. You've seen my jacket with bits of iron sewn all over it."

"Yes, I like your ghost-proof jacket." he said.

"Getting the rust out of the denim is tough, but it's very effective in the field." she said.

Cas was about to agree when a disturbing thought entered his head. He was between her and the door. They were on his bed. He had no understanding of subtext and she might be receiving all kinds of messages he didn't know he was sending. "It just occurred to me that this might be inappropriate." he said, "I hope the bed doesn't make you feel I am making either demands or threats."

She smiled kindly at him, almost Sarah's smile, but with a sparkle in the eyes that he never noticed with Sarah. "There's an innocence about you that means I never feel threatened by you, wherever we are." she said.

"Good. Thankyou." he said.

"Actually, this feels very easy and natural," she said, "And the fact that you care how I feel and talk about it to make sure I'm okay just reminds me how pure and honest and kind you are."

"It does feel very natural, doesn't it?" he said, "Maybe we should do this more often."

"I like that idea." she said.


	13. Chapter 13

In the library, on his laptop, Sam carefully checked and updated the files he had prepared for Dean. One was the information on all the hunters in the bunker, one the inventories and one all the other information that Dean might not know and may possibly need if anything happened to Sam.

If, for example, after a blazing row, Sam had to leave the bunker and Dean was too angry to ask for the information. However angry or hurt Sam was, he would remember to send the files.

His heart ached at the thought of even a temporary breakdown in their relationship, but he knew it was a possibility, almost a certainty if the truth about the keys ever came out. He had to ensure that his bad decision would not cost anyone their life.

On the top of the third file, he added a quick note. "Dean, Everything I did, I did because it seemed the only way to protect you and Cas. I know I screwed up, but my intentions were always good. Sam."

He made sure all the files were saved and then closed the folder. Dean would not find it by chance. The folder's title was carefully chosen to put him off.

Jack came in. "What are you doing?" he said.

"Nothing." said Sam quickly, closing the laptop. 

Jack look confused.

"Sorry. Just contingencies."

"Ah." said Jack.

"Just making sure this place can keep going, whatever happens."

"When you and Dean talk about whatever happens, you're never thinking of anything good." said Jack.

"Good stuff never really happens to us." said Sam.

Jack sat down. "Things are okay."

"I'm just planning for when they're not." said Sam.

"Maybe we should tell Sarah about everything. She can convince Dean to forgive us."

"He'll forgive you anyway. Besides, I'm not putting Sarah in that position."

"Okay. Then you're putting me in that position. If the worst happens, I'll talk to Dean. I'll make him listen."

Sam patted the laptop. "If that doesn't work, everything he needs is in a folder called Health Benefits of Kale, but hopefully, I can send him the files myself. Look, however he reacts, we'll get over it. We've gotten over worse. But for the weeks or months when he won't talk to me, there's stuff he's gonna need."

"You assume he'll take over here. What if he just leaves?"

"Then finding him will be the priority. I'm pretty good at that."

"Nobody knows him better." said Jack.

"Nobody." Sam agreed.

Jack suddenly sat up straight. "I just heard Cas."

"Well done, meerkat." said Sam.

Cas and Jules came into the library. "Jules knows everything about the mind curse." said Cas, not knowing how right he was, "Dean said I could tell her."

"That's good." said Sam, "So we can talk openly around her now. I hope you understand, Jules, why we couldn't tell you before."

"Yes," said Jules, "I know what a fine line you've all had to walk. But now I know and all of you know I know. One less thing to worry about for all of you." Sam saw the brief look of encouragement and understanding she gave him, but Cas clearly didn't. Cas just looked happy and that was as good for Sam as the knowledge that Jules knew the pressure he was under.

"When you spoke to Dean, how did he seem?" Sam asked Cas.

"We communicated via texts." said Cas, "But he must be feeling good if he felt able to let me talk to Jules about everything."

"Yes, that has to be a good sign." said Sam.

"Sarah has helped me many times." said Cas, "Her approach is effective."

"I'm sure she can help him," said Sam, "But I don't think it'll be easy for him. For either of them."

"Do you want me to go there and make sure all is well?" said Cas. His glance at Jules showed that he was ambivalent. His presence at the farmhouse would have solved a lot of Sam's problems, but the thought of separating him from Jules just when their relationship was getting somewhere seemed cruel.

Sam also believed that Jules could keep Cas distracted to some degree and prevent him from noticing any thoughts from Dean and from subconsciously forming the mental connection again.

"No," he said, "For now, let's just let Dean do things his way."

Castiel's expression was hard to read. "But if you need me to go there. just say." he said.

"Thanks." said Sam, "But you have other things to think about."

"Yes." said Cas. He looked at Jules. "Yes, I do."

She smiled at him. Sam felt the smallest pang of envy. Since Eileen, he had not been able to imagine a prospect of romantic happiness for himself. However, he was unable to begrudge Cas such happiness. Cas had never known love and richly deserved it.

"You two should take the rest of the day off." he said, "Go out and have some fun."

"We're going to watch a documentary about bees." said Cas.

"Oh. Well, that sounds good." said Sam.

When they had gone, Jack said, "Do you think it's really love?"

"Dude, she's willingly gonna watch a documentary about bees."

"I mean on his side." said Jack.

"I think so. He doesn't look at anyone else like that. Of course, it may be thirty years before their second kiss, but as long as they're both happy, that's fine."


	14. Chapter 14

  
Dean and Sarah had gone through a small stack of photo albums, some filled with family memories, which brought both smiles and tears for Sarah, some with aid work across the world. Dean listened to her stories with genuine interest, even fascination. Nobody looking at the old lady she had become would ever think of all the good she had done, the lives she had saved or transformed.

What struck him most was that she remembered them all. She spoke their names, stroked their pictures, as if they could feel her love for them through the touch. 

She remembered their stories, from the woman who had carried her six year old daughter two hundred miles to safety to the drug smuggler's thug who had wept as he told her he could never be forgiven. And Sarah had held his hands and listened to his pain as if he were a blameless child.

He mostly forgot his own issues as she talked. People like that one reminded him that she saw his own darkness the same way. Some of the family photos reminded him of moments he remembered before his life fell apart and others made him think about what he had missed, but most of the time, he was happily lost in her stories.

There was a look on her face he knew well. He saw it often on Sam's. Though she had often shared someone else's darkest times and it could not have been easy, there was joy in it for her. Happiness, for her, lay in giving someone else a better future than their past. Sam and Sarah were natural saviours, constantly seeking somebody else to help. 

He knew that neither of them saw their own selflessness. They thought themselves ordinary, with the blindness that came with a complete lack of ego. Even so, it must feel better for them than it did for him. Less guilt, less knowledge of personal wickedness. Sam had made mistakes, Sarah may have too, but neither took any pleasure in another's pain. Neither had been driven by hatred. He had always acted in anger, hatred or fear. That had to make a big difference. Cause and effect and all that.

Sarah suddenly stood and went to the window. "I wish you could have seen this place as it was before. We had chickens and a few cows and a lot more crops than I can grow now. My only livestock now are the bees."

"Would you like more?" said Dean.

"I couldn't handle more now." she said, "But it would be good."

"This may be a stupid idea, but we have people at the bunker looking to move out. I could ask if any of them would do some farmwork in exchange for a room here."

"We may need to get part of the barn converted or something." she said, "And that could be expensive."

"Don't worry about money." he said, "If you want it and they agree, we'll make it happen."

"We'd need to involve Castiel. He doesn't know it and we shouldn't tell him until he gets over his issues with my mortality, but he inherits this place when I die."

"You're leaving it all to Cas?"

"Jimmy Novak, on the paperwork." she said, "He can keep it or sell it or give it to Jack or Claire. I just know that he will never let my bees be neglected or killed. He'll do right by them."

"Yes, he will." said Dean, "I hope you're not intending to die soon."

"I plan to make triple figures." she said, "I'll need to, if I'm hoping to sort out my four boys."

"Yeah, we are a long term project." said Dean, aware of the irony when he didn't see his life as a long term anything.

"Poor Castiel can't bear to hear me talk about dying. He's not good with mortality."

"No, he veers pretty wildly between fatalism and denial." said Dean, "I don't know which is worse."

"But you've thoroughly explored both yourself." she said.

He joined her at the window. "You may not read me as well as you think."

"I don't need to read you. You're basically a rewrite of my story, just in a better cover."

"With more weapons and a lot more Hell."

"That reminds me, how many weapons did you bring here?"

"None. Just my knife and gun." he said.

"That's none?"

"I'd feel naked if I didn't have those." he said, "They're just in case something attacks."

"Unlikely here. Thanks to our over-protective angel, this place is warded against almost everything."

"Yeah, well, for everything else, I have my knife and gun."

"I understand." she said, "You've been at war your whole life."

He nodded.

"And, of course, you don't feel safe here at all."

"I do. The place is warded and Cas knows his wards." he said.

She turned to smile at him, her expression making clear how completely he had failed to fool her. 

"I had to try." he said with a shrug.

"Of course, my dear." she said, "Doesn't bother me at all. I love a challenge."


	15. Chapter 15

Cas and Jules sat on Sam's bed, watching their documentary. From time to time, he noticed she was looking at him and he realised that, in order to notice that, he must be paying her more attention than the screen. 

"We lost all the bees." she said, "In my world." she added, "And that was the beginning of the end for food production. Every time I see a bee here, I just remember how important they are."

"Sarah will give me a swarm next time she has one and we'll have bees here." he said.

"Good. There can never be too many bees. I hate the mistakes we made in our world."

"Ours nearly ended the same way, but we had the Winchesters." said Cas, "And now they can free your world too."

"What's left of it." said Jules.

He hesitated to respond. He wanted her to feel better, but was wary of encouraging her to change her mind and return to her world after it was saved. She looked very sad, though. "You'd be surprised what can return from dust and ashes." he said.

"You have, haven't you?" she said.

"Many times." he said.

"And you just keep on returning to the fight."

"Yes." he said.

"Pretty heroic."

"I've never been a hero. I've just known a few, present company included."

"I'm just a hunter."

"Dean says the same thing." he said. He looked at her face, still surprised that she didn't prefer Dean to him. He wanted to know what she saw in him, but asking would seem needy and pathetic and he really didn't want to put the question out there in case it made her doubt whether she should like him. He concentrated on the bees on the screen and tried not to think about his doubts.

He felt in his pocket for the lighter Dean had given him, but first he pulled out the little photo wallet that Jack had given him.

"What's that?" said Jules.

He showed her, pleased that she smiled at the sight of his former face. 

"She's lovely." she said, "Was she a friend of yours?"

"More than that." he said, "My first vessel."

She looked at him in obvious confusion. "You used to be a woman?"

"No, I've always been an angel, but I had a female vessel."

"Oh." she said. 

It was a worrying sound. It suggested she was reconsidering everything. 

"It's not a problem, is it?" he said, "I'm still me."

"Sorry." she said and that sounded badly like a prelude to a goodbye, but then she added, "It's just unexpected. I never really thought of angels having multiple vessels."

"Does it change how you feel about me?" he said.

She took his hand. "No. It's a bit weird, but what in our lives isn't? I am curious, though. Do you think of yourself as more male or female?"

"Neither. I'm just Castiel." he said.

She smiled. "Good. It's Castiel that I like. So did you ... I mean, when you were her ... did you have any romantic relationships?"

"Don't you think I would be better at this if I'd been doing it that long?" he said.

She bent over his hand to kiss it. "You're not bad at this." she said.

"Do you remember what you said about me being depressed?" he said.

"Yes, I still think you probably are. After all that you've been through ... "

"I think it's possible." he said, "And at first, I hated the idea, because it would mean my thoughts are not rational and that makes me uneasy, but if my belief that there is little hope for the future is not rational, then it could be wrong and maybe we can win and maybe I can think of a life after this war we have been stuck in."

She pressed her lips to his. He thought for a moment that he had become boring and she wanted to silence him, but the kiss felt a little too ardent to be intended as something merely to keep his lips busy. He tapped her arm to get her attention and then, when she moved away, he said, "Just to clarify, is this interaction romantic or diversionary?"

She laughed. "If you have to ask, I must be doing it wrong."

"I don't think you were doing it wrong." he said.

She kissed him again, then said quietly, "I'm kissing you because I want to kiss you, not because I want to distract you. I don't like people who play that kind of game and I know how hard it is for you to trust people, so it would be even worse for me to do that to you."

"I'm sorry if I seem less than trusting." he said, "You're one of the people I trust most. I just don't trust my ability to read situations correctly and it troubles me how easily a kiss prevents me from thinking clearly."

"That's why I'm keeping the kisses simple and harmless." she said.

"You have more troublesome kisses?" he said.

She smiled. "Don't worry. I'll unleash them on you very carefully and at an appropriate time."

"But you will ... unleash them?" he said hopefully.

"For everything, there is a season." she said.

"And a time to every purpose under Heaven." he replied, "Ecclesiastes 3:1."

"How well do you know the book that follows that one?" she asked.

He met her eyes with some difficulty. "All angels know the scriptures well." he said.

"His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven." she quoted.

"Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks." he quoted in response.

She kissed him once more. "Nobody out there knows you can be like this, do they?"

"Like what?" he said.

"Like Castiel." she said and the way she spoke his name sent a delightful shiver down his spine.


	16. Chapter 16

Sarah went into the kitchen. Dean followed. She started to prepare a meal. "Can I help?" he said.

"If you like." she said, "I bet you're good at chopping onions."

"The best." he said.

She gave him a knife. "The onions are hanging from the shelf to your right. We'll need two. Cut them fine for me."

As he started cutting, he kept having a piece of a song flashing through his head, "A time to kill, a time to heal, A time to laugh, a time to weep." 

Sarah looked concerned. "Is something wrong?" she said.

"I just have a song by the Byrds running through my head." he said.

"Unusual choice for you." she said.

"Very. I don't hate it, but it's not my thing. Folk rock is more Sam's style. He has the hair for it."

"I won't hear a word against his beautiful hair." said Sarah.

"I'm amazed he can hear a word through it." said Dean.

She smiled. "I should tell your brother what you say behind his back."

"I say far worse to his face." said Dean with a grin, "The onions are done."

"Now slice me some mushrooms from the basket." said Sarah. As he gathered up a handful of mushrooms, she said, "So what do you think the song means?"

"Probably nothing." he said, "When you have as few thoughts as I do, the empty spaces in your brain tend to fill with music."

"Why do you talk like that?" she said, "You have the most active mind I've ever found. Well, apart from Castiel's and I think angels have a lot more processing power than we do."

"I think a lot, I think, but most of it, like 94 percent is dumb."

"No, it isn't." she said.

"Sam's the clever one." he said, "I'm the brawn."

"Sam's not far behind you there and you're not stupid. From what you've told me, you never got much of a formal education."

"No, but turns out you don't need one to gank monsters and save the world."

"And you grew up seeing yourself as a high school dropout with a brilliant brother." She took some ground beef from the refrigerator. "Dean, before I met Castiel, the people around here drove me crazy. You can't talk philosophy, theology or literature with them, because they just don't get it, or they don't get the appeal. Castiel was like a deep well to someone who had been drinking out of puddles. You're the same."

"As Castiel? I doubt that."

"I can talk to you about anything. You get it. Half the time, I don't need to explain things to you, because you've figured out what I'm saying by the end of the first sentence."

I'm clever enough to know how dumb I am." he said, "And that's it."

"Your vocabulary of self-deprecation alone is indicative of a high level of intelligence. It evinces a volitional education, acquired on the road."

"We agreed I had no education to speak of."

"We agreed you had no formal education. Someone as clever as you educates himself, whatever his circumstances." She smiled and added, "And I just used a lot of long words, which you effortlessly understood."

"Was that a test?" he asked.

"No, because I knew you'd understand them. That was a demonstration."

"Sarah, why do you care if I think I'm stupid?"

"Because I care about you. I know how all this started. You were scared of getting things wrong and your father, for whom I have a lot of respect, was equally afraid of a single mistake. So he taught you to be perfect and when you did things perfectly, he didn't say anything, because that was his baseline for you and when you got things wrong, he rebuked you, because he wanted you to be more careful in future."

"To be fair to him, I screwed up a lot."

"Did you? In a dangerous life, you kept Sam and yourself alive. You heard a lot of criticism, not much praise and from a man you considered infallible. We parents write in stone on our children's hearts and they live with that inscription until they chisel it out or they get another one on a less metaphorical stone. Yours has the word 'stupid', though your father would never have chosen that word to describe you."

"I ... " he began, then his voice failed.

"I suspect you've cooked a lot of pasta over the years."

"Yeah." he croaked.

"Cook enough spaghetti for two. You'll find a blue pan in that cupboard in the corner."

He went to get it, grateful for the chance to look out of the window as he filled it with water.

"Add a drop of oil to keep it from sticking." she said, "And the salt is on that shelf over there."

"You should have a lot more salt than that around the place." he said.

"Three sacks in the cellar." she said, "Castiel insists."

"Iron?" he said, putting the water on the hob to boil.

"Not good with spaghetti." she said.

"Great against ghosts." he said.

"I have plenty of iron pokers and farm implements and I can throw a horseshoe a fair distance." she said.

"You know how to banish angels and draw a devil's trap?"

She moved the rug. "You mean like this one?"

"Cas again?"

"There is not a room he hasn't warded and there are three devil's traps. One here, one in the barn and one in the cellar. As for banishing angels, I could draw that sigil in my sleep. He's never allowed me to do it in blood, though. Sometimes, it's like being followed around by a broody hen."

"Tell me about it!" said Dean, "He guards my room sometimes."

"He did that to me at first. Now we have a rule that he stays in his own room most of the night."

He wanted to go back to the bunker. Being around Sarah was dredging up stuff he had kept hidden for years. The pain was less raw than it had been at the cabin with Cas, but it was also older and deeper and a much more fundamental flaw, woven into the fabric of his soul.

If she had spoken harshly of his father, he would have made that his reason to leave; his excuse for running away, but she spoke of his father the same way she spoke of him, with compassion and understanding. She knew John Winchester had loved both his sons. She knew how little he had intended the deep scars they both bore.

"He wants to protect those he loves." said Sarah and it took him a moment to realise she was still talking about Cas. "We understand that need, don't we, my dear? And that same need drove your father to make his mistakes. And you, in your heart, forgave him a long time ago, but still you allow his ill-chosen words to haunt you and you can't forgive yourself. Maybe you need that pain, because it's all he left you, apart from a car and an order to protect a brother you would have protected anyway."

"Maybe you're right." he said.

"But of course, that's not all he left you. He left you his strength and courage. He left you his love."

"He left me." said Dean, hearing the bitterness in the words.

"He died for you." she said gently, neither blame nor criticism in her tone, but only love and understanding.

"I can't talk about this now." he said.

She smiled sadly. "Then we'll talk about something else, anything else."

"Thanks." he said.

"I know this hurts. I wish I could make it less painful."

"I know." he said, "I understand."

"I also know that you will always love your father and you are right to do so. He was a good man."

"How can you be sure?" he said.

"Your mother told me a lot about him and I know both of his sons. Now, I hear you play pranks on Sam. Tell me about those."


	17. Chapter 17

Sam was in his room, staring at the ceiling and remembering every single time he had lied to his brother and told himself it was okay, because he had a good reason, because he had no choice. None had ended well and even though they had agreed in the Pact not to throw the past in each other's faces, he knew that Dean remembered them as well as he did.

Unexpectedly, his mother knocked on the door and said, "Two minutes!"

"To what?" he said.

She opened the door and came in. "We're going for a walk."

"I'd love to, but I don't really have time."

She looked around his room, empty of notes, books and any hint of doing anything but wallowing, her expression eloquent. "We can talk out there, away from Cas's fine hearing, or we can talk in here. I'm not taking a vote on this. I've been more than patient."

"Okay, okay!" he said. He owed it to her to set her mind at ease over him. He knew that she worried about him, especially when he and his brother clashed - even when his brother didn't know about the conflict.

He took her to the trees, his favourite spot for conspiring with the members of what he now thought of as Team Meerkat. Once there, he said, "I'm okay, Dean's okay. The situation is under control."

"Jack says you're not okay." said Mary, "I can see you're not okay. You're consumed with guilt. You're angry with yourself for lying to Dean and Cas and I understand that, but you had to find a way to help them and you found it and you made it work. Because of you, they both feel safe and Cas isn't thinking about going to Heaven for help."

"For now. But I can't keep them both fooled forever. When Dean knows I lied to him, tricked him, he will hate me."

"Really? The brother who went to Hell for you, who sees you as a hero many times over, who would, right now, give up anything for you, would hate you for protecting him with a lie? Sweetheart, he's loved you since before you were born. He'll love you forever."

"Doesn't stop him being angry, feeling betrayed. I'm not scared of Dean's anger. I've faced that many times. I just hate the thought of him believing that I betrayed him ... knowing I betrayed him."

"Sam, you never betrayed anyone in your life." she said.

He sat on the tree trunk that lay on the ground there. "I've let him down so many times, in so many ways, for so many reasons. I never wanted to. I owe Dean everything."

"He knows you never wanted to let him down. He'll know when all this comes out that you did it to help him."

"When we were kids, he was always there for me. He always cared. He kept me safe. More than that, he made me feel safe, in a world that often wasn't. If I woke in the night, he always seemed to wake too, or to have been awake, watching over me. Every time I needed him, there he was."

"Jack needs you like you needed Dean." she said.

"I know that." he said.

"He's worried that you may leave. He's scared he could lose you."

"Whatever happens, I'll keep in touch with Jack." he said.

"So you are planning to leave?"

"When this blows up ... and we all know it's going to, Dean may throw me out."

"The people in the bunker follow you, not Dean. If there's any conflict, they'll back you."

"It won't come to that." said Sam, "I run the hunters, Dean runs the bunker. He says go, I go."

"I thought you found the bunker together and you and Dean are equals." she said.

"No, we're really not. We work together and make decisions together, but this is his bunker. He loves it. It's home to him."

"And not to you?"

"My home is wherever Dean is. It always has been. I'll find my way back, even if he tells me to go, but if he needs me to leave, I'll leave. Everything is in place. The information he needs to run everything is all set up for him."

"What if I tell you not to go?" she said, "I'll act as mediator. I'll make Dean understand. You boys have lost so much and so much of it was because of me. Let me fix this for you. Let me stop you from losing each other."

Sam patted the trunk and she sat beside him. "I love you for caring," he said, "But I hate that you still blame yourself. Because of you, we exist. Because of you, we had our Dad. I mean, you've seen what happened to the world where you didn't make that deal with Azazel. Did that look like a better ending to you?"

"No." she said, "But you have every reason to hate me for making that deal."

"Well, tough. I don't. I'm glad you made it and not just because I'd never have been born if you didn't. Maybe, without Azazel and what he did to me, I would never have been able to defeat Lu ... the Devil. All those evil plans backfired. Winchesters have a way of making that happen. Don't blame yourself for the past. Maybe the past had to happen like it did for things to work out now."

"You call this working out? You thinking of leaving us? And it's sweet of you to reassure me, but we're here to discuss you."

"Okay." he said, "Since this clearly matters to you a lot, I will promise to allow you to try to reason with Dean and mediate this mess, but in return, you have to promise not to blame yourself if you can't stop him from throwing me out. Do we have a deal?"

"We do," she said, "And thanks."

He shook her hand. "You're the best Mom in the world, you know that?"

"I think I neglected you a little in your childhood." she said.

"You had a pretty good excuse." he replied.


	18. Chapter 18

When Jules decided she should eat something, Cas accompanied her to the kitchen. He knew that, technically, he should probably have offered to take her out for dinner, but he wasn't ready for that level of dating, where people might see them together and laugh at his total incompetence and draw her attention to the fact that he was an embarrassment to be around.

"I could get you some food." he suggested.

She shook her head. "I can do that." she said, "You don't eat, so you shouldn't have to cook."

"I cook for Sam and Dean." he said.

She got two bottles of beer out of the refrigerator. She gave one to him and opened the other for herself. "You know, a woman could really take advantage of you." she said, "You're so sweet and giving and some women would just take it all."

He opened his beer and took a drink. "I want to do things for you. I know I'm not exactly every woman's dream. I may possibly feature in a few nightmares ... "

"Cas, none of that." she said, "I don't like it when you talk that way. You're with me now and nobody talks down my angel, okay?" She searched the refrigerator and then said, "Perfect! We have eggs and we have ham. I'm gonna do something omelettey." She pointed to him and said, "While I cook, you're gonna think about what comes next."

"In what sense?" he said.

"A whole evening, no hunt to go on, no urgent research."

"What about Rhydian?" said Cas.

"You want me to focus on Rhydian tonight?" she said.

It surprised him how he entirely didn't. "No." he said.

"Good, because, fascinating though the subject is, I'd rather be with you."

He took another swig of beer. The way she was looking at him made him nervous and excited and confused and uncertain and deeply, ridiculously happy. He wanted to say the right thing, but had no idea what that would be. He wasn't able to give her the big declaration that she deserved from him, but he had no idea how to express any of the many emotions he was feeling.

"Are you okay?" she said, breaking a few eggs into a bowl.

He went with social media as his guide. "It's complicated." he said.

She smiled. "Am I making you feel you're under pressure?"

"No." he said, "I think I am."

"Oh, that's harder to deal with." she said.

"Sorry."

"Never be sorry for what you're feeling." she said, "I just mean if I'm not the one applying the pressure, I may not be able to remove it. You know I'm not expecting anything from you tonight, right? Tonight or ever. You owe me nothing. I demand nothing. I want to be with you, but I am perfectly happy to be with you sorting letters in the archives or making new gadgets for hunting or just hanging out and talking about bees."

"You've never asked me for anything." he said.

"No and I have no intention of asking for anything. If tonight, you'd rather not hang out with me, I won't be offended. You have a right to peace. You can want to be alone without making me feel rejected."

"Thanks for always talking me through this stuff." he said, "It can be so hard to navigate through interactions with humans when they all just assume I know how it all works. Dean knows how inept I am and even he forgets sometimes that I get it wrong all the time."

"He forgets that you don't understand it all because you do understand a lot of it." she said, "Most of the time, nobody would know you're not human. By the way, the awkwardness comes across as humility and sensitivity a lot of the time and neither of those will make women like you less."

He thought about how he wanted the evening to go and the one thing he was sure of was that he did not want to spend it alone, just because it was less effort than interaction. Being around Jules made him happy and he wanted to spend more time with her, but he knew that trying to be romantic would lead to embarrassment and confusion and there was no way he could imagine going beyond flirtation to something more unequivocal. "Sleepover?" he suggested.

"You don't sleep." she said.

"No, but I hear sleep is not the main focus of a sleepover. Of course, at some point you will want to sleep and you may not want me around then."

"You wouldn't want to be around then." she said, "You'd soon get bored watching me sleep."

"I don't think I'd get bored watching you do anything." he said, "But you might not want me to watch you sleep. Dean doesn't. He says it's creepy."

"I don't find anything you do creepy." she said.

"You probably will at some point." he said, "Just remember that it's never intentional." He watched her cooking her eggs and he smiled to himself. He loved the kitchen. Everything good happened in kitchens. Family things happened in kitchens and food, which even Dean considered a legitimate and acceptable way to express love and affection.

"Are we having our sleepover in your room or mine?" she said.

"Mine is quiet." he said, "And Bobby hung my picture of Sarah's farm for me, so it's even decorated."

"And it won't feel weird, having me in your inner sanctum all night?" she said, putting her supper onto a plate.

"It would feel a lot less lonely than most of my nights." he said.

"You get lonely?" she said.

"Is that pathetic?" he asked.

"No, it's not." she said, "It's good that you need people as much as we need you." She sat down at the table with him. "Psalm 4:7." she said.

"Psalm 94:19." he said.

After Jules had eaten, Cas filled a bag with snacks for the sleepover and grabbed two more bottles of beer and then they went in search of Jack or Sam. Jack was in the library. "If I am needed," said Cas, "You or Sam can call or text, but only if I am really needed. Otherwise, I need the night off. We are having a sleepover."

"Oh." said Jack, looking from one to the other.

"Problem?" said Jules.

"No. Enjoy your ... sleepover." said Jack.

As they left the library, Jules said, "I love that kid."

"Me too." said Cas, "He's sometimes a little confused, but he tries so hard. I'm glad you and he get along."

"He's like a son to you, isn't he?" she said.

"Yes, he is my son in every sense that matters."

"Of course he is." she said, "And he's just like you."

"No, Jack is infinitely better than I am." he said, "But I appreciate the compliment."


	19. Chapter 19

Dean had always loved his food and the home-cooked meal at the farmhouse was full of flavour and soothing to the soul. Throughout the meal, they talked about Sam, moving on from the pranks they had played on each other to the brilliant ideas Sam came up with and his gift for understanding people and knowing what to say.

At the back of his mind, Dean knew that every word he said was being remembered and analysed and he was aware that she would miss nothing that he let slip. His natural caution and unnatural paranoia urged him to say as little as possible, but somebody else was talking too, quietly but insistently and saying something surprising, "Trust her. Let her help you." and he knew that it was his own voice.

"You seem lost in thought." she said.

"Yeah." he said, not sure what else to say.

"Something I can help with?" she said.

"I feel like there's an argument going on in my head and I don't know which side I'm on." he said.

"It might help to talk it out."

"I don't think so. It's mostly about whether I should be talking at all." he said, "Sorry. I know that's not something you want me to say."

"It's good news, as far as I can see." she said.

"What do you mean?"

"At least now, there's an argument. For a long time, you were sure you shouldn't. You never see how much progress you're making, but I'm often impressed."

"It doesn't feel like progress." said Dean.

"Just telling me about it is major progress." she said.

"Maybe I'm just too tired to hide it." he said.

"Well, I can work with that too." she said with a smile.

"You'd do that, wouldn't you? You'd use my vulnerability against me?"

"I'd rather use your strength and courage. You're never vulnerable for long."

He sat in silence, looking around the cosy kitchen. It felt like the safest place on Earth at that moment, but also, paradoxically, the most dangerous.

Small flashes of memory came to him of the days before disaster, when he had gone to the kitchen to find his mother and tell her every thought in a stream of chatter, knowing she would listen to them all as if they were all that mattered.

She was back with him, still willing to listen, but he was often unwilling and unable to speak to her. He couldn't tell her everything anymore. There were things he could not say and things he would not and some of it was about protecting her and some was the terrible fear of showing her his weakness and his fear. He had once been able to ask for her help with both.

Sarah had experience with the darkness of others. He had no need to protect her from the dark thoughts in his head, the memories of unspeakable pain and shame and loss. She did not judge him and she would not and he could right now, in the warm, safe kitchen, tell her anything he needed to say. Yet he found himself afraid to speak.

She put her hand on his, on the right hand that had wielded a knife so skilfully in Hell, on the hand that had punched his brother so many times, so often with no better excuse than that he was afraid. He was surprised she didn't flinch from contact with his hand as his angel friend, who loved him, had flinched from the touch of his unclean thoughts.

"What is it, Dean?" she said, the question of a mother who had lost her own child and now adopted every lost and broken soul she could find. Her love was unconditional. She didn't just forgive his sins, she understood them and told him he had no reason to leave himself unforgiven. She looked at him and saw the man he had always wanted to be and all his father's anger and disappointment seemed, to her, his father's confusion, fear and regret and no fault of Dean's.

She would never be disappointed in him. He could speak freely and without fear, so why was he so afraid to say anything? Deeper than the fear of disappointing the others, there was something else.

Lurching from apocalypse to apocalypse, always on the edge of oblivion, pushing down all the crap he didn't have time to deal with, had a certain simplicity to it. Whether or not people bought the myth of the cold, confident Dean Winchester, who would face death with a wisecrack and a smile, holding up that mask worked well for him. Even Sam, who knew it was a mask, would waste time arguing with it and give him time to slink away from too much honesty, to cover his deeper wounds. The real Dean was still there, somewhere and only Dean could see how small and scared and hurt he really was.

Sarah brushed past all his masks as if they didn't exist. In all his protestations and excuses, she heard only, "Help me!" and she let him lie and bluster as much as he needed to, but then she would smile and translate his BS back to him with loving, brutal honesty.

From somewhere behind all the barricades and bravado, out of either immense courage or the complete failure of it, a voice most unlike his own said, "I'm afraid and the things I'm afraid of make no sense at all."

"What things?" she said.

"Well, for example, that you may actually be able to help me and I ... Well, like I said, it makes no sense."

"You may have to engage with life again?"

"Yeah." he admitted, "And I'm not sure I ever really did."

"You did. You still do. At Castiel's party, for a time, you were truly yourself and truly alive. Fear is natural. If you weren't a little afraid, it would mean you are detached from reality."

"I'm a lot afraid. What does that mean?"

"That you're aware of what needs to be done and the way it will change your life. Remember, I gave up for seven years. I know how hard it is to come back from that." She squeezed his hand. "I'll be with you, Dean, every step of the way."

"I shouldn't need a ninety year old woman to be my strength." he said.

"Why not? What's wrong with ninety year old women?"

"Nothing. I didn't mean it like that. I mean I shouldn't lean on you. I should be your support. You shouldn't have to be mine."

"Has anyone ever been allowed to support you?" she said.

"Some, here and there." he said.

"Not many, not for long."

"Sam, Cas." he said.

"Well, add me to the list. You should go to bed early tonight. Get some rest." she said.

"Let me wash the dishes first." he said.

"You don't have to do that." she said.

"I want to." he said.

She smiled. "Fine, if you want to, but you owe me nothing."

"We'll agree to disagree on that." he said.


	20. Chapter 20

Jules had gone to her room to collect some things and Cas was in his room, hoping he hadn't made a mistake. Whenever he stopped to think about his relationship with Jules, it seemed doomed to failure and he found himself wondering whether he had any right to attempt a relationship with a woman who could do so much better.

Sam, he knew, would say he was overthinking. Sam, unique amongst the four of them, had experienced a happy, healthy, long term relationship and Sam understood people and Sam always spoke as if he believed Cas could find love and keep it. He talked as if it were just a matter of wanting it and going for it. Wanting it was not a problem. Cas had always secretly longed for companionship and caring and when he was around Jules, the vague, amorphous need became extremely specific. He wanted to be with her. He wanted to know everything about her, but in a non-stalkery, unweird way. He wanted that beautiful smile to smile on him forever.

It seemed like love, but love would want the best for the beloved and was he really the best that Jules could find? He kept thinking of the odd expression on Jack's face when he had mentioned the sleepover. Was it a weird thing to do? Did Jules see it that way? Was Jules sorry that she had allowed him to decide the pace and nature of their interactions? Was she sorry that she had ever become involved with him, however tenuously?

He heard her approach, her light, quick step as familiar to him as her face. He opened the door before she reached it and she came into the room, scattering his thoughts and bringing a rare peace to his heart. Whatever her doubts may be, she was there.

"Did you miss me?" she said.

"In the three minutes you were absent?" he said, "Every second." He wondered if that were too honest, too needy.

"I missed you too." she said. She put a bag down on the chair. "How do you feel about candles?"

"In what context?" said Cas.

"This context. I thought candlelight could be good, but if that seems stupid to you, or just too much ... "

"I like candles." he said.

She took some out of the bag and arranged them around the room. She started to fumble in pockets. "I have a lighter here, somewhere."

He gave her the silver lighter Dean had given him. "Use this." he said.

She lit the candles and gave him back the turned out the lights. In the golden glow, she looked even lovelier than usual. Of course, noticing beauty was not the same as being in love. It was his nature, as an angel, to see the beauty in his father's creation. Jules was objectively beautiful. He had to be careful to distinguish between appreciation of her bright eyes, flawless skin and elegant features and a real, profound, emotional connection. He needed to think clearly. He needed to assess his feelings clearly and logically and then ...

And then she kissed him, her lips just brushing his. It was nothing, the smallest physical contact, but it sent his mind spinning.

"Sorry." she said, "You just looked so good. I should have said something first."

"No, kiss me anytime." he said.

"It troubles you." she said.

"No, not the kiss." he said.

"Then what? Me?"

"Never you." he said. He struggled to find the words, but his mind was firing off bright colours in his head and he found it impossible.

"Too much pressure." she said, "I don't need an answer. I'm just glad it isn't me."

"I know I'm not doing well at saying the right thing. I try. At the moment, I'm trying to work out whether my feelings are romantic in nature or merely a natural reaction to the sight of your physical perfection."

"For someone who never knows what to say, you say some great things." she said.

"I wish I had Dean's understanding of this area."

"Dean seems to know a lot about random hook-ups, but I don't see you as the type. If you were, I don't think I'd like you so much."

"You don't like Dean?"

"As a hunter, yes. As a romantic prospect, Hell no."

"You prefer me?" he said. It seemed improbable.

"Why do you think I'm here?" she said.

"Well, it could be pity." he said.

She kissed him again, this time for longer. "Does that feel like pity?" she said.

"No," he said, "That feels like liquid fire."

"Let's stop worrying about putting this wildfire into words and just enjoy the warmth." she said.

"Wildfire can be dangerous and should be extinguished as quickly as possible." he said.

"Do I need to wave a sign saying, 'Metaphor'?" she said.

"I think it might help." he said. He watched her face for a moment and then said, "But you weren't making a serious suggestion, were you?"

She laughed softly. "Oh, Cas, how is there any woman who hasn't fallen in love with you?"

"Are you saying you have, or is that a joke or another metaphor?" he said.

"I'm not saying I have, because that's just likely to freak you out, so we're going to sit on this bed and watch the candles flicker and just be here, together. I don't need words. I don't need actions. I just need you here, with me."

They took their shoes off and got onto the bed. Again, she got onto the side furthest from the door, but it didn't bother him this time. He just sat beside her.

"Is the sleepover idea weird?" he said.

She grinned. "I'm fine with weird."

"So it is?"

"Not for us. We make our own rules, remember? Our sleepovers are cool. Our sleepovers are great."

"I like our rules." said Cas.

"Me too." she said.

"Why don't other humans make their own rules? The standard set seem to cause a great deal of unhappiness."

"I told you. I'm a problem solver by nature." she said.

"We're made for each other." he said, "I'm a problem."


	21. Chapter 21

  
Dean tried to sleep, but sleep did not come easily. At first, he kept thinking about Sam and wondering if he would get any sleep in the bunker, tormented by the burden he couldn't talk about. That was all shot through with worry about Cas and Jules and whether Cas was sitting in the corner of the library, choosing not to talk to Jules in case he said the wrong thing.

His own fears were paralysing him the same way, he knew. He was afraid to face the things he needed to face. He was afraid to give up his firm control over his feelings, which ironically meant his feelings had complete control over him. For as long as he could remember, he had feared madness, feared losing himself in the maelstrom of pain and guilt in his head. Other people had been driven bad by less. How could he protect Sam and Cas and Jack if he had no control over his own mind?

Sarah could help him, but just staying around was a struggle. The bunker felt so much safer. There, he could burrow into the darkness and pretend he wasn't haunted, he was dealing.

At the farmhouse, with Sarah, he felt like a child, transparent in his fears and helpless to overcome them. It still felt wrong to need the strength and support of an old lady, a lady who had come through her pain and loss alone, with no loss of sanity. The victor of a battle like that should not have to drag his sorry ass out of trouble. His needs were as selfish as his wounds were self-inflicted and he should go home and just accept that he was experiencing the results of his bad decisions.

But he had lived with Dean Winchester's sorry excuses all his life and despite Dean's acknowledged talent for lying to himself and others, he could see the truth when he chose to look for it. He wanted a reason to give up and go home. With the anger towards himself that he would never aim at anyone else, Dean was determined not to let the snivelling coward get away with it.

He called his mother. "Are you alright, Dean?" she said.

"Yeah, I'm fine." he said, the words as automatic as breathing, "Is Sam okay? Has he said anything?"

"I talked to Sam earlier." she said, "We had a good, long chat. He was struggling with some stuff, but he knows now that he doesn't have to deal with it alone. I'll take care of him, Dean. You just think about you."

"That feels wrong." he said, "It always has."

"I know. Even as a little boy, you always wanted to make things okay for everyone else. You need to put yourself first now."

"I'll try." he said, "How's Cas? If he's lurking in the library, try to get him to talk to Jules."

"Jules and Cas have been together all day." she said.

"They have? That's great!"

"They're cute together." she said, "And before you ask, Jack is wonderful. He told me I needed to talk to Sam. He's decided he's Sam's protector while you're away. Sometimes, Jack is so like you."

"That's a mean thing to say about the kid." he said, "He's a lot more like Sam and Cas."

"I'd say he's like all three of you and I don't consider comparing anyone to any of you to be an insult. Now, go to sleep, my little angel."

"Yeah, I'll try." he said.

He put the phone on the nightstand and turned out the light. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the constant chatter of thoughts in his head. He was doing well and was drifting off to sleep when fire poured through his head, painless, but bright and impossible to ignore. He sat up. It felt like the mind curse and that was the second time he had seen fire in connection with the thing that couldn't be the mind curse, but seemed so like it.

He forced himself to calm down. He knew the bunker was not under attack. He had just spoken to his mother and she would surely have mentioned any form of assault going on at the time. It had, in any case, seemed more like lava than any magical or celestial attack and the prevalence of active volcanoes in Lebanon, Kansas had to be minimal.

He turned on the light. On a small desk by the window, there was some paper and he had a pen on the nightstand. He sat on the bed and scribbled some notes. The fire was not real and was not from Cas, therefore it was a memory or it was symbolic. It could be a memory of Hell, but it had felt wrong for that. Hellish stuff brought pain and shame and fear. The fireballs had seemed to be confusing to Cas, the lava was strange, but neither had filled him with fear. It didn't smell of Hell or sound like it.

So what did fire symbolise? Destruction, consumption, loss of control, danger, purification, refining. The last two surprised him. The lack of fear, no burning pain, no stench of Hell, was it possible that the meaning of the fiery vision was positive?

Maybe his own mind was telling him to trust the process of change, to move past the fears and just let the flames refine him, burning away the dross he had acquired over the years.

He looked across to the empty bed that Sam had occupied on their last visit. He needed his brother. He needed Cas. He needed not to be alone and afraid. He knew either would come if he asked and he knew that Sarah would welcome any extra guest he summoned to her home, but they had their own concerns to deal with and what could he really say? "I need you to come and support me as I try and probably fail to face stuff I've been running from all my life." was the best he could come up with and it sounded weak and stupid and selfish.

He put his notes down and lay back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, wishing he had Sam's strength or Cas's capacity for thought. "I'm John Winchester's son!" he said aloud. There were oceans of meaning in that sentence. There was pride and there was shame at his own cowardice - a fault his father had never had. Sleep was unlikely after that. He knew he would be thinking of his father, his failures and his fears long into the night. It was probably best that way. Awake, he could reason his way through it all. Asleep, it would just be nightmare fuel.


	22. Chapter 22

Cas no longer felt he had made a mistake. He was enjoying one of the best nights of his life. He was talking happily on every subject from the history of magic to the weirdness of combining peanut butter with jelly with a friend who made the bed bounce slightly as she laughed and that odd sensation made him smile as much as her laughter did.

The snacks he had brought turned out to be the right ones and he had always loved to make people feel loved and appreciated with gifts of food. They both liked the beer, though a hunter and an angel really had no chance of becoming inebriated on one beer. But that was good. Drunkenness on either side would only mar a good night.

Most people who knew he was an angel were cautious around him, afraid of falling victim to his heavenly wrath and celestial power. Jules was only careful not to hurt or confuse him. She had no fear of him at all. Indeed, as the night wore on, they moved closer together without a word of discussion. Her proximity kicked off all kinds of feelings and he was aware that these feelings, at least, were more erotic than aesthetic.

He was growing to love her odd, spontaneous displays of physical affection. Sometimes, she would hold his hand for a moment or kiss him. Once, she scattered little kisses all over his face and said, "You're gorgeous." her lips so close that he felt the words on his skin as extra kisses.

He finally got up the courage to kiss her. He hoped and half believed that he was quite good at kissing. It seemed to come naturally to him or perhaps to his vessel. Either way, his lips met hers and lingered for some time, becoming more adventurous when she responded with every indication of enthusiasm. When the kiss ended, she looked into his eyes and, with a beautiful smile said, "Do that again." So he did.

After several more kisses like that, he said, "Dean wanted me to find a hobby. I think I've found one."

She laughed. "It's something you're very good at."

His cheeks felt warmer and he tried not to grin too much, but it felt so good to hear her say that and know that he had not disappointed her.

She stroked his cheek with her cool hand. "How can someone so special be so shy?"

"I try hard not to be." he said.

She kissed his lips again.

"It wasn't a criticism." she said, "I like who you are. I love that you're not as arrogant as most men would be if they looked that good and kissed that well. It's sweet that you're surprised that I like lying here with you."

"I like this too." he said, "But it's getting late and you should sleep."

"Would it be wrong of me to ask you to let me sleep in your arms?" she said.

"There are no rights or wrongs until we make rules about them." he reminded her.

"Do you find the idea repellent?" she said.

He thought about it.

She went on, "Some people like to snuggle, others don't. Some men hate it."

"There are straight men who hate touching women?" he said.

"There are men who don't want to hold one all night." she said.

He looked at her, trying to imagine a circumstance in which the thought of physical contact with her would not seem intensely appealing. "And I thought I was weird." he said, "Just let me take off my coat. I think it might be uncomfortable for you."

She looked surprised. "Are you sure you want to do that, Cas? I know you find the sensation of contact more overwhelming without the coat."

"Any contact with you, whatever I am wearing, is intense." he said, "I may feel it more without the coat, but whatever happens, I will feel it powerfully. I trust you not to take advantage of any confusion or helplessness caused by being too close to a woman who, at a distance, can turn my mind to mush."

"In what sense do you mean take advantage? Because I can't promise not to grab a few extra kisses."

He got up, smiling and took off his coat, hanging it up with care. "I mean like stabbing me in the throat with my own angel blade." he said, "I have no objection whatsoever to satisfying any less violent urges you may have."

"I can work within those parameters." she said.

He took off his tie.

"You should hang that on the door knob." she said.

"Why?" he said.

"It should stop anyone just coming in." she said.

"Nobody does that anyway." he said, "I think they worry they may witness something man was not meant to know."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Whatever it is, angels apparently don't know either." He hung the tie on the door knob. "There, if it makes you happy."

She laughed. "I love you so much right now."

"For hanging a tie on the door?" he said, "Even for a human, that's an odd kink."

"It's supposed to be on the outside." she said.

"Oh." he said. He opened the door and put the tie there. "I hope nobody thinks I don't want it and takes it. I like that tie."

"Nobody will touch it." she said, "Now, come over here."

He returned to the bed and lay beside her.

"Are you sure this is okay?" she said, "Because you could get very bored."

"I have watched stars coalesce." he said, "I am not easily bored. Besides, the candlelight provides a changing light by which to see your face. I think I could look at that until all the stars are cold." He smiled. "You may want to punch me in the face before I start rambling about entropy."

"That face? Cas, nobody is punching that face on my watch." She snuggled up close and rested her head on his chest. "If this stops feeling good, tell me, okay?"

"I don't think that's likely to be a problem." he said, wrapping his arms around her. Nothing had ever felt so right and so natural. The mere fact that she wanted such closeness felt amazing, but the feeling of holding her in his arms, feeling her breath on his chest, smelling the light, jasmine scent she wore was intoxicating. He held her more tightly and kissed her head. "Sleep well." he said.


	23. Chapter 23

Dean left the bed and went to look out of the window. Sarah's farm had seen better days and the family she had shared it with were gone, but it still felt like a home. He had always wanted to find a place like that, in the mythical "after" time when he and Sam could stop moving around the country, staying in motels and waiting for their father to turn up. He had wanted a home for Sammy.

He knew what Sarah would say to that. "Why not for yourself?" and if she pressed him for an answer, after he had tried to pretend he hadn't heard the question, he would have explained, as her eyes grew sad and worried, that he had known, even then, that he would never be able to remake the feeling of safety and love that had been home to him in the brief, happy time when his family were alive and together.

He had a kind of home now. The bunker gave him a feeling of physical security. His mother's return had given him some emotional stability, interspersed with moments when he was overcome with the thought that he would lose her again. Above all, the bunker gave him a chance to keep those he loved safe and that was as close to the feeling of home as he could get without erasing the past 35 years.

He thought of Carl Kranz, growing up in ignorance of the monsters in the world, feeling safe in his home, going to college and living his life, like Sam should have. Then one idiot's stupid mistake had ended his life, destroying the life of his mother.

Dean had lost both of the children he thought of as his, Emma, who had tried to kill him and Ben, who wasn't his kid, but felt like his. Both losses had hurt. In both cases, the tangled mess of conflicting emotions made it hard for him to even think of them. Neither child had been his for long. He had really had no history at all with them and Sarah had nurtured her beloved son from the beginning of his life to the end.

He could understand how she had crumbled. So often, the weight of his own losses had reduced him to nothing and he had come back from that because Sam needed him to. He had no idea how she had made herself come back to life when she had no-one. Her friendship with Castiel had come about after she had rebuilt her life.

He checked the time. It was 2:23. He felt cold and tired and alone. He knew he should try to sleep, but the thought of nightmares or another imagined connection with Cas convinced him not to. He could cope very well without sleep. In fact, the exhaustion of his mind could be a positive advantage, shutting down some of the endless noise in his head, leaving him acting on instinct and ingrained habit. It was less complicated. It was, he admitted to himself, precisely why he did dumb things in the short term that made it harder for him to change.

Something felt different. As his mind ran around in circles, chasing its own confused ideas, there was something missing. It had been with him so long that he felt the change as an odd absence, but as he homed in on the difference, he had to admit, he was glad to be rid of it.

He was not worrying about Cas.

It made no sense, because Cas was as vulnerable as ever and as threatened, by Heaven, Hell, any passing monster with a grudge and the guilt he carried and the deep fears of repeating his mistakes. Dean should have had the usual background anxiety, the usual urge to check that all was well. Instead, he just felt peace and a certainty that Cas was safe from harm.

The peace lasted only briefly before anxiety took over. Was the loss of worry itself a worrying sign? Was his peace just the free gift that came with his brand of insanity? As he lost his mind, was he losing the ability to care about the people he loved? It was strangely reassuring that he still found himself worrying over Sam, but the Cas thing was troubling. He had no reason to believe Cas was fine, so why was his mind telling him that was the case? It couldn't be the mind curse, because the one thing that was absolutely certain was that Cas's mind would be in chaos, not peace, because of the whole Jules thing.

"I am not cracking up." he whispered to himself. He remembered his father saying, "Crazy people never know how crazy they are." That was not a reassuring idea to entertain after 2 am when he had no possible excuse to call any of the people who would make him feel better with a few words of sanity or just sympathy.

Any of the people. The words hung around in his mind, offering a kind of comfort. As a kid, a teenager, even later, he had often felt alone with his burdens. Sammy needed to be protected, not made to support him. John Winchester had always made it clear, confiding in others was a mistake and could only cause trouble. Cass Robinson had confirmed that for him, by responding to his honesty with mockery and rejection. So he had sucked it up and done his job and resigned himself to a lonely life.

Now, his chosen family was large and their loyalty unquestionable. There were people he could call right now, with no explanation and they would listen to whatever he had to say. Donna, Jody, Garth, even Claire, although he felt too protective of her to bother her with his crap. At the other end of the house, he knew, there was Sarah, who loved him as if he were her son and who would not mind at all if he woke her and asked to talk. In the past, there had been no-one to turn to except Sam, who was the baby brother he had to protect, whatever the cost. Now, his isolation was a choice. Now, he was dealing with things alone because he chose not to open up, not because there was nobody to whom he could.


	24. Chapter 24

Sam was half asleep in the empty library when Jack came in. He sat up suddenly and looked at the laptop screen, trying to remember what he had been researching.

"Hello." said Jack.

"Apparently, you talked to Mom about me." said Sam.

"Sorry. I was worried. You weren't yourself. You weren't being rational. I was afraid. I didn't mean to cause trouble."

Sam felt bad. He hadn't intended to make Jack feel guilty. "It's okay, Jack." he said, "Truth is, I needed her. You did the right thing."

"Good." said Jack.

"For future reference, do what you need to do. I won't give you a hard time over it. Your intentions are always good and so are your instincts." He looked around. "Have you seen Cas? You said in your text that he didn't want to be contacted unless there was an emergency, but that was hours ago and I haven't seen him all night."

"He's in his room. He and Jules are having a sleepover."

"A sleepover?" said Sam.

"That's what he said." said Jack, "What happens in a sleepover?"

"With those two? I have no idea." said Sam. His imagination supplied possibilities from painting each other's nails to summoning and binding demons.

"I went past his door earlier. There was a tie hanging on it. Does that mean something?"

Sam stared at his screen, trying to think of a safe answer for a very innocent nephilim who hadn't seen his second birthday. "Uhh, basically, it means 'Do not disturb.'" he said.

"He looked happy with her." said Jack, "I think they're good together."

"Yeah, I think so too." said Sam.

"It's probably a good sign that they want to be alone together. Should I stay out of their way?"

"Tonight, yes. In general, no. Cas would think you were annoyed with him. This thing with Jules may go the distance or it may not, but if he does get serious about her, that means she joins the family. She won't replace it. He still needs us."

"Good. I want him to be happy and if he needed me to back off, I would, but I really don't want to."

"Nobody will ever replace you in his life." said Sam, "Nobody will ever be more important to him than you are. Also, you make him laugh more than anyone else can. You made him laugh at the party. Do you have any idea how hard Dean and I try to make him that happy?"

"I'm glad I help. Sometimes, he seems so weighed down, so sad."

"Yes, he has a lot to deal with." said Sam, "He's under pressures that we know nothing about. I think life was a lot simpler for him before he met us. I really hope he can find some happiness with Jules. We all need a little love in our lives."

"So, are you looking for someone?" said Jack.

Sam shook his head. "I had someone. She died."

"I'm sorry. And you never found anyone else?"

"Potentially. She died too. After a while, it just doesn't seem worth looking anymore."

"How about Dean?" said Jack.

"I'm not sure he ever looked. He keeps things simple."

"Castiel might be the least messed up of all of us. At least he's trying." said Jack.

"Less of the us, kid. There is nothing wrong with you."

"You think I'll find love?" said Jack hopefully.

"Yeah, I think there's a good chance. Just don't rush into anything. Be smart. Be cautious. Don't get your heart broken."

"I'm not sure it's optional." said Jack. He pointed to the time on the laptop. It was 3:06. "Are you planning to sleep at all?"

"Are you sending me to bed?" said Sam.

Jack smiled. "Yeah, I think I am. And you said to do what I need to do. Someone has to look after you, Sam, because you won't look after yourself, will you?"

"I try to." said Sam.

"I know the Dean thing and the talismans thing and the Jules and Cas thing ... They're all driving you crazy and you want to make everything okay for everyone and this must all be so hard ... "

Sam heard the slight mimicry. "Are you doing me?"

"Maybe. I learned from the best." said Jack, "Go to your room, hang a tie on the door and get some rest."

"Yeah, I don't think I'll do the tie thing."

"Why? Does it mean something more than you said?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think they're having sex?" said Jack.

Sam considered it for a moment. It wasn't impossible. "No, probably not." he said, "They're just having a sleepover."

"I still don't really know what that means."

"I'm kinda curious what it means to him." said Sam, "But I guess we'll hear about it tomorrow."

"Then there's really no reason to wait up now." said Jack.

"So what are you doing up?" said Sam.

"Mostly worrying about you. If only there were some way I could stop doing that."

Sam raised his hand. "Okay, enough. I'll go to bed." He closed the laptop. "You should sleep too."

"Okay." said Jack. He headed for the doorway.

"Oh, and Jack," he said, waiting for Jack to turn before he added, "All this caring about other people that you do, it's very good, very positive, very human. Your mother would be proud."

"Thanks, Sam." said Jack, "Sleep well, okay?"

"Okay. You too." said Sam. He checked his phone one last time before heading to bed. No messages from Dean. He hoped that was a good sign. "Sleep well, Dean." he said quietly.


	25. Chapter 25

Dean was sitting on the floor, his back against the side of the bed. He felt a little stiff and cold, but it was hardly the first time. He felt okay. He felt calm, albeit with the usual undercurrents of fear and guilt, but calmish was good enough for him. In a few hours, he could go downstairs and make breakfast for himself and Sarah and she would never know that he had spent the night awake.

That plan was wrecked by a quiet knock. The door slowly opened and light came into the room. Sarah, bundled in a thick red robe, peered at him with worried eyes and said, "I thought so. Why are you awake? Recovering from a bad dream or avoiding one?"

"I'm okay." he said.

She went over to what he thought of as Sam's bed and sat down. "I'll wait here."

"For what?" he said.

"For you to go through the usual script of lies and half-truths and get to the point where you're ready to really talk."

"Sometimes I don't sleep a lot. It's no big deal." he said.

"You can't be very comfortable down there." she said, "But then, that's the point, isn't it? If you get comfortable, you'll fall asleep."

He was too tired and too stressed to argue. "Yeah." he said.

"If you're determined to stay awake, we should go downstairs, sit in comfort and talk. I could make tea or coffee, to help you stay awake."

"You're okay with that?" he said. He had expected some disagreement.

"Of course. If you need to be awake, I won't stop you." she said.

"But you should go back to bed." he said, "You need your sleep."

"The older I get, the less I sleep." she said, "And I'd rather have good company for my wakeful hours than be lying in bed worrying about how you are. I would be worrying, you know."

"If I'd been a little quieter ... "

"It's as much what I didn't hear as what I did." she said, "I'd have known."

"You are one scary lady." he said.

"You are one scary man." she said, "Sitting here in the dark, brooding on Heaven knows what and thinking you have to handle it all alone. You could have woken me. I wouldn't have minded."

"No, I know you wouldn't." he said.

She stood and offered her hand to help him up. He didn't need the help, but he took her hand anyway, knowing the love in the gesture. Once he was on his feet, he held it a moment longer, needing her maternal affection as much as he needed to let her know he appreciated her kindness. Then he let go and she led him down to the kitchen.

"Coffee?" she said.

"Please." he said.

"I'll make it strong." she said, "You go sit in the parlour. Light the fire. Once the coffee's brewing, I'll grab us a couple of blankets. It gets cold in the early hours. I don't know about you, but these old bones need their warmth."

He didn't answer. He just let her gentle devotion embrace him. Whatever his flaws and faults and wrongs, Sarah Kranz accepted him just as he was. She cared whether his body ached and longed to soothe the pain in his heart. He didn't refuse the offer of a blanket and soon he was on the couch, the blanket around his shoulders while she sat in her chair with hers wrapped around her knees.

"You're not wearing your watch," she said, "Which suggests you at least tried to sleep."

"I tried." he confirmed.

"But crouching on the floor makes it very clear that you wanted to be awake. What happened?"

"If you didn't ask, we could both pretend nothing did." he said hopefully.

"Repression and denial? Didn't we agree those were bad things?"

"I've always kinda liked bad things." he said, "All the good stuff is bad."

She went to fetch the coffee. As she put his mug into his hands she said, "You want to talk as much as I want to listen. Why hold back?"

He shrugged. He sipped his coffee.

"Do you think I can't take it? Because I can and I will."

"Maybe I don't think I'm worth putting you through every bad night." he said.

"It can be hard, to break out of a set pattern like that. I'm not your father, Dean. I'm not any of the people you decided to protect from your pain. I need your pain. I need to be needed. I need to help you and this distancing thing you do only makes that harder."

"Tonight, it's stupid stuff, all of it. I've got thoughts running through my head and I'm not worrying about Cas and I should be and I keep seeing fire and I don't know why. Saying it aloud, it sounds even more stupid."

"Don't worry about how it sounds. I will never think you are stupid. Let's start with the fire. The obvious possibility is that it's connected to your mother's death. Do you think that's the case?"

"No. I'm used to those images. They're always the same, like a video playing in my head."

"It sounds like you get them often."

"Yeah, all the time. It's not Hell either. There's fire in Hell, but the fire I'm seeing in these weird ... I don't wanna call them visions ... "

"That seems like a good word for them."

"Sounds psychic and I'm not psychic. The thing is, the fire is clean. It's about as far from demonic as you can get. I thought I was seeing an archangel attack on the bunker, but there was no fear either and there was no attack and now the fire has changed to lava, but it feels the same." He drank some coffee and then smiled at her. "You starting to regret listening yet?"

"No. I won't regret that, Dean. Go on."

"I thought it was the mind curse coming back." he saw her look of disapproval and said, "Okay, mind link. Whatever. There's no attack on the bunker by fireballs or lava, so I think I just felt Cas being confused about the fireballs because since the mind cur ... thing, I associate all visions with Cas first."

"That's plausible." she said, "Clean is an odd word to use."

"Yeah, it is, but it's how the fire felt both times. No fear, no guilt, no disgust like I get in dreams of Hellfire or Mom's death and no feelings like demons are laughing. It felt clean and ... I don't know ... not evil, not destructive. Fire can purify and refine, right? Maybe fire has more to do with why I'm here than with past losses."

"That sounds very positive." she said.

"Positive and a tiny bit terrifying. Why am I so afraid of this working out? I should want that."

"You do want it." she said, "You're here. You're talking to me. You know how much you need this to work, for yourself and all those who depend on you."

"So it's possible the fire stuff is me, telling myself to make it work? That's what I think now. And that would be a good thing, right? That would mean my subconscious is on board."

"Yes, it would." she said, "And that's a major step forward, isn't it?"

"I guess it is." he said.

"I think, before we discuss the Castiel issue, we may both need some cookies."


	26. Chapter 26

Castiel was listening to Jules, breathing quietly as she slept and watching the faint smile on her lips and the relaxed way her hand lay on his chest, as if it were normal and natural for it to be there. Even in sleep, her touch had a powerful effect on his emotions. There had been little of this in his life. He hugged his friends, sometimes, but there was something beautiful about someone trusting him enough to fall asleep easily in his arms and loving him enough to want to be there.

She loved him. She had virtually said it. She had said it, he decided, as he ran through the conversation in his mind. Hearing it, really taking it in, was hard for him, because he felt so completely unworthy of any human's love. In the hours between midnight and the bustle of bunker breakfast times, he often found himself listing all the things he had done that made him unworthy. It wasn't the falls that upset him, but the heartless acts, the monstrous acts, the blood of other angels' vessels on his blade, deaths by the Leviathans, deaths he had chosen to inflict, deaths where he had never had a choice.

He had wronged humanity. He had wronged Heaven. Dean forgave him because his intentions had always been good, but the purity of his intentions did not make any of his actions right and nothing could make killing Balthazar right. He didn't even understand how he had reached a point of paranoia where he could convince himself he had to kill his brother for conspiring with the Winchesters to save him from himself.

Jules didn't know it all. She knew some. She knew he was fallen and that Heaven had good reason to hate him. She knew he had slain countless angels. Countless was the wrong word. Their names were playing on a loop in his mind. He knew how many. He knew who. He saw their faces still. Jules knew enough to see him as a monster, but she never saw him that way. She said he was good. Odd how her opinion mattered to him more than the lofty judgements of Heaven.

But then, he very probably loved her.

That thought should have made him happy. It was what he wanted. Dean and Sam and Sarah kept telling him that he could find love and now maybe he had. It was just that he wasn't sure it was so good for Jules. He was not a catch. He was more of a "Throw it back and never speak of it again." He had betrayed everyone he had ever loved. He had broken promises. He had all but destroyed Heaven.

There were so many good reasons for her to walk away, so many reasons for him to make that decision for her and give up on the stupid idea that he could find happiness, when he deserved misery. He should never have allowed things to get this far. He should never have pretended to himself that he was fit to be among humans, to act as if he were one of them. That bordered on blasphemy.

But blasphemy felt so good. Her head and hand on his chest, touching him so trustingly, her voice when she had told him she cared, her gentle laughter when he misunderstood, her happiness when he understood perfectly ... Jules gave him joy and peace and a feeling of acceptance, even redemption.

His vessel was human and humans had urges like angels had righteousness. It was part of who and what they were. Humans liked to touch and embrace and entwine and had his response to Jules been only the intensely physical attraction he felt for her, the thoughts in his head of sensual delights, he could have dismissed it as a side-effect of inhabiting a human body, but it was not only that.

His mind was angelic, celestial, besotted. As Dean had inspired in him a friendship that altered every part of his life, so Jules now inspired him to something else. Conversation had never before felt like an intimate act. He craved any interaction with her, any contact, however fleeting. At the party, he had danced with her and that had been wonderful and physical and exciting in all manner of ways, but what had shocked him was the power a glance could have over him, a look across the room when she was dancing with someone else ... someone she barely looked at, because her eyes were on him.

It seemed like love. It felt like love. And as Dean had once said, "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my car? It's a duck, Cas. I mean, these things poop everywhere." He smiled to himself. Dean wanted him to find love. Dean always wanted the best for him.

Dean forgot what a flawed being he was. Dean, who could list all his own faults, real and imagined, always forgot his. He thought Cas worthy of the love of someone like Jules. Cas knew, with absolute certainty, that he was not.

He should wake her now and tell her the truth. He should end this before she got hurt, an innocent victim of his next big mistake. He could live without her, he had done so for a very long time. Whatever happened, he would always have the sweet memories of this one, perfect night, the knowledge that she had seen something good in him, that she had trusted him. After so many dark, cold ages with so little love, he could live a long time on this blazing light.

He opened his mouth to speak, but no selfless words of regret and respect presented themselves. To wake her now seemed a profanity. To wake her in order to reject her was an abomination. He acknowledged to himself that his reasons for not ending the relationship immediately were utterly selfish, but one of them was that he could not bear to see her smile fade away and the light in her eyes dwindle. She loved him and he probably loved her and it should have made everything so simple, but he was Castiel, the angel who broke Heaven and he needed her love to save him, but knew that she deserved better.

He had two fatal flaws, his indecision and the rash, stupid decisions he made to try to overcome it. As those flaws fought for control of how, exactly, he would destroy this beautiful thing he had found, by idiotic action or impotent paralysis, he remembered something Sarah had said to him. "Fear gives bad advice. Love is wiser."

He put his hand over her hand on his chest, as if by doing so he could protect both her and this seedling relationship. In reality, he feared he would lose both, but not yet.


	27. Chapter 27

Dean ate his second chocolate chip cookie and then smiled at Sarah, who was watching him with a kindly smile. "You made these yourself, didn't you?" he said.

"Yes. I always have some ready. No matter how lonely your life is, my dear, always keep a full cookie jar."

"Yes, that sounds like you." he said.

"Can we talk about Castiel now?" she said, "Preferably without the recitation of how much you hate the mind link and how he wouldn't be your friend if he knew you better, even though he has literally seen inside your head. Can we be honest about Castiel?"

"I don't know what you mean by that." he said.

"Fine, we'll do it that way. We'll talk about Castiel, you'll be partially honest and I get to guess when you're lying or being evasive. It's good. We'll make it like a game."

"Why would I lie?" he said.

"Let's identify the lies for now and figure out the motivation later. That can be round two. Let's begin with why you're not worrying about Castiel."

"I know. It makes no sense." he said, "I should be worrying more now, because of the Jules thing."

"Maybe you're worrying less because of the Jules thing. At the party. they were clearly happy together. I confess, I wouldn't be surprised to see some jealousy."

"Why would I be jealous?" said Dean, "I want him to be happy."

"Maybe jealousy is the wrong word. Some fear that he won't need you." she said.

"I would love for him not to need me, because one day, I won't be here." he said. He saw her look and added, "Okay, it'll hurt like Hell if he doesn't need me a little bit - if he didn't need me at all, but I can live with it. I want him to be happy. I want him to be free. Seeing him like that with Jules, it was great. That's the truth."

"Yes, I know it is." she said.

"But I know things are going crazy for him. I should be more worried now, not less."

She shook her head. "You really never stop auditing your own thoughts, questioning your own motives, doubting your own value as a friend, a son, a brother. Have you ever spent a whole day without judging yourself?"

"Has anyone?" he said, "Anyone with a soul, anyway?"

"I think you feel instinctively that things are going well between Castiel and Jules. For that reason, you feel a little more hopeful about his future. I do too. But you're worried about worrying less. You worry that it makes you a bad friend. I think it just means you know him very well. You can see, as I can, that he has every chance of happiness, of love. Allow yourself to be happy for him."

"I'll admit, part of it is guilt about leaving him at a time like this. Cas is old and wise and, for an angel, very good with people, which tells you all you need to know about how bad the other angels are. He's also way out of his depth on this and he'll struggle. He has all the deep understanding of interpersonal relationships of a fifteen year old boy and a lot more self-doubt."

"Which brings us to the next thing we should discuss. Why do you feel like it's your job to take care of the angel?"

"Honestly? I broke him. I'm the reason he fell. I'm the reason he's stuck with all these confusing, emotional humans. And before you say it, I know you see that as a good thing and so do I, because Cas was greatly improved by learning from humans." He drank more of the strong coffee. It was beginning to kick in and he was thinking a little more clearly. "It's not just free will," he said, "But compassion and forgiveness and Led Zeppelin and everything. Doesn't alter the fact that I dragged him down to my level and was the cause of everything that has left him so vulnerable and alone." Something occurred to him that he really didn't like. "I cut him off from his family."

"A very dysfunctional family." she said.

"I'm not throwing any stones in that particular glass house." he said.

"Castiel thinks you raised him to your level." she said.

"Yeah, I told you. He has a totally unrealistic view of me, but it does at least mean he listens, sometimes. I should be there, to tell him to go for it with Jules."

"He seems to be doing that."

"Yeah, for now. First time it gets difficult, you know what he'll do? He'll give up and decide he never had a right to love. He'll tell himself he's not allowed happiness, that after all he's done, he doesn't deserve it and can't be trusted with the happiness of someone else. He'll go back into hiding in that damn coat and Jules will think he never cared. And he'll let her think it."

"Is that how you missed out on love?" she said.

He looked at her. "I was talking about Cas, not me."

"I just wondered."

"Now you're being dishonest. You have all kinds of theories about me."

"Yes, I do.."

"And one of them is that I am trying to fix in Castiel the things I think it's too late to fix in me."

"Is that also your theory?" she said.

"Would it be such a bad thing, to use my mistakes to help him? I owe him and it's not like my past mistakes do a lot to help me. Maybe something good can come from them. But no, it's not my theory. I'm not that introspective."

She smiled. "Is that a joke, my dear?"

"I'm really very shallow. I just know how to fake depth."

"Just for variety, make the next thing to pass your lips the absolute truth." she said.

"Okay, here's the truth. I need to see him happy. I need to know I didn't completely screw up his eternity by dragging him into my brief and worthless life. Because, if Cas ends up alone and unhappy forever, that's on me and it may be the worst thing I have ever done, in a life not short on terrible things."


	28. Chapter 28

The darkness wasn't dark to Castiel, even after the candles had gone out. He could still see Jules clearly and he was not weary of the sight. Sometimes, as she dreamed, he saw a flicker of a frown and wondered if he should stop what might be a nightmare, but he didn't. Of all the things he had come to value through knowing humans, their self-sovereignty was one of his favourites. Perhaps, one day, she would ask him to fix her dreams, but she had not and it didn't feel right to do it.

Some of her dreams must be good. At times, a smile came to her lips. At times, the lips moved, as if wanting to say something and he wondered if she might be dreaming of him. It seemed unlikely. It seemed a little arrogant, but the thought gave him pleasure anyway.

"I may be in love with you." he said, the most honest declaration he could come up with, if not the most passionate, "And if so, I have excellent taste."

Her hand gripped his shirt. He wondered if that were in response to his words or if it were a mere coincidence.

He watched her in silence for a while longer, wondering whether his vessel's heart beat as loudly in her ears as it did in his. Then, suddenly, she opened her eyes. She reached out, presumably for the lamp she was used to switching on every morning. He turned on the lamp beside him.

"Cas." she said. She looked at the clock. "Wow, you really did make it through the night without dying of boredom."

"I'd ask how you slept, but you slept beautifully." he said.

"I doubt that."

"Don't doubt it. I don't have the sophistication to flatter." he said.

"I don't believe that either, because you say lovely things all the time."

He wanted to tell her what the night had meant to him, but he hesitated to speak about it in case he sounded strange or desperate or stupid. But then he thought of how much he would want to hear it if she had felt as he felt in the night and he decided that he should just say something.

"The nights get so lonely, when everyone else is asleep." he said, "And angel radio is quiet these days and when it isn't, it's mostly angry and my name gets mentioned a lot and not in a good way. But last night, I didn't feel so alone. Last night, I felt safe, at peace."

She sat up and kissed him. "I haven't slept so well in years. For the first time since the apocalypse hit, I didn't feel afraid."

"I told Jack I didn't want him and Sam to contact me unless there was an emergency." he said, "I've never done that before."

"Still available for emergencies, though. That's why I like you so much. You're so unselfish."

"No. I'm really not. I was preemptively thinking very violent thoughts about anyone who might declare an emergency." he said.

"I should get up, make myself presentable and get on with my job." she said, "But I know I will be thinking of you all day."

"The research on Rhydian ... Obviously, if Sam needs you to work on something else, it's not that much of a priority. If you do find anything, though ... "

"I'll do what I can." she said.

"I need to check on Dean and I need to ... well, angel stuff. If you need a research assistant, you know how I love to get down and dusty in the archives with you."

"Angelology fascinates me, even more so now. What angel stuff?" she said.

"Sometimes, we need to spend a little time in contemplation." he said. He chose not to tell her that he needed to consider the more disturbing thoughts of the night and decide how far he could pursue this illicit joy that Heaven would never have sanctioned.

She went over to his closet and took out three ties, a blue one and the two green ones she had given him for his birthday. "Which one?" she said.

"Green and white stripes." he said. In their secret code, that meant he was eager to talk.

"That's my favourite." she said, giving it to him.

"Good." he said. He put it on. "I wonder if the other one is still outside."

"Of course it is. Who'd steal from a seraph?"

"An archangel?"

"Unlikely one was roaming the bunker last night looking for a tie." she said, "About the tie ... I probably should have warned you. People who saw it might assume that we had sex last night."

"Oh." he said.

"But obviously, you can set them straight on that. Or I can. I know you probably don't want them talking about us."

"Does it bother you if they think that?" he said.

"No. Why would it?"

"You seem to think it should bother me." he said.

"It isn't true." she said, "And they might say things."

"Yes. They do sometimes say things, though I have implored them to stop." he said.

"I'm being serious." she said, smiling.

"If you heard the things said about me on angel radio, you wouldn't worry about a few hunters speculating about my sex life."

"So it really doesn't worry you if people think ... "

"If I weren't such a coward, it would probably be true."

"You're not a coward." she said.

"What they think about me doesn't matter. What you think about me does." he said.

"I think you're the best thing that ever happened to me." she said.

"Your life to this point must have been tragic." he said.

She kissed him again. "I hope that was another joke, Castiel."


	29. Chapter 29

Sarah went to the window. "In another couple of hours, the sun will start to rise. If you wanted to go back to bed, now would be the time. You must be tired."

"I'm okay." he said, "Hunters don't sleep much. I should call the bunker, but it's a bit early. They'd think something was wrong."

"Something is." she said.

"Yeah, that's precisely why I don't wanna give them that impression." he said. He smiled. "You wanted honesty."

"I did." she said, "And you're being very honest. Thankyou." She went back to her chair and sat down.

"Lying to you is hard work."

"Lying to yourself can't be easy, because you're too clever to be fooled for long."

"I don't know. I've told myself a lot of things I've believed for years."

"Such as?"

"That I do more good than bad."

"That's true."

"Tell Benny. Tell Dad. Tell Lisa."

"It's you that needs to hear it." she said.

"I was an actual demon for a while."

"Yes, I know. You were corrupted by the Mark of Cain. You left your brother and Castiel."

"Abandoned them both, after all my promises to Sam."

"The mark wanted you to kill Sam. You left to protect him."

All the things he hadn't told her suddenly clustered together in his chest, their pressure almost physical. "You say you can take it all, but there's stuff worse than anything you can have heard before. Laying that on you would be unfair."

"As unfair as it all being laid on you?" she said.

"Hey, trust me, everything that ever happened to me, I deserved. You know what happened in Hell. You know what I did." He wanted to tell her how he had been broken, but the words were burning his throat and once spoken, could not be unspoken.

"Nothing you say can hurt me as much as withholding it hurts you." she said, "I know a lot already. I also know that nothing you tell me will make me despise you. Remember, I have helped people who chose very dark paths with far more choice in the matter than you ever had. I know your soul is burdened, my dear and I know you think you have to bear the burden alone, but we're alone here and there is nothing you can't tell me."

"I was in Hell for forty years, Hell time." he said, "I was tortured every day, destroyed every day." He stared at his coffee mug on the table. Anything to avoid looking into her eyes. "I was tortured by a demon called Alistair. Hell's most effective torturer. That's not an excuse, just a fact. Dad never broke under the same torture. They wanted him to be the righteous man who shed blood in Hell and kick-started the apocalypse, but he was too strong. No matter what they did to him, he never gave in. He never gave in."

She moved over to sit beside him.

He closed his eyes. "Every day, Alistair made the same offer. He'd end my torture if I became a torturer. I was weak, I know it. I never should have broken. Sam wouldn't. Sam didn't. He was longer in the pit than I was and he was with Lucifer and he still came out of it as Sam. When we talk about Hell, which we don't do, most of the time, but when we do, I can't look him in the eyes. He and Cas know and they forgive me. They think it matters that I held out for thirty years. What matters is that, for ten, I was as bad as Alistair. Hell, I was worse."

She said nothing. He didn't dare to meet her eyes.

He took a deep breath and went on. "I was good at it. I enjoyed it. Cas and Sam make excuses for me, but there can be no excuse for that. Nothing can make that right. Do you think my father knows what I did? Sooner or later, Mom will know, because she's reading the damn books." He put his head in his hands. "I didn't mean to tell you any more of this. I'm sorry."

She put her arms around him and hugged him. He let his head fall onto her shoulder and she stroked his hair and whispered, "It's alright, my dear. None of it is your fault."

"I chose it all." he said, tears gathering in his eyes.

"No, my dear! No, you didn't."

"Whatever I do, whoever I save, I can never put right what I did in Hell." he said, almost sobbing.

"What you did in Hell was never your choice and it can never undo all the good you have done, before and since."

"There's a hole in my soul that can never be filled." he said, "Dean Winchester is dead and this hellspawned mess is all that's left of who he used to be."

"Dean Winchester is alive and in pain and fighting to get back to the light." said Sarah, "And you know what? He's going to make it. Hell can break anyone, but Dean has the strength and courage to fix himself."

"I've done things I can hardly bear to think about." he said.

"If you were as bad as you think you are, you wouldn't flinch from thinking about those things." she said.

"You've counselled the victims of torture. You know the harm I've done."

"You are a victim of torture." she said.

"That's what Cas says. He says what I did was part of my torture, but I say I had a choice."

"The point of torture is to destroy the victim and take away their choices." said Sarah.

He wanted to back away and take back all he had said. He was as afraid of her pity as her contempt and he was beginning to discover that he was even more afraid of the love they all kept giving him, their understanding, their forgiveness, their voices raised in a defence he would not attempt for himself.

They could see the Dean Winchester he had been telling himself was dead. They looked at the child he had been, not with grief for the loss of innocence and goodness, but with hope for the future. His father had told him to carry Sam out of the fire and not look back. Now Sarah, Sam and Cas wanted him to go back in and save himself and it would be easier to just accept that he had died, that whatever was worth saving had been lost.

"I can't change the past." he said, "I want to, but I can't."

"I know you can't." she said, "None of us can. But you can choose to put it behind you. You can let the wounds heal. You can learn to forgive yourself."

"For all the unforgivable things I have done?" he said.

"Nothing is unforgivable." she said, "And it was done to you. Also, you held out for thirty years. How can that not mean something to you?"

"All that matters is that I failed. I broke."

For a while, she just hugged him and he let her, longing to believe that she was right to think there was something left of the person he had been or had believed himself to be, but also afraid that she was right and that he would have to fight on to save himself when he was so tired of fighting. Then, she sat back a little and looked into his eyes and said, "I love you like you were my own son, Dean. I love you and I am proud of you and I believe in you. When the sun rises this morning, it's a new start. It's time to take away the power the past has over you. I want you to have faith in yourself, to believe that you are a good person who has sometimes been in very bad places."

"I don't feel like a good person." he said.

"I know, my dear. I know."


	30. Chapter 30

Sam was woken by his phone. Jack was calling him. He answered it. "Jack, what's wrong?"

"I can't find Cas." said Jack, "Jules is in the library, but Cas isn't."

"Has his car gone?" said Sam.

"No."

"Have you tried his room?"

"I'm there now. His coat's here and his phone's here."

"Okay, keep calm." said Sam, "He won't get far on foot. Check the pockets of the coat. Is the lighter there?"

There was silence, then Jack said, "No. The picture of his first vessel is."

"Good. He hasn't left permanently. He'd never leave that behind. You gave him that."

"Something's wrong, Sam. I can feel it." said Jack.

Sam was horribly afraid he was right. Neither the coat nor the phone would usually be left behind. Cas had taken the lighter, which suggested he needed Dean, but was also a hopeful sign, because it seemed unlikely he would take it if he intended to throw himself on the mercy of Heaven, such as it was.

"He's probably fine." he said to Jack, "It's been an eventful few days. Maybe he just needs space. You take a walk down the road, I'll check the trees above the bunker. If you find him, call me."

He quickly dressed and headed out into the trees. He had been walking about five minutes when he saw Cas sitting against a tree trunk, looking at the ground a few feet in front of him. He was wearing a tie Sam didn't recognise. Sam called Jack and said, "I've found him. He's okay."

"Good." said Jack. Sam was relieved that there were no questions. He was sure that Cas would have heard them both.

"Cas?" he said.

Cas looked up. "Sam." he said, "If there were a problem, you could have prayed."

"My problem was that I was worried about you." said Sam.

"I'm fine." said Cas, "I'm better than fine. I'm just a little more lost than usual. I needed time to think."

"And are you thinking good things or bad things?" said Sam.

"I'm thinking I need to think some more." he said.

Sam sat on a flat stone. "Two heads are better than one. Talk to me."

"I don't think you'd understand." said Cas, "It's complicated. It's all about Balthazar and Meg and Hester and Jack and the fact that I came back from the Empty."

"And Jules?"

"Yes, she's in there somewhere too."

"Okay, biggest thing first. What about the Empty?"

"I've always, you know, had a list. People I want back. People I would bring back if I could. Well, not people."

"Angels?"

"Angels, archangels, two who are neither. I mean, they're abominations. They're demons. But we owe them. I owe them."

"Crowley and Meg." said Sam.

"Yes. And Meg and I had a strange sort of something. It wasn't a relationship. It wasn't a romance. It wasn't friendship."

"She called you her unicorn." said Sam, "Whatever it was, it meant something to her."

"Yes. Before she ... before Crowley murdered her, we had a conversation and things were said by her that ... well, I may have sort of promised something and now there's every chance we may one day get her back and I know I shouldn't consort with demons, but ... "

"But you'd like to consort with that one?"

"Not like to, exactly."

"Right, you sort of promised." said Sam.

"But now there's Jules."

"And you want to do some serious consorting with her?"

"Are you making fun of me?"

"No," said Sam, "Just trying to understand."

"I know you think I'm overthinking this, but I'm theoretically immortal. Mistakes now could have consequences for a very long time and then, Jules is mortal and her life is short and I don't want to be the reason she feels she wasted it." He looked at the sky. "And yes, I know what I just said makes it sound like I'm overthinking it, but there's a good reason for that."

"Yeah, you're overthinking it." said Sam.

"Yes."

"But that doesn't mean your fears and doubts don't matter. You need to feel good about your decisions and you've always had a problem with decisions. You have this long list of things you got wrong and you beat yourself up about it. You're worried you'll screw this up because you think you screw everything up. You don't, by the way."

"I do."

"Look at Jack."

"Jack is a Winchester success more than mine."

"Jack is your success. Ask him." said Sam. He didn't like to ask about the coat. It felt too much like pointing out someone's nakedness. "Nice tie." he said.

"Jules gave it to me. She gave me two. When I wear this one, it means I want to talk. When I wear the one without stripes, it means I want to be alone."

"That's actually kinda brilliant." said Sam, "Except, you're out here alone advertising that you want to talk."

"I told her I needed to contemplate some things."

"Did you tell her what things?" said Sam.

"No. I don't want the confusion I feel to harm our relationship."

"I don't think it would." said Sam, "Jules is really mature and sensible and I think she'd understand."

"Even about Meg?"

"I think so." said Sam.

"Last night, things happened that I wasn't really expecting."

"Jack told me you two had a sleepover." said Sam.

"Yes." said Cas, giving nothing away.

"So, was it ... good?"

"It was." said Cas, "It was the best night of my life."

"Well, that's good." said Sam.

"Yes. We talked. We talked a lot."

"Nice." said Sam, wondering what kind of conversation would make it the best night of such a long life.

"She was lying in my arms, Sam. She fell asleep with her head on my chest. I watched her sleep all night."

Sam understood. An angel who had been starved of affection for eternity had found one night on which he felt loved and needed. "Sounds pretty great." he said.

"It was great. It was." said Cas, "I don't suppose you've heard from Dean at all?"

"No, not yet. Hopefully, that means everything's fine." said Sam, "I think you should come back to the bunker. Brooding out here won't help."

"There's another thing. What if Heaven doesn't like my involvement with Jules?"

"Heaven has tortured you, lied to you, abandoned you and exiled you. Heaven doesn't get a vote."


	31. Chapter 31

Dean took a short, refreshing shower before getting dressed and going back downstairs. He was tired, but also oddly awake. He knew there would be problems later from the lack of sleep, but he didn't want to close his eyes and let his mind wander off uncontrolled.

Sarah was in the kitchen, frying up a generous breakfast. She smiled when she saw him. "How are you feeling?" she said.

"Better." he said, "Are you okay? You didn't get much sleep either."

"Don't worry about me." she said, "I've managed on a lot less sleep. How's your appetite?"

"Nothing wrong with that." he said, "I smell bacon!"

She put his food on the table and as he sat down, she patted his shoulder. She served up her own share and sat opposite him. "Have you had any more visions?" she said.

"Don't call them that. That psychic stuff freaks me out. Call them ... I don't know ... delusions. But no, I haven't had any more."

"Delusions implies a disconnection with reality. I don't think that's the problem."

He ate his breakfast, saying little except to praise the food. He didn't want to ask what she had planned or even what she was thinking about anything. He just wanted to enjoy the good food and the warm kitchen and the feeling of being at home.

After breakfast, Sarah put the plates on the side and said, "You should call the bunker, for your own peace of mind. You know, it might be a good idea to ask Castiel to come here."

"I can't really justify calling him away now." he said.

"Your decision. I just think you may need someone here."

"Why? How bad do you think things will get?"

"I want you to sleep tonight, Dean. Maybe having someone around ... "

"To zap me?"

"No, to make you feel safe enough to risk unconsciousness."

"Sorry. I guess lack of sleep makes me paranoid."

"You're going through a lot." she said, "You're allowed to be prickly about it."

"I keep waiting for you to get sick of all my crap." he said.

"You'll be waiting a long time. Remember, I did all the same crap. Sometimes I look at you and I can feel that tension again, that feeling of being hollow and empty. I remember telling myself at least the deadness meant less pain, but it doesn't, does it?"

"No, it doesn't." he said.

"So I will never judge you and I will never give up on you. You could ask Sam to come here, but I suspect he won't. He really doesn't want to talk to me."

"He talked to Mom. She thinks she has the situation under control."

"Interesting. So he was able to talk to her?"

"Or bamboozle her. She doesn't know him like I do."

"Nobody does or ever will." said Sarah, "But your mother is an intelligent woman."

"True. See what I mean? Paranoid. I just hate knowing he's in trouble and can't talk to me about it. Or won't, because he thinks I'm too weak. I'm not too weak. Sam needs me, I'm there, whatever else is happening."

"Yes, I know that and so does he." she said.

He called Sam. As soon as Sam answered, he said, "Hey, Sam, is everything okay?"

"Everything's fine." said Sam, "Cas was a little troubled earlier, but he's okay now. He and Jules had a sleepover last night."

"Finally!" said Dean.

"No, Dean, it's not what you think. In fact, it's as far from what you think as it's possible to be. They had a sleepover and it was about as innocent as if they were two nine year old girls."

"What is wrong with him?" said Dean, "I mean, he and April within a few hours and he and Jules wait weeks?"

"Ever consider that maybe it's because of what happened with April? He's also thinking about Meg a lot."

"Meg's dead."

"We've all been dead."

"Meg's dead and in the Empty." said Dean.

"Yeah. Cas just got out of the Empty. He knows it's possible."

"Is he planning to ... "

"No, I don't think so. He's just got a head full of possible future issues and Meg's return is one of them. He's always looked to the big, eternal picture."

"Does he love Meg?" said Dean, "I mean, we saw the kiss, but apart from that, they never seemed that close."

"I think she definitely loved him, On his side, I don't know. I don't think he does. He's also worried what Heaven will think about him getting involved with a human."

"Who cares?" said Dean, "Heaven has no say in this. If they wanted his obedience, they should have treated him better."

"That's pretty much what I said." said Sam.

"Is he okay now?"

"I think so. I advised him to talk to Jules, especially about the Meg thing. Honesty makes sense."

"Good. Call me if he needs me. Or if anyone needs me."

"Dean, how are you doing?"

"I'm okay. Just need to know what to tell Sarah when she asks why you're avoiding me."

"Tell her I'm not." said Sam.

"Yeah, thing is, we've got this honesty thing going and I don't wanna lie like that."

"I'm really not." said Sam.

"Maybe you should swing by later, then, just to show her she's imagining it. Hey, here's an idea! You could bring the angel too. I think he and I need to talk about women."

"Do you need us there?" said Sam.

"Sarah needs to see you, Cas needs my advice."

"Dean, do you need us?"

"No, not if it's a problem." said Dean.

"So that's a yes."

"No." he said, "I'm okay. Forget it."

"What happened to honesty?" said Sam.

"Yeah, because you're being so honest with me." said Dean.

"Do you want us there or not?" said Sam.

"I have no right to drag you away from ... "

"Yes or no?" said Sam.

"Sam ... "

"It's one syllable, either way. You can do it."

Dean thought about it. He didn't want them scurrying around trying to look after him. He didn't want witnesses if he fell apart. He didn't want them to see him as weak and dependent and scared. He was going to say no right up to the moment when "Yeah." came out of his mouth. "Come tonight." he said.

"Not right away?" said Sam.

"Tonight." said Dean again.

"Okay. We'll be there around six."

"Thanks." said Dean, not missing the fact that the chosen time was the earliest that could be considered tonight. "Sammy, I ... "

"Yeah, it's fine." said Sam, "I'll see you tonight."


	32. Chapter 32

Cas went to the archives wearing his coat and with his phone in the pocket. Jules was sitting at a desk, reading an old ledger.

She looked up and smiled. "How's Dean?"

"I don't know. It seems too early to call and I don't want him to think I'm checking up on him."

"Why not?" she said, "Isn't that what friends do?"

"Dean has some issues with friendly concern. Since the mind curse, even more issues. Boundaries are more important than they have ever been. He grabbed a chair and sat opposite her. "Jules, I need to talk to you."

"You can always talk to me." she said.

"It's about Meg."

"The demon you used to know?" she said.

"Yes. She died. Crowley killed her. Demons and angels go to the Empty when they die, so she's there, asleep forever." He hated the thought. The Empty had taken so many of his friends.

"Maybe we can get her out." said Jules.

"Yes, maybe." he said, "But that possibility raises a difficult issue. She and I ... "

"Were more than friends?" said Jules.

"No. What's more than friendship?"

"Love." she said.

"Oh. No, I never loved Meg. At least, I don't think so. There was something there, though. Meg could be disturbingly direct. She said things ... We both said things that could be interpreted as promises of future physical ... "

"Oh. So a demon you want to rescue had the hots for you and might think she has a claim on your body. Yes, that is a complication."

"Meg died for us. She didn't have to do that."

"Yes, I've heard the story from Sam." said Jules, "Don't worry, you don't need to explain to me why you want to save her if you can. So, if I can ever think of a way, I'll help you to rescue her and then, if necessary, she and I can fight over you later."

"Would you fight for me?" he said.

"I would." she said, "Thanks for telling me about Meg. I appreciate the honesty. Who knows? Maybe when we meet, she and I will bond over your hotness."

Her stared at the floor, wondering what he should say to that.

"Sorry." she said, "Have I made it awkward?"

"I'm not used to being thought hot." he said, "Most people think I'm a doof."

"I don't think they do." she said.

"Claire does. I think Dean does, a lot of the time."

"That's two people. Now, I'm no mathematician, but that falls a little short of a majority."

"Twice as many people as think I am hot." he said.

"Clearly, Meg thought you were hot."

"She may just have liked the idea of corrupting an angel." he admitted.

"Is that how it seems to you? That a physical relationship would be corrupting?"

"No." he said, "But one with a demon would."

"And you were still interested?" said Jules.

"Is that bad?" he said, "I know it's not great, but is it terrible? I was already fallen and she had fought for us and she was beautiful and wounded and I wanted to save her and that honest desire to help her led me to see her as something other than the abomination I was supposed to see. She had tried to kill John Winchester. She had killed a lot of people. I knew she was evil. In the end, though, she was just Meg to me."

"I'm the last person who would want to criticise you for caring about someone even though she's so far below you. I'm glad you see us down here."

"You're above me, always." he said.

"Was that what you needed to contemplate? Meg?"

"That was part of it." he said.

"Cas? Are you struggling with our relationship?" she asked.

"I struggle with everything. Don't take it personally." he said.

"You could talk to me about it. If you have doubts and fears and uncertainties, don't be afraid to say so."

"I have doubts about everything, including my doubts." he said, "I wish it could all be simple."

"And if you need me to back off and leave you alone for a while, I can do that."

"Is that what you want?" he said. He could hardly blame her. He had given her few reasons to stick around and wait for him to sort through his issues.

"No," she said, "But I want this to be easier for you. If you need space, I can give you space."

"Honestly, I don't know what I need." he said, "I don't know what to say or do. Maybe giving up would be kinder to you. How can I ever make you happy?"

"You did last night." she said.

He smiled. "Last night was incredible."


	33. Chapter 33

Dean was looking over Sarah's car. "How's it running?" he said.

"Haven't had a moment's trouble with it since you fixed it." she said.

He smiled. "Good. You need to call me if there is ever a problem with it, however small, however big. I'm not having you ripped off by some second-rate mechanic."

"That's kind of you." she said, "I'm grateful for everything you boys do for me."

"You do a lot more for us." he said, "When the others come tonight, you need to talk to Sam."

"Yes, I do. It's easy enough to arrange. You want to talk to Castiel, so take him over by the creek. He feels safe talking there, because he can't hear anything from the house, which makes him confident nobody here can hear him. That will give me a chance to talk to your brother. Of course, even if I can get him to tell me what's wrong, I may not be able to tell you."

"Understood." he said. He wanted to know what was wrong, but as long as Sarah knew, he felt she would help Sam with whatever it was. "I'd never ask you to break faith with any of them." he said.

"And I hope you know I will not break faith with you." she said.

"I trust you." he said.

"Come with me." she said, heading off towards a pasture to the right of the house. He followed her. She took him into the field and up to a mature tree. "Carl used to love climbing the burr oak." she said, running her hand down the rough bark. I used to climb it too, after he died, to feel close to him. Can't do it now. I feel bad asking, but if you could help me onto that first branch ... "

He lifted her easily and soon she was happily perched on the branch, one arm around the trunk. The branch was strong, so he climbed up to sit beside her.

"I've always loved trees." she said, "You'll think I'm silly, but this one always felt like a friend, watching over me."

"I'll never think you're silly." he said, "You're talking to a guy whose closest friend has often been a car."

"Also not silly." said Sarah, "My car is a good friend too. Trees seem constant, permanent, in a world that can be so changeable and so cruel.

He nodded in sympathy.

She looked at him. "How are you feeling, my dear? You must be tired."

"A little." he said, "I'll be fine. A few days without sleep won't kill me."

"So you don't intend to sleep tonight, either?" she said.

"I don't know." he said, "I just feel like I need to keep control."

"Because you feel you're losing control?"

"Hm. I feel like I'm losing my mind."

"You're as sane as I am." she said firmly.

"You're sitting in a tree." he said with a smile.

"Birds do it all the time." she said.

"That's why they're called cuckoo." he said.

"I could point out that you are also sitting in a tree."

"Well, we know I'm crazy."

She looked up into the tree. "How crazy?"

"Is that a challenge?" he said, "Because these branches look like they could take my weight for at least another six feet."

"Talk's cheap." she said.

"I mean, some of those upper branches look pretty sturdy."

"The storms we get here are wild and none have come down."

"I think I can get right to the top. That's my head, sticking out at the top, not sitting on those top branches, because those wouldn't take Jack's weight."

"Agreed." she said, "And if you do it, I'll give you my recipe for apple pie."

"Done." he said, shaking her hand.

The tree was easier to climb than a lot of the walls and fences he had scaled in the past, although it lacked the incentive of baying guard dogs in eager pursuit. However, the promise of her secret pie recipe proved an effective inspiration and he soon made it to the top. It was a great view and the knowledge that from there, he got the bigger picture gently drew his attention to the metaphorical one.

"Hey," he shouted down, "Did you get me climbing this tree for some sneaky, psychological reason?"

"Such as?"

"Is this how you lull me into a false sense of security?" he said, "So you can pounce on me later with the dark stuff?" He started to climb back down to her.

"No, my dear. You had fun climbing, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did." he said.

"This is how I teach you to live again. I told you from the start. Joy heals."

He joined her on the lowest branch. "Sorry if I misjudged you. So what's the plan later?"

"When I pounce on you with the dark stuff?" she said.

"I admit, I'm paranoid."

"You're tired." she said, "You've been tired for a very long time. It's a lot more than lack of sleep. It's exhaustion from enduring without hope for so long and from saving everyone but yourself."

"I have hope. I have some hope."

"For yourself?" she said.

He shrugged.

"I'm glad you asked the others to come here." she said.

"I'm not sure that was a good idea." he said.

"I think it was." she said.


	34. Chapter 34

Cas never understood why so many hunters considered the archives to be dull homework. He found everything interesting, from the scribbled, passive/aggressive notes in the margins of accounts and ledgers to the random ideas for dealing with monsters. Some of the latter were bizarre in their specificity and he wondered how anyone thought of them, or thought they could work. Someone had suggested killing a dragon with bullets made of ice. He and Jules had shared a quiet chuckle over a non-hunter's ignorance of the difficulty of using ice bullets in the field.

Partway through a stack of random notes, Jules took out her phone and sent a text. His own phone came to life. He read the message, "Job 41:12." His eyes met hers. It was a clear flirtation. "I will not conceal his parts, nor his power, nor his comely proportion." he said.

She smiled. Then she whispered, "Leviticus 19:34."

"'But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God.' One of my favourite passages."

"Mine too." she said, "Funny how the Winchesters have done that for both of us. I don't think of them as religious."

"No. One day, Dean will assault God. I'm sure of it."

"I'm not sure Dean would lose that fight." she said.

"I need a picture of you working on the archives." he said.

She let him take the picture. Then she said, "Cas, this isn't to remember me by when everything goes wrong, is it?" she said.

"Do I absolutely have to answer that?" he said.

"You just did." she said.

"The odds are against us. It would be foolish to take you for granted. It's not just that. If Heaven take away what I feel for you, I want some way to bring it back. They won't think to wipe the pictures on my phone."

"You've given this a lot of thought."

"Yes, I have." he said.

"Too much for it to be an unlikely risk."

"They've wiped my memories before. Naomi conditioned me to kill Dean."

"Why haven't we killed her yet?" she said, coming over to him. "Stand up." she said.

He obeyed.

She straightened the collar of his coat. "You're afraid of losing what you feel for me?"

He nodded.

"But you don't know what that is."

"No, but I know it feels good. I know it makes my life feel better and more important. I know that losing it would diminish me. Losing you would diminish me."

"Why don't you just break ties with Heaven?" she said.

"I can't. I exist to serve Heaven." he said.

"But in any choice between Heaven and the Winchesters, you pick Sam and Dean."

"Yes." he said, "It's hard to explain."

She took his hands. "No, it's not. Heaven programmed you for obedience. Heaven forces your compliance. You're trapped in an abusive relationship with Heaven. You need to find a way to break free."

"I don't think that's possible." he said.

"Maybe we'll find a way." she said, "But it's not just Meg I'm willing to fight for you. If Naomi comes near you, she'll meet some angel-killing bullets."

"Naomi is needed, for now." he said.

"Well done! You're starting to think in terms of potential change. I know that's not easy for an angel."

"A lot has changed in recent years." he said, "It's easier now to consider the possibility."

"There was always something different about you, wasn't there?"

"Naomi thinks I have always been defective."

"She thinks that because to her, stagnation is perfection. You're alive, Cas. You're able to adapt." She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him. "You're able to love." she said.

"I hope so." he said, before kissing her, holding her around the waist and breathing in the scents of jasmine and old books that mingled so appealingly around her.

"Hey!" said Sam from the doorway, "All these documents are pretty flammable, you know."

"Why didn't you knock?" said Cas.

"I didn't know you'd be kissing." said Sam, "Sorry. Next time, I'll knock."

Jules stepped back and already, Cas missed the proximity.

"Dean needs us at Sarah's place tonight." said Sam, "Just you and me, not Jack. But obviously, if you and Jules have plans, I can tell Dean that and he'll be fine with it."

"I'd never want to come between Cas and Dean." said Jules, "If he needs you, Cas, go to him."

"Thankyou." said Cas. He looked at Sam. "Is Jack okay with this?"

"He understands." said Sam, "The truth is, I don't think Dean is sure he wants us there, but I do think he needs us. He sounded pretty bad on the phone."

"You're going tonight?" said Jules.

"We'll be leaving here around 5:30." said Sam.

"Cas, I want you to find me and say goodbye, okay?"

"Of course I will." he said.

"Because you might be gone a few days."

"Would you call me, or at least text?" he said.

"Yes." she said, "And I'll get pictures of everyone. I'll send them to you."

"Why do you need pictures?" said Sam.

"Memories." said Cas.

Sam smiled. "We're not going anywhere, Cas."

"You of all people know that is a promise none of us can make." said Cas, "Now, be elsewhere. We're busy."

Sam grinned. "Yeah, you two carry on with your 'work' and I'll see you later."


	35. Chapter 35

Dean's shoulders felt heavy and his eyes kept wanting to close. He was drinking more of Sarah's strong coffee and he could feel his tired nerves clinging to the caffeine and trying to use it as fuel. Sarah's parlour was too comfortable and it was becoming a struggle not to fall asleep. Generally, a night with no sleep gave him a weird sort of high, whereas a night of broken sleep was exhausting, but he had been running on empty for a long time and he needed rest. He knew that by the time the other two arrived, he would be a wreck.

"You could go to bed for a few hours." said Sarah.

"I'm fine." he said, marvelling at how his mouth could still keep pushing out nonsense like that when his brain could scarcely think, "I should stay awake."

"Your decision." she said, "Let me distract you from your tiredness by asking you for three things that make you happy."

"The first two that spring to mind, I don't want to mention in front of a lady."

She smiled. "I love your sense of humour. I love that it never leaves you, even when things are rough. It's part of your strength, that and the stubbornness that makes you so determined to stay awake. It makes me very happy to know that there is a little core of positivity that constantly undermines the cynicism you try so hard to embrace."

"I don't think I understood any of that." he said, "Can you dumb it down to GED level?"

"I'm not dumbing anything down for you, Dean. You understand me just fine and I understand you. You're not willing to talk about things that make you happy. If I asked you what makes Sam happy ... "

"Books, health food and fantasy movies. Geek stuff."

"So what makes you happy?"

"Whisky, Def Leppard and driving fast on the open road."

"You're not even trying. Is it that hard to consider your own happiness? What about Castiel? What makes him happy?"

"I wish I knew." he said, "I have tried and tried to find out. Maybe it takes someone like Jules. Maybe she can make him happy, if he'll give her a chance. Why is he holding back?"

"He's always cautious." said Sarah, "His past mistakes haunt him. He's afraid of being hurt, but much more afraid of hurting her. But she seems able to wait until he feels able to commit."

"If he and Sam can find some form of lasting happiness, I won't need to look any further for mine." he said.

"There's nothing you want for yourself? Or is it that there is nothing you will allow yourself, because the torturer needs to be punished?"

"Maybe I don't believe I will be allowed to keep anything good and believe me, not having something is about a million times better than having it and then seeing it torn away. But then, I don't have to tell you that."

"I disagree. It's better to have loved and lost ... I don't wish I'd never had David and Carl in my life. I can live forever on my happy memories of them."

"I think that's the first time you've mentioned your husband by name." he said.

"Is it? I know Castiel knows his name. I worry that I bore him, talking about David."

"You never will. Castiel never gets bored. I mean, sometimes he talks to Sam ... by choice."

"Dean, don't be mean to your brother."

"No, Ma'am. I'll be good." He looked at the mug in his hands. "You never challenged what I said about never having been in love."

"No." she said.

"Because you believed me?"

"No." she said.

"Ah. Well, it's mostly true. There were two women I tried to love. I really tried. Cassie seemed like everything I wanted, so I told her what I did. I told her the truth."

"What happened?"

"She called me crazy and ended the relationship. I mean, I get it. It did sound pretty crazy, but I trusted her with the truth and she ... "

"She broke your heart." said Sarah.

"Maybe she just shook it into realising it wasn't made for love." he said, "I never repeated the mistake."

"But you said there were two women." she said.

"Okay, I repeated it once, but I didn't really believe that could work. I just believed I could make one of us believe in it, maybe both of us, for a while. It wasn't love, though I loved her and her kid. Lisa." He took a long drink of the coffee. "Sorry, I know I brought it up, but I don't think I can talk about this. Not my finest hour."

"It's good that you brought it up. I know it's easier to just cycle through all the old lies and convince everybody that all's well, especially when you feel so tired, but you're making a real effort not to do that and I appreciate it. It shows me how ready you are to move on from the old patterns. But if you need a break from all that, you can have a break."

"Thanks."

"For what it's worth, I don't believe for a second that you deceived Lisa more than you deceived yourself or that you used her in any way. If you were in a relationship with someone, I'm willing to bet she and her child were your top priorities."

"I tried to be what they needed. When I knew I was only putting them in danger, I asked Cas to wipe me from their memories." he said, "That was a monstrous thing to do to them and to Cas. You are allowed to hate me for that."

"Allowed, but not able." she said, "Sorry, kid, I still love you."


	36. Chapter 36

Sam went to the kitchen to fix himself some lunch and found Jack and Mary already eating something that seemed to involve a lot of baked beans.

"I could open a second can." said Mary.

"I'll just have sandwiches." said Sam.

"Will you be okay tonight?" said Jack, "Because Dean and Sarah will both ask things you don't want them to ask."

"I know and I'll lie to both of them for as long as I can." said Sam.

"How did Dean sound when you spoke to him?" asked Mary.

"Uncertain, unhappy, lost." said Sam. He turned to Jack and said, "You're sure you understand why we're not taking you?"

"This is hard enough for Dean," said Jack, "He doesn't need someone else worrying about him. Of course, I'll be worrying anyway, but he won't have to see me worry."

"Thanks, Jack." said Sam, "And try not to worry too much. It's a giant leap forward him just being there. Being willing to have Cas and me present is even better. I think this is all good. I just wish he wasn't so afraid."

"It's hard for me to imagine Dean being truly afraid of anything." said Jack.

"Show him a monster and he's fine. He can handle it. Emotional stuff, not so much. Of course, this would be a lot easier for everyone if there weren't any secrets between us, but we have a damn meerkat infestation of secrets."

"Compared to the other stuff you two have been through, this is nothing." said Mary, "Dean knows you. He'll know you only did this to protect him."

"Well, we'll see." said Sam.

"Are you taking Cas's car?" said Mary, "You can use mine, if you like."

"Cas would think I don't like his." said Sam, "We'll take the Pimpmobile."

"It's not a bad car." said Mary, "It's just a bit ... "

"Yeah, exactly." said Sam.

"A few of the hunters are saying Cas and Jules ... " she said.

"An innocent sleepover." said Sam.

"Should I set them straight?" she asked.

"No. Don't get involved. That's up to Cas and Jules. I actually think things are going pretty well there. I feel bad taking him away from her. I hope it's the right thing to do. It's not easy balancing the needs of both relationships. Dean needs him and I think Cas needs to help Dean, but if it screws things up between Cas and Jules ... "

"They're taking it slowly." said Mary, "So a night or two apart won't make any difference. It may even help Cas understand his feelings."

"Oh, I think he's clear on those now." said Sam, "I walked in on a kiss earlier and neither of them seemed to be in any doubt."

"Let me make you a sandwich." said Mary, "We have chicken and various greenery and I'm sure even I can stick all that between two pieces of bread." She got up and started to prepare it and he let her, glad of any chance to let her mother him.

He had almost finished eating his chicken salad sandwich when Jules came into the kitchen. "Sorry to interrupt." she said, "My seraphic assistant and I need some coffee."

"Should be some ready." said Mary, "Are you still sorting all those letters and things?"

"We are. We're finding some interesting things. For example, there's might be a coin here somewhere that allows communication with the dead."

"Cool!" said Jack.

"Unfortunately, we have no idea where. If we find it, we'll let you know." She looked at Sam, "Hey, Sam, I'm sorry if Cas seemed unwelcoming earlier. It's just ... "

"I should have knocked." he said, "It's fine. It's great. We've been waiting a very long time for Cas to learn to set some boundaries for himself. It seems he's finally doing that and we have you to thank. Are you sure you're okay with him going to Sarah's place?"

"Of course. I know Dean is important to him. I'll never try to make him choose between us. If Dean needs him, of course he needs to go. I'll text him some Bible verses or something."

"You're doing a Bible study?" said Jack.

"Yeah, we're doing a Bible study." said Jules.

"That's probably a lot more interesting than kissing." said Jack.

"And there speaks a young man who has never been kissed." said Mary.

"No, I haven't," said Jack, "But the amount of enjoyment to be derived from one set of lips touching another is surely fairly limited."

"If it's just the lips, yes." said Jules, "It's when one soul touches another that the good stuff starts."

"Castiel doesn't have a soul." said Jack.

"Well, whatever he has, it's a great kisser." said Jules.


	37. Chapter 37

At the farm, lunch was a bacon omelette. Sarah smiled at Dean as he ate his. "In the old days, the eggs would have been from the coop outside."

"It's looking a little battered now." he said. They had walked past it on their way back from the tree that morning. "Don't worry about that, though. I'll bet Bobby can either fix it or make a new one. We can soon get you some chickens."

"I would love to have chickens again." she said, "Have you ever had a pet, Dean?"

He thought for a moment and then said, "No, just Cas, really. I'm not fond of dogs and cats make me sneeze. Truth is, hunting isn't a lifestyle that works well with pets."

"No, I can see that." she said.

"When I was a kid, I always wanted a dog." he said, "And Mom said she'd think about it and then she died and we never got one."

"I thought you said you don't like dogs." she said.

"Yeah, I don't. I did then. I liked all kinds of stuff then that I don't like now."

"Stuff you don't let yourself like now?" she said.

"Is that bad, to stop liking the things you know you can't have? Or is that realistic and a good way to handle disappointment?"

"Is that what they'll put on your tombstone? I can see it now, 'Good with disappointment.'"

"I hope they'll put, 'To be continued.'" he said.

"I like that!" she said.

He grinned. "I thought you would. Not that I'll have a tombstone. It'll be a hunter's funeral for me. A fight, a pyre and a load of stubbled guys in flannel, pouring whisky down their throats. Wouldn't have it any other way."

"But not soon." she said.

"Hopefully not soon." he agreed.

"Are you feeling any better about Castiel and Sam coming later?" she said.

He shook his head. "I never should have asked. They have other things to deal with. I don't even know why I want them here."

"But you do want them?" she said.

"Seems a little stupid and selfish when I don't know why." he said.

"I know you would be there for them." she said, "With or without the details. Let them be there for you."

"Yeah. I think I have to. The lone wolf thing doesn't ever work. I just feel like I'm asking a lot."

"They don't seem to think so."

"I told them to come tonight. They're coming at six." he said, "That's before it even gets dark."

"I'm sure they'd come sooner if you'd let them." she said.

"I keep expecting Cas to call and say he can't make it, but of course, he won't. Even if he and Jules had a hot date planned, he'd give it up if he thought I needed him."

"Which you do."

"I always need them. So what are they supposed to do, drop everything the minute I need them to hold my hand?"

"You've been feeling helpless because Sam is shutting you out of whatever's bothering him. Don't you think he feels the same when you want to handle things alone?"

"You're talking a lot of sense." he said, "I hate when you do that."

"Then why are you still listening?" she said.

"I keep asking myself that."

"And what answer do you get?" she asked.

"I think you can help me and I think I need you to. Not for myself ... not mainly for myself. I want them to stop worrying about me."

"I'm not sure I can work miracles. They will always worry about you."

"Okay, I want them to stop feeling like they have to watch me all the time and protect me from myself. I want Cas to be able to spend time with Jules and not think about where I am and whether I'm okay. I want Sam to stop asking me how I am when it's obvious that he's barely holding it together. I want to be able to ... "

"To ... ?" she prompted.

"To talk to Mom and not have to remember what reassuring lie I'm supposed to be telling."

"That all sounds good to me." she said.

"Sometimes I feel like a weight chained to Cas's feet, You know what his purpose used to be? Watching over the world, protecting humanity. And what does he do now? Worries about me and guards my door."

"How many times have you saved humanity?" she said, "It seems to me that he's still doing the same job."


	38. Chapter 38

It was mid afternoon. "Come with me to the study." said Sarah, her voice shocking Dean into the realisation that he had almost fallen asleep in the parlour.

It was a surprise to Dean that Sarah had a study. It was a small room and was mostly taken up with a large desk and some bookcases, groaning under the weight of a lot of very academic looking books.

There was a laptop on the desk and of course, more of the framed photos that were scattered around the whole house. The big shock, though, was on the walls. Framed certificates, declaring her knowledge of counselling and psychology.

"You're very qualified." he said uneasily.

She shrugged. "Most of what I know was not gained academically, but I acquired knowledge in a lot of ways. I wanted to make a difference. You don't go out on a hunt unarmed, do you?"

"Sorry." he said, "I don't know why it bothers me. It shouldn't bother me."

"Is it, maybe, because talking to an old lady who happens to have experience of your issues is acceptable to you, the son of John Winchester, but seeking the help of a mental health professional is not?"

"How do you do that?" he said.

She smiled. "I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I'm not a professional and really never was. I just studied a little, a lifetime ago, so I could help people. Does that make it okay for you?"

"It's okay anyway." he said, "Forgive the stupid reactions of the inner idiot. The outer idiot just wants to get things fixed,"

"You have no inner or outer idiot," she said, "And it's fine to have some insecurities." She looked at the shelves. "There are books here about everything I used to do. There are plenty about trauma and guilt and the effects of torture and abuse. You are welcome to read any of them. They may help you to see that you're a victim, not a monster. They'll also help you to understand the process of healing the mind."

"I'm not a big reader." he said.

"Well, they're here if you want them. You're also welcome to use the laptop. The password is Castiel. There's a printer in the corner over there. It's mostly used for printing labels for jars of honey, but it works. What's mine is yours."

He smiled at her. "Bobby used to say that to us. You're very good to a worthless old hunter." he said.

"You're not old. If you were old, what would that make me? You're also not worthless. Ask Castiel. Hunter, I can't argue with."

"Hey, no false modesty. You argue with this hunter a lot."

"But you are a lot more than a hunter and always have been." she said.

"I am as close to a pure hunter as you can get. I have no life outside hunting and no desire for one. I accepted this life a long time ago and it's all I have and all I want."

"You're so like Castiel with his 'I am fallen.' speech. You are both far more than you can see."

"I do wonder sometimes what Dad would think if he saw me now. He was never a big fan of anything psychological. I worry that he'd see me as weak and if he knew about Hell and what happened there ... "

"Didn't he go to Hell for a time himself?" she said.

"Yeah, but he didn't give in."

"Dean, you held out for decades."

"Proving I could hold out." he said, "So why didn't I keep on holding out? Dad would be disappointed in me. I guess he always was."

"You're tired. The more tired you get, the more negative your feelings will be. I think your father would be very proud of you. I also think you should get some sleep."

"I know you do and you're probably right, but I feel like I need to stay awake."

"You're always so hard on yourself, always pushing yourself too far and blaming yourself for everything under the sun. I don't know anyone who has done as much good as you have and you still only see the bad, the mistakes."

"The bad is bad." he said, "Worse than the good is good, if that makes sense." He grinned. "Which it doesn't."

"You're a good man, Dean. I wish you could see it."

"So do I. It would be good, to see myself that way. I just can't."

"And poor Castiel will only see himself as the foolish angel who made terrible mistakes."

"Exactly. We need to help him move beyond that, even more so if that's what's keeping him from believing he has a right to be happy with Jules."

"You have a right to be happy too." said Sarah.

"Jules isn't my type." he said.

She looked mildly irritated. "You're tired. You always talk nonsense when you're tired."

"It's kind of you to pretend it's only then." he said.


	39. Chapter 39

Cas was in his room, looking through the pictures he was collecting on his phone. He had started taking pictures of everyone around the bunker and they all seemed happy to let him take them. He had none yet of Sam, Dean or Jack and was wary of asking for them. Sam already seemed troubled that he needed pictures.

Whenever he got to a picture of Jules, he spent some time in admiration of the beautiful eyes, the glowing skin, the lips that now always made him think of tender, lingering kisses.

They'd worked together a lot and he had always liked and admired her. Whatever his other feelings had been, he had buried them, because he had thought that Dean liked her. He had, after all, constantly told Cas how approachable she was and how attractive and Cas had always assumed that, once Dean expressed those feelings to Jules, she would instantly reciprocate them. Finding out that Dean had been trying to convince him to make a move had been a shock, but an even greater surprise had come when Jules had told him he was more her type than Dean was.

Once he had known that Dean would not be angry or hurt, he had allowed himself to consider those feelings he had refused to acknowledge, the way his fingers tingled when they made accidental contact with hers in handling the archived material or the way a room became less interesting to him when she left it.

In the eyes of everyone else, they probably had little in common. She was everything he wasn't, confident, easygoing, great with people. She was a skilled hunter, leading a small team and hoping to get a larger one. He was a better fighter than she was, but not close to her level as a hunter. He still found it strange that she was not more drawn to Dean than to an insecure angel whose skills were impressive, but terribly limited in scope.

Whenever he gave it any thought, he found their relationship implausible. He couldn't see why she would be attracted to him. Nevertheless, she was and he was very grateful. Even if it couldn't last, and he was fairly sure it couldn't, the feeling of mattering to her brought him immense happiness.

Implausible or not, temporary or not, it was real. It existed. A woman he greatly admired cared about him. Despite knowing him very well, she liked him. She chose to spend time with him and was pleased when he found reasons to spend time with her.

His thoughts were interrupted by a call from Sam. "Hello, Sam." he said.

"Are you ready to go?" said Sam.

"I just need to say goodbye to Jules."

"Okay, I'll be in the garage." said Sam.

Cas exchanged his green and white striped tie for blue and went to find Jules.

She was still in the archives. She looked up from her work and smiled. "Time to go?" she said.

"Yes." he said, "So I came to say goodbye."

She stood and went over to him. "I'm not jealous of Dean and I never will be. I know he's like a brother to you and I know you need to be there whenever he needs you. Stay as long as you need to and call me when you get a chance." She kissed him. "And if you want me to go there, let me know. I'd love to see the farm. It was always a dream of mine to live on a farm one day, before the world ended and plants stopped growing."

"We must arrange for you to see it." he said, "It's a beautiful place and the bees would like you."

"You changed your tie." she said.

"Yes." he said, "The other one is for signalling to you, not the world."

"I told Sam what it means." she said, looking guilty, "Was that wrong?"

"No. Sam is not the world." he said, "Besides, you can tell anyone anything you like. If I'd wanted anything to be secret, I would have told you." He looked at her smile and said, "Is it appropriate to hug?"

"Always." she said.

He hugged her and said, "Song of Solomon 6:10."

"Same book, 5:16." she said.

"Then kiss this most sweet mouth." he said, "And then I have to go. My brothers need me. I would not leave you for a lesser reason."

She kissed him again. "Proverbs 17:17." she said.

"Watch over Jack for me." he said.

"Of course." she said.

"If you need me, if Michael attacks or anything else happens, call or pray."

"I don't pray." she said, "None of us do. In our world, nobody wanted to attract the attention of angels."

"And you feel the same way when I'm the angel in question?" he said, trying not to sound as hurt as he felt.

"You don't understand." she said, "After years of cosmic warfare, I don't think I can make myself pray again. We had to kill off every impulse to pray. It's not you. It's the psycho angels we used to know in our world."

"I'm sorry." he said, "Of course that makes perfect sense. I forget sometimes, what my kind did to yours. I forget how vast the horrors Sam and Dean prevented here really were."

"Sam, Dean and Castiel." she said, "That's why I will never think of you as the same as those angels. You stood against Heaven and Hell for the sake of humanity."

"The Winchesters saved me and made it possible for me to be a small part of saving this world." he said.

"You were not a small part." she said, "Without you, they could not have saved it."

"They would have found a way. They always do."

"They always have you beside them." she said, "Now go and take care of your brother." She kissed him once more and then he turned away, his heart singing a song he didn't know.


	40. Chapter 40

"They're here." said Sarah, who had been looking out of the window for a while and kindly pretending to Dean that she didn't notice him doing the same thing.

He looked at the clock. "Six minutes early." he said.

She was already hurrying out to greet them and he followed. As soon as Sam was out of the car, she hugged him. "Thanks for coming." she said.

"I'm not avoiding you." Sam said.

"Not any more." she said. Cas was out of the car now too. "Hello, Castiel!" she said.

Cas came over and hugged her, then he turned to Dean. "How are you, Dean?" he said.

Dean resisted the urge to say he was fine and instead said, "A sleepover, Cas? Really?"

Cas smiled. "It was a great sleepover."

"Cas, for it to be an actual, real relationship, you have to at some point be intimate with her."

"We were very intimate last night. We talked a lot. I even know her preferred sandwich fillings. She hates tuna, loves salmon."

"That's not intimacy. That's catering." said Dean.

"You are far too invested in this." said Cas, "My relationship with Jules means more to you than it does to me."

"It's not like that." said Dean.

"It is starting to look a little like that." said Sam, "Don't worry about them. It's unconventional, but it's working. They're happy. That's all that counts, right?"

"Yeah, of course, I just ... Look, Cas and I need to talk. Cas, come with me to the creek. Sarah, Sam is all yours."

Cas went with him. "You still haven't said how you are." he said, halfway to the creek.

"Tired," said Dean, "Slowly approaching a level of stability."

"What does that mean?" said Cas.

Dean waited until they were at the creek, looking into the quickly flowing water before he said, "I've been having some weird delusions."

Cas looked troubled. "What kind of delusions?"

"I kept seeing fire and associating it with you. First it was fireballs, which you seemed ... not afraid of, but confused by. That made no sense. I thought maybe Michael was launching an assault on the bunker, but he wasn't. It was all in my mind."

Cas was frowning.

"It's okay, Cas. I'm now pretty sure what's real and what's not."

"What else happened?" said Cas.

"After that, I saw lava."

"Like liquid fire?"

"Does that mean something to you?" said Dean.

"Why would it?" said Cas, "I'm just trying to work out what it could mean."

"It means I am out of my mind."

"Well, very clearly, you're not." said Cas.

"And yesterday I had this Byrds song in my head, for hours."

"Birdsong like tweeting?"

"No, like Turn, Turn, Turn."

"Oh. To everything there is a season ... "

"Yeah. It was just weird and random, but maybe it meant something. Maybe my subconscious is trying to get through to me."

"I wish it luck." said Cas, "We've all headbutted that particular wall."

"Are you okay, Cas? You look worried."

"We're both worried about you, Dean. That's why we're here."

"Yeah and I'm grateful. It's good of you both to drop everything and come here to help me."

"You're important to us. We'll always be ready to drop everything."

"Speaking of what's important, what did you mean, that the Jules thing means more to me than to you?"

"Probably hyperbole." said Cas.

"I don't know what that is." said Dean.

"Google it."

"I don't mean to interfere. It's just that I want ... "

"Me to be happily settled with someone so it's okay when you throw away your life trying to kill Michael?"

"I just want you to be happy." said Dean, "There's no hidden agenda here."

"Well, it's certainly not well-hidden. In your mad rush to die for the world again, just remember that Michael is an angel problem."

"Michael is an everybody problem." said Dean.

"There's something I need to ask you." said Cas.

"Ask." said Dean.

"Do you think I'm depressed?"

"Do bears ... Yeah, you're depressed. You have been for a long time. It's a side effect of siding with us against Heaven. You went against your nature."

"No, my nature changed."

"Either way, it was hard and it left wounds. You're strong and you cope with it very well, but yeah, you're one unhappy angel and we need to fix that. Maybe Jules can fix that. If you're thinking of getting help, I know one hell of a therapist."

"I don't think I need help. I just need to know that the fears and forebodings I have are not rational. Then I can ignore them."

"Your fear that you will always screw up is irrational." said Dean, "Your fears about Jules are not rational either. You can have something great with her. You just need some courage."

"And a brain and a heart." said Cas.

"Don't talk like that. Don't ever talk like that. You need to believe in yourself. You need to tell yourself that you're worthy of her."

"I don't have your capacity for self-delusion."

"Sometimes I wonder why I like you so much."

"Sometimes, I do too." said Cas.


	41. Chapter 41

Sarah propelled Sam into the kitchen and said "A more patient person, or one with decades to live rather than years, would wait for you to be ready to come clean about what you're hiding."

"I'm not hiding anything." said Sam.

"Don't make me use the Mom glare." she said.

"I honestly have nothing to hide." he said, knowing she didn't believe it for a moment.

She didn't use the glare. Instead, she took his arm and said, "The main reason why I can't be patient is that this is hurting you more than any of us. You're tormented by the secret and you need to tell me."

"Okay, look, there's something, but I have good reasons for not telling you and you know I wouldn't say that if I didn't. When I don't need to keep the secret, I'll explain everything, but for now, I just can't."

"How much difference would it make if I told you that I already know the secret? And don't worry, neither Dean nor Cas can hear a thing where they are."

"I'll bite. What do you think it is?" he said, confident that she would be wrong.

"The talismans don't work." she said.

"When did you work that out?" he said, "And how?"

"Well, I didn't know for sure until you just said that, but it seemed likely, given which people you can talk to about it and which you can't. And Dean has been having unusual visions that suggest he is connected to an angel who is a little overwhelmed by feelings he isn't used to. Not quite sure how the Byrds factor into it, but the fire is fairly obvious."

"It wasn't to me." said Sam, "I thought that was unconnected to their mental link."

"Castiel finally admits to himself that he might be in love and you can't work out why he's sending out visions of fire? You may have been single too long, Sam."

"Fire for us tends to be less symbolic and more diabolical." said Sam.

"It's an unusual mistake for you." she said.

"Misreading the fire or lying to Dean?" he said.

"Keeping me out of it."

"I hate lying to Dean, always have. Over the years, I've done it a lot. Sometimes I had to, sometimes it was a mistake, but I did it and it hurt every time."

"That's why it was so foolish. You didn't want me to have to lie to him, so you were going to avoid me as much as possible, right when you needed a friend most."

"Yes." he said, "I would have been asking you to lie to him and to Cas."

"Never try to protect me at the expense of your own wellbeing and above all, don't cut yourself off from your brother and me at the same time. If you can't confide in him, you need me more, not less."

"So now that you know, what will you do?" he asked.

"Did the talismans ever work?"

"They work as long as those two believe they do. They're fake." he said.

"If the truth comes out, Dean won't like that."

"No. I think we can safely say he won't."

"If I'm going to convince those two to try to gain conscious control of their mental link, I need them to feel safe in doing so."

"Dean still believes in the talismans?" said Sam.

"Yes. I think we should keep it that way. If he asks me directly, I may have to tell him, but there's no reason why he should and I'm not going to tell him if I don't have to. Dean didn't sleep last night. He feels a need to be in control. Now would not be a good time to make him feel powerless and deceived."

"How bad is he?" said Sam.

Sarah smiled at him. "He's very tired and I want him to sleep tonight, but other than that, he's doing very well. Old patterns keep coming back, but he's starting to recognise and change them. He's getting a lot more positive about the possibility of change. He's in a very strong position and we need to keep him there."

"He seems a little obsessed with Cas's love life."

"He still thinks he'll die soon. Dean was never likely to change overnight. He wants you both to have something more than him to rely on."

"All three of them are pretty set on being the one to get killed by Michael." said Sam.

"It's ridiculous, isn't it?" she said.

"Completely." he agreed.

"Whereas you have coolly and sensibly decided it should be you."

"We need Jack, the half-archangel nephilim. We need Cas, the seraph. We need Dean, our leader and the best hunter who ever lived. I'm good at research. Jules may be better."

"Dean gave me almost the same speech." she said.

"I'm not looking to die. I never had Dean's enthusiasm for self-sacrifice. I hope we all live."

"Good. I like that plan. That's the one we're going with."

"I'm sorry I made you feel I was excluding you. I know how hurtful that can be." he said.

"I'm a tough old gal, Sam. I don't hurt easily. Watching you hurt yourself was far worse for me. I care about you boys. Seeing you all eaten up with guilt and Dean falling apart trying to figure out what was wrong, that hurt me. So let's not do that anymore."

He looked over towards the creek. Dean and Cas had not yet returned. They were still there somewhere, hidden by the trees. "What are they talking about?"

"I don't know. Everything but what they should be talking about." she said, "Now, I'm helping you keep your secret, so you can help me tonight. I want them to look at their mental link in a more positive way and neither of them will like that idea."

"I've tried to make them see it differently. Mostly, they just yell and retreat."

"I didn't say it would be easy." she said.


	42. Chapter 42

At the creek, Dean dropped a stone into the water and said, "Now that you and Jules are ... something, I hope you'll value your life a little more. I don't want to explain to her how I got you killed."

"There'a that Winchester ego again." said Cas, "Not everything happens because of you. If I die fighting Michael, I got myself killed."

"Let's think about this logically."

"Fine by me." said Cas.

"I'm human, Cas. No matter how careful I am or how many superfoods I liquidise and force down, at some point, it's gonna be sayonara. You're immortal. There is no reason for you to give up eternity to save a life that's doomed to end anyway."

"Except for that being the entire purpose of my existence: to protect humans."

"Heaven doesn't care about humans."

"Well, I still do." said Cas.

"I'm just saying it might be time for you to stop being Heaven's bitch."

"Maybe it's time you stopped considering your own life expendable. Haven't we seen, more than once, that the world needs you and Sam?"

"As I said, we're mortal. Sooner or later, the world will have to survive without us."

"Then let's make it later." said Cas, "Is a life really worth less because it's short? Because I strongly suggest you don't say that to Sarah."

"I give up. We'll talk about this another time." said Dean.

"Many other times, I suspect." said Cas. He looked at Dean, seemingly concerned. "A lot may happen before Michael comes to this world. Both our lives are at risk all the time."

"Not really a reason to throw either of them away." said Dean.

"No and let's agree that we won't." said Cas, "Unless we have to. Unless there is no other choice." The way he said it made Dean uneasy.

"You think you'll have no other choice." said Dean.

"I recognise the possibility."

"Jules loves you."

"Maybe I have no right to be with Jules, when I know my life is not my own." said Cas, "In the end, I will do what I have to do."

"For humanity?"

"Yes and for you and Sam and Jack. There's no point in arguing about it. It is no more my nature to protect my own life than it is yours. If a sacrifice must be made, each of us will want to be the one that makes it. Why waste the time we have in fighting over it?"

"I just want you to understand that you may be expendable to Heaven, but you never will be to us."

Cas smiled sadly. "I know that, Dean. I do know that. I love you too and I am equally against any foolish sacrifice on your part. You look tired."

"I am." said Dean, "And you, Sam and Jack all having no instinct for self-preservation doesn't help me to sleep. Lemmings don't make great pets."

"If it helps, I really don't want to throw my life away. What I have with Jules is special. It makes me want to stick around. I won't easily surrender my life."

"Good." said Dean, "So, this sleepover of yours ... "

"I know you think it's stupid. Maybe you and I just want different things from a relationship."

"For a start, I don't want a relationship." said Dean, "But can you call it a relationship when it involves just being in the same room?"

"She fell asleep in my arms, Dean. Maybe it wasn't torrid passion, but it wasn't nothing. I've never felt like that before. I never felt less alone. Laugh all you like, but she makes me happy."

"Who's laughing?" said Dean, "Okay, so you're not handling this the way I would, but it's working for you. I said I'd try not to interfere and I am trying, I'll keep trying, but I want this for you and I'm just concerned ... "

"That I'll screw it up, like I have everything else that ever mattered?" said Cas."

"That you'll let that kind of thinking take it from you. She slept in your arms, huh? That's actually kinda sweet."

"It was." said Cas.

"Is she okay about you coming here? Really okay?" said Dean.

"Yes, she is. She's very honest with me and she would tell me if there were a problem. She told me to be here as long as I need to. She understands that my brother needs me."

"About that. I don't know why I need you. I don't know what I expect you to do. I feel bad for bringing you here."

"Well, don't. You don't need to tell us what you need until you need it. Then tell us and we do it. And if it turns out you just need us to be here, that's fine too. The hardest thing has been knowing you were choosing to be alone in the dark times."

"I'm trying not to do that now." said Dean, "It's hard sometimes, convincing myself I'm not asking too much of both of you."

"Dean, after all you've done for me, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you."

"Except live."

"Except let you die. There's a difference."


	43. Chapter 43

Walking back to the farmhouse with Dean, Cas was deeply troubled. It was clear to him that Dean had, on at least three occasions, picked up his thoughts. Fiery visions had filled his mind twice when he was kissing Jules and it could not be coincidence that the song Turn, Turn, Turn referenced the verse of Ecclesiastes that Jules had quoted to him as they discussed their relationship. One or both talismans had stopped working.

He had wondered why Rhydian had made a talisman that worked on angels, now it seemed clear that he hadn't. Rhydian had been trying to make a talisman that stopped human psychics from sharing each other's thoughts and it had worked partially to prevent mental traffic between him and Dean. Sadly, his angelic mind seemed to be too strong for it.

That put a trip to Heaven back on the table. If there were no other way to fix the thing, he owed it to Dean to do the one thing he knew would end it, one way or another.

The question now was, should he tell Dean? Dean would want to know, but if he knew, he would also know that heavenly intervention would be necessary and he was strongly opposed to that idea and had threatened to kill all remaining angels if Cas considered it.

Dean seemed more positive than usual, bordering on hopeful. As they walked, he suddenly stopped, turned around to face Cas and said, "You should take Jules on a date!"

"I don't know anything about dating." said Cas.

"Yeah, well, time to learn. Take her out. Make her feel special. Women love that stuff!"

"Where would I take her?" said Cas.

"I don't know. Dinner. A movie, maybe. Then you get to sit side by side in the dark."

"We did that at the sleepover." said Cas, "And we watched a documentary about bees in Sam's room."

"Wow. You really are made for each other. Don't worry, we'll think of somewhere for you to take her."

"This is you not interfering?" said Cas.

"This is me trying not to interfere. I admit, I'm failing. Sorry."

"It's okay. It's nice that you care." said Cas. He looked into Dean's eyes and knew that Dean still needed to believe in the talisman around his neck. The decision was made. He would help Dean through the stuff he was dealing with and then he would decide whether there might be any other option than going to Heaven and asking them to kill the link, preferably without killing the defective angel.

They stopped at the hives, lit by a bright sunset. "I love this place." said Cas. He touched Jo's hive and whispered, "Sleep well, sisters." He glanced at Dean and said, "And tell this one he needs to get some sleep too."

Sarah came out of the house. "Sam and I have made supper. Come and eat. Castiel, I'd like you to eat with us tonight."

"Why?" said Cas.

"Family is important." she said.

He didn't understand, but he nodded. Humans had strange, deep needs, emotionally and he was not going to object to anything that gave his family peace. He and Dean washed their hands and joined Sam and Sarah at the table.

"Is everyone good?" said Dean, looking at Sam.

"I think, tonight, everyone is fine." said Sarah.

Sam nodded and started serving up pork cutlets to everybody.

Dean flashed a look at Sarah that Cas understood as a question and she nodded firmly. He decided that telling Sam that the talisman didn't work was only going to add to his other burdens. There was no point to that.

"It's always a pleasure to have you boys here." said Sarah, "I am so grateful to Castiel for bringing Dean and Sam into my life too."

"We're grateful that you let us in." said Dean.

"We are!" said Sam, "It feels like we finally have a home."

"Always." said Sarah, "I know you three have a lot on your minds and the battles ahead have no certain outcome. I want you to know, I believe in each of you. I have faith that you will win. I have faith that you will stand together and that nothing on Earth or beyond it can defeat the three of you united, much less the three of you united with Jack."

Opposite her, Dean said, "Thanks, Sarah. That means a lot. You give us hope. You give me hope. You don't realise how hard it is to live without hope until finally you get the smallest glimmer again and it's like a truck being lifted off you."

"It's good to know I've helped in some small way."

"Actually, you've helped in lots of big ways." said Cas, "Since the first time I wandered onto your land. you've been helping me."

"We love you, Sarah." said Sam.

"Good, because I have a big favour to ask and at least two out of the three of you won't like it."

"Which two?" said Dean.

"You and Castiel." she said, "The automatic response of both of you will be a refusal to even think about it. I want you to promise to consider it properly, with open minds and no assumptions, to talk about it and to be prepared to give it a chance."

"Fine." said Dean.

"Yes, of course." said Cas.

"I want you to take the talismans off and try to use and control the mind link."

They both answered at once, Dean saying, "Absolutely not!" and Cas saying, "Out of the question!"

"You'll never have conscious control if you don't try." she said.

Cas thought about it. If the talismans were working, there would be no need, but they were not and sooner or later, Dean would work that out and lose even the protection of his own belief. "Maybe Sarah's right." he said, "Maybe we should try."

"You know what that thing does to you, every single time." said Dean.

"Yes and I know what it does to you, so I wouldn't even consider it if I didn't think we had to do it." said Cas.

"All of Sarah's advice so far has been good." said Sam.

"Yes, I know." said Dean, "But you've never been a part of this, so you don't know what she's asking. I'm not doing it."

"Because of what it will do to Castiel?" said Sarah.

"No." said Dean and Cas heard Dean's voice in his head say, "Because of what hurting Cas does to me."

He glanced at Dean, worried that he might have noticed the connection. He hadn't. Quietly, he said, "Dean, I think we need to consider it."

"I've considered it. It's a dumb idea."

There was an awkward silence around the table for a while, then Sarah looked directly at Dean and said, "If you can get control ... "

"And what if I can't?" said Dean.

Cas heard a whisper in his mind, "All I ever do is fail."

He was careful to reply to what was spoken, not the part that wasn't. "You can, Dean. We can. We can do this together."

"I need to think." said Dean. He stood up. "Excuse me." he said, before going out into the dwindling light.

"Thankyou for giving it serious consideration." Sarah said to Cas.

"I think we have to." he said.


	44. Chapter 44

Dean walked around the farmhouse and out to where the Impala was parked. He considered going for a drive, but knew the sound of the engine would worry the others. He didn't want to do that. Walking out had probably not filled them with confidence that he was going to make the right decision.

What was the right decision? His tiredness could, in theory, be a good thing, dulling the sharper edges of his dark and twisted thoughts, shielding Cas from much of the toxic waste he carried around in his head. Or it could mean he had less ability to control that waste and that Cas was trapped in something very like a nightmare.

Then there was his need for the connection, a need he was working to kill. He knew enough about it to know that it would increase if he gave it a taste of what it wanted. He distrusted his own desires at the best of times and that was the most selfish, even cruel. He didn't think Cas could take much more of the link.

On the other hand, if Cas saw no other way of dealing with the link, he would one day go to Heaven and ask for help and however that ended, it was unlikely Castiel would return unharmed, if at all. Protecting Castiel by unleashing all that darkness on him seemed like a bad idea, but he was accustomed to doing something bad, even terrible, to try to prevent something worse.

He sat on the hood of the car and looked down the road. He wanted his dad or Bobby or Charlie. He wanted to talk to someone who could tell him what to do. It crossed his mind that three people he trusted completely were in the building behind him, but he already knew their advice and he admitted to himself that he would prefer something that didn't mean he had to go back into the house and risk that connection again. "This is stupid!" he said.

The darkness gathered around him and the last light faded from the sky. He didn't know how many nights he and his Baby had been like this, alone with something he didn't feel he could share with anyone without a 327 engine.

Behind him, he heard the farmhouse door open and close. He didn't turn. He knew his brother's footsteps when he heard them.

"Hey." said Sam, "You've been out here a while."

"Yeah." said Dean, standing up.

"Conflicted, or just scared?" said Sam.

There had been a time when Dean would have punched him for asking, but instead of rage, he felt only relief that his brother understood him so well. "Both, I think." he said.

"How can I help?" said Sam.

"I don't think you can." said Dean, hating the fact that he couldn't give Sam something more than that. He knew how those words would have hurt him, coming from Sam.

Sam nodded.

"You can go back in, if you want." said Dean, "I'm not about to run."

"I know." said Sam, "But it's pretty lonely out here."

Dean thought of a dozen lies to ease Sam's concern, but not one of them made it to his lips. "Yeah." he said at last.

"You're right, I can't know what this is like for you and Cas. I can't begin to imagine. That doesn't mean I don't see how hard this is for you. But I also know you can do it. There is nothing you can't do, Dean. You don't have to use it after you gain control of it, if you and Cas still hate it, but getting control of it would set you both free and mean you can ditch the bling."

"He's agreeing to do this for my sake." said Dean.

"Doing it would help both of you." said Sam.

"Have you ever made a list of everything we did to Cas? Since he met us, he's suffered. He hates the link."

"Dean, you tell people you hate it too."

"Trust me, his mind flinches from every contact with mine. Normal human stuff hurts him. What do you think this mess does to an angel?" he gestured to his head.

"Is there really a decision to be made here?" said Sam, "The only other option I'm seeing is Cas going to Naomi and asking her to block the link. She won't be gentle, Dean and killing him might be the easiest option for her."

"Yeah, you think that had slipped my mind?" said Dean.

"Sorry. Maybe I should go back in."

"Maybe we both should. I don't like this, but sooner or later, I guess we have to deal with it."

"Do you need some sleep first?" said Sam.

"No, I get sleep and I'll be strong enough to back out." said Dean, "Let's do this while I'm weak, dumb and easily pushed around."

Sam smiled. "You're never any of those things, especially the last."

"If Cas decides he can't do this, we don't try to change his mind." said Dean, "He suffers most. Has to be his decision."

"Cas is convinced you need to do this." said Sam.

"If at any point he changes his mind, it stops."

"If either of you changes your mind, it stops." said Sam.

"I've changed my mind thirty times in the past ten seconds." said Dean.

"Then we need to get in there and you need to tell Sarah you'll do it. You don't easily break your word."

"Except to you and Cas." said Dean.

"Then you'd better promise Sarah." said Sam. He put his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Come on. There's nobody here who doesn't love you."

"For now." said Dean, but he went back into the house with Sam, looked at Cas, then Sarah and said, "Okay, let's do this dumb, stupid thing, if Cas is still okay with it."

"Could we try being a little more positive about it?" said Sarah.

"That is him being positive." said Cas, "When he's negative, he breaks things."

"I'm positive this is a dumb idea." said Dean.


	45. Chapter 45

Sarah suggested Sam and Dean's room upstairs for the experiment. There were comfortable beds for Cas and Dean to lie on and chairs for Sam and Sarah. Dean was worried about Cas, whose face was unreadable.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked him, "And don't say yes just because you think I need you to do it."

"I'm sure." said Cas.

"Because we don't have to do this." said Dean.

"Just try." said Sarah, "Make yourselves comfortable."

Dean gave her a look, but he got onto his bed and settled himself. Over on Sam's bed, Cas looked like a sacrifice, laid out to be killed. Dean wished he didn't remember the last time they had tried to make use of the mind link here and he, in that terrible dream, had tortured Cas.

He was about to say they shouldn't do this, when Sarah said, "I want you to just use the link to convey one piece of information. Each give the other one phrase. If it's transmitted successfully, we will know you can both control the link to some degree. You should also try to alter the situation to something unthreatening and positive. Meet in a safe place."

"We'll be right here." said Sam, "And if either of you shows any sign of distress, we'll try to wake you. You should also be able to consciously break free if you need to."

"If you want to stay longer and talk more than you need to to convey the phrase, go ahead. The more time you spend using the link, the more control you will gain." said Sarah.

Dean took off his talisman and handed it to Sam. "Don't lose this." he said

"I won't." said Sam.

Cas gave his to Sam too. Sam put both into his pocket.

"How do we do this?" said Dean.

"Just close your eyes and let it happen." said Sam, "Good luck."

At first, there was just swirling fog for Dean and he thought it wasn't going to work. Then he heard Cas say, "Over here, Dean." He went towards the sound and found himself in a place he knew.

"Bobby's library?" he said to Cas, who was looking out of the window.

"One or both of us consider this a safe place." said Cas, "I'm not sure which of us created it, but it's acting as a buffer zone between our minds"

"That's good. So you're not getting any of my Hell stuff for now?"

"None so far." said Cas, "But I am getting how tired you are. I could put you to sleep here, if you like."

"You don't think that might worry them a little? Anyway, my dreams would be dangerous to you."

"There's the first strand of guilt. Dean, you need to push that thought away."

"Okay, tell me your phrase."

"I've thought of one you won't easily guess, Non omnis moriar."

"What does that mean? Moriar is die, right?"

"Look it up when we get out of here." said Cas, "What's your phrase?"

"Rhonda Hurley." said Dean.

Cas smiled. "Do I get more information?"

"You're a little young for that information." said Dean.

"Dean, I'm literally older than time."

"Yeah and still too young to hear about me and Rhonda Hurley."

"How do you feel?" said Cas.

"Trying not to, right now." said Dean, "You?"

"I'm okay." said Cas.

"I never wanted to reactivate the mind curse." said Dean. He heard himself say, "That isn't true." and quickly said, "Okay, that's not true, but I never wanted you to have to suffer it again."

"I've tried to stay out of your mind, to leave your thoughts alone. I hate that I just heard that one." said Cas, "I know how you hate the intrusion." Without him saying it, Dean heard clearly, "Don't hate me."

"Not gonna happen." said Dean, "Not ever gonna happen. Whatever happens here, it's all okay." The words rippled through the room, "I tortured you."

"Dean, no guilt." said Cas, "If we start setting off each other's guilt, this will become very painful, very fast."

"Let's talk about something else." said Dean, "I told Sarah we could ask some of the offworlders to do some farmwork in exchange for a place to stay. That way, she can get some chickens. Maybe even a few cows."

"Wonderful idea!" said Cas, "She really misses having them."

Dean picked up a silver flask. "Hey, whisky! To Bobby!" he took a swig and passed the flask to Cas.

"Bobby." said Cas, drinking some himself.

Dean walked around the room, enjoying the security and familiarity of Bobby's old house in Sioux Falls. Then he found something unfamiliar, a corridor with a long line of doors, all bolted and secured with large padlocks. "What's this?" he said.

Cas was at his side. "I think this is all the places we each hope the other will not go." he said.

"Okay, That's weird and metaphorical." said Dean. "Shall we talk about Jules?" Suddenly, three iron-studded wooden doors, one after the other, appeared in the middle of the corridor and slammed loudly shut. "I'm gonna take that as a no." said Dean.

"Sorry." said Cas.

"No, it's fine. That's private."

"We can talk about her out there," said Cas, "But in here ... "

"Too much risk of the subtext spelling itself out?" said Dean.

"Yes."

"But you do love her, Cas." Another door appeared and slammed shut. "Okay, received and understood. We are not discussing Jules."


	46. Chapter 46

Cas looked out of the window again. He looked as if he saw something there besides the fog that Dean could see.

"How much control do you think we have here?" said Dean.

"I suspect complete control, but it's what is conscious control and what isn't." said Cas.

"Come away from the window." said Dean, "The outside doesn't look too friendly."

"The Impala's out there." said Cas.

"What are you talking about?" said Dean, "It's just fog."

"And out in the fog, the lights of a car. You think I don't know that car by now?"

Dean joined him at the window. There, he could see the lights too and he also knew what car they belonged to. "Stay indoors. Do not go out there. Do not look out there,"

"Why not?" said Cas.

"Because if my Baby's out there, that's my mind and that place is toxic to you."

Cas peered out of the window again. "There's someone out there."

"Good. Out there is the best place for them. I mean it, Cas, leave it alone."

"It could be anyone." said Cas, "It could be a friend."

"In that sinister looking fog?"

"We are making this place between us. We are creating everything here."

"Yeah, with our subconscious mind. That means anything out there could be sick and wrong and bad and may just wanna tear our faces off."

"Or it could be someone we care about."

"Who's probably dead and whose appearance now would really screw us up. My vote is for closing the drapes and hiding in here."

Cas looked out again. "It looks like a child."

"Lots of things do." said Dean.

Cas was already at the door. "You stay here. I'll see who it is." He went out.

"Son of a bitch!" said Dean, following him out.

The car was parked outside a burning house. The child sat on the hood, staring at the house. Cas went to him and said, "What happened?"

"What happened is, Sarah and I talked about the night Mom died and now it's in my head again. Cas, leave it here."

"This is no place for a child. Let's get him into the library." said Cas. He lifted the young Dean, saying, "Come with me. My name is Castiel. I'm an angel. Do you know what an angel is?"

Little Dean nodded.

"Wait a minute," said Big Dean, "Where's Sam?"

"Sam isn't the one that needs us." said Cas.

"No. Don't take it into the house."

"It's not an it, it's you." said Cas, carrying the child into Bobby's house. When they were all back indoors, he said, "Go to the kitchen. Find something he'll eat."

"Cas, he's imaginary and so is the food."

"So was the whisky and you drank that happily enough." Cas put the child down on the couch. "Don't be afraid." he said, "We're friends."

"I'm not his frickin' friend." said Dean, "Nasty, creepy, little dream brat."

"Dean, he's you." said Cas again.

The child began to cry.

"Stop crying, kid!" said Dean, "No-one cares!"

"Dean!"

"What good do you think this is likely to do? He's not even real!"

"I know, but he's scared." said Cas, "Real or not, he's terrified and you're not helping."

"This is his life. He needs to man up and deal with it."

"He's four!"

"This is how his life is gonna be now. He needs to get used to it."

Cas looked at the frightened child and stroked his hair, then tenderly wiped away his tears. "Not this version. This one is imaginary. This one gets to cry and be comforted." He sat beside Little Dean and said, "It's okay, Don't listen to him. He's got issues, but he loves you really."

"No he doesn't." said Dean.

"You're safe here." Cas said to the child.

"Cas, stop it!" said Dean.

"What's wrong?" said Cas.

"Don't make any promises to that kid."

"Why not? He looks like he needs some promises."

"Go on then. Tell him you'll protect him and Sammy. Tell him you'll always be there for him and all he has to do is trust you and obey orders. Tell him the motel rooms and the nights on the road and never being allowed to trust anyone are all just temporary. Lie to him. Lie until he thinks you love him and then ditch him when he needs you most. Just don't expect me to back up your empty promises."

He went over to the child, crouched down to his level and said, "Because I care, I'll tell you the truth, kid. You're on your own and Sammy will die in your arms because you weren't strong enough to save him."

Little Dean fell into Castiel's arms, sobbing.

"Don't talk to him like that!" said Cas.

"I think I can talk to myself any way I like." said Dean. Even as he said it, he asked himself why he wanted to say such terrible things to this innocent child. "Why did you have to bring it in here?" he said to Cas.

"I could hardly leave you out there." said Cas, hugging his unhappy little charge. Little Dean clung to him, staring at Big Dean with large, tear-filled eyes.

"Let's get out of here." said Dean, "We've done what Sarah asked."

"Get him some food." said Cas.

"He doesn't want food. He wants his Mom. Or, failing that, he wants someone to give a crap about how he feels." said Dean. Just looking at his younger self made him feel sick.

"Dean, get him some food or you hold him and I'll get him some."

"Fine. I'll get him something, but he's not real. He's just something else for you to put before yourself."

"What are you talking about?"

He looked at Little Dean. "I'm getting you some food. Be good for Castiel." He went into the kitchen. The refrigerator was filled with food and he grabbed a plate of sandwiches and took them back to the library.

The child had stopped crying and was whispering to Cas. When he saw Big Dean, he froze.

"I'm you, stupid. I'm not gonna hurt you." said Dean, "Here's a chicken sandwich. You like chicken."

The child took one from the plate. "Thankyou." he said.

"What are you thanking me for? I've been a jerk since we met." He realised he was still being one. He looked at Cas. "If you wanna stay and nursemaid the kid, feel free. I need to get out of here."

"Stay." said Cas.

"I'm only making him worse." said Dean.

"Yes, but why? If this were any other child ... "

"It's not." said Dean.

"When you and Sarah discussed this, did you hate this child then?"

"He wasn't in front of me then."

"Whatever happened in your life, this child is innocent of it."

"He lived and Mom died." said Dean. He saw the look of pain in the eyes of his younger self. "Sorry, kid. I didn't say that to be cruel."

"You'll see your mother again." said Cas to the child, "She'll come back to life. Everything will be okay."

"Cas, when has anything in our lives been okay?"

Cas ignored him and hugged the child again. "I'll protect you. I'll watch over you."

The scared eyes looked at Big Dean again and he said, "That promise, you can trust. This angel, you can trust. Me, no, not for a second, but Castiel will always be your friend."

"Give him a hug." said Cas, "It'll help both of you."

"No. I'm good." said Dean and he walked away and sat in an armchair.

Cas rocked Little Dean, saying, "You'll be okay. We'll take care of you."

Big Dean closed his eyes and said, "Not my problem. Not your job."

"I don't care." said Cas, "I like him and he needs me."


	47. Chapter 47

Sam watched Dean's face and didn't miss the tension in his neck and shoulders. Now, a tear rolled down Dean's face and his lips moved, but what he said, if anything, was unclear.

"Maybe we should wake them." he said to Sarah.

"They're staying with the link a lot longer than I expected them to on a first attempt." she said.

"Dean is crying." said Sam.

"Look at Castiel." she said.

He turned to look. Cas was smiling. He seemed to be completely at peace.

"Not all tears are bad." she said, "And maybe Dean can express things in there that he can't out here."

"I wish I could be there with him. I wish we could know what's happening."

"Maybe, next time, we can ask Castiel to help us with that, but I was in Dean's dreams once and I'm not sure my presence helped."

"Do you think they can hear us?" he said.

"I don't know. Probably best not to say anything here you wouldn't say to their faces."

"I don't like them being alone in there." he said.

"They're not alone." she said.

"Without me."

"I think you're the reason Dean can do this. When you went out to him, I had a feeling it would help him decide to try. You're often his strength, Sam. You're often his hope. He told me so."

"He'd already decided. He was just summoning up the courage. I don't think I did a thing. I was just there."

"Like he was just there when you fought someone we won't name right now and threw him in the cage?"

He smiled his thanks for avoidance of the name. "I don't think the two can be compared."

"One day, I will make you see yourself as we see you. You're not a hero's baby brother, Sam. Well, you are, but not just that. You are a hero too and sometimes, you are your brother's hero."

"He's been mine all my life. Cas has been mine since we met. And now we all have you. Why are they spending so long in there? Maybe they're trapped."

"As long as Castiel seems calm, I'm going to trust his judgement." she said.

"Then I'm going to trust yours." said Sam, "I know mine is not reliable where they're concerned. I know they can take control of the link. They're the two strongest minds I know. I can be overprotective. They've both suffered so much and I wish they didn't have to risk any more pain."

"I know." she said, "I feel the same way. I'd protect you all if I could, but they need control over the link, If they can accept the link, it can be a good thing. It seems a hopeful sign that neither has run from it yet."

Sam looked at Dean. He still looked tense. "Sometimes, I wonder how many more battles he can fight, how many more times he can throw himself into the fire. He's tired. He's tired to his soul. He'll keep on doing it. He'll never give up until there is nothing of him left."

She moved her chair over to the space beside his. "We all need hope. It can help us go beyond our strength." she said.

"He can run a long time on no hope at all. He's incredible."

"So is his brother." she said, "But as I said, we all need hope, so here's some for you. Your brother is beginning to believe things can change. He's starting to see that his life still has room for joy. He's even learning to see himself a little more kindly, but that's going to take time. He has a lot invested in that negative self-image of his."

"Yeah, that's been the work of a lifetime. If he's starting to question it, even a little, you've worked a miracle."

"The victory is all Dean's. every step of the way." she said, "But I'll keep doing all I can to encourage and support him."

"Thanks, Sarah." said Sam, "I know you're the best person to help him through this."

"And Castiel and Jack and you. I think I should make us some tea. We may be here for a while."


	48. Chapter 48

Dean was tired of watching Cas fussing over the child. He stood. "I'm going out."

"Into that? I thought you said it was toxic."

"To you." said Dean, "To me, it's home."

"There could be worse things out there than this little fella."

"There is nothing worse than him." said Dean, "Well, only me."

"Don't say that." said Cas.

"Why is he angry with me?" said the child to Cas.

"It's not you," said Cas, "It's all the bad, messed up stuff in his head. He's just confused and in pain and he lashes out at all of us, but he doesn't mean it."

"The hell he doesn't." said Dean, "Can I get you anything from the Nightmare Kingdom?"

"Please, stay here." said Cas, "We're supposed to be taking control of the link."

Dean pointed at his younger self. "That is not the link!"

"He's part of it. Everything here is." said Cas, "One of us brought him here."

"And then one of us brought him in from out there and I told you not to."

Unexpectedly, the child moved away from Cas and got off the couch. He went towards Dean and said, "Why are you so mean? Castiel is being kind!"

"Shut up, kid!" said Dean, "You know nothing!"

"Are you jealous? Because you don't need to be. Just because someone smaller needs to be looked after doesn't mean you stop being important."

"Shut up!" said Dean.

"Dean, don't yell at him." said Cas.

"That little demon is doing this on purpose."

"Doing what?" said Cas.

Dean opened the door. Fog swirled in. "Get out!" he said to the kid, "Go back to Hell."

Cas waved his arm and the door shut. "Leave him alone, Dean!"

"Why not? Everyone else did." said Dean bitterly.

"Then be angry with them, not with him. This child has done nothing wrong. This child is not to blame for anything you suffered or still suffer. He's innocent. He's just a scared kid who has lost everything." He knelt on the floor beside the child and said to him, "Nobody will hurt you here."

"He can't be hurt. He's not real." said Dean.

"It's okay." said Cas, "I'll keep you safe."

"He doesn't need or deserve your protection." said Dean.

"How can you hate him?" said Cas.

"How can you love him?"

"He's very easy to love. I think that's why he scares you so much. If you stopped hating him for a second, you'd love him and then you'd have to treat him a little better, wouldn't you?"

"He's just a frickin' illusion."

"Then being kind to him is no big deal." said Cas.

Little Dean looked up at him. There was a defiance in the child's eyes, a determination not to be afraid of him. In a few short years, that hint of defiance would become a tendency to brawl, a brittle sarcasm, a mask to hide weakness. Dean knew how much that child would buckle and break under the weight of that mask. He knew how hard every battle would be and how few of his wounds would ever receive more than a splash of alcohol and a few rough stitches. The deepest wounds, nobody would see, because that brave, stupid little kid in front of him would hide them from everyone.

"I'm here." said Cas, "I'll protect you." and Dean knew he was not speaking now to the child.

"Get him away from me." said Dean, "He creeps me out and I scare him. Take him somewhere else. There's an old trainset upstairs. He could play with that."

"You play with it." said the kid, "I'm staying here with Castiel."

"Why don't we all just sit on the floor and talk?" said Cas.

"No, why don't we not do that?" said Dean, "The kid just lost his Mom. You really want him to see what he turns into? It's cruel, Cas."

"If you're such a monster, why is it that you are afraid of him and he is not afraid of you?"

"He's plenty afraid." said Dean, "He's just pretending not to be."

"Why would he do that?" said Cas.

"What choice does he have?"

"He could be honest. I'd listen." said Cas.

"Yeah, I know you would, but he needs to be strong. His Dad can't be. Sammy's just a baby. He needs to be strong for them."

"What about him?" said Cas.

"There is no him. There can't be, Everything is them now, because if you don't love people enough, if you don't live only for them, they die and they die badly and you watch it happen. If he isn't the best son who ever lived, the most devoted brother, he'll lose Dad and he'll lose Sammy and then he'll be alone and there is nothing that scares him more." He felt a tear run down his face, then another.

Cas put his hand on the child's shoulder and Dean felt it on his own. "You will never be alone." he said.

The child watched him with sad, sympathetic eyes. Even in his own distress, Little Dean was affected by the sorrow of others. That too would bring him a lot of future trouble.

Dean crouched down. "Kid, I'm sorry." he said. Suddenly, the child rushed at him and hugged him and without a thought, he hugged back. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that." he said, "And I'm sorry I never made it any easier for you. You didn't deserve any of it."

"It's okay." said the child, "I still love you."

"How?" said Dean.

The child stepped back from the hug and, with a small, gentle hand, wiped the tears from the adult Dean's face. "It's okay." he said, "Angels are watching over you. Don't cry, darling. Don't be sad. I'll always love you." Dean heard his mother's intonation in his younger self's voice. It was too much. His sobbing came from the depths of his soul.

When he finally looked up, the child was gone and Cas was in front of him, his hand on Dean's shoulder. "I ... " Dean began.

Cas helped him stand up. "We should go back now." he said, "You need to rest."


	49. Chapter 49

Cas opened his eyes and sat up. He saw Sam turn to look at him.

"Are you okay?" said Sam.

Cas nodded. "I'm fine." he said, going to Dean's bedside. As he got there, Dean's eyes opened. "Dean?" he said.

Dean reached out his hand to Sam, "Talismans, now!"

Sam handed each of them a talisman. "How was it?" he said.

"It was okay." said Dean, fastening the chain around his neck, "I think we successfully kept control for a while."

"Next time, it should be easier to establish control." said Sarah.

"Yes, I think it will." said Dean.

"Did you each tell the other a phrase? Dean, what did Castiel say to you?"

"Castiel got creative. He gave me a Latin phrase, knowing I wouldn't understand it until I got out. Non omnis moriar."

Sarah smiled. "I like that, especially from him. I shall not wholly die."

Dean nodded. "I like that too."

Sarah turned to Cas. "Castiel, dear, what did Dean say to you?"

"Rhonda Hurley." said Cas.

"Rhonda Hurley?" said Sam, "What does that mean?"

Dean smiled. "It means something Cas could not have guessed."

"You were gone a long time." said Sam, standing up, "So, what else happened?"

"You wouldn't understand." said Dean.

"I think he'd understand completely." said Cas.

"Okay, you'd understand completely and I don't want to tell you."

"Fair enough." said Sam.

"I suggest nobody tells anybody anything tonight." said Sarah, "We can debrief tomorrow. Dean, thanks for having the courage to do that. Now, you're exhausted. I suggest you take a long soak in the bath ... "

"I don't really do baths."

"Too girly for you?"

"A little." he said.

"I highly recommend them for stress relief and for ensuring a good sleep."

"I'm not sure about sleeping." he said.

"Dean, you've shown you are in control of your own mind, so you can now relax. You are not insane or anything close to it. Now, I have no very masculine bubbles, but I do think you'll love the orchid-scented ones."

"He steals my orange blossom shampoo." said Sam.

"Take a long bath and then come here and sleep." said Sarah firmly.

"I think I should stay in here and watch over him." said Cas, sitting in the chair just vacated by Sam.

"I'm not likely to get any sleep with you sitting there on guard." said Dean.

"No, it's ridiculous for you to sit there all night." said Sam, "You take my bed, I can take yours for the night."

"Wait, what is this? I'm not a child." said Dean.

Cas looked at him and he looked away. They both knew there was a child in there and a deeply wounded one.

"Castiel is worried about you." said Sarah, "I think it would be best to let him stay close. After all, he gave up time with Jules to be here for you."

"Yeah, I know." said Dean.

"You go and have your bath." she said.

"I must really need one." he said.

"I really think it will help." she said.

"Look, you all need to know, I'm okay. Tell them, Cas."

"He is," said Cas, "But the whole thing was emotionally exhausting and he was tired before we started. He's doing well, mentally, but he needs a good rest."

"That's not exactly the support I was looking for." he said.

"Well, you know I don't get non-verbal cues, so if you wanted me to lie ... "

"I didn't want you to lie." said Dean.

"Good." said Sarah, "And he didn't. We acknowledge that you're in a good place mentally and everyone but you agrees you need rest. Indulge our concern. It's how we show love."

"Yeah, I know." said Dean. He looked at Sam. "Are you sure you're okay with taking Cas's room?"

"Yeah. I know he'll take care of you." said Sam.

"I guess I'll take a bath, then." said Dean.

"Take as long as you like." said Sarah, "You deserve some peace. What you did tonight, that was more than I asked."

He left to have his bath and Sam said to Cas, "How bad was it in there?"

"It actually wasn't." said Cas, "It was emotional, as I said, but in a good way, a very healing way. I didn't expect things to go as well as they did. I think Dean forgave himself a little. A small step forward, but a significant one."

"But you're worried enough to need to stay in here tonight?" said Sam.

Cas said nothing. He felt embarrassed to say how vulnerable he had felt and how his need to comfort the child that was Dean had angered the adult version and how that anger had been covering a lifetime of fear and guilt, a deep well of both that could not be cleaned out in such a short time and had now been exposed to the air. He couldn't say that he needed Dean as much as Dean needed him, maybe more. He couldn't tell Sam how the thought of being alone after such direct experience of such raw emotion from both of them filled him with dread.

Sam looked into his eyes and then smiled. "I get it. You've both been through a lot and I can't really understand any of it. You need each other. I'm just glad he has you, Cas."

"Thanks, Sam." said Cas, "Maybe tomorrow, we can talk about it. Right now, I just need to be sure he's okay."

"Yeah, of course." said Sam.


	50. Chapter 50

Cas spent some time thinking about the events at Bobby's, which was the most comfortable way of thinking of the strange space between their minds that they had created together. The most important thing was that Dean had not tried to push him away. Rather, he had tried to avoid any interaction with the child version of himself. Dean had seen the fog as almost a besieging force from his own mind. This time, there had been no indication that Dean hated the link with Cas.

In the same way, most of Dean's negative emotions had been kept at bay. Only the child and a small flash of guilt had come through. Cas was not sure which of them had brought the child into existence, but he suspected it was Dean.

Perhaps some part of Dean's mind had seen a chance to address a pain that had been buried for so long. All the grief and trauma that a loving child had hidden so it could not hurt his father or brother. That was the first time Dean had sacrificed himself for those he loved, the act so natural to him that he needed no concept of sacrifice to make it the obvious choice. His pain mattered to him less than theirs.

However the child's appearance in that bizarre place had not only helped Dean. From the moment he had seem the movement by the car, Cas had felt drawn to him. His vulnerability had summoned forth Cas's nurturing instincts, if an angel could be said to have instincts. Nothing had felt so right and so natural as holding the heartbroken child and soothing his distress, a privilege the grown version, with all his layers of armour, rarely granted him.

He had needed to show love and kindness to the child and he hoped that Dean had been able to accept a little of it for himself. It was, after all, safe, distant and deniable, all of Dean's favourite kinds of affection.

Best of all, of course, had been that moment when Dean had shown some kindness to himself. Adult Dean had finally stopped snapping at the kid and offered him some understanding and love and Little Dean had wiped away the tears of his older self, trying to comfort him with words he remembered from his mother.

It had been a beautiful thing to witness, a healing moment. Dean had rejected the easy path of anger and self-loathing and had been able to see the innocence and goodness of the child, of himself. In that brief, loving embrace, he had embraced a part of himself he had been rejecting for years, the part he saw as weak and needy. There had finally been some acceptance of the fact that he was human and had the same needs as everyone else Then that broken part of him that he had been trying to hide from had accepted him too, the hard-shelled BS merchant who repeatedly trampled his own heart for daring to feel.

Cas wondered which Dean would come back from the bathroom, the one who had hugged the child or the one who had said the boy needed to man up.

That had hurt Cas, seeing the hatred Dean aimed at the blameless child he had been. Dean, who had compassion for the base and corrupted, not letting himself feel anything but contempt for the one person he should have loved and understood. "Sammy will die in your arms." had been especially cruel.

The worst part had been knowing, without a whisper of doubt, that the scene he had witnessed was not a one-off reaction to the shock of seeing his former self, but part of an inner exchange that had been going on, unwitnessed, for decades.

The best part? That had been hearing the words, "I'm sorry, kid." from Dean's lips and seeing him hug the child he had been and had, until then, been afraid to even look at. Cas saw that moment as one of the most positive choices Dean had ever made and he was grateful to have seen it and shared in it.

His phone announced the arrival of a text and he read it. "Really missing your arms around me right now." it said. He smiled. Jules always seemed to say what he needed her to.

He sent back, "Acutely aware of your absence."

"How's it going?" she sent.

He replied, "Better than I dared hope." He thought for a second and then sent, "Forget Rhydian. Dead end."

"Why?" came the reply.

"I'll tell you later. Sleep well." he sent.

Dean came into the room. "Jules?" he said, gesturing to the phone in Cas's hand.

"Yes." said Cas.

"Please tell me you're not discussing sandwich fillings again."

Cas looked at the screen and smiled. The words, "I hope I dream of you." had just appeared.

"These things are important, Dean." he said, "Maybe our date will be a picnic."


	51. Chapter 51

Cas put his phone away and gave Dean his full attention. "You look a lot better." he said, "And you smell better."

"Yeah, orchids." said Dean, "I feel like an Asian bordello."

Cas smiled.

"Don't laugh at me, Cas. It was all that was available and it's better than the smell of sweat."

"I like it." said Cas.

Dean sniffed his arm. "It's okay, isn't it?" He sat on his bed. "Okay, Feathers, we need to talk."

Cas braced himself for complaints about him taking the child into the library or for agreeing to the experiment in the first place and thus making it harder for Dean to refuse.

"Are you wearing your talisman?" said Dean.

Cas pulled it out from under his shirt. "Of course."

"Good. I need to know you're okay, Cas. I know it was different this time, less crazy, less intense, but still, one part of my toxic swamp got through and I need to know how that affected you."

That was a huge question and Cas struggled to find a way to answer that wouldn't trouble Dean even more than the answer he was dreading, that Cas had been wounded by contact with Dean's darkness.

"Because I don't care what Sarah and Sam say," said Dean, "If you don't wanna do this again, we never do it again."

"There's no reason not to." said Cas, "It was a powerful experience, but not a negative one. It's true that your unfiltered thoughts and feelings can be strong and painful, but this time, we managed to build a safe place in which to meet them in a calm and controlled way. I think we can use that again. I think we should. Is it okay to talk about what happened with the child?"

"Yeah." said Dean, sounding wary.

"Good, because I think that was more than just a random bit of your chaos jumping in. I think your mind, which has been getting more comfortable with the idea of addressing some issues, brought that child from your psyche and allowed us to talk to him and show him some affection and support."

"You practically adopted him." said Dean.

"What can I say? He was a good kid."

"He liked you a lot." said Dean, "I saw it when he looked at you. He trusted you."

"I think it was the angel thing." said Cas, "He said he loved you."

"Kids that age, they love everyone." said Dean.

Cas nodded. "I thought you might head down that little blind alley. You know that kid, Dean. He doesn't love easily and once he loves, he doesn't stop. And somewhere in his heart, there's a place for you, even with all your faults and flaws."

"And he's me. And I love myself. Anyone who's talked to me for five minutes could tell you that."

Cas smiled. Dean's mouth was dutifully reciting the usual script, but in his eyes, a completely different one was in use. "You thought he'd run from you in disgust or terror, didn't you?" said Cas.

"Yeah, I did." said Dean.

"But he didn't."

"And you knew it was me from the start and you didn't either." said Dean, "You hugged him ... me."

"He ... you needed a hug." said Cas, "And I needed to hug him. I needed to offer him any comfort I could, because that little kid should never have been left to handle all the horror alone."

"Dad tried." said Dean.

"I know he did. He poured his heart and soul into protecting you boys, but he was broken and grieving and obsessed with revenge. He couldn't be the father you needed."

"The stuff I said ... " said Dean.

"If you're worried that I'll repeat it, don't be. What happened at Bobby's stays at Bobby's unless you decide different."

"But you remember it all?"

"Every word."

"I said a lot of stupid stuff."

"You were very honest, with yourself and with me." said Cas. His phone rang.

"Answer it." said Dean, "It might be Jules."

Cas looked at his phone. "It is." he said. "Hello, Jules." he said.

"Almost forgot," she said, "How's your knowledge of the Apochrypha?"

"Infinite." he said, "Infallible."

"1 Esdras 1:14." she said.

"Ah, a claim of dominion?" he said.

"What's she saying?" whispered Dean.

"It's a matter of scripture." said Cas, "You wouldn't be interested." To Jules, he said, "SOS 4:11."

"Oh." said Dean, "It's like that, is it?"

"You are not exactly a Biblical scholar." said Cas.

"No, but when you're 15, living in motel rooms and horny as Hell, you soon get to know all the dirty bits of the Bible."

Cas covered the phone with his hand. "Not dirty, erotic, beautiful."

"Cas, I'm not judging either of you. I'm just glad you're getting some roe deer action after all." He smiled. "Sorry, shutting up, not listening anymore." He lay on the bed and started playing Against The Wind on his phone.

Jules said, "Is he giving you a hard time?"

"He means well." said Cas.

"Same book, 2:6." she said.

He smiled. "Sounds perfect. I'll call you tomorrow. Sleep well." He put the phone away again.

"You two are crazy in love." said Dean, stopping his music.

"Probably." Cas admitted.

"What are you doing here with me when you could be with her?"

"You have to be my priority."

"Why?"

"You, Jack and Sam are my responsibility. Jules isn't."

"She's just the woman you love."

"Exactly. Duty first, always."

"Bullcrap." said Dean, "You think I need you more than she does."

"You don't?" said Cas.

"If you lose your chance with her because you're putting me first ... "

"Then she was never worth my time in the first place." said Cas, "If I am to be with anyone, they have to love you like I do. Or at least accept that when my brother needs me, I will do whatever he needs me to do."

"Why can you say you love me but not that you love her?"

"I don't know." said Cas.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No. We need to talk about the mindlink. It didn't hurt me. Did it hurt you? Because you were distressed at times."

"I won't say there was no pain. I don't believe you didn't feel any either. But it was pain around the kid."

"The kid was you."

"Okay, around the things he represented. Yeah, it hurt, but it's been hurting a long time. I just pretended to myself that I didn't feel it. Wow. I must be tired."

"You are, but I also think this is a choice, to be honest with both of us."

"Probably a stupid choice. Too much honesty can be very bad."

"You know it's not. Not this time. I won't ever use it against you."

"I might." said Dean. He smiled. "My mouth is no longer under my control, is it?"

"Or maybe it is, for the first time in years." said Cas.

"Let's talk about Bobby's." said Dean, "That was a very effective illusion."

"It was." said Cas.

"And if you're being honest, we both handled the mindlink a lot better when we were there."

"Perhaps because we could control what came in. Maybe we stopped being so afraid of it. I felt no undercurrent of terror, although you were afraid of the child."

"Yeah, different thing." said Dean, "Something else I noticed, the place felt solid, real ... "

"Coherent?"

"Exactly. No warps, rifts or chaotic edges. Even that hall of doors ... It was ordered. It was stable. Both of us made it, without conscious collaboration and yet your vision and mine merged into something that worked perfectly. Even on a subconscious level, we make a hell of a team."

"Yes, we do." said Cas.

Dean sat up and looked at him. "I mean it, Cas, I need to know for sure that you can handle it."

"All we need to do is keep going back to the same place. We meet at Bobby's, we let in what we want, when we want it. You know, we could even have a group therapy session including every age of Dean Winchester."

"Yeah. Let's not. Let's not even put that out there to give the subconscious ideas." said Dean, "Now, I guess I should sleep."

"Sarah's right. You have no reason not to."

"And you really want to waste your night to watch over me?"

"I watched over Jules for a night."

"Jules is a lot hotter than I am and I'm not about to snuggle up." said Dean.

"I can also zap you to sleep if you think you'll have trouble getting to sleep." said Cas.

"I don't think that's gonna be a problem." said Dean. He lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. "One last bit of honesty," he said, "I need you here. I can't explain it, probably won't repeat it, but right now, I want you to know that this whole by my side through the darkness thing ... It means a lot to me. And thanks for being kind to the kid when I couldn't."

"Thanks for giving me the opportunity." said Cas.

"I did everything I could to stop you." said Dean.

"I think it was you that made the kid appear." said Cas.

"There was something in him, even that night, that was unbreakable." said Dean, "I saw it in his eyes tonight."

"I saw it too." said Cas, "And I see it still in yours."


	52. Chapter 52

At first, Dean's dreams were fragmentary, but harmless. There was a little bit of hunting with Sam, a memory of a drive with his mother, a cute scene where Cas and Jules were having a picnic beside a river.

Then, the familiar smell of a classroom. The cedar scent of pencil shavings, the earthy smell of teenage sweat, the mingling of deodorant and hairspray and the tobacco and regret on the egg-stained clothes of the teacher about to challenge him.

"Dean!" said Mr Quigley, "I think we need to talk about your attitude."

"What attitude?" said Dean.

"I know you think this devil may care, budget James Dean stuff will get you through life, but it won't. What might get you through life would be Pythagorus and Euclid."

"Yeah, every day, I need to measure triangles." said Dean, offended by the word "budget". A pretty girl smiled her approval and he smiled back.

"You think you're cute." said Mr Quigley.

"You wanna take a vote on that?" said Dean, playing to his audience.

Mr Quigley moved so he blocked Dean's view of the girl. Dean vaguely remembered that her name had been Kiera. Quigley loomed over him. "There are people in this school who will succeed in life, Dean and there are people who will fail."

"And then there are people who will fail so big they'll end up as a 47 year old divorced math teacher with egg on his tie and a son he sees every other weekend." said Dean, hearing a quiet ripple of nervous laughter from his fellow students.

Quigley ignored him, though his eyes showed that every barb had wounded him. "You, Dean Winchester, are choosing to fail. You're not incapable of understanding the work, you just choose not to do it."

"A week from now, I won't even be here." said Dean.

"Yeah, I know. You've got a messed up, ex-soldier father ,.. "

"Ex-marine." said Dean.

"You've got a tragic back story and a cool car and you think you're too good for our little school."

"Oh, I know I'm too good for your school." said Dean.

"Funny that your brother studies hard with all the same excuses you have not to."

"Good for Sammy. I'll bet his locker is covered with gold stars."

"He'll make something of himself." said Quigley.

"Yeah, well, maybe I don't wanna be what you're trying to make me."

"You're just a coward." said Quigley.

Suddenly, there were people gathered around the desk, not people from the remembered scene, but people he had failed.

"A hunter doesn't need to be academic. He just needs to do the job." said his father, but that was the last supportive thing any of the growing crowd said.

"You let Gadreel kill my son." said Linda Tran.

"Why didn't you protect me?" said Charlie.

"We were family!" said Ben, "But you ran away from us!"

"You chose all of this!" said Quigley, breaking free of the memory to hurl original accusations at him, "You chose to be a coward."

"You can't protect me." said Jack, "You can't protect any of us. When Michael comes, we'll all die. Castiel and Sam will die."

"No." said Dean.

Lucifer grinned at him. "Remind me, Dean, how many of the people you promised to protect are dead now? How many of them died in front of you?"

Dean tried to stand, but Quigley pushed him back into the seat. "You always choose the easiest way for you."

"Really?" said Dean, "Because none of it was ever easy for me."

"We deserved better." said Ellen.

"We died for nothing." said Jo.

"I'm sorry." said Dean, as he did in countless dreams.

"Fat lot of good sorry does." said Ellen.

"Dean, this isn't real." said Cas.

Dean looked around. Cas was standing at the back of the classroom. "It's real." said Dean, "I let them all down."

Cas walked over to him, each of the accusers dissipating as he touched them. Then he put his hand on Dean's shoulder and for a moment, Dean thought he too would disappear. It was an appealing prospect.

"This is a dream." said Cas firmly, "And you need to wake up. You've been through enough tonight."

"What happened to dreams being important?" said Dean.

"They are, but this one isn't. You're just torturing yourself with guilt."

"Or facing the consequences of all my mistakes." said Dean.

"You think any of those people blame you? You think any of them want you to suffer?"

"I blame me." said Dean.

"Believe me, I'm aware." said Cas.

"How are you here?" said Dean.

"Maybe part of your mind brought me in to argue with those parts that hate you."

"If you've taken off the talismans to come in here and ... "

"Dean!" said Cas's voice, somewhere out in the real world.

Dean woke. Cas was standing over his bed. The talisman still hung from his neck. Dean felt for his own and found it. "You were in my dream." he said.

"That's disturbing, given the way you were thrashing about. What was I doing to you?"

"Defending me." said Dean.

"Good." said Cas.

"For a moment, I thought ... "

"What?" said Cas.

"Doesn't matter. My head is a weird place."

"I have to concur." said Cas, "Now, I really think you should let me give you a dreamless sleep. You need rest. You do not need to put yourself through any more suffering." He raised his hand.

Dean caught his wrist. "Cas, this feels like something a coward would do."

"Only to someone who wants to see himself that way." said Cas, "It's just one night ... only a few hours now ... of actual rest."

"The bad stuff never goes away." said Dean, letting go of his wrist, "You're just delaying it."

"Delaying the bad stuff pretty much sums up my whole life." said Cas, "Just let me grant you a few hours of peace. You deserve that. I deserve that."

Dean nodded and the last thing he was aware of was a light touch on his forehead.


	53. Chapter 53

Soon after breakfast, they all gathered in the parlour. Cas and Dean took the couch, Sam and Sarah were on chairs. Sam noticed that Cas was still watching Dean, but he didn't seem overly worried and that was probably a good sign.

Sarah smiled at each of the three and said, "Before we start, Sam and I understand that last night's work with the link was very personal to both of you and that there may be things you don't want to tell us about. If so, we won't try to make you talk. Everything connected with the mindlink belongs to the two of you and we're here to help and to listen as and when you need us to."

"Thanks." said Dean, "I know neither of you would find it easy to quell your curiosity and that you're willing to do so for us is great. You don't have to, though. As far as I'm concerned, we can talk about it. Cas?"

"Same here." said Cas.

"Wonderful!" said Sarah, "So, what was it like? Were you able to make a safe, neutral space?"

"Yeah. Not sure how, probably best not to confuse ourselves trying to work out who did what," said Dean, "But we made a sort of replica of Bobby's place."

Sam smiled. "That's fantastic."

"Yeah, it really was. Just having that safe, familiar place took out a lot of the confusion and fear. Outside the window was a mess, all fog and weirdness. My mind, I'm guessing."

"Could have been a mixture of both." said Cas.

"Did you go out there?" said Sam.

"Not willingly." said Dean, "I told Cas not to go out there, but he saw something he just had to investigate."

"What was it?" said Sarah.

"Me." said Dean, "A version of me." He looked at Sam. "Me the night Mom died."

Sam couldn't take his eyes off Dean's face. Dean remembered that night, he did not. Dean had been haunted by it all his life. Sam could only imagine what state he had been in on the night itself.

Dean said nothing for a while. Eventually, Cas said, "Do you want me to tell them?"

"No, it's fine." said Dean. He looked at Sam again. "I didn't want the kid in the building, but Cas brought it ... him ... me in. The kid just kept crying and you know me and kids ... I'm terrible with kids."

"No, you're not." said Sam, "Kids love you."

"If you'd seen me with that one, you'd never use me as a babysitter. I was a jerk. I was a dick."

"You were afraid." said Cas, "It wasn't the child he was angry with ... "

"It was himself." said Sam, "You've never forgiven yourself for that night, Dean, even though you saved me from the fire. Even though Mom is no longer dead."

"I didn't know how much I hated that kid until he was in front of me."

"You didn't hate him." said Cas.

"Cas comforted him and defended him and I just said terrible things to him, like telling him his baby brother would die in his arms."

"And I suppose you neglected to mention that he'd sell his soul to get that brother back and spend forty years in Hell as a result."

"You think that would make him feel better?" said Dean.

"You don't need to tell us all that was said unless you want to." said Sarah, "But I'd like to know how it ended, if you feel able to tell me that."

"It ended weird. I just suddenly saw how unfair I was being to the kid. I said I was sorry and the kid hugged me." He glanced at Cas. "He was saying weird things. He was talking to me like Mom always did, telling me not to cry and that he'd always love me."

"You were crying?" said Sam, hearing his own voice crack.

"You would notice that part." said Dean.

Sam got up and went over to him. "It's nothing to be ashamed of." he said, "You're allowed to feel."

"I'm okay, Sammy." said Dean, "The kid suffered a lot more than I did."

"The kid was you." said Cas, "You suffered together." He smiled at Sam. "But it ended well, Sam. Dean finally found a little compassion for his younger self. It seemed a pretty massive breakthrough to me."

"Seems that way to me, too." said Sarah, "Well done, Dean."

"I think Cas did a lot more than I did. He wouldn't let me ignore the kid. He was so kind to him. He more or less shamed me into showing some humanity to it ... him."

"Yourself." said Cas.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Castiel," said Sarah, "How did it go for you?"

"There's no non-weird way of saying this." he said.

"We're fine with weird, my dear." said Sarah.

He looked at Dean, who nodded. "Having that child around, that little broken piece of Dean, that wasn't old enough to fake being fine and that wasn't hard enough to drive away any kindness on principle ... It felt good. I could hug him and reassure him and ... "

Dean silenced him with a hand on his shoulder.

"What?" said Cas.

"I'm sorry." said Dean.

"You want me to stop?" said Cas.

"I want you to stop feeling like I've been pushing you away for a decade." said Dean.

"Not all the time and not far away," said Cas, "But you have."

"I know I have." said Dean, "You saw how scared and lost that kid was."

"The kid let me comfort and support him." said Cas.

"A lot of progress has been made." said Sarah, "I suggest you all take a break and talk about other things and then you two try the link again later. Dean, don't feel bad about the past. Decide to make a better future and accept the message of last night, that you're no longer alone."

"And that you no longer have to sacrifice yourself for others." said Cas.

"And that Castiel loves you unconditionally." said Sarah.

"So do I." said Sam.

"All three of us, actually." said Sarah. She smiled at Cas. "And you, Castiel, now know how much he needs your love, although I suspect you always had some idea. You also know how much it helps you to be able to show your affection for him. Dean, I hope that you, having also seen that, will be a little less resistant to accepting kindness from both your brothers."

"I'll try." said Dean.

"And, of course, remember to be kind to yourself. That child needs your acceptance and love more than anything else."


	54. Chapter 54

Cas and Sarah had gone out to check on the bees and Sam sat down opposite Dean. "This isn't easy for me to say." he said.

"Try breaking the word up into smaller parts." said Dean. He smiled. "Sorry. Automatic."

"It's okay. I'd worry if you didn't say stuff like that. I worry." He watched Dean's face, hoping he was in the right frame of mind for this conversation.

"Sam, speak." said Dean.

"Well, first, a confession. I'm a little jealous of you and Cas. This profound bond of yours is now even more profound and I would give a lot to be able to have with either of you the incredible mind-sharing relationship you have with each other."

"Be careful what you wish for, Sammy. It's scary and it's weird and It makes you feel like a freak. When it's active, you have to constantly wonder whether you're crossing a line and when it's suppressed by the talismans .. I miss it, Sam. It terrifies me, sometimes."

"But last night ... "

"Yeah, last night it was different. I mean, I'm not saying meeting myself was fun, it never is, but things were good between Cas and me. We haven't worked together that closely ... ever. I'm not saying it's all bad. I just don't want you thinking you need the same thing. Truth is, you and I have been sharing thoughts for a long time, just not in some weird mind meld."

"I know. I don't resent Cas. I just wish I could be as close to both of you as either of you is to the other. I know you can say things to him you could never say to me."

"Mostly because he's an angel and you're someone I need to protect."

"That doesn't really work when I know you try to protect the angel too. It's fine. I understand how you feel about Cas and I'm honestly glad you have a friendship like that. I just wanted to explain why sometimes, I may seem a little unhappy with the whole mindlink thing. It's childish and it's stupid, but sometimes I feel like you two have your special, secret club and I don't meet the membership requirements."

"On the other hand, you'll never catch yourself being mean to a four year old version of yourself in a copy of Bobby's library." said Dean.

"I guess there is that." said Sam. He smiled. "I'm sorry. I hope I haven't said too much."

"Generally, we say too little." said Dean, "That's how we think the mindlink started, our minds needing to say stuff our mouths couldn't. I'm glad you told me how you feel. To be honest, I sometimes felt like you were bothered by the whole psychic thing and that I was turning into something weird."

"Your hang-up, not mine." said Sam.

"And I get it. Of course I do. If you were that close to anyone, I'd feel weird about it too. I'd worry that maybe you didn't need me so much and, weak and pathetic as it is, I'd find that really hard to deal with. So, how do I make it easier?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do I talk less about it around you or do I share it all, so you can feel included? Because I don't want this weird, crazy thing between me and Cas to become a rift between you and me."

Sam smiled. "I was telling you for information, not to seek solutions."

"I'm a problem solver. I always seek solutions."

"Yeah, you do." said Sam.

"And I'm serious, Sam. If you need me to handle this another way, I'm happy to do it. I may seem all wrapped up in the link stuff, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. If you need me to keep quiet about this stuff, that's it. I'm done talking about it."

"I don't want you to keep quiet about it. Talk to me, always. Fine, so I feel a little left out, but I'm so glad you got that hug from your younger self. It's good to see you finding a little compassion for youself."

"You're my brother. You'll always be important to me in ways no-one else ever can be." He smiled and said, "Okay. Let's stop there, before the panpipes and whale songs start playing."

"You're such a jerk." said Sam.

"Yeah, some things never change."


	55. Chapter 55

Cas listened to the sounds of the hives and let the simple complexity of their inhabitants soothe his mind. Sarah was checking for any problems, but he already knew that there were none to find. The bees were content and calm.

She needed to check for herself, though. It wasn't a lack of faith in him, more that she had to keep faith with them. Her daily checks were an act of devotion, a promise that she would not neglect their needs.

The name they danced for her did not translate well into any other language he knew, but it encapsulated their gratitude and love and trust and so many other things, wrapped around her identity like pollen on a flower.

They knew her from every other person they experienced in their travels. They knew her scent and the shape of her and the sounds she made as she went between the hives, telling them all her news and asking kindly questions which she knew they could not answer. They loved her as they loved the sun and the ultraviolet signs across their route.

Some years before, she had told him, "When I die, Castiel, you must tell the bees." It was tradition. They must be informed of every major event, that one, above all. Of course, she knew they would understand when he told them. He knew that too and he knew that they would be sorry to hear it.

"Did you come out here with me to talk to them or to talk to me?" said Sarah, "Either is fine, but if there's something you want to talk about, you know I'll listen."

"My thoughts are somewhat scattered." he said, "I'm not sure I will make much sense."

"Sometimes, I find those are the times I need to talk most." she said.

"The link did not go as I expected." he said.

"Was it different in a good way or a bad way?" she asked

"Good. Dean and I were almost of one mind. He neither feared nor resented my presence there. He feared and resented the child and maybe he had no anger to spare for me, but it felt as if he accepted my presence, even welcomed it. When I went out into what seemed to be his mind, he followed, not to prevent me, but to protect me."

"That's always been his primary motivation in everything concerning the link." she said.

"I knew that you thought so." said Cas, "It still feels good to know for sure."

"Yes, it must."

"Last night, he had a bad dream."

"I suspect he rarely spends a night without one." she said.

"Sarah, I have to tell you, but don't tell Dean. The talismans don't work on angels. I saw his dream. It was half memory, half insane self-loathing and he was tormenting himself with guilt. I had no choice but to intervene."

"So he knows that the talismans don't work?" she said.

"He thinks my intervention was part of the dream. I let him think it. Is that wrong and manipulative and unfair?"

"You put a lot of faith in my moral compass." she said.

"Mine is unreliable."

"During the mindlink experiment, I think you were very honest with each other."

"Yes, we were." he said.

"So you only allowed him to deceive himself to protect him from the knowledge that right now, he needs not to know."

"Don't tell Sam either. He really thinks he fixed the problem."

"Sam knows." she said.

"Sam knows? How does Sam know? Does that mean you knew and didn't tell me?"

"Don't be angry, my dear. Sam invented the talismans so that you and Dean would feel safe and think you controlled the link, which would mean you could come to control it, as you both have."

"But I felt the power on the talismans. I felt real power and benevolence and love." He realised why it had felt celestial, but not, familiar, but strange. "Jack." he said.

"I suppose so." she said, "What they did, they did for love of you and Dean. Please forgive them."

"Nothing to forgive." he said, "They did what Winchesters do. They did something wrong to put something right. They risked Dean's anger and possibly everlasting hatred to protect us. They could find nothing to stop the link, so they gave us the power to stop it."

"That's a very mature view." she said approvingly.

"I think, after all the ages I have been around, I could be called a very mature angel." he said.

"I should tell Sam you're now aware." she said.

"Yes and tell him I salute his evil brilliance." He touched the nearest hive. "I named these queens for fallen comrades." he said.

"Yes. I think all of the ladies would be pleased."

"Too many of the women I have fought alongside are dead." he said.

"I know, my dear."

"I wasn't much good at protecting them." he said.

"I sense we're moving onto the subject of Jules."

"Dean asked why I can say I love him, but can't say I love her and Dean thought it was silly that we had a sleepover. I'm just not sure I have any right to even consider ... She's human, Sarah. She has one short life and I want her to waste a chunk of it on me."

"Let's forget all Dean's opinions on the matter. He knows as much about committed relationships as you know about sports."

"He knows more than I do." said Cas.

"Similarly, we need to ignore what springs from that inferiority complex you have."

"I don't think I have one of those." he said.

"Removing both, we are left with one true statement, that you want a relationship with her. Well, congratulations, you have one."

"Dean thinks I wasted an opportunity by suggesting a sleepover."

"What did Jules think of the sleepover?"

He found himself smiling. "She loved it. We both did. That night I felt peace, a peace I'd never known before. Nothing in my life ever felt so right."

"I love Dean with all my heart," she said, "But the only people whose opinion means a thing are you and Jules. There is nothing wrong with taking things slowly. Don't let anybody push you into rushing this. Your feelings are complicated and so, I suspect, are those of a survivor of a planetary Armageddon. You two must do things your way, at your pace."

"There is another issue around Jules." said Cas.

"What is it?"

"I am still an angel. She is a human. I was sent to protect them. I was created to protect them, not to fall in love with them."

"You don't think you would protect her if she needed you to?" said Sarah.

"Of course I would, but ... "

"But this is the first time in your life you have wanted something for yourself and acted on that desire?" she said.

"Yes, a dereliction of duty. It feels blasphemous." he said.

"Love is never that, Castiel." she said, "And, whether you can see it or not, you deserve love."


	56. Chapter 56

"Where's Cas?" said Dean, when Sarah came in alone.

"He wanted to call Jules and Jack." she said.

"Oh. Good." said he said.

"You might want to hold back on the advice there." she said, "You intend no harm, but he hears a lot of it as criticism and he doesn't need anyone else second guessing his every move."

"I know. I'm trying to stay out of it, but things are going so slowly." said Dean.

"I told you," said Sam, "Slow works for them."

"To him, it isn't slow. It's driving at speed to a cliff edge with no brakes." said Sarah, "And when you think about it, he's gone from believing she was interested in you to spending the night with her very quickly."

"I'm not sure it counts as spending the night if all you do is talk."

"Have you ever spent the night with a woman and just talked?" she said.

"Yeah, lots of times." he said.

"Excluding me and hunting trips?"

"The fact remains ... "

"Castiel has put more into this relationship than you know and yes, he is afraid and he feels unworthy, but he's trying anyway and I think he has a more authentic relationship with her and a more intimate one than you can imagine."

Dean nodded. "You're probably right."

Sam stood. "I should call Mom, make sure everything's okay at the bunker. I'll go upstairs."

When he'd gone, Dean said, "I know what's been bothering him now. He was feeling left out because of the mindlink."

"Maybe, when you get full control of it, you can extend it to include him."

"You think that's possible?"

"We think we know how it started. Maybe if Castiel and Sam share the same things you and Castiel shared ... "

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." said Dean, "It's not all downside, but Cas and I have both suffered a lot because of the mind curse ... link."

"Well, keep an open mind and see how things develop. I have to say, I'm impressed with how quickly you and Castiel have managed to get some control over the link. I think that base camp you have established will serve you well."

"What matters is how well we can keep control. All it takes is for one of us to be in a slightly off mood and the whole thing could collapse in on itself."

"That's why it's good to work on it here, where you can both be relaxed and calm and to do it at times when you both feel confident and secure."

That's one reason why I worry about Cas. Is he ever confident and secure? He asked if I thought he's depressed. I think he has been since he first started to question his orders."

"Yes. He struggles with so much that we can't really understand. I think that may be why he needed to start the link. You are his strength and courage. You're his guide in this terrifying new world of personal responsibility."

"My career counsellor never mentioned that as a possibility. In fact, I think teaching angels about responsibility is absolutely the last thing anyone would have expected me to be capable of."

"They didn't know you. Not many people have been allowed to. I feel very privileged that you let me see who you really are."

"I'm not sure I could stop you." he said.

"I think if you wanted to, you could." she said, "You're very good at keeping people out of your life. I hope you see letting me in as one of your better decisions."

He smiled. Sarah made him think about things he'd avoided for a long time and she brought hope into situations where it only complicated things, but in the short time he had known her, she had helped all the people he loved most and also him.

"Should I be worried about the hesitation?" she asked.

"You know that I don't regret it for a second." he said, "I just wish Castiel had introduced us sooner."

"Then you might not have been ready." she said, "It's been a long journey from that terrible night to the point where you feel able to change things."

"Sometimes, I still don't feel able." he said, "But something has to change and all evidence points to it being me that needs to. Your relentless belief in me makes me want to try."

"You've done a lot more than try." she said, "You, my dear, are awesome. You have achieved wonders."


	57. Chapter 57

Cas sat beside the creek, listening to all Jack's news from the bunker. Things were quiet, apparently and he had been at the firing range with Bobby, Jules coming occasionally to watch and offer advice.

Eventually, Jack said, "Jules is here and wants to talk to you."

"Put her on." said Cas, longing to hear her voice and hoping he would not come to his senses and tell her it had to be over. He was an angel, a servant of Heaven, with neither will nor desire beyond the service for which he was created. He could neither surrender his duty nor offer her the warm, human love she deserved.

"How are you?" she said.

"All's well here." he said, "I hear you have been looking after Jack."

"Did I make it too obvious?"

"Not to him. Thanks for taking care of him. Is he still there?"

"He's gone back to the range." she said, "He's a terrible shot so far."

"In a way, I'm glad." said Cas.

"Me too. Guns and innocence don't mix well." she said.

"I much prefer the angel blade." he said.

"You should teach me to use one." she said.

"Close quarters combat is dangerous." he said.

"Nothing we do is conspicuously safe." she said.

"If you want to learn. I'll ask Dean to teach you."

"Has something happened?" she said.

"Nothing that alters anything between us." he said.

"If it's the angel blade, forget I asked."

"You have every right to ask." he said.

"But the moment I did, you ... "

"No." said Cas, "It wasn't that."

"You're not saying much." she said, "This sudden silence is scaring me."

"There are currently forty three arguments in my mind, all of them insoluble and all of them terrifying and I can't talk to you about any of them, because they are not your burden to bear and I should be finding ways to make your dreams come true and give you all that you deserve. Instead, I am pinioned by my own stupid doubts and useless to you."

"Okay. Angel stuff. I get it. We're friends, right?"

"Of course."

"And you're not changing your mind about me?"

"If I could do that, most of the arguments would cease immediately." he said.

"Are you asking me to walk away to give you peace?"

"No." he said. He wanted to say more, but found it impossible.

"Good." she said, "Then we can deal with this together. You want clarity and obvious solutions and you're afraid because you can't find any. Angel stuff. You need to be certain what the right path is."

"Yes." said Cas, "Why are you wasting time on an angel?"

"Cas, stop thinking."

"I don't know how to do that." he said.

"When I look into your eyes, my heart skips a beat." she said.

"You should probably get that checked out." said Cas, "Cardiac arrhythmia is not necessarily dangerous, but can be an indication of a serious condition."

"Okay, I'm failing to distract you."

"You were lying about the arrhythmia?" he said.

"Do I need to come over there and kiss you?"

"Suddenly my thoughts are all the same thought." he said.

"A good thought?"

"Good and bad are shaky constructs right now." he said, "I think I would bring down Heaven to make you smile."

"Well, don't." she said, "But that sounds better than all that mental conflict."

"Feels better too." he said.

"So, when you need peace, just think about a kiss and if that stops working, call me and I'll be there within an hour to kiss you for real."

"The questions still exist." said Cas.

"We'll go through them all, in as much detail as you need to and we will find solutions." she said, "But for now, put them aside and just live in the moment."

"Impossible, since the moment ceases to exist before you are aware of it."

"I mean enjoy life now. Stop worrying about eternity and consequences."

"I am an angel. Eternal consequences are a fundamental consideration." he said.

"You have the most incredible eyes I have ever seen." she said.

"Although focusing on such matters now is becoming increasingly difficult." he said.

"Good. Your only job right now is to look after Dean and Sam. Stop getting stuck in angelic logic loops and senseless guilt trips and we'll untangle your beautiful head when we're together again."

"What if we can't?" he said.

"Then I'll conquer your doubts one kiss at a time." she said, "You're a true warrior, Cas and I would bet on you against any adversary but yourself, but when you fight that battle, you won't fight alone."


	58. Chapter 58

Dean went into the kitchen and looked out of the window. Sarah followed, suddenly appearing at his elbow. Cas was between the hives, surrounded by bees. "That's not a good sign, is it?" he said.

"When he has a lot on his mind, he finds they help him to order the chaos." she said.

"Should I go talk to him?"

"No." said Sarah, "After a little while with the girls, he'll feel better."

"What's wrong with Cas?" said Sam, joining them.

"Maybe we should call Jules." said Dean.

"Maybe we need to talk about healthy boundaries and personal space." said Sarah.

"We literally share each other's thoughts." said Dean, "There is no personal space without the talismans."

"Then respect his now." she said.

"What if his issues cause trouble with the mind curse?"

"The what?" said Sarah.

"Okay, at Bobby's."

"At some point, one of you will be there in a less than perfect state of mind." she said.

"That's a nice thought." said Dean.

"Sarcasm is unattractive." said Sarah.

"Not the way I do it." he said. He smiled at her.

"True."

"Quit flirting." said Sam.

"How's Mom?" said Dean.

"Mom's fine. The bunker's fine. Cas clearly isn't fine. How are you?"

Dean glanced at Sarah before answering. "I'm good. I'm great. I've stopped feeling like I'm on the brink of irreversible insanity. I can control the damn link. I can control my own mind."

Sam smiled. "That does sound pretty great."

"All thanks to you, Sarah." said Dean.

"Now, I told you before, you need to own your victories as readily as you admit your failings. You and Castiel are doing this. I'm just offering a safe haven and some unconditional support."

"Whatever you call it, without it, we couldn't do this." he said. He looked at Sam and said, "How are you, Sam? All good?"

"Yeah, seeing you this positive is very good for my mental health." said Sam, "Today, I feel great."

"You over-invest in me emotionally." said Dean, "Sarah has some books that explain that."

"I care about my brother." said Sam, "Not the same thing."

"I have books that explain that too." said Sarah.

"Cas is heading for the house." said Sam.

They waited for him to come in through the back door. Dean stopped himself saying any of the first five things that entered his head and instead went for, "How's Jules?"

"Jules is incredible." said Cas.

"So, everything's okay?"

"I think so, yes." said Cas. He looked at Sam. He seemed about to say something, then looked out of the window at the hives.

"Cas," said Dean, "Winchester Pact."

"Nothing to discuss." said Cas.

"Dean," said Sarah, "Boundaries."

"Okay." said Dean.

"Everything is under control." said Cas, "Honestly." he said to Dean.

"Good." said Dean, "And Jack's okay?"

"Jack's fine. He's with Bobby. Jules is keeping an eye on him."

"Then I suggest we have lunch and then later, we can meet at Bobby's again and see how far we can control our surroundings." said Dean.

"Good idea." said Cas.

"So, we're all fine with that." said Dean.

"Yes, of course." said Cas.

"It's a very good idea." said Sam, "But before you go back in there, maybe spend a while making sure you're both stress-free."

"Not really a thing for either of us." said Dean.

"No, I know, but just choose to be calm and relaxed, because there's a little bit of tension here now and inside your heads, it will be magnified and it will be a lot less regulated. I don't mean be Buddha. I mean be better."

"Better than Buddha?" said Dean.

"Better than you are generally." said Sam.

"My thoughts are always tightly regulated." said Cas.

"Good. Then it should be easy for you." said Sam.

"Any preference for lunch?" said Sarah.

Dean put his arm around her shoulder. "You do enough, Sarah. Let's have junk food today. I'm buying. Sam, look after Cas, Cas, look after Sam and both of you take care of my favourite. I'll be back with burgers very soon. Cas, are you eating?"

Cas glanced at Sarah and said, "No."

Dean shrugged and headed out to the Impala. When he was in the car, he looked at his phone. One short call to Jules might tell him everything. He was tempted, but he resisted. Sarah was right. He insisted on his privacy and he should respect Castiel's.

That didn't mean he couldn't worry, though, so he did. The bees might calm Cas, but they couldn't give him much useful advice. He had not found Cas's assurances very reassuring. Cas was thinking too much and saying too little.

He started the engine and smiled at his own overthinking. "This is the new, calm, relaxed, non-interventional Dean." he said to himself, "This is me being mature and respectful of other people's boundaries." As he drove away, he said, "Even when they are being very evasive."


	59. Chapter 59

As the sound of the Impala faded, Sarah said to Sam, "While he's gone, you need to know that Castiel is aware that the talismans never actually worked."

His heart sank. "I'm sorry, Cas." he said.

"Jack worked with you to fake them, didn't he?" said Cas.

"All blame attaches to me." said Sam.

"No blame attaches to either of you. Classic Sam Winchester move, to do something nobody else would imagine trying and somehow make it work. How did I not know the power I was sensing was Jack's?"

"Angels are a lot less cynical than humans. Don't feel bad about it. I was relying on your mental strength and your intelligence. If I could make you believe you could control the link, I was fairly sure you could do it. Same with Dean. Dean doesn't know yet, I assume. I don't have a mouthful of wall, so Dean can't know."

"I think Dean would understand that you did what you had to do." said Cas, "Whether he does or not, I do. Thanks for giving me a little time. I'm also glad I now know, because it convinced me to try to control the link and last night, my mind was opened to all kinds of possible benefits. Plus, he doesn't hate it nearly as much as I thought."

"So we just need to keep Dean trusting the talismans for a little longer." said Sarah.

"Welcome to Team Meerkat." said Sam.

"I don't think I understand that reference." said Cas.

"It's fine. You don't need to." said Sam. "I'm just relieved you don't hate me."

"No wonder you weren't talking to anyone." said Cas, "Which worried Dean, by the way."

"He's fine now." said Sarah, "He thinks the big secret was that you felt left out because of the mindlink."

"Does it ever seem to you that secrets make life much too complicated?" said Cas.

"All the time, but total honesty is often not a good move either." said Sam.

"We're all walking a high wire over thin ice." said Sarah, "We do our best. Now, Castiel, I know your mind is a little unsteady and if you're not feeling confident about going back to Bobby's, we need to tell Dean, but if you can do it, you should. It'll be good for both of you to get used to handling the link when there's some tension and difficulty."

Cas straightened his coat. "I am in control of my mind." he said.

"Good enough for me." said Sam.

"The truth is, I need the distraction." said Cas.

"That's less positive." said Sarah.

"I need to have control over the mindlink. Certain conflicts of carnal and celestial impulses of temporal and eternal import are rendering me helpless and I do not enjoy feeling helpless. In the safe space we have created between our minds, none of that conflict can enter. In fact, I think it resides behind bolted, padlocked doors there. That place is pure. There, I am clear-headed."

"That's a good point." said Sam, looking at Sarah's doubtful expression.

"I think we need to give Dean a heads up about this." she said.

"About what?" said Cas, "I just told you, there, the issues don't exist."

"I know you believe that, Castiel, but when you and Dean go into the link, voluntarily or not, you take all your emotional baggage with you. Dean needs to be ready for an ambush by any or all or your current issues."

"I don't think it's necessary, but you have never steered me wrong." said Cas.

"He doesn't need every detail, just to know that you have certain conflicts in your heart and mind."

"Do you three believe that my feelings for Jules render me weaker?" said Cas.

"No, we don't." said Sam.

"I think your desire to be a perfect angel and to avoid error and to do penance for your mistakes all make your life a lot harder." said Sarah, "What you feel for Jules is giving you strength to forge a new life for yourself."

"I don't want a new life." said Cas, "I don't want to cut all ties with Heaven. I don't want to be human. No offence to either of you, but it's not exactly a golden ticket."

"No, we get that." said Sam.

"My mother wanted a career at a time when careers were not considered compatible with life as a respectable wife and mother." said Sarah.

"I don't see the relevance." said Cas.

"She's saying you don't have to choose between Heaven and humanity." said Sam, "You can have it all. We'll find a way."

"I don't want there to be a hive with Jules written on it." said Cas.

"Of course not. That would be confusing." said Sam.

"He means he doesn't want her to die." said Sarah.

"Oh." said Sam.

"Loneliness is bearable. Every death hits harder. Every loss hurts more. Every time my action or inaction costs us someone we care about, the weight ... the stain becomes worse. If harm comes to her, because of me ... "

"Dean and I will protect her." said Sam.

"None of us has a perfect record on protecting people," said Cas, "And if Heaven should decide ... "

"Screw Heaven! We've got Jack." said Sam, "She needs and deserves our protection anyway, don't you think? Michael considers all of them ... all of us, his enemies. Whether she's with you or not, we'll stand by her. You're allowed to want love, Cas!"

"I'm not allowed to want a cup of espresso." said Cas, "No desires, no doubts."

"You're not allowed to stop apocalypses, yet you do." said Sam.

"Which is fortunate for all of us." said Sarah.

"I don't know who I am or what I am or where I am going or what I want to do." said Cas.

"Why don't you tell us when this stuff is in your head?" said Sam, "Winchester Pact, Cas!"

Cas smiled sadly at him. "Boundaries, Sam."


	60. Chapter 60

Dean got back with the burgers and put them on the kitchen table. He nudged Cas and said, "I got you this ice cream thing."

Cas took it. "Thankyou." he said. 

"Let's eat!" said Dean. He smiled at Sam. "How many burgers do you think we've eaten, over the years?"

"I think it's a lot." said Sam, "We have singlehandedly prevented a cow overpopulation problem."

Dean was aware, as they ate, that Sam and Sarah were exchanging uneasy glances and he was not surprised when, shortly after the meal, when they were all back in the parlour, Cas said, "Dean, there's something that you should know."

"Speak." said Dean. He looked at Sam and Sarah. "Somebody speak."

"Castiel is concerned that his current mental state could cause problems today." said Sarah.

"Slightly wonky walls at Bobby's problems or tidal wave of mental pain melts tiny human brain problems?" said Dean.

"The former, I hope." said Cas.

"Yeah, let's both hope that." said Dean, "You wanna elaborate?"

"There are some conflicts that keep breaking through into my thoughts, however much I try to bury them as you do. Obviously, if you want to call off this afternoon's experiment ... "

"If you don't wanna do it, we don't do it." said Dean firmly.

"We probably need to learn to use the link when everything isn't perfect." said Cas, "Because often, our lives are not perfect."

"Are you sure?"

"I've observed many such times over the past year alone." said Cas.

"I mean are you sure you want to go to Bobby's?" said Dean.

"I am a little afraid what may walk through the door, but yes, I am sure."

"Okay. Well, you spend an hour with your bee friends and we'll meet upstairs when you're done."

Cas nodded and went outside.

Sam watched him go and then said, "This could be a great opportunity."

"Yeah, or a total disaster." said Dean.

"Castiel is trying to keep his thoughts and feelings under control." said Sarah, "He's doing well, but it would do him good to express them to someone he trusts in a safe place. If you can hold that space for him, he might be able to make good use of it. It might be the next best thing to teaching him how to sleep."

"He has slept before. It should be possible." said Dean.

"Do you think you can do this?" said Sam.

"Yeah, I know I can." said Dean, "We'll be okay. These feelings he's been having, they're about Jules, right?"

"Partially," said Sarah, "But peripherally. His feelings for Jules are not the problem, they just brought up a lot of things about his self-worth, shame and regret. This is a lot more about him failing to be a good enough angel than it is about Jules."

"Self-worth, shame and regret?" said Dean, "I know the territory."

"Indeed you do." she said, "And that means it could be dangerous territory for you. You need to control the situation, because if his self-esteem issues spark off yours, you'll both be in a bad place. You need to stay focused and you need to help Castiel to focus."

"I think I can do that." he said.

"I know you can." she said, "Just to be clear, I'm not saying armour up and Dean Winchester your way through. I'm saying control the place you have made and keep it strong so that both of you can handle your emotions there."

"I understand." said Dean, "Regulation, not repression."

"And if it gets out of hand there," said Sam, "You both need to get out."

Dean nodded. "Don't worry. There's a degree of emotion that I just won't deal with and it's not as high as you'd think. It gets turbulent in there and I am closing down the experiment for the day." 

"If it works," said Sarah, "And you two find you can talk in there about the stuff you keep to yourselves out here, we may be moving on to a whole new level."

"I can't make any promises about that." he said.

"I'm not asking for any." she said.

"But I am cautiously optimistic." He saw Sam looking at him in surprise. "What?" he said.

"Things really have changed, haven't they?" said Sam.

Dean smiled. "I guess so. I think I'm in a better place than I have been for years, but now we need to look after the angel. He needs us."

"I know he does. I wish I could do this with you."

"You can. You are. Believe me, you don't wanna be in the mind curse with us."

"The mind what?" said Sarah sternly.

"It's just a word." said Dean.

"Words have power." she said.

"Okay, fine, the mind link. Bobby's."

"Are you sure you can handle Cas's stuff on top of your own?" said Sam.

"I told you, things are better for me now." said Dean.

"Maybe you should go upstairs now, take a nap until he comes in." said Sarah.

He was about to say he didn't need one, but decided not to argue. "Yeah, I think I will." he said.


	61. Chapter 61

An hour later, they stretched out on the beds once more. They had each given their talisman to Sarah, who sat between the beds, holding them. "You're sure you can take this?" said Dean to Cas.

"Yes. You?" said Cas.

"Yeah." said Dean.

"Be careful." said Sarah, "Be ready for things from either mind to ambush you. Stay in control and take care of each other."

"If everything stays safe, we'll try to change our surroundings a little." he said. He looked at Cas. "And if it doesn't ... If it gets too much for you, leave right away. Just get out and I'll follow."

"If one leaves early, the construct may not hold." said Cas.

"If it fails, I'll be in my own mind. It's not dangerous to me." said Dean.

Cas lay back and closed his eyes. Dean did the same. He heard Sam say, "Good luck."

Bobby's library looked the same as last time. Dean could see the relief on Cas's face. "Looks okay, doesn't it?" he said.

Cas nodded. "Yes, it looks fine."

"Let's start slow. I'll secure the perimeter." He focused for a moment on the walls and the door and window to the outside disappeared.

"You know that doesn't prevent anything from getting in, don't you?" said Cas.

"It stops either of us from bringing something in or going out there." said Dean.

"You mean me." said Cas.

"Yeah. We've got plenty going on in here. We don't need any kid versions of me coming in to stir things up."

"What's out there is only what's in here." said Cas.

"I know, but a lot of it is on lockdown in here. Out there, it's wild. It's loose." Dean saw a pile of books on the desk. "What are these? Were they here last night?"

Cas glanced at them, then took a step back. "Ignore them." he said. He looked pale, even ill.

Dean steered him to the couch. "Sit down. Breathe for a while."

"I'm fine." said Cas, but a whisper ran around the walls, "Broken, worthless, weak!" in Cas's voice.

"No, you're not." said Dean, "You need to focus."

"Traitor, liar, murderer, blasphemer!" said the voice that skirted the walls.

"Cas, you are none of those things." said Dean.

Cas lowered his head, sagging forward. 

Dean put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "It's okay, buddy. We just need to shut that bastard up. That is not you!" He closed his eyes for a moment and concentrated on the voice, forcing the whisper lower and lower until it was barely audible. Then he summoned music. He wasn't even sure how he did it, but Rock and Roll Never Forgets was suddenly blasting from the walls.

Slowly, Castiel raised his head.

"You okay?" said Dean.

"I'm fine." said Cas again, "That music is terrible."

"Yeah, well, I'm gonna let that go, because you're sick."

"I'm not sick." said Cas.

Dean looked at the books on the desk again. The top one was entitled "Promises Broken". Below it was, "The Disappointed" and then, "Order's Disobeyed". Dean sighed. "This your guilt pile?" The music dropped in volume.

"Okay, not looking at the books anymore. Let's talk about something else. Think of something that makes you feel good. Think of Jules."

A cry came from the walls, shouting, "Never!"

"Not Jules." said Dean, angry with himself for being so stupid, "Cas, we've struggled with this before, haven't we? There has to be one thing in your life that makes you truly happy."

Outside, he heard the sweet, familiar music of the Impala's engine and the sound of the driver's door opening and closing. "The kid again?" said Dean.

"You got rid of the door." said Cas.

"You really want that kid in here?"

"It's not him." said Cas, "It's you, bringing me ice cream because you didn't want to leave me out just because I didn't want a burger."

"Oh." said Dean.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" said Dean, "You know none of this is your fault."

"I know you hate this stuff. You want me to pretend I don't know what the ice cream is. You want me to shut up and stop making you something you don't want to be."

"And what don't I want to be?" said Dean.

"You don't want to be anyone's reason for living, least of all mine." said Cas.

Another book appeared on top of the pile, "Failing Dean."

"Stop that!" said Dean.

"I'm not doing it." said Cas.

"Yes you are!" said Dean. He picked up the book and threw it into the fire, where it crackled in the flames. The acrid smell of burning leather filled the room. "You never failed me, dumbass!"

"Dumbass!" shouted the walls.

"No, no, no!" said Dean, "You are not using my words against him!" But he had called Cas a dumbass and what shouted from the walls was the part Cas heard. He repeated the other part, "You never failed me!"

"I broke Sam's mind."

"You saved him from Hell."

"Leaving his soul behind." said Cas.

The music got louder as Dean took back control of the room. "Cas, you're my brother. You never failed me."

"Even you think I failed you. You have a list in your head as long as mine." said Cas.

"No, I don't." said Dean, knowing he had that kind of list for everyone in his life.

"Why lie?" said Cas.

"Because that's what you do when your best friend is in pain because he doesn't know that resentment and grudges and anger don't mean a thing about him." said Dean.

The music died and the walls began to chant, "Hester, Balthazar, Daniel, Hael, Samandriel, Rachel ... "

"Shut up!" said Dean.

"The list will go on for some time." said Cas, "It always does. It's a long list." The names got louder. 

Dean covered Cas's ears. "You can't listen to this crap!"

Cas looked at him with weary, pitying eyes. "Do you think it ever falls silent?"

"Stop listening to it!" said Dean, "Find something, anything, to distract you."

Loud music took over again, this time the 1812 Overture.

"That's good!" said Dean, uncovering Cas's ears, "That's great! Now, think about Sarah. Think about the bees."

Cas closed his eyes. He seemed a little more at peace after a moment or two. "Thankyou." he said, "That helped."

"Tell me about the bees." said Dean, "How is it that they can help you like that?"

"Bees have no doubt." said Cas, "They know their work and they do it. They are at peace with their purpose, as I was created to be. They find joy in it, as I used to do. Well, not joy as you experience it. Angelic joy is not as passionate and intense as human joy, but it lasts longer and ... " He put his head in his hands. "I tried for something more and each time, I destroyed what I had and I still haven't managed to learn the lesson."

"That you don't get to feel the good stuff, because you're just an angel?"

"Yes."

"That's not true. You feel more than any other angel ever did. You've grown beyond what you were."

"Then what am I now? Not human, not angel, nothing and no-one and everyone wishes I didn't exist."

"I don't." said Dean, "Nobody in the bunker does. Sarah doesn't."

"I don't exist, do I?" said Cas.

"Yes, you do." said Dean, "Of course you do."

"Then what am I?"

Dean gripped his shoulder firmly. "Look at me!" Cas looked up and Dean said, "You're Castiel. Still an angel, but so much more. More than human, too. You're the one who pulled me out of Hell. You're the one who always, always has my back. I don't deserve you. I can't deserve you. I'm everything you accuse yourself of and worse. You have no soul and mine is dark beyond redemption and somehow, together, we sorta seem to have some kind of soul that keeps a little glow of light and yeah, a reason for living."

"Sometimes I lie on my bed all night with one question echoing in my head. What am I?"

"You're Castiel." said Dean, "You're Cas. You're my salvation, my faith, my friend. The best friend I have."

"I never saved you. You saved me." said Cas.

"That's what friends do. They save each other, over and over. I also happen to be the reason you're so screwed in the head."

"No. That isn't true." said Cas.

"It is true. Embrace it. You're one of the friends Dean Winchester destroyed."

"No." said Cas.

"Well, you look pretty destroyed to me." said Dean, "But you're the friend I'm gonna fix. You're the one that matters most." He knew he was slipping into danger himself. He could feel the pressure of a lifetime of guilt trying to force its way in, but he needed to distract Cas from his own guilt and that might require a degree of sacrifice on his part.


	62. Chapter 62

The walls were trying to change and Dean was fighting the change, because the new walls trying to appear had bars and locked gates and the feel of a dungeon. "What is that?" he said, "I don't recognise it."

Cas said, "Heaven's cells."

The walls flickered between the two options, Bobby's home and Heaven's holding facility. Dean was constantly trying to re-establish Bobby's and Cas at least seemed to be attempting that too, but the prison walls kept reappearing.

"Heaven has no right to cage you or to judge you." said Dean.

"Dean, I tried to be God."

"Well, you certainly tried harder than God did."

The prison walls took over. They filled with Enochian letters. "Let me guess; the names of angels you killed?"

"Not just angels." said Cas, "The name over the door is Charlie's. There are other humans. Jimmy Novak ... "

"You didn't kill Jimmy and Charlie's death is on me."

"Both died because I failed to protect them." said Cas.

"You think I can't list all the ones I killed or let die?" said Dean, "What I don't do is torture myself constantly with the names."

"Don't you?" said Cas.

"You have to forgive yourself." said Dean, "Do you think Charlie would want her name above the door of your cell?"

"Some things cannot be forgiven." said Cas.

"Well, I forgive all of it."

"Even you believe some things are unforgivable." said Cas.

"Such as?"

"Yourself."

There was an awkward silence for some time.

"Well, at least we're sharing a cell." said Dean, "At least we're in this mess together." He heard a door slam shut and he knew any control he had over the situation was failing. His own guilt was making him feel it was right he should be so confined.

"Cas," he said, "I need your help."

"I can't stop seeing the walls." said Cas, "I can't change them."

"You don't need to." said Dean, "You need to help me. You still believe in me, right? At least a little?"

Cas stood, suddenly looking a lot stronger. "Dean, focus on the facts. You cannot be held in Heaven's cells. You cannot be in Heaven. You are alive. A living human cannot be there. If you're alive, this place does not apply to you."

The walls faded in the areas around Dean.

"That's good." said Dean, "Keep going."

"I do believe in you, Dean. I always have. You're able to fight this in ways I can't."

"So am I." said Jules, who was standing outside the cell. She touched the lock and the cell opened. Jules went to Cas and kissed him.

"Okay." said Dean, "Not my usual prison dream, but fine. Whatever helps you."

The kiss went on for a while. The prison dissolved. Eventually, Jules herself faded and Cas looked embarrassed. "Sorry. She said I could think about kissing her to clear my mind."

They were sitting on Bobby's couch. "That kiss was a lot more intense than the one I saw after the party." said Dean.

"I had a lot of practice at the sleepover." said Cas.

"Ah. So it wasn't just a night of talking, then?"

"I think other forms of communication can be as effective as words." said Cas.

A quiet whisper said, "It can't last."

"You keep out of this." said Dean to the walls.

"Dean, you and I are creating this room and everything in it. You are arguing with us."

"With you, not me."

"We both agree I'm a dumbass."

"That's not what I meant!" said Dean.

"You used that actual word." said Cas. He didn't seem hurt or angry, just resigned and accepting and Dean hated that more.

"I wish you paid as much attention to the good stuff I say as you do to the bad." said Dean.

"The bad tends to confirm what I already know. The good is plainly more kind than sincere."

"No. That's not true." said Dean, "None of that crap is true. I don't know why I say it."

"I say it because I'm scared." whispered the walls.

"Maybe I am." said Dean, "Maybe I'm so messed up that it's easier to call you stupid names than admit how much I depend on you. I only know that none of the cruel, stupid stuff I throw your way is true. I never mean it, Cas. Never! But that's the stuff you choose to hear."

The walls whispered again. "If I were accused of being your friend, they'd never find enough evidence to convict." and Dean had no idea from which of them the words came.

Cas took the lighter from his pocket. "All the words in the walls can say what they like. The words you had engraved on this feel more real than all the things you ever said."

"They should." said Dean, "I meant them." He looked at Cas, seeing the weariness and the weight of his unhappiness. "Do you need to get out of here?" he said.

Cas thought for a long time and then said, "If you can bear to stay, I'd like to stick around."

"Are you sure? Because you've been through a lot."

"I think I need to go through more and maybe you do too, but I know you hate every moment of the link, so if you can't handle it, say so."

"I'm fine." said Dean, "We'll stay."


	63. Chapter 63

Sam watched Dean closely, seeing the way his hands sometimes clenched into fists, the determined set of his jaw. Something was happening and Dean was under pressure.

"Castiel is a lot less calm than last time." said Sarah, "How's Dean?"

"Okay, I think." said Sam, "Well, not okay, but I think he's controlling the situation. I hope so."

She turned from Cas to look at Dean. "He's very strong and when he has someone to protect, he's far more able to use that strength than he is for himself." She got up from her chair and put her hand on Dean's clenched right fist. "You can do this, Dean." she said. She went back to Cas and stroked his cheek. "Be strong, my dear." 

Cas seemed to relax a little.

"I need to get African dream root or something." said Sam, "I should be in there, with them."

"I know how you feel, Sam," she said, "It's hard for me too. I think this will be good for both of them, but my instinct is to protect them and there's no easy way to do that today."

"Anything could be happening in there." said Sam.

"They're together. Together, they can do almost anything. Last time, they managed to make a stable place between their minds. If they still have that, they have a lot of control."

"What if they can't hold it together?" said Sam.

"They can." said Sarah, "If they can't, they should be able to come back out. The fact that they're still there suggests they're able to keep control."

Sam watched them both for a while in silence, trying to read every finger twitch, every eyelid flicker. Eventually, he said, "Dean's attitude has changed. He's not just willing to try to change, he's starting to believe he can. You've given him hope."

"I think you give me too much credit. You've been holding a light in his darkness for a long time now and he's starting to see it. If I've helped him find a little clarity to see it or a little courage to look for it, I'm glad, but the three of you need to see how strong you really are and how well you take care of each other."

Sam looked at Dean's face again. It seemed calm. "When I was a kid, when I was scared and confused and having nightmares I didn't understand, he was always there for me. He was strong and unafraid and he swore he would protect me and he always has, even when he knew I was being a fool. Even when he hated everything I was doing. Even now, if I needed him, he'd do anything to help me."

"Yes, he would." said Sarah.

"And that's what Cas needs right now. I'm not Dean and that means I wouldn't be much use to them, even if I could join them. Dean will never let Cas be lost. He will never give up on him."

"Neither would you." said Sarah, "Don't imagine for a moment that you are less than Dean or that you matter less to any of us. You don't say much about the burdens you carry, but I see them anyway. This feeling you have, that you're weak, it's not true. You have repeatedly defeated a fallen archangel. When your brother could barely keep going, you supported him. You gave him strength, even when you had little to spare. Dean talks about your strength with awe and reverence and you know how little Dean expresses either."

"I'm okay, Sarah." said Sam.

"And you've been saying that your whole life, so he doesn't have to bear your pain as well as his own."

"It does no good. He still does." he said.

"Yes. He knows you too well to be fooled. You are too alike for either of you to ever be fooled. I believe he can feel your love, even now. You're helping them both, just by being here."


	64. Chapter 64

Dean looked around the room. The walls seemed to have settled into Bobby's wallpaper. The pile of books were still on Bobby's desk. He looked at Cas. "I think we have a degree of stability. If things go sideways again, we work together, okay?"

Cas met his gaze and said, "Okay."

"Look, man, there's something I have to tell you and it's bad."

He knew there would be a whisper from the walls and sure enough, it said, "I'm the worst friend you ever had."

"The walls are right." he said.

"The walls are you." said Cas, "Talking the same nonsense you always do."

"I've told you I hate the link."

"I lied." said the walls.

Cas was watching his face, a question in his eyes. His voice came from the wall. "Keep talking. Please, keep talking."

"What?" said Dean.

"No idea." said Cas, "Wall me is an idiot."

"I lied about the link!" said Dean's voice from the walls.

"It wasn't all a lie." said Dean, as much to the walls as to Cas.

"What part was?" said Cas.

"All my life, I've been alone. I mean, I had Sam, I love Sam ... "

"Sold my frickin' soul for Sam." said the walls.

"Shut up, okay?" said Dean, "This is hard enough."

"I never intended you to know." said the walls.

"Silence!" said Cas and the voices in the walls stopped.

"Thanks." said Dean.

"It's just us, Dean. You can tell me anything."

Dean looked around the room, searching for anything he could look at other than Cas's face. Then he summoned up the courage to look him in the eye. "You get used to being alone. You live with it. You know that the only person you have to talk to about stuff is the one you've spent your whole life protecting and you edit what you say and what you think. Hell, you even end up editing what you let yourself feel, because you need to be strong."

"That all sounds very familiar." said Cas.

Dean looked down, unable to say another word with Cas looking at him. "I hate the link." he said. He could hear the silence in the walls trying to turn back into words, calling him a liar. He could feel Cas using all of his mental strength to hold those words back for him. "I hate what the link does to you. I do. I swear. When you flinch from my disgusting, sick, evil mind, I hate myself."

"I love you." said the walls with Cas's voice.

"Sorry." said Cas, "I'll try harder."

"Don't." said Dean, "It's not worth the effort."

"Loving you, or stopping the voices?" said Cas.

Dean smiled grimly. "Both, probably. Cas, I hate the pain the link causes you, but I love the connection. I need the connection. I hate the damn talismans and I hate that we have to find a way to stop the link forever. I'll do it, for you. I just don't wanna do it."

Cas put his hand to his forehead, as if in pain.

"I know." said Dean, "Wall me is right. I suck as a friend."

Cas shook his head. "I thought it was just me."

"What was you?"

"Needing the link."

"You don't need it. Your mind screams, 'No!' when it happens."

"When it invades your mind and hurts you." said Cas, "When it feels like an intrusion, a betrayal of trust. I love the link, but hate what it does to you, how much you hate angels invading personal space. And your mind has to be the most personal space there is."

"You're saying you don't hate my toxic mind?"

"I hate that it feels toxic to you." said Cas, "You don't resent me for knowing your thoughts?"

"I just hate that they are not better thoughts. I hate that you see how corrupt and selfish and worthless I really am."

A whisper came from the walls. "The talismans don't ... "

"Be quiet!" said Cas to the walls. "Dean," he said, "I've shown you how I see you. That hasn't changed and nothing can ever change it. Yes, sometimes the touch of your mind is like an envenomed scourge. Sometimes, your pain is almost unbearable to me, but I would rather bear any of it with you than know you are trapped in there alone."

"That's not your job." said Dean.

"You say that a lot." said Cas, "As we've established, I don't know what my job is anymore. I don't think you know either, so maybe don't keep telling me what it isn't."

"Human emotion hits you hard. My pain is worse for you than for me."

"So how do you think love and friendship feel? How do you think I feel when you trust me, as you are now? And are you saying my pain doesn't hurt you? Because you threw that book into the fire."

"Fat lot of good that did." said Dean, "You still think you failed me, don't you?"

"I've failed you more often than I've failed God." said Cas.

"Neither of us deserves the loyalty you've given us." said Dean.

"You deserve a better friend than me."

"I deserve all the fires of Hell." said the walls.

"Dean, stop that." said Cas, "It's not true. It's never been true!"

Dean ignored him. "So, what was all that stuff about how much you hate the mind curse?"

"You needed me to hate it. It wasn't a lie. I fully intended to make myself hate it. I just haven't figured out how."

"I know it hurts you." said Dean.

"Yes, sometimes. It hurts you, too. It also makes it really hard for us to lie to each other and honesty is a big strain on our relationship. There are aspects to it that are terrible and we need to fix them, but it seems neither of us hates the touch of mind on mind."

"Could we rephrase that in a way that doesn't sound dirty?" said Dean.

"Dean, you think the Bible is dirty." said Cas.

"You're the one using it to keep things simmering with Jules."

"Not all intimacy is sex." said Cas.

"Definitely not in your case." said Dean.

"In fact, this may be the most intimate conversation of my life and I don't find you remotely attractive."

Dean grinned. "Well, that's because angels have no taste."

The walls whispered, very softly, "Don't mention Destiel."

"Who said that?" said Cas.

"I don't know. Meaningless gibberish to me." said Dean.

"And to me." said Cas quickly.

"The important thing is," said Dean, "That neither of us wants the link gone entirely. Controlled and limited, yes, but not gone. Because without it, the world is lonely."

"Yes." said Cas.

"We've both been wearing ourselves out pretending that we hate it. Think how well we'd be using it now if we'd put that much effort into working with it."

"This seems a pretty good use of it now." said Cas.

"Yes, it does." said Dean.


	65. Chapter 65

Castiel nodded to the corridor of locked doors that shimmered in the room. "What do we do with all the locked doors?" he said.

Dean wished he hadn't asked. The existence of those doors made a clear statement that, however close they were, however deep their mutual trust, there were things each needed to keep from the other. "We locked 'em for a reason." he said, "I say we leave 'em locked until we're ready to deal with what's behind 'em."

"Do we even know what that is?" said Cas, "We don't even know which are yours and which are mine."

"I could make a good guess about some of the stuff behind mine, but I'd prefer not to." said Dean.

"Maybe, we could at least mark whose they are." said Cas.

"How do we do that?" said Dean.

"I don't know." Cas admitted, "Maybe if we go into the corridor, we can identify them."

"Okay, but anything comes out of there, we promise never to mention it again, right?"

"Right." said Cas, "I have as much to fear as you do."

They went into the corridor together, Dean brandishing his knife, Cas with his angel blade, though neither weapon seemed either useful or necessary.

At the first door, they stopped. Cas touched the sturdy wooden door with its iron studs. In his hand, a glowing key of pure light appeared. "I think that means this is mine." he said.

Dean went to the next one. No key appeared in his hand. "This one too?" he said, "Or can only angels open them?"

Cas went to it and the key appeared again. "Try another." he said, "I think we can only open our own."

Dean went to another door. As he came within reach of it, there was a key of light in his hand. He touched the wooden door. "How can we find out what's there?"

"I don't know." said Cas, "Maybe we can't without opening them."

"On some level, we have to know what we locked away." Dean listened at the door. No sound came from behind it. He focused his mind on making a brass plaque appear. Neat, copperplate writing appeared and formed the word, "Alistair" across the plaque. "Okay, we need more padlocks on this one." he said. Two more appeared.

Cas touched the second door. A piece of paper was suddenly nailed to it. Gothic handwriting scrawled the words, "Corrupted by Lucifer." Cas seemed pale and shaken.

Dean had reached the next door. A plaque appeared at his approach. "Sam dies." it said.

"We need to get out of here." he said, "These are supposed to stay locked forever.

"I agree." said Cas. He was staring at another piece of paper.

Dean went over to it and saw Claire's name. He took Cas's arm. "We're leaving this mess here." he said. "We should get back to the others anyway."

They left the corridor. Dean willed it to close and it disappeared. Cas was looking at him.

"What?" he said.

"You're able to label doors, transform rooms, light fires."

"You silenced the wall voices." said Dean.

"Briefly." said Cas.

"Point is, we're both pretty good at this."

"Put the door and window back." said Cas.

"Why? I thought we were leaving."

"It feels important. Okay, the stuff behind the doors is locked away for excellent reasons, but out there are our minds and they only seem dark and terrifying because we've been scared of hurting each other with them."

"We still are." said Dean, "Remember the cabin? You were as much a wreck as I was by the end of it."

"If the bad stuff is locked behind triple locks, how bad can the stuff out there be?" said Cas.

"My good stuff is pretty bad." said Dean.

"If I don't protect you, I'll lose you." said the walls.

"Pretty arrogant, to think an angel needs your protection."

"Pretty arrogant to think you still count as an angel." said Cas's voice from the walls.

"I won't lose you again." said Dean's wall voice.

"You lose everyone." said another Dean voice.

"Shut up!" said Dean, "Shut them up, Cas!"

Suddenly, they were in a vast stone hall with tapestries in rich colours on the walls. Down the centre of the hall, a shallow trench held a warming fire.

"We're not in Bobby's now." said Dean.

"No." said Cas, "We need to go." His voice shook.

"What's wrong?" said Dean.

"The tapestries. The scenes are from the Song of Solomon."

"Hey, maybe we're in Solomon's palace!" said Dean, "Didn't he have, like three hundred concubines?" He looked around hopefully.

"This isn't Solomon's palace." said Cas.

"Then what is it?"

"I fear it may be mine."

"I'm guessing you have no concubines."

"I have no palace."

"No, I thought you didn't. I feel you would have mentioned it at some point. Are you okay, Cas?"

"This is pure fantasy." said Cas.

"Everything here is."

"No, this is ... "

"This is the other kind of fantasy? The good kind?" said Dean. He could see Cas was getting more uneasy, even ashamed. They heard footsteps coming towards the arched opening at the end of the hall. He took Cas's arm. "Okay, we're leaving." They both knew whose footsteps they heard and it was clear that Cas did not want to meet her there.


	66. Chapter 66

Dean was first to open his eyes and sit up. He saw Sam sitting beside his bed. Sam immediately got up and helped him to his feet. "Are you okay, Dean?" he said.

"Yeah, I'm fine." said Dean. He went to Cas and gently touched his shoulder. "Cas, you back?"

"Back." said Cas, opening his eyes. He sat on the edge of the bed. "Dean, I'm sorry about that last part."

"Someone make some coffee." said Dean, "And someone else help make coffee." Sarah and Sam left the room. Dean turned back to Cas. "It's fine. I understand. You're not the first guy to feel like a king the first time he falls in love."

"The arrogance ... the assumptions ... "

"Love." said Dean, "It messes with your mind. I know it's weird, knowing that I've seen this deeply private stuff, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. We all have strange stuff in our heads we never talk about. We all have things we wouldn't like to explain to the people we love. You don't need to explain it to me. It's just like Bobby's wallpaper. It exists in your mind. It's not something you put there by choice."

"What about the others?" said Cas, "Will they be as understanding?"

"You notice that I sent them away. There's no need for anyone to know. We can tell them a lot of the stuff that happened. We just keep quiet about that. And the labels on the doors, obviously."

"And what about Jules?" said Cas.

"I think she'd get it, but you don't need to tell her either. Honestly, if women knew every thought in our heads, we'd never get past first base."

"I'm a little unclear on the bases." said Cas.

"Ask Rowena sometime. She has an encyclopaedic knowledge of them." He raised a warning finger. "Actually, don't. You're not ready for that discussion and she'd see it as flirtation. To be honest, she sees, 'Hello!' as flirtation. And she has a thing for you."

"I'm sure that isn't true." said Cas.

"By the way, I hope we can now slam the door forever on the idea of going to Heaven to get rid of the link."

Cas nodded. "I thought I'd have to, for your sake."

"I knew you hadn't given up on the idea." said Dean.

"All I saw was your suffering and I would have done anything to kill the damn link and set you free."

"The link you've now admitted you love?"

"What, you've never given up something you loved for someone?"

"So, now ... "

"Now I know we can both live with the link. Now, I don't need to ask Heaven for help."

"They would have killed you, you know."

"Maybe not. Heaven is missing a few too many angels."

"Okay, then they'd have taken you back to factory settings, again. Never make that kind of sacrifice for me, okay?"

"I wish I could promise not to." said Cas, "But I've discovered there's almost nothing I won't do for you. I mean, I wouldn't kill Sam or Jack or Sarah or Claire, but that's about it."

"Speaking of Claire, if you ever want to open that door, I care about her too."

"I know. My fears for Claire are sometimes too much to think about. Her parents are dead because of me. Her life has been terrible, because of me. It would finish the set if she died because of me and that thought haunts me."

"You blame yourself for far too much." said Dean.

"Maybe, if I blamed myself a little more, I wouldn't keep screwing up the way I always do." said Cas.

"You're a good person, Cas. You're selfless. Not many people are."

"Selfless people don't have a palace in their heads where they imagine themselves a king." said Cas.

"It's the first sign I've seen that you're developing a healthy self-image." said Dean, "For that reason, I'm glad I saw it. Jules is good for you."

"Jules is too good for me." said Cas.

"And now you're heading back to your usual contempt for yourself."

"Or respect for Jules." said Cas.

"If it's respect, you should respect her judgement. She chose to become involved with you. She thinks you're good enough."

"I can't help wondering why."

"Because she knows you, dumb... " Dean stopped and said, "You know what? I'm gonna pick my words more carefully around you."

"It would be nice."

"Are you ready to go downstairs and talk to Sam and Sarah?" said Dean, "And no is a perfectly valid answer."

"I'm okay." said Cas.


	67. Chapter 67

In the kitchen, Sam was pouring the coffee. He was deliberately not asking Sarah what she thought. Dean's concern for Cas made him wonder if something had gone wrong and his swift dismissal of both Sam and Sarah was troubling. Then again, sharing such a deep connection must be difficult for someone to whom an overly friendly handshake was an intolerable invasion of his space.

They both heard the others coming down the stairs. Sam saw Sarah touch her silver wedding ring and he knew that she was worried too. When Dean and Cas came into the kitchen, she smiled brightly and said, "How was it?"

"Okay." said Dean, "Better than okay. We are kings of the connection."

"Not mind curse?" she said.

"Not anymore." said Dean, "Turns out, he doesn't hate it any more than I do. You knew, didn't you?"

"It wasn't my place to tell you his secret." she said.

"No, I get that." said Dean. He put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "Doesn't matter now. We're on the same page. It's a relief."

"Did Cas's mental state cause any trouble?" said Sam.

"A little." said Cas.

"Nothing major." said Dean, "Cas was in control throughout. Angel minds are strong, this one, more than most."

"What Dean means is that every time I lost control of the situation, he re-established it for both of us."

"He's taking humility too far again." said Dean, "He never lost control and he helped me keep it too."

"Was it still Bobby's place?" said Sam.

"Yeah, mostly." said Dean, "We took some side trips. We can consciously change things when we want to."

"That's good." said Sarah.

"We had a slight issue with the walls." said Dean, "They talk a lot."

"About?" said Sarah.

"They say the things we don't." said Cas, "It's very disturbing. We can shut them up, but it requires an act of will. Left to their own devices, they soon start talking again."

"Do you want to talk about any of the things they said?" asked Sarah.

"No." said Cas.

"Not even a little bit." said Dean.

"I understand." said Sarah, "You've both had all the emotional exposure you can take for one day. Time for coffee and cookies. Unless you need to go spend some time meditating with the girls, Castiel?"

He smiled. "I'm fine. It really wasn't that bad. And now, I don't need to ask Heaven to kill the link."

"You were planning that, weren't you?" said Sam.

"Only as a last resort. Now it isn't needed. Dean doesn't hate the link. He doesn't hate me for being a part of it."

"I told you again and again I didn't blame you." said Dean.

"I know." said Cas, "But guilt changes perception. You know that better than anyone."

"I never should have lied to you." said Dean.

"You had to, just as I had to lie to you. Our friendship was on the line and neither of us wanted to risk it."

Sarah put out a plate of cookies. Sam gave them their coffee and all four of them sat around the table.

"So, did you see your younger self again?" said Sam.

"No, it was just us today." said Dean. A look passed between him and Cas. "I removed the door, so nothing could come in from outside."

"And that worked?"

"I told you. Kings of the connection. We can label things, we can make doors appear and disappear. We are awesome!"

"Were there strippers?" said Sam.

"Get your mind out of the gutter!" said Dean, "I had an angel with me. I was on my best behaviour."

"He was." said Cas, "There were no strippers."

Sarah smiled. "I'm sure it was all very wholesome."

"Of course it was." said Dean. He smiled at her and said, "Thanks, Sarah, for everything."

"As I told Sam, you boys give me too much credit. All I do is offer some support. You've all achieved amazing things and I am so happy for you."

"Without you, I wouldn't have even tried." said Dean, "And if I'd tried, I would have failed. And I never would have told Cas the truth."

"Well, I'm glad you did." she said, "It was time you both knew. I was sure you'd eventually be honest with each other."

"You know, for a friendship based on lies and half-truths, this one turns out to be pretty resilient." said Dean.

"Because you're both honest when it matters." said Sam.

"Actually, we're often not." said Dean, "Sometimes, that's when we lie the most."

"What would the walls say to that?" said Sam.

"Who cares what the dumbass walls say?" said Cas.

Dean smiled at him. "I'm with Cas on this."


	68. Chapter 68

Soon, three of them were back in the parlour, Cas having stayed in the kitchen to tidy up. Dean kept looking in that direction. It was clear to Sam that he was letting Cas's love of chores upset him again.

Dean shook his head. "An angel of the Lord and he's washing coffee cups! Why does he do that?"

"You know why he does that," said Sam, "It makes him feel like part of the family. I don't know why it gets to you so much. You hate washing dishes, he loves it and doing it makes him feel good, which seems important, doesn't it?"

"I think that may also be why it bothers Dean so much." said Sarah.

"I don't want him to feel good or I don't want him to be part of the family?" said Dean, "Because both are actually pretty important to me."

"I'd say vitally important. I'd say fundamental to your being." said Sarah, "And that's a touchy area and it locks into your earliest and deepest fears."

"You're overestimating my intelligence again. Do me a solid and dumb it down."

"I'm not overestimating anything." she said, "But if i'm being unclear, you crave a home, security, safety, emotional and physical, for those you love. You worry when Castiel is away from home, especially when he might choose his other home, where he is not treated well."

"Heaven is only his home because those feathery bastards programmed him." said Dean.

"Yes, that's true. So it makes sense that, when he acts like a diligent member of the family and seems content to do so, you feel good about it. You see it as a good thing."

"Which contradicts what you said before." said Dean.

"No it doesn't. I told you, earliest and deepest fears. You had the perfect home once before. You felt loved and safe. Then it was all gone in a night. Everything good, everything that makes you truly happy, sparks off a whisper from your earliest certainties, that it's going to be so hard to lose that feeling and you will."

"So I hate it because I love it?" said Dean.

"Partly. It sounds strange, I know."

"It sounds crazy." said Dean.

"It sounds very like you." said Sam, "Sarah's good."

"You are suspicious of happiness at the best of times." said Sarah, "You see it as an indulgence a soldier can't afford. You heap guilt onto your back because people have died and here you are, feeling good, as if they would want you to spend the rest of your life in misery."

"I am a pleasure-seeking missile." said Dean.

Sam smiled. "You're a distraction-seeking missile. She's right. Being happy makes you cranky, because there's always that level of guilt."

"Do him now." said Dean.

Sarah smiled. "Dean, my dear, you asked me to explain."

"Yeah, okay. Listening."

"There's another factor. You love Castiel's need for domesticity as much as you love when Sam calls the bunker home, but it also feels wrong that he needs to do the household chores, like he owes you and Sam something, when you already see his friendship as a debt you can't repay."

"She's good." said Sam again.

Cas came into the room. Sam was unsure what, if anything. he had heard. "I've been thinking." he said.

"Since about the dawn of time." said Dean, "And so far, it never seems to be a good thing."

"Dean!" said Sam.

Dean said, "I'm sorry, Cas. What were you thinking?"

"Sarah needs help here. Jules used to dream of living on a farm. She doesn't know much about livestock, but she learns fast and she loves animals in general."

"Hold it," said Dean, "You want to move Jules in here?"

"It's perfect, isn't it?" said Cas, "She'd love it here."

"So she comes here, to live and you stay at the bunker?" said Dean.

"Yes."

"You'll break her heart." said Dean.

"No. I'll be making her dream come true. Isn't that what love means?"

Sam instantly hated the idea. "Cas," he said, "You want her to move from just down the corridor to a thirty minute drive away."

"Forty, the way he drives." said Dean.

"What part of that doesn't feel like goodbye to you?" said Sam.

"Where are you getting goodbye from?" said Cas, "I come here all the time."

Sarah spoke. "Sit down, Castiel. We need to think about this."

"She'd help you. She loves to help." said Cas.

"Believe me, dear, I would love to have Jules here. She is a delight, but the boys are right. This will seem to her as if you don't want her around anymore. I'd like to be sure that your fears about the relationship are not a factor."

"The relationship did not factor into anything." said Cas, "I thought only of your need for help and her desire to live in a place just like this. I was thinking of her happiness and yours."

"At the expense of yours?"

"She'd still be close and she is going to leave the bunker. At least this way, she stays nearby and she will be safe. This place is warded, hidden, filled with protective sigils. When Michael comes, the bunker will not necessarily remain safe."

Sarah spoke slowly and clearly. "Castiel, please focus. Do you remember when we spent what seemed like most of a summer talking about how your actions can have motivations that you know nothing about?"

"You know I never forget anything we talk about." said Cas, "But I don't see the relevance. Surely, my motives here are simple and transparent."

"It seems to me like you want to ditch Jules." said Dean, "More importantly, that's how it's gonna seem to Jules."

"I don't want that." said Cas, "I want her to be happy. It's true that I will miss her, but is that a reason to deny her what she has wanted for a long time?"

"She wants you." said Sam, "Are you sure this isn't just a way to distance yourself from her and avoid the stresses of trying to make a relationship?"

"I don't think it is." said Cas.

"But you don't know?" said Dean. His voice was gentle. Sam could hear the protective big brother in the tone.

"No." Cas admitted.

"Okay," said Dean, "So before you go calling Jules and telling her you want her out of the bunker, stop and think about this and if this is a way of ending the relationship, find another way. Because, take it from me, ending a relationship the wrong way will haunt you forever. And your forever is a lot longer than mine."

"And if you decide you do want to suggest it to her," said Sarah, "Invite her here and talk to her with us around. Dean and Sam are right, she will hear this as a goodbye and you may need us to help her understand that it's not."

"I thought you'd all love the idea." said Cas.

"Maybe we need to take a walk." said Dean, "Come on."

They left. Sam looked at Sarah. "Are we interfering?"

"A little." she said, "But I don't want that lovely girl hurt. He doesn't think he can have love and happiness, so he's sabotaging the relationship."

"I noticed something." said Sam.

"What?" she said.

"Neither of them has asked for their talisman back."

"No." she said.

"And you haven't given them back."

"It may be that they've forgotten or it may be that they have made a decision not to use the talismans. If they need them, they know where they are. They only have to ask."


	69. Chapter 69

Dean took Cas over near the barn and then stopped walking and said to him, "This is what was behind all the locked doors? You're bailing on Jules?"

"No." said Cas, "That's the last thing I want to do."

"Are you sure? Because I may not understand everything about angels, but there's nothing you can teach me about screwing up relationships out of fear."

"I think I'm sure." said Cas. In Dean's mind, he heard, "How can I know?"

"If you don't know, you need to find out. You need to think about this, long and hard, because you and Jules have something great, or you could, if you weren't constantly trying to destroy it."

"Maybe we should discuss this with the talismans on." said Cas.

"No." said Dean firmly, "It's hard enough getting a straight answer from you. I need the subtitles." He wondered what the subtitles to that were in Cas's mind. "I don't mean that." he said, "I mean that you're confused and maybe there's a part of your mind that isn't and I'm afraid you're gonna throw this relationship away because it's easier than taking a chance."

"Don't worry." said Cas, "Subtitles working fine on this end."

Dean smiled. "Good. So can we talk about Jules with shields down?"

"I'm not bailing on Jules. Our relationship was not a part of my considerations."

"Why not?" said Dean, "For most people, it would be the first, possibly only consideration."

"I am not most people." said Cas and head Cas added, "I don't know how to be people."

"You're a lot more people than I am." said Dean.

There was a silence, mentally and physically. Eventually, Cas said, "I don't understand that."

"No, neither do I." said Dean, "I'm sorry. I'm not good at this."

Cas answered him in thought, "You care. That matters."

"Yeah, I care." said Dean, "See, when you tell the woman who has beem so patient and so loving that you want her 30 minutes further away, she's gonna hear that you want her further away."

"What I want is not relevant." said Cas, "I want her never to leave my side. I want to spend every night holding her in my arms. I want a lot of things, but I have a chance to give her something she truly wants. Why would I deny her that, just because not being with her hurts me?"

"Wow." said Dean.

"I didn't say anything about love." said Cas, obviously replying to whatever thought of Dean's he had picked up.

"You didn't have to, Cas."

"She plans to leave the bunker. Does that mean she wants to be away from me?"

"Maybe she hopes you'll go with her." said Dean.

Cas grabbed his head as if in pain.

"Cas?" said Dean.

"Sorry." said Cas, "You shouted."

"No, I didn't. Oh, you mean mental me? What did I shout?"

"I'd rather not say." said Cas, "It was very personal."

"And came from my head." said Dean.

"You shouted, 'Don't leave!'" said Cas.

"Oh." said Dean, "Well, ignore that. You do what you need to do. Ignore needy mental me. He's a jerk."

"At least I know you don't want me further away." said Cas.

"No, I don't, but I want you happy."

"I can never be that." said Cas in his head.

"And that's the real reason why you want to send her away." said Dean, "You don't think you're allowed to be happy. You think this has to end badly."

"Sam says all ends to love are bad." said Cas. Dean heard the Cas in his head say, "I am nothing."

"You tell that headmonkey of yours that I will punch him in the face." said Dean.

"Don't call me a headmonkey." said Cas aloud.

Dean thought about all the pressures on Cas at the bunker and how his own teasing about Jules might be a factor. He never intended to hurt Cas with it, but intentions were irrelevant. Maybe he had.

"Look," he said, "If anything needs to change at the bunker, anything at all, you only have to say. If my big mouth makes you feel like you can't be with Jules there ... "

"You and Sam made me believe I could be with Jules." said Cas.

"But you still don't really think that." said Dean.

"I know how little I deserve her, or anyone. I've done some terrible things."

"We all have. Are you saying Sam and I don't deserve love either? The only good people in all this are Jules, Jack and Sarah and maybe we don't deserve any of them, but I'm damned if I'm gonna give them up without a fight."

"Jules could be safe here and Sarah could have chickens again." said Cas.

"And you'll miss Jules."

"Yes." said Cas.

"And she'll miss you."

"Maybe."

"And you're sure you're not just ending the relationship to avoid the risk of getting your heart broken?"

"Do you think what happens to my heart matters to me?" said Cas.

"I think it should." said Dean, "I wish it did."

"I love you too." said Cas.

"I didn't say anything about love." said Dean.

"Your headmonkey was pretty clear on it." said Cas.


	70. Chapter 70

Cas had gone in to find Sarah and Dean went to sit in the Impala and call his mother.

"Hey, Dean." she said.

"Hey, Mom. Everyone okay there?"

"We're all good. How about everyone there?"

"Cas is a little shook up, Sam's okay. Sarah's great." he said.

"I think you left someone out." she said, "Should I worry about him?"

"No, he's good. He's better than he has been in years." said Dean, "We won't need the talismans much longer. We're making big progress on controlling the link consciously. It's even been useful."

"That's great." she said.

There was a long silence. He wanted to tell her more. There was no need now to keep so many secrets from her. The news was good. It could not hurt her. "Things have changed, Mom." he said, "Things can be different now." He stopped, unable to find a way to explain it.

"Dean?" she said, sounding worried.

"It's okay." he said, "Just trying to figure out how to say this. I'm not good with the big stuff. It's good, though. I have hope and I'd almost forgotten how that felt and Sammy and I, we're talking about stuff we couldn't ever discuss before and Cas and I are ... Well, let's just say we never communicated better."

"That's good. What changed?"

"I don't know. Sarah says she's gonna teach me to live again and I don't know if she can, because my life's been crushed like a junked car so many times and the truth is, I grew up screwed to Hell and that's not your fault or Dad's, but every decision I made was a short-term fix with long-term consequences. What I'm trying to say is, I don't know if I can change more, but I've changed. Sarah talks about a future and I don't assume the future doesn't apply to me."

"You've never told me before that you were assuming that." she said.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want you to worry." he said.

"I worried anyway."

"I know. Like I said, my decisions have not been good ones, but they're getting better. I ditched some of my assumptions. I'm trying a different approach. So far, it's working. Maybe I won't ever learn to live again the way Sarah wants me to, but I want to now. I want to try."

"When I spoke to Sarah, I could tell she understood all three of you. I'm glad you gave her a chance to help you."

"So am I. Truth is, I'd given up a long time ago. Cas and Sam seemed salvageable, but me? Not a chance. Sarah believed in me. I don't even think she made me believe. She seemed to need me to try, so I tried. When it started to work, I was shocked."

"I'm proud of you." she said.

"Thanks, Mom. Today, I'm pretty proud of me too. And Cas doesn't hate the mind thing as much as I thought." He heard a tap on the top of the car and looked out to see Sam by the other door. "Gotta go, Mom. Sam needs me for something."

"Thanks for calling." she said, "I think that was the longest honest conversation we've had since I got back."

"I know. I think there will be a lot more. I'm gonna keep working on it all."

"I believe in you." she said.

"I love you, Mom." he said. He ended the call and opened the door for Sam. "You couldn't last five minutes without me?" he said.

"I was worried when you got into the car." said Sam, getting in.

"You worry too much. I was just calling Mom."

"How is she?"

"She's great. I told her how things are going."

"With Cas and Jules?"

"No, the ... other stuff."

"Oh. Well, that's good." said Sam.

"Good? I didn't lie to Mom. I didn't need to lie to her."

"You never really did need to." said Sam, "But it's good now that you're choosing not to. Seriously, Dean, it's so great to see the real you coming back after all these years."

"It's always been me, Sammy, the authentic Dean Winchester."

"Yeah, I know, but I like the version without the armour and the barbs and the bucketload of guilt. I like the Dean who doesn't hate himself and I know he;s not all the way back, but I'm seeing glimpses of him again."

Dean almost said something funny to deflect the overly emotional turn the conversation was taking, but instead he said, "So am I."

"Of course," said Sam, "You know you'll have to face that four year old you again, don't you?"

"There's a lot I have to face and I'll do it, but I'm not ready yet."

"No, I get that. Just remember that we're all here for you. We always will be."

"Yeah. We should go in now."

"Yeah, we should." said Sam, "I just wanted you to know, I see you, kicking it in the ass, Dean Winchestering the Hell out of it."

Dean smiled. "You're a good kid, Sam."

"Not a kid." said Sam.

"You always will be to me, just live with it." said Dean.


	71. Chapter 71

Cas and Sarah stood in his room, looking out of the window over the beehives and the flowers and over fields that used to be productive.

"Jules is the leader of a team of hunters." he said, "She could get plenty of workers for you, if you needed them. I know she'd love taking care of chickens."

"I'm sure she would." said Sarah, "She's happily taken responsibility for an angel."

"She'd be good company for you. Talking to Jules is always worthwhile. She has a mind filled with ideas. She loves philosophy, just like you do. You wouldn't be lonely anymore."

"Spending time with her makes you happy, doesn't it?" said Sarah, "And that's why you think having her here will be good for me. Just as you care whether I'm lonely, because you have been lonely for so long."

"Yes." said Castiel, wondering why she should state the obvious like that.

"And you say you have no capacity for empathy."

"Jules does." he said, "Jules has all the best human qualities and she has been lonely too. She lost everyone in the apocalypse in her world. You could make her happy again."

"And you think you can't?" said Sarah.

"She can have this room. I can move out my ... " He looked around the room and said, "Notebook. She'd love this room. I always have."

"So you wouldn't be coming here anymore?" said Sarah.

"I don't need a room to come here. I don't sleep. And I wouldn't lurk at night, because you find that creepy. I could sit in the parlour and read. I could be ready to make breakfast. Jules can also make breakfast and she makes coffee and she ... "

"And you'll take her for walks and feed her and I won't have to do a thing. I heard this speech a long time ago when Carl wanted a dog."

"She feeds herself and I never need to take her anywhere, although Dean says we should have a date but I think I might mess that up." said Cas, confused.

"Every time we talk about Jules, you tell me how happy she makes you and how great she is to be around. Why do you want her here and not with you at the bunker?"

"Here, she'll be happy. Here, she'll be safer."

"You could leave the bunker and move in here and then she could be here with you." said Sarah.

"No, I can never leave the bunker." said Cas, "Dean needs me. Sam too, I think. Jack definitely needs me. I can't leave the bunker."

"Castiel, I know the concept of happiness makes you uneasy ... "

"Not hers. Not yours."

"If she loves you, my dear, she won't want to leave you. That won't make her happy."

"Then she doesn't love me. She has always planned to leave the bunker. She's looking for somewhere in Kansas. Kansas is a big place. Lots of distance. She's leaving me one way or another. This way, I know where, she'll stay close and I can protect her."

"Have you asked her to stay?" said Sarah.

"Of course not." he said, "She doesn't want to stay. She already gives me so much of her time, attention and consideration. I can hardly ask her to give more when I give her precisely nothing."

"And is Dean in favour now? That is what you discussed with him, isn't it?"

"Dean thinks I'm doing this out of fear."

"I have to agree with Dean." said Sarah.

"I'm not afraid of getting my heart broken." said Cas.

"No, of course not. You're not afraid of being torn apart, atom by atom, by an angry archangel."

"I am a little afraid of that. It's never a good feeling."

"You're afraid that you can't make her happy, so you're trying to give her a consolation prize."

"Is that wrong?" said Cas.

"The day you wandered onto my property, I was looking at a fast decline and a miserable death, unmourned."

"Don't talk about dying, Sarah. We've discussed this."

"Yes and one day, it will happen and I'll be gone and you'll miss me. The other boys too, I hope. I also hope you'll smile when you remember me."

"I cured your cancer. I will cure anything else."

"You have a cure for time, Castiel?"

"Don't talk about dying, please." he said.

She took his hand. "I'm not leaving soon, my dear. I have a lot of years of work sorting out my new family."

"I don't get why humans die and demons live forever." he said.

"What I'm trying to say is that you make people happy, Castiel. When people get to know you, they love you. Dean loves you, Sam loves you, Jack adores you and Jules is in love with you. I love you like a son and sometimes like a father because the whole age thing is weird, but I love you. I've spoken to Jules about you and you do make her happy."

"Of course, the demons you actually want to have around for a long time are the ones that sacrifice themselves."

"And find redemption through an act of love." said Sarah, "But we're not discussing demons now."

"I have nothing to offer her. I can't even promise to be alive tomorrow."

"None of us can. Still we promise to share what time we have with those we love."

"You will be alive tomorrow if I have to guard your door all night, creepy or not." said Cas.

"Has she asked you for a commitment you're not ready to make?" said Sarah.

"No. She has asked for nothing." he said.

"Then why is there a problem?" she said.

"Because I know what she deserves. I know what anyone else would promise her."

"She doesn't want their promises. She doesn't want their love."

"I have no right ... "

"Castiel, you've saved the world more than once. You have every right to seek happiness."

"Not from her. Not at the expense of hers."

"What if her happiness depends on being with you?"

"There are always sleepovers." he said.

Downstairs, the front door opened and closed. "Where are you?" said Sam.

Cas went to the top of the stairs, "We were in Jules's room."

"Jules has a room now?" said Dean.

"Of course she has a room." said Cas, "We can't ask her to sleep draped over a beehive."

"The whole thing is very much up for negotiation." said Sarah, "And I really think Jules has a right to be consulted."

"Of course." said Cas.

"And so does Castiel." said Sarah, "Not this Castiel, who wants to sacrifice everything he has for everyone else."

"No," said Dean, coming upstairs, "Headmonkey Castiel, who, whether he will admit it or not, has a few wants and needs of his own."

"If you love something, let it go." said Cas.

"Worst advice ever." said Dean, "If you love something, cling to it until it kicks you in the face and leaves you dying in the dust."

Sarah looked at Dean and said, "Dean, dear, there are few jobs you couldn't master very quickly, if hunting became obsolete, but you should avoid relationship counselling. It's not for you."

Dean nodded. "Maybe I'll leave that stuff to you."


	72. Chapter 72

After a supper of homemade meatloaf followed by cherry pie, they were sitting around the kitchen table. Cas had not eaten, Dean had eaten a lot and Sam had found his appetite a little suppressed by worries that Cas would mess things up with Jules.

He was also wondering whether Dean's sudden need to tell their mother things was because he felt he was running out of time, but watching Dean eat and talk to Sarah about everything from why cheese was vital to life to which Disney princess Sam most resembled, he had to admit, Dean didn't seem to be thinking of imminent death.

It was getting late and he saw Sarah sometimes glancing at the clock. "We should go to bed soon." said Sam.

"Buy me a drink first." said Dean. He smiled at Sarah. "Everyone wants my body."

"Which is weird," said Sam, "Because it's too short."

"I'll wash the dishes." said Cas. He looked at Dean and said, "If that's okay with you."

"You heard us talking." said Dean.

"Cas," said Sam, "Dean doesn't object to you washing the dishes. He just ... "

Cas smiled at Dean. Dean grinned. "Yeah, I know." said Dean.

"What?" said Sam.

"We appreciate your attempts to keep the peace, but we're okay." said Dean.

"That link of yours is weird." said Sam.

"It certainly is." said Cas, "Dean, do we need the talismans?"

"Of course." said Dean, "Nobody should be at risk of sharing my dreams."

Cas shook his head.

Dean frowned. "Headmonkey stuff?"

"Yes, so I think I'll ask again."

"What did it say?" said Dean.

"You know what it said. So, talismans?"

"Let's have them with us, but not wear them until we need to." said Dean.

"Can either of you tell me what I'm missing?" said Sam.

"You're missing having your mind share every frickin' thought with your best friend." said Dean.

"I mean what was said."

"Headmonkey stuff. Headmonkeys are needy, entitled creeps with no sense of boundaries." said Dean.

"So, like you, but silent?" said Sam.

"Not often silent." said Cas.

"Do you two want to share a room again tonight?" said Sam.

"No." said Cas, "I think we're both fine."

Sarah nodded. "I think you are too and I think maybe Sam and Dean need to be together tonight."

"Is there a problem?" said Dean, looking at Sam.

"Dean, stop worrying." said Sarah, "You know that all three of you have been dealing with problems for years. At the moment, Cas is fine until tomorrow, when he will try to sabotage his relationship with Jules, you are heading in the right direction, but with a long way to go and Sam is hoping we have all forgotten about him."

"I'm not." said Sam.

"Well, whether you are or not, I think you need some time with your brother. You're too good at isolating yourself these days and the pressures on you are not getting any lighter."

"If these two are okay, I'm fine." said Sam.

Dean whistled. "He sounds like me, doesn't he, Sarah?"

"He does." said Sarah.

"How are you, Sarah?" said Sam, "We seem to be focusing on everybody but you."

"Deflection." said Dean.

"Shut up, Dean." said Sam. He turned back to Sarah. "I'm serious. You should take an occasional break from saving us."

"Like you take breaks from saving the world?" said Sarah.

"I try to rest between apocalypses." said Sam.

"Don't worry about me." said Sarah, "I draw my strength from being useful. As long as I have someone to care for, I'm fine. Things are going so well."

"Yes, they are." said Dean.

"Though I do feel I'm juggling eggs, and not boiled ones."

"How so?" said Sam.

"You're all trying hard and you're all leaping ahead. Sam, you're reaching a point where you can stop hiding behind the need to help your brothers, Dean, you've made a real effort to change some very ingrained habits and Castiel, you actually have a chance of true love, which is wonderful. But you're all so fragile, so vulnerable. I am always aware of that. That's my main concern. If I have anything to worry about, it's that."

"So how can we help?" said Sam.

"By supporting each other, by being honest with me. That's all I ask."

"We can do that." said Dean.


	73. Chapter 73

Cas settled down on his bed and heard the low murmur of Sam and Dean talking in their room. He could have heard what they were saying, but chose not to. He just liked to know they were near and in harmony with each other.

He took out his phone and looked at photos that Jules had sent him during the day. There was one text from her, saying, "I love your smile." and he found himself smiling.

He knew that, if he said nothing, she would worry, but the others seemed pretty sure she was going to hear anything he said as bad news. He called her anyway.

"Cas!" she said, "I was just thinking about you. How's Dean?"

"Dean's doing well." he said, "And he doesn't want to be rid of the link any more than I do."

"That's wonderful!" she said, "You can learn to use it. It's practically a superpower."

"I'm not wearing a cape for anyone." he said.

She laughed. "I love you, Cas."

He didn't know what to say. For a long time, he pondered his response.

"Cas? Forget I said that, if it's disturbing to you."

"It's not that." he said, "Things are happening and I need to talk to you, but I need you to come here."

"No problem. Now?" she said.

"You'd come now?"

"Of course." she said.

"No, I mean tomorrow. It's a family thing. They think I'm likely to mess this up, so they want to be there to interpret things into human concepts."

"Are you breaking up with me?" she said.

"I hope not." he said, "I really don't want to."

"Because, if you want to end it, say so now. I'll understand and I'll be out of Kansas by the time you get home."

"You want me to end it?" he said.

In his head he heard, "Cas? You okay?"

"No, I don't, but I can't make you stay with me."

"I want to stay with you." he said.

Dean's voice in his head said, "What's happened?"

He tried to form an explanation, but it came out as a howl that echoed through his mind.

"I wish you could believe in us." said Jules.

"I believe in almost nothing else." said Cas, still trying to marshal his thoughts and make sense to Dean.

The door opened and Dean came in, "What is it?" he said, "It sounds like the fall of a city in your head."

"I don't know." said Cas.

"Don't know what?" said Jules.

Dean took the phone. "Hey, Jules, it's Dean." He switched it to speaker. "Now we can both hear you."

"Have you been there the whole time?" she said.

"No, just came in. Cas is upset. Just need to know why."

"So do I." she said, "He says we need to talk, but I feel like he just wants to end things."

"Well, he doesn't. You should be here. Come tomorrow and we can all talk this through. I know it doesn't seem like any of my business, but ... "

"We need all the help we can get." she said, "Cas, if I'm putting too much pressure on you ... "

"You're not." said Cas, "You put no pressure on me."

"Maybe you should." said Dean, "He could use a little push."

"This is how he is with no pressure." said Jules, "I'm not about to make things worse."

"Everyone thinks everything I want to say is stupid and wrong." said Cas.

"No," said Jules, "I don't."

"Neither do I." said Dean, "It's just not making a lot of sense."

"I swear to you, I want this more than I have ever wanted anything in my life." said Cas, "But I know the odds are against us."

"They always have been." said Dean, "You never ran from a battle before."

"You have a very selective memory." said Cas.

"What time should I come tomorrow?" said Jules.

"I can come pick you up, if you want." said Dean.

"I have my jeep." she said, "How about 10 am?"

"That would be good." said Cas, "And you can stay here if you want. You can have my room."

"We could share." she said.

"Look," said Dean, "Everything's gonna be weird. Just remember that he's crazy about you and he wants this to work."

"Cas," said Jules, "We'll make this work."

"Thanks." he said.

"I nearly said sleep well." she said, "That doesn't happen for you, does it?"

"No. You sleep well, I'll be lying here thinking over everything I just said."

"Sounds restful." she said.

"I'll take care of him." said Dean, "I have an idea. You just relax, Jules. We'll see you tomorrow."

"Thanks, Dean." she said.


	74. Chapter 74

Dean sat on the end of Cas's bed. "Okay, phone off, focus on me."

Cas turned the phone off and put it on the nightstand. "What's your idea?" he said.

"It's a strange one and might not work and it has the potential to get very weird, very fast, but if it works, it'll make your night a lot more peaceful."

"That sounds good." said Cas.

"It does? I mean, yeah, it does, because it is. When I was a kid, I had these night terrors."

"You still do."

"Yeah, but in those days, they freaked Sammy out."

"Still do." said Cas.

"Not helping." said Dean. He instantly saw the regret in Cas's eyes and knew he had not intended to be annoying. "Sorry, this is a little awkward and could lead to a crapload of crazy for both of us, if I'm wrong, but I'm not. I'm like, eighty percent sure that it's fine."

"So what do you want me to do?" said Cas.

"Like I said, my night terrors scared Sam and worried Dad, so I needed to get a lid on them, fast. This is going a long way back. I was maybe six or seven. So this is not a Sarah-approved technique, but not all my coping strategies can have been flawed, right?"

"Right?" said Cas, uncertainly.

"Right! That's all we need. A little bit of confidence. Besides, this is a one-off, so even if it's not best practice, it can't do any harm."

"Your mind thinks it'll work. It's urging you to stop talking it down." said Cas.

"So, close your eyes and meet me at Bobby's, right by the fireplace." Dean closed his eyes and quickly found his way there. Cas was sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace.

Dean sat beside him. "Okay," he said, "Just take all the fears and doubts running through your head and say to them, 'Not now!' Stop each one, in its tracks with a clear 'Not now!' and just focus on a non-threatening, regular sound. I used to use the A/C or Sammy's breathing."

"Is it okay to use your breathing?" said Cas.

"Yeah, that'll work. I know your thoughts take longer to shut down than mine, because your mind is like a giant highway and mine is a dirt track, but I think that also means you have greater control."

"In theory." said Cas, "But you've been doing this for a long time and nobody has more control over his thoughts than a Winchester."

"I don't know where you get these ideas, I really don't." said Dean.

"It does seem to be workimg." said Cas.

"Focus more and it will work faster." said Dean.

Cas closed his eyes in the library as he already had in the real world. After a while, he seemed a lot more relaxed.

"How do you feel?" said Dean.

"Pretty good. Thanks."

"I think we can do better." said Dean.

"You have another trick."

"I have a theory. We know you can sleep, you've done it."

"When I was sick or low on grace." said Cas.

"Which means the mechanism exists inside you. You just need to be able to access it. We currently have the resources of both our minds. Above all, I have years of experience of grabbing sleep where I can. But I'm not leaving you open to my bad dreams. You can stop the bad ones, can you guarantee a good one?"

"I don't think I can sleep at will." said Cas.

"I think you can follow me in. You control that body very precisely, right?"

"Yes, with an act of will I can make it do just about anything."

"Lucky Jules." said Dean with a smile.

"What do you mean?" said Cas.

"Not important, right now. I think if you use the link to follow my consciousness into dreams and control your body to mimic what mine does when it sleeps. you can at least approximate sleep. Does that make sense?"

"Astonishingly, yes." said Cas.

"I guess I should lie down for this bit. Wait here while I adjust my physical location. Can you hold this space alone?"

"I think so." said Cas.

Dean returned to the bedroom and lay on the bed. "This never happened." he said. He closed his eyes again and quickly returned to the copy of Bobby's library. Cas was still sitting on the floor, eyes shut.

"Back." said Dean, "So, we need a good dream or no dreams."

"Is there any recurring good dream you have?" said Cas.

Dean thought about it. Most of his recurring dreams were anything but pleasant. "No." he said.

"None?" said Cas, his tone sympathetic.

"Skip the pity. We're working here." said Dean.

"Go back years, to when you were small. Surely some scrap of hope got into your dreams then?"

"I used to have dreams of a normal life, with Mom and Dad safe and Sammy and me growing up in a normal home. Not wise to visit those dreams. Even the good stuff goes bad over time."

"Okay." said Cas, "Let's keep it simple. I'll tell your mind to focus on your life before the fire, on good stuff with Sam."

"That should work." said Dean, "And you need to put me to sleep and then follow as quickly as you can."

"If this doesn't work ... "

"It will." said Dean.

"But if it doesn't, it's not your fault. Angels don't really sleep." Cas opened his eyes and reached out to touch Dean's head. Out in the world, Dean's body fell into a deep sleep and his inner self found himself at home, still sitting on the floor with Cas, but infant Sammy lay on his tummy between them, playing with brightly coloured toys.

"Do you feel asleep?" said Dean.

"I'm not sure." said Cas, "But I do envy the human capacity to dream."


	75. Chapter 75

Dean looked at baby Sammy and gave him a red and yellow ball with a bell in it. Sam chuckled and dropped it. Cas picked it up for him.

"How's your body doing out there?" said Dean.

"Not asleep, but not far off, I think." said Cas.

Keep matching my heartbeat and breathing." said Dean, "Keep trying to move closer to being asleep." He thought of Sam waking in the other room and finding he had left his bed. The last thing they needed was Sam coming and waking both of them. "Do you think you can make sure Sam stays asleep?"

"From here? No. I'd need to be out there. Leaving aside the question of whether Sam would like the idea, Sam ... the real Sam doesn't exist in this place yet."

"Does that mean he could?" said Dean.

"Potentially, but it wouldn't be easy for any of us and could add an issue of instability. We're still learning how all this works. Let's not rush anything."

"Kinda your motto, these days." said Dean.

"Are you angry that I'm taking things slowly with Jules?" said Cas.

"No! That's none of my business. I'm just frustrated that you're hesitating because you think it won't be perfect ... for her. You see it as perfect for you, but not for her. Not worth her ... what? Time? Effort? What is she actually giving up for you? You're acting like you're taking her life savings, not just a little time and attention."

"It feels like I am." said Cas, "Jules survived the end of her world and made it here. For what? To end up with me?"

"What's wrong with that?"

Cas frowned. "My heartrate is increasing. I think this experiment has failed."

"No, I talk too much. Concentrate on the physical for a moment. Focus on pulse and breathing. Match mine as closely as you can. Above all, relax."

"Yes, This is not the time and place to discuss emotional matters." said Cas. He turned to play with the baby. After a while, he said, "Did you know that the sole of your brother's right foot is ticklish?"

"Hell yeah! You can get the weirdest noises out of him that way."

"Hard to believe something this small became ... "

"Yeah, I know." said Dean. He picked up the baby. "I carried him out of that fire and he's been carrying me ever since."

"It's sad that we had to go this far back for a happy dream." said Cas.

"Don't feel sorry for me, Cas. At least I have this. He doesn't remember this perfect time, when we were all together and the hardest choice I had to make was cream or ice cream on my pie." He cuddled Sam close and said, "I wish I could give you the memory of just one day with all of us here, Sam."

Cas closed his eyes and went very quiet. Dean said nothing. Cas seemed peaceful and relaxed.

Dean could hear his mother singing to herself in the kitchen. In his arms, baby Sam listened, eyes wide, loving the sound of her voice. "We got her back, Sam." said Dean.

"You okay, Cas?" said Dean, after a while.

"My body seems to be asleep, or very close to it." said Cas, not opening his eyes.

"How does it feel?" said Dean.

"Good." said Cas and Dean felt the power of the feeling behind that word, the strange, wonderful peace that had, for the moment, replaced the constant internal fears.

"Can you maintain the sleep state?" said Dean.

"I think so." said Cas, "I need to anchor my consciousness in yours. Then I should wake when you do."

"Go ahead." said Dean.

"I'm not sure how the dream thing works. It's possible I may dream and if so, there may be some blending of dreams."

"Understood." said Dean.

"Never call yourself dumb again." said Cas, "You came up with this idea and you made it work."

"You needed peace. I had to find a way to give you some."


	76. Chapter 76

At times, Dean could feel Cas coming close to waking. His mind was finding it hard to keep his body dormant and he could feel the thoughts that Cas was holding back, trying to sneak back in.

Each time, Dean managed to strengthen the walls and draw Cas back into the sparse, simple dream in the bright colours of his four year old mind. In that calm space, Cas seemed to be able to refocus on his physical state and bring his breathing and heart rate down.

After a few such interventions, Cas said quietly, "This is not very restful for you, is it? I can feel you working hard to keep me here."

"You've guarded my door, often enough." said Dean, "Don't worry. I can do this all night."

"Images are coming into my mind." said Cas.

"Good or bad?"

"Both."

"Probably dreams." said Dean, "Maybe you should have stopped yourself from having bad ones."

"I don't know how. Angels don't dream."

"Try now. Do it as if you were stopping my bad dreams." said Dean.

"I don't think I can." said Cas.

"Okay, then let them in here and I'll gank anything terrible."

Light filled the room and suddenly the room was gone. A vast sky, golden and glorious, was reflected in a flawless sea. Dean looked down at the sand at his feet and saw the sunlight sparkling off it. "What is this place?" he said to Cas, who stood beside him.

"The first time I fell in love." said Cas, "Listen!"

There was a sound that Dean could only call music, though no notes he recognised lay within it. It was the sound of the sunlight touching the sea, the sound of the grains of sand, moving over each other, the humming of a mother who would never give up on her children, or leave them, the joy of a father in the life he had created.

"It's home." said Cas.

"Heaven?" said Dean.

Cas smiled. "Better. It's Earth. It's your Earth."

"How can I hear what I'm hearing?" said Dean, feeling as if such powerful music should be melting his feeble human soul.

"Through me. Alone, you would be unable to access that music."

Dean listened to the insane beauty of it. The sea touched the shore and retreated, whispering adoration. Clouds chased across the sky and he heard their song too, rejoicing in the gift of life they bestowed with every rain.

Home was the only word that made sense; a place where he would always belong, a family from which he could never be exiled. He knew that tears were running down his face and then, Dean Winchester, who had no time for awe and associated fawning, fell to his knees in the sand, ready to worship the flawless creation of a creator he knew to be flawed.

After a long, beautiful time of watching and listening to the infant Earth and the joy of the nascent life in the seas, Dean looked up at Castiel. "How can you not hate us?"

"Hate you?" said Cas.

"You saw this and loved it and we broke it, over and over."

"You never saw this, never even imagined it," said Cas, "And yet you have fought for it over and over. You have died for it. You, whether you see it or not, are a part of this perfection, a part of the unbroken beauty of the world as it was supposed to be." He reached down and gripped Dean's arm, lifting him easily to his feet. "I fell in love here, with all of it, with all of you."

"We didn't exist." said Dean.

"Your ancestors are in the water. I didn't know what your final form would be, but I knew something incredible would arise here."

Still that word, "Home." lingered in his mind and he heard his mother's voice, singing in the distance. He heard Sammy chuckle. He heard his father say, "I love you, Dean." The angelic hand on his arm seemed still to be holding him upright, giving him the strength not to fall to the ground and sob for the things he had lost.

He felt Cas starting to wake again. Immediately, he left the body on the shore and found the walls he needed to hold against the world outside. He found himself speaking an incantation he didn't know, the rough sounds of Enochian speaking themselves from his throat and Cas was speaking them too.

"What was that?" he said, as they returned to the beach.

"I don't know." said Cas, "It came from you."

"I don't do Enochian magic."

"You're not a psychic, yet here we are." said Cas. He smiled. Jules was walking down the beach towards them and Dean was pleased to see only joy on Cas's face.

"Humanity is beautiful." said Cas.

"Yes, she is." said Dean, "Go and tell her so."

Behind her, he suddenly saw a body, laid out for burial. The corpse wore an archaic military uniform, so new and clean it didn't seem to have any wear and tear at all. When he saw the face, he couldn't speak. He looked at Cas and knew that he was seeing it too.

Jules was gone. Cas walked over to Jack's body. He knelt beside the bier and bowed his head.

Dean hurried over. "This isn't real!" he said, "Jack's in the bunker. He's fine."

Suddenly, the sky was full of voices screaming and they were all screaming at Cas, "Destroy the nephilim! Protect the humans! Serve Heaven! Defend the Earth! Don't feel! Don't question! Doubt is damnation! Fear is failure! Love is betrayal!"

"Come down here and say that!" said Dean. He realised he was holding a sword. "One at a time or all at once, makes no odds to me."

"Dean, what are you doing?" said Cas, slowly getting up.

"Guarding the door." said Dean, "First thing through it gets skewered."

"You're trying to fight a metaphor." said Cas.

"Won't be my first." said Dean, "What's the sword? Is that metaphorical too? Because if it exists, I want it."

"I believe you have it." said Cas.

"Come away from that corpse." said Dean, "That's metaphorical too."

"The son I'll sacrifice?" said Cas.

"You know we won't let that happen." said Dean.

"I was never supposed to feel these things."

"You were supposed to kill Jack before he could be born. So was I. Life is better when we don't do what we are supposed to."

"What if everything that ever went wrong is my fault, because I loved this world and its life too much?"

"Wow, that's quite a god complex for such a humble sky jockey."

"For what?" said Cas.

"You didn't break this world. Love is never evil."

"I had no right to love."

"I had no right to kill Death. Nobody gives you the right. You have to take it." said Dean.

Jack's corpse and all the funeral trimmings faded away. The beach was peaceful again.

"Thankyou." said Cas.

"Any time." said Dean. His sword was gone. "I'm unarmed."

"You're holding back an ocean of sorrows and you're keeping me in a state that should not exist for me. You're far from unarmed." said Cas.

"I am pretty badass in here, aren't I?" said Dean.


	77. Chapter 77

Dean opened his eyes moments before Cas did. He sat up. When Cas woke, he looked at him and said, "You okay?"

"Yes." said Cas, "You? You must be exhausted."

"I've had worse nights." said Dean, "I'm okay. I'm gonna take a shower. You go make some coffee."

"I can hear Sarah downstairs." said Cas, "Shall I tell her you are on your way so she can make breakfast?"

"No. It's okay. You just go downstairs."

In the shower, Dean took stock. He had a stiff shoulder from lying a little awkwardly all night and he was not entirely rested, but fighting someone else's demons made a change from fighting his own and he was basically okay. He didn't plan to make a habit of it, but no catastrophe had resulted from sharing his sleep with Cas.

When he got to the kitchen, Cas was making coffee and Sarah was frying bacon. "?I heard you moving around." she said, "How are you, today?"

"I'm great." said Dean, trying to loosen up his shoulder.

"Something wrong?" she said.

"I slept weird." he said.

"Understatement." said Cas.

"Just make the coffee, Cas." said Dean.

Sarah put a plate of bacon on the table. "There. Cure for all ills."

"You're a saint." said Dean as he sat down.

"Am I a saint?" said Cas, putting a cup of coffee each in front of him and Sarah, before sitting down with his own.

"You're an absolute angel." said Dean. He grinned.

"I know your opinion of angels too well to mistake that for a compliment." said Cas.

"You know I never think of you as that kind of angel." said Dean.

"I was once the worst of them. Dean, thanks for last night."

"That was quite something, huh?"

"What was?" said Sarah.

"We used the link to allow Cas to experience sleep. I thought it must be possible, but we actually did it."

"Dean did it." said Cas, "I was very much along for the ride."

"That's incredible." said Sarah, "And did it help?"

"It did." said Cas, "It took me away from all the fears and confusion and I was able to think clearly ... more clearly, anyway. I also had a wonderful dream."

"It was beautiful." said Dean, "And made my dreams look like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. He's working with much more sophisticated software."

"Your dream used the perceptions of a child." said Cas, "It was still beautiful."

"In a finger-painting kinda way." said Dean.

"It's not really fair to judge your own mind by the standards of an angelic one." said Sarah, "I still remember my first game of chess with Castiel. I wasn't much of a challenge to him."

"He and Jack are like grand masters or something." said Dean.

"I know what you did for me last night was no small thing for you." said Cas.

"Don't mention it." said Dean, "I didn't even know for sure it would work. I just knew you were in need of some rest."

"Using the link in a secure place which we are both able to consciously control is one thing. Trusting me enough to risk letting our unconscious minds into close contact was a leap of faith."

"Faith in you is not a huge gamble." said Dean.

"We both know that it often has been. You put yourself in a very vulnerable position last night."

"No big deal." said Dean, gazing into his coffee. He looked up when he heard Sam coming down the stairs.

"Good morning, Sam!" said Sarah, "Coffee's available now, breakfast will be a few minutes."

"Thanks." said Sam. He looked at Dean. "You must have gotten up early and quietly. You didn't wake me." he said.

"Good. I was trying not to."

Sam turned to Cas. "You look a lot better this morning. Less stressed. Less haunted."

"Yes," said Cas, "Sleeping with Dean turned out to be a transformative experience."

"Don't call it that!" said Dean.

"Say again?" aid Sam looking from one to the other.

"Not important." said Dean.

"Do either of you want to explain?" said Sam.

"And ruin all the fun you're having speculating?" said Dean.


	78. Chapter 78

After breakfast, Cas went out to spend some time with the bees and Sam followed him out. "If you need to be alone, that's fine, but in a few hours, Jules will be here and we should probably talk about what happens then."

"Yes." said Cas.

"So, how are you doing, Cas? You slept last night, right?" He was not going to miss a chance to tease the brother who had been teasing him his whole life, but he knew what Cas had meant.

"Thanks to Dean, yes."

"What was it like?"

"Hard to describe. I had a dream."

"Good or bad?"

"Mostly good. Dean held off all the terrible stuff ... most, anyway. I don't know how he was able to do it. He maintained control for both of us."

"And do you feel rested?"

"Yes. Humans are fortunate to have the gift of sleep. It's soothing and restorative and dreams are incredible. You were in Dean's dream. You were a baby."

"Was his dream good?" said Sam, hoping that it had been. He hoped Dean had used a little of his mental strength to keep his own dreams happy ones.

"Yes, you were both happy in your childhood home."

"That's great. Dean needs some good thoughts."

"Dean is winning the battle for his mind." said Cas, "He is stronger than he has been in years."

"How about you? Are you strong?" said Sam, "Maybe strong enough to kick those fears and make it work with Jules?"

"I'm better," said Cas, "Not less fearful, because my fears are real and will probably always be there, but more able to handle the fear and maybe to think beyond it."

"Because you don't have to ask her to leave the bunker." said Sam.

"There are still more reasons for her to be here than for her to stay there." said Cas, "But I acknowledge that my fears are a factor. I do worry that the more time we spend in close proximity, the more likely it is that I will say or do the wrong thing and she will hate me. I can't even maintain a good relationship with Dean."

"Neither can I. Neither can Dean." said Sam, "Don't judge your interpersonal skills by whether the most antisocial person on the planet sometimes says something harsh. Truth is, that's mostly his fears talking. He deals with fear of rejection by getting his rejection in first. Jules is not that insecure and you shouldn't be either."

"I have a lot more clarity now. I was confused. My fears were overwhelming and I was having trouble distinguishing between love, admiration and the carnal impulses of this human vessel."

"Carnal impulses can be a part of love." said Sam, "And admiration is required."

"I didn't want to draw her into a complicated and possibly doomed relationship if, on my side, it were just about sex."

"Cas, trust me, it isn't."

"No, it isn't." said Cas, "There are still problems. My many failures and mistakes don't inspire me with confidence, but I do at least know now what my feelings are."

"That's good. Now you just need to convince yourself that you have a right to those feelings and to a relationship with someone like Jules."

"Even if I do, I need to consider her safety. People around me die with disturbing regularity and even leaving aside the fatal aspects of a relationship with me, there is every chance I will make her unhappy."

"Bad stuff happens. Things go wrong. Believe me, I know how impossible it is to keep someone you love safe. My relationships have tended to end bloody. I still believe in love."

"But you don't pursue it any longer." said Cas.

"I want to. I would. If I met someone as perfect for me as Jules is for you, I'd get brave very fast."

"Would you?"

"Yes! Cas, she makes you happy. Don't be afraid of that, enjoy it. And don't look for the ending. Don't worry about how it could go wrong. Give it a chance to go right. Give Jules a chance. She deserves that. You deserve that. And if you're now thinking clearly, you know that you want that."

"I do want that." said Cas.

"Then grab a hold of it and fight for your happiness as fiercely as you fight for Heaven or for Dean or for Jack."

"I think I'm going to." said Cas, "But I need to do it my way."

"Yeah, we get that."

"And I need to be as honest with her as she's been with me. I keep holding back from telling her how I feel. I tell myself I don't know, but I think I've known for a while."

"Tell her." said Sam.


	79. Chapter 79

Dean watched Sam and Cas from the kitchen window. "What do you think they're talking about out there?"

"Jules, I hope." said Sarah.

"I hope so too." said Dean, "You don't think Sam thinks ... "

Sarah smiled. "You did have a chance to clarify. You chose not to take it. I suspect Sam is well aware that you're heterosexual. You don't do a great job of hiding it."

"Cas should be more careful how he phrases things."

"Castiel has no idea of the many layers of meaning in things that are said."

"I know. He's like a little kid."

"And you are far too bothered by this." said Sarah.

"It's Destiel stuff." said Dean.

"And Destiel is ... "

"You know the Supernatural books?"

"I know of them."

"They have fans and some of the fans have some weird ideas about us and the Destiel kind think Cas and I should ... you know ... be together."

"Oh." she said.

"I mean, there's fanfiction and everything. Stories where we call each other Babe and have sex ... really badly written sex ... written by frustrated females who have clearly never seen a man naked."

"You've read a lot of this stuff?" said Sarah.

"You get curious and you look and then you wish you hadn't looked, because you want to clean your eyes with bleach and I don't know if he knows about it and I don't know what he'll think if he ever finds out. I don't want him to think any of that applies to us in any way."

"Do you want me to talk to him?" she asked.

"No! God, no! He's confused enough. If he never knows it exists, everything will be great."

"You're probably right. Knowing it exists is clearly troubling you."

"Do you think I'm repressing feelings for him?"

"No." she said.

"Good. I'm not. Not those feelings."

"But others?" she said.

"I'm not denying I have strong feelings for Cas. Guy pulled me out of Hell. There's the cabin, Lisa, Purgatory, Sam and a couple of apocalypses he kinda helped us stop. That stuff doesn't leave without a trace. That stuff changes things forever."

"Of course." she said.

"And if I don't say it, it's not because I'm ashamed of those feelings or don't want him to know." He looked out of the window again, seeing Cas looking at Sam in a way that spoke of profound love and trust. "I wish I could be like Sam." he said.

Sarah began to fill the sink with water. He gently moved her aside. "You leave that. I can wash dishes." he said.

"Fine, but only if you keep talking." she said.

"What is there to say? There's not a relationship in my life I haven't screwed up, broken, betrayed ... And an angel of the Lord keeps on forgiving me and looking past all my mistakes and I would give my life ... I'd go to Hell again, forever, for him or for Sam. What I feel for them ... there are no words. I could spend my whole life looking for a way to tell them."

"I think they know, Dean."

"What good is 'I love you' when most of the people I've said it to died because of me? Including Castiel. And then some sixteen year old loser takes what she sees of us in a crumby book and twists it into some kind of tawdry hook-up. Not that I have a problem with tawdry hook-ups, but it's hard enough to tell Cas what he means to me, without all the Destiel crap complicating it."

"Are you eager to see him in a relationship with Jules because supporting it shows him and everyone else that you're not jealous?" said Sarah.

Dean gathered the dishes and put them into the water. "I want him to be happy."

"I know you do."

"But yeah, I also want him to know I'm not jealous in that way."

"But you are in another?"

He smiled. "I never had much I didn't have to share. I don't want him to be alone and I don't want him following me around like a lost puppy, but I also don't want him to disappear with Jules, here or anywhere else. The worst part is, he knows that, because of the link. He knows I don't want him to leave the bunker. What kind of friend puts his own insecurity above his best friend's happiness?"

"We all have thoughts and feelings we feel ashamed of. We all have moments when our feelings seem more important than anyone else's. The test of character is not whether you feel that way, but how you decide to respond to those feelings. Here you are, supporting him in finding happiness with what could be the love of his life. It's okay to have mixed feelings about it. It's human."

"There you go again, mistaking me for a human." he said.

"Last night shook you up a lot more than you're prepared to admit, at least to him."

"The mind curse ... link is always uncomfortable. Truth is, it feels more intimate than sex in some ways. Not that I'm saying it's sexual. Destiel is crap."

"Noted." said Sarah.

"But it's naked, mind on mind contact and weird enough when strongly and consciously controlled. Last night, we were both exposed in a way we never have been before and in a way, that was terrifying."

"And in a way it wasn't?"

"For years, I kept a faint memory of how it felt to be loved, completely and unconditionally, by someone who knew every thought in my head. That memory kept me going through some bad times and I never imagined I could have that again. Even when Mom came back, it wasn't there anymore. It's weird, but it's like I was grieving for it, even though she was there in front of me, because that feeling was gone, innocence, total trust."

"Understandable." she said.

"How is it understandable? I didn't trust Mom. I still don't. I want to, but I don't."

"She left you."

"Not by choice. I feel like I'm always waiting for her to leave again, like I want to be ready for it. Only I won't feel any less shocked and hurt and devastated when it happens, because I was ready for it. I realise this makes zero sense."

"It all makes perfect sense. Don't be too critical of your own thoughts. Give yourself permission to think and feel as you do."

"Last night, with Cas, there was that feeling I never thought I would find again. Don't ask me to explain it better than that, because I can't. I don't even know where it came from. I only know that I felt it again and it felt like I finally made it home."

"That's enough to leave anyone a little shaken." she said.

"Yeah, ya think?"


	80. Chapter 80

Cas walked around the hives, the flowers and the outbuildings, grateful for Sam's quiet company and aware that the silence was intentional. Sam was giving him time and space to think, but making sure he knew he was not alone. He also knew that Sam thought he was making a terrible mistake. He wished he could disagree.

If Jules agreed to move to the farm, she and Sarah would become friends. That was a gift to both of them and he often felt that anyone who endured him as a friend should be offered one of his better friends as a reward, or as a consolation. An angel should be selfless. A lover should desire only the happiness of his beloved. The fact that she would be further from him was nothing. The fact that he would miss her at every moment was less than nothing.

She dreamed of living on a farm and he could give her that dream. His dreams were unrealistic and selfish and would all be ended in a moment when Michael found a way through. Why reach for the stars, when your fate was to fall and fall and fall until there was nowhere left to go?

As they came around the corner of the barn, Dean was coming from the house. "You okay, Cas?" he said.

"Fine." said Cas.

"Great." said Dean and Cas could feel his disbelief.

"I think maybe we should wear the talismans." said Dean, "You don't want me in your head when you're talking to Jules."

Cas felt a moment of panic, then quickly quelled it, hoping Dean would not understand his fear. "No!" he said quickly, "I think we may need you. We may need the subtitles."

"You're sure? Because I don't want you to feel ... " Dean's voice trailed away and his mind said, "I'm trying not to interfere."

"I appreciate it." said Cas, "But I think I need both of you."

"Okay, then." said Dean, "Jules will be here very soon, so I'm gonna go in and be out of the way. Bring her in when you're both ready." In Cas's mind, he heard Dean say, "Don't do this stupid thing." Dean looked at Sam and said, "You should come in too."

"Yeah, in a second." said Sam. When Dean had gone, Sam said, "You're sure you don't want him to wear the talisman?"

"Sam, the talismans don't work."

"No, but the placebo effect ... "

"My ability to shield my thoughts from him through willpower is limited at the best of times. So far, I have failed every time to conceal thoughts and feelings related to Jules. He's going to pick up everything and if he's wearing the talisman when he does ... "

"He'll know they don't work."

"Exactly. I'm about to torpedo one of the most important relationships in my life. Don't expect me to tip my best friend into an abyss on the same day."

"If you know this will torpedo ... "

"Still the right thing to do." said Cas.

"You could move in here with her." said Sam.

"No, I really couldn't. I have responsibilities at the bunker."

"You mean to die when Michael attacks?"

"Thanks for your faith in my combat abilities." said Cas, "It really gives me confidence."

"I just want you to care about yourself a little." said Sam.

"Sam, I have embarked on a relationship with someone who deserves far better. I think that says a lot about my self-esteem."

"Yeah, it does, just not what you think it does."

Cas heard the sound of the jeep's engine. "She's coming." he said.

"Okay. I'll be in the house." Sam put a hand on his shoulder for a moment. "Remember, it's okay to want things for yourself. It's okay to fall in love. Consider other possibilities."

"I'm considering every possible possibility right now." said Cas, "Usually, you say I think too much."

Sam smiled uncertainly and went to the house. Cas went around to the front of the building and watched Jules drive up and park a respectful distance from the Impala. He walked over and opened the door for her.

"I've missed you." she said, getting out.

"I've only been gone two days." he said.

"I missed you in the first few minutes." she said, "It's fine. You don't have to miss me. It's different for angels, I know. You think in much larger slices of time. To me, two days without you feels like forever."

"I'm sorry." he said, "Dean needed me here."

"I know. I get it. I told you to come here. It's just good to see you again, even if you are about to tell me something I don't wanna hear." She kissed him.

"Before we get to the stuff you may not like," he said, "I need to tell you something."

"Go on."

"I need you to know that I did miss you. When you're not around, I hunger for your presence. I crave your closeness. You're in every thought, every hope. I think of you more often than I think of Heaven and thinking of Heaven is pretty much the main point of my existence, the thing for which I was created."

She took his hand and smiled.

"I don't know if it's blasphemy to love you or blasphemy not to, but I can no longer deny that I love you. I know I will never deserve you, but ... "

She put her hand over his mouth and said, "Stop at, 'I love you.' That's the part that matters." She moved her hand away.

"I do love you." he said, "I do."

They kissed again, slipping easily into each other's arms. He didn't feel awkward or self-conscious or confused, just safe and happy and devoted to his beautiful hunter.

Then, in his head, he heard music. The song was I'm a Believer and he knew where it came from before he saw Dean at the window. "Back off, Dean!" he said firmly in his mind.

"Sorry." came the reply, "Just thought the right soundtrack might help."

"Stop it." Cas said in his head. He looked at Jules. "Sorry. Dean is abusing the mind connection in order to interfere. He's playing music in my head. He means well."

"Can he hear what we're saying?" she said.

"He can pick up a lot of my thoughts and my stronger feelings, We're getting more control over it. I don't think he would intentionally listen in. He just wants to help. I have to let him, because if I asked him to wear the talisman and he still picked something up, he'd lose all faith in the talismans and his faith in them is letting him do amazing things right now."

"We probably need him anyway. You say you love me, but I feel like you're about to ditch me."

"I'm not." he said, "Everyone says that's how you'll take it, but I swear I'm not."

"I don't ask you for much, Cas, and that won't change, but I will ask one thing. Don't be the next person to decide I'm not worth the effort. It hurts every time, but nobody else who made that decision ever mattered to me like you do."

"People have done that?" he said.

"Yes, they have." she said.

"I never will." he promised, "I never could."

"Then whatever you say here, it's okay." she said.

"Are you ready to go in there with me?" he said.

"Maybe, maybe not. This isn't easy."

"No." he said.

"But you're worth the effort too. Let's face the relationship committee."


	81. Chapter 81

Sam opened the door as Cas and Jules reached it. "Come in, Jules." he said, "It's good to see you."

"Thanks, Sam." she said.

"I just wanna say, we feel as weird about us being involved in this as you do. I'm sorry about this whole thing."

"It's all fine." said Castiel, taking her into the parlour, where Dean and Sarah were waiting.

"This is a lovely place." said Jules to Sarah.

"I'm glad you like it." said Sarah, "Sit down, everybody."

Cas sat on the couch, Jules beside him. He took her hand and held it.

Sarah went on, "Jules, dear, Castiel has a suggestion which he wants you to consider. It will seem like he's trying to put some distance between you, but he assures us that is not the case."

"I think you should come and live here, with Sarah." he said, "You've always wanted to be on a farm and Sarah would love to have some chickens again, but needs some help taking care of them and you didn't want to leave Kansas but you do want to leave the bunker. This is in Kansas, but isn't the bunker." He felt her grip on his hand increase.

She looked at Sarah. "You're right. That sounds a lot like goodbye."

"Yes," said Sam, "But it isn't."

"Are you sure?" she said.

"Cas is sure." said Dean, "The thought of losing you terrifies him. If you could see the ice storm in his mind right now, you'd know that."

"Why don't you want me in the bunker?" she asked Cas.

"I do." he said.

"No." she said, "You want me to be here. I get that you need your space and I've tried to respect that, but that's a lot of space. If I'm making you feel trapped, just say so."

Cas knew the red hot pain lashed into Dean's mind with no warning. In return, Dean's mind cried out in his. Both of them slumped forward. Cas forced his own pain into submission and then focused on blocking the contact with Dean's mind.

"No," said Dean aloud, "Don't do that, you son of a bitch!"

Cas visualised iron shutters closing between them. He looked at Jules. "I'm sorry. They were right. This was a mistake."

"Good!" said Sam, "So everyone stays at the bunker, right?"

"Wrong." said Cas.

"Castiel ... " began Sarah.

"I've done enough harm." he said.

"You are ditching me." said Jules.

"No he isn't." said Sam.

"Yes." said Cas, "Not because I want to, but because you deserve better than this. I thought I could make it work if you were here. You'd be safe from Michael and Sarah would have company and you wouldn't go too far away. But you saw what I did to Dean. You know I am a bad friend. I would make a worse lover." He let go of her hand,

Dean raised his head. "Cas, this is panic. None of this is what you said to me."

"This is the realisation that there are things I cannot have." said Cas.

"I can help you calm down." said Dean, "Raise the damn shutters!"

"No. I hurt you."

"Nothing you have ever done has hurt me like you are hurting me now." said Dean.

Sarah patted Dean's knee. "Just give him a moment, Dean."

"He feels trapped." said Dean, "He's saying this stuff because he's scared."

"Yes." said Sarah. She smiled at Castiel. "Remember when I was going to sell the farm?"

"Yes." he said.

"You asked me not to."

"Yes."

"And I gave up the idea right away." she said.

"Yes."

"And later, when I thought about it, I knew you stopped me because you knew I was giving up. It was more about missing my son than not wanting the responsibility for this place."

"Yes." he said again. He remembered knowing that if he did not persuade her, she would be dead within a year.

"You're selling your farm, my dear and I must ask you not to."

Jules took his hand again. "We need to get you out of here for a minute." she said, "Where can we go?"

"Show her your room, dear." said Sarah.

"Perfect!" said Jules.

He took her upstairs and sat disconsolately on the bed. "I really didn't mean to hurt you, or to end what we had, whatever it was." he said.

"You said you love me." she said, "Is that true?"

"Yes. Not to blame you, in any way, but this would all have been a lot easier if you were less beautiful."

"Because you'd never have been attracted to me?"

"No, because I would have recognised the nature of the attraction a lot sooner. I fell in love with your soul, but for a while, I was confused, because my eyes were in love with your face."

She sat on the bed beside him. "Your head is full of this mess, isn't it?" she said.

"Not as much as it has been." he said, "I slept with Dean last night and that clarified a lot of things."

She froze, staring at him, then she smiled. "And by slept, you mean slept."

"Yes. That is the only meaning of sleep I know."

"Glad I cleared that up, because fighting Dean for you would not have made any of us happy."

"I don't understand." he said. Once again, a human had gone off on a tangent that made no sense and he wondered what flaw in his angelic mind made a simple conversation so confusing. "I'm very stupid, aren't I?"

"This is why you need me close, to counter all the negative stuff you think about yourself. Why did you want to send me away?"

"I don't, but there are a hundred good reasons for you to be here and the only reason for you to be at the bunker is that I want you with me."

"And that would be enough of a reason." she said.

"From here, you can run your team. You can have this room."

"What about you?" she said.

"I don't need a room." he said.

"This bed is big enough for two." she said.

"It is a big bed, yes." he said.

"We've already shown that we can share a room very comfortably." she said.

"I can't leave the bunker." he said, "Michael will come after Jack and Dean."

"And when Michael is defeated?"

"I'll be dead." said Cas.

"Is that your intention?"

"It's my assumption." he said.

"Is there any situation where you don't assume the worst?" she said.

"That's not the worst. The worst possible outcome is that everyone else dies and I live, alone, forever."

She gently removed his tie and threw it onto the pillow behind him. "I want to present an argument for sharing this room, at least sometimes." she said, gently pushing him back to lie on the bed.

"You have my full attention." he said.

She started to kiss him, light, soft kisses across his face. Whenever she found his lips, she stayed for more lingering kisses and he began to return the kisses, ever more ardently. "I want to be clear," she said, "This is communication, not distraction. Words don't seem to work."

"This works." he said. He rolled them both over and kissed her again. "I love you." he said. They kissed for some time and soon his human body started making plans of its own. He smiled at her and she smiled at him and for a moment, it seemed they might both want to take things further, but even as he kissed her again, he heard Dean's voice in his mind say, "Cas?"

He closed his eyes and sighed.

"What is it?" she said.

"Dean, back in my head." he said.

"Worst possible moment." she said.

"Only possible moment. As soon as I stopped concentrating on keeping him out."

"Are you saying we'll never ... "

"No! At least, I hope not. We need to work on closing the link at times when one of us needs his head to himself. We'll find a way."

"Cas, I'm feeling very insecure right now. I need you to find something to call me."

"What's wrong with Jules?"

"I mean some designation. Girlfriend, maybe?"

"That seems too belittling. You're a better hunter than I am. To compare you to a juvenile doesn't feel right."

"You're a feminist?"

"I don't think so. I just respect your maturity and skills."

"How about lover?" she said.

"Sounds good. Sounds wonderful. But could be called inaccurate."

She kissed him. "Premature, maybe. Not inaccurate."

He smiled. "Fine. We're lovers. Today has been an eventful one in our relationship."

"Next time you get scared, don't try to end it. Just talk to me."


	82. Chapter 82

"Damn it!" said Dean.

Sam looked up. "What?"

"Almost had it then, but he blocked me again." said Dean.

Sam thought about pointing out that he had kept saying he wanted it stopped, but he didn't.

Instead, Sarah said, "Don't try to re-establish it now, Dean. He has good reason not to want you in his head right now."

"We need someone up there with him." said Dean.

"We have someone. Her name is Jules and she has a much better chance of calming his fears than we do, especially if we're feeling threatened and angry and hurt."

"I'm not feeling any of those things." said Dean in his, "Yes, I'm lying, but if I say it loudly enough, you won't dare argue" voice.

"Would you like to do some shopping for me?" Sarah asked. Sam was surprised by the question and almost as surprised by the way it seemed to immediately soothe his brother.

"I'd love to." said Dean, "Write me a list."

Sarah picked up a small notepad and pen from the table in front of her and started to write.

"You need any help?" said Sam.

"No." said Dean, "You stay here, with Sarah." He took the list Sarah offered him.

"Who's babysitting who?" said Sam.

"As far as I'm concerned, you're both babysitting Cas. Is that okay with you?" said Dean.

"Yeah, of course." said Sam.

"So stay with Sarah. Talk and stuff. I won't be long." He glanced at the ceiling, frowning uncertainly.

"He'll be fine." said Sarah, "You go." When he reached the door, she added, "Drive carefully."

"Yes, Mom." he said, but his smile was not a mocking one.

When Dean had gone, Sam said, "Well, he was subtle."

"Don't be upset that he worries about you, His childhood trained him that way and he doesn't know how to stop. And if you're honest, it's not like you don't give him good reason."

"I guess. I wish he didn't worry so much. I want a day to come when he doesn't have to worry about anyone but himself."

"I don't think he'd want that, however much we might want it for him." she said, "You should take the lack of subtlety as a compliment. Like me, he has discovered that you don't fall for the subtle stuff, so sometimes he doesn't bother trying."

"Is he okay? I mean, is there something I should know?"

"He's good. If he seems on edge, it's because he's working through a lot of stuff that goes right to the heart, right to that little kid who never felt loved or heard. It's like that little boy is slowly finding his way home and it's not an easy road, but it will all be worth it."

"That sounds good to me." said Sam.

"And now that he's getting so close, I need to make sure his little brother gets home too."

"His little brother is just fine." said Sam.

"His little brother has been far from fine for almost as long as he has."

Sam smiled. "When you took on three new sons, I bet you didn't know you were taking on the three most dysfunctional men on the planet."

"I never think of you that way." she said, "You boys have all been very good to me. Yes, you have some baggage, but so do I. You have off days and bad coping strategies and it's sometimes hard to get a straight answer out of any of you, but I wouldn't trade any of you for an easier option."

"I do see what you mean about juggling eggs." he said, "Dean and Cas do seem pretty fragile."

"And you're trying so hard not to." she said, "Because you don't want to be a burden or have anybody worrying over you. It's noble and it's brave, my dear, but so unnecessary. You could never be a burden to me and I need to help you. I need to see how tall you can be when that terrible weight is lifted off your shoulders."

"I'm okay." he said, "Really. I'm fine."

"As fine as Castiel? As fine as Dean?"

"I'll admit, I have issues. I always will have issues. Mine can't be fixed. They're part of me, of who I am, of what I've done. Sometimes they hurt, but I can live with the pain. It's like a war wound."

"That' exactly what it is." she said, "And I spent many years helping people to heal from the psychological and emotional wounds caused by war."

"Well, maybe, when all this is over, we can talk about that. For now, too many people rely on me. They need me thinking of them, not myself."

"Have you ever done anything for yourself?"

"You should ask Dean about that." said Sam, "He can be pretty eloquent on the subject."

"Dean says things when he's angry that he would never otherwise say." she said.

"Are you going to claim he doesn't mean them?" said Sam.

"I wish you could hear what he says about you behind your back. The Sam your brother sees is not selfish at all. Don't listen to his angry words. Look at the love he has shown you your whole life. Dean doesn't love lightly and those he loves are very special people."

"I wish I could be more worthy of his love. The things he has done for me ... I didn't deserve any of them."

"His whole life is loving you." she said, "And in the darkest moments, that was the only light he had."


	83. Chapter 83

Cas kissed Jules tenderly and said, "You are so beautiful."

"Cas, I'm a four or five at best. You're a ten on a bad day."

"I may be able to cure the imperfection in your vision." he said, "My own eyes are perfect."

She smiled up at him. "Yes, they are."

He smiled back. "Don't do that smile thing. It's hard to resist."

"Why resist?" she said. She undid a button of his shirt. Lose the coat, shed the shirt ... "

"I wish I could." he said, his hand gently stopping hers from undoing the next button, "But if I don't concentrate on keeping the link closed, Dean will catch what I'm feeling."

She stroked his neck. "We need to find a way to turn the link off." she said, "I don't want an audience either, but this stinks."

"Yes, it does." he said. He flopped down beside her and looked at the ceiling. "You know, Dean can only pick up my thoughts and emotions. He can't see or feel yours. We can't do anything that might make me feel unduly good, but I could stimulate the pleasure centres in your brain and give you intense pleasure any time."

"That's the strangest offer I've ever had," she said, "And it's tempting, but I think I'd prefer the old-fashioned way."

"My way is actually older." he said, "We angels have been around a long time."

"You know what I mean." she said, "We'll wait until Dean isn't riding shotgun in your head."

"Maybe Rowena can find some way to switch the link off."

Jules looked worried. "I know she's been useful, but I don't think I'd let her get too involved with my mind. She's morally ambivalent, to say the least."

"Yes, she is and I wouldn't trust her lightly, but this situation frustrates me."

"I know. It frustrates me too. You've been blocking the link for some time to make Dean think the talismans work. Isn't it possible to just keep doing that?"

"No, because, every time I failed, it was because my feelings for you were involved. I can control my normal thoughts and feelings with ease, but the intensity of my feelings for you will brook no interference. We kiss and my mind is a neon sign, shouting your name in light."

"I love it when you say things like that." she said, "Could you knock Dean out? I mean, with his consent, obviously. I'm sure he doesn't want to eavesdrop."

"He hates me doing that and it wouldn't work. The link still works when he's asleep. That's how he enabled me to sleep last night."

She looked at him for a long time and he wondered what her expression meant. She seemed uneasy and awkward and that was usually his thing. Finally, she said, "Human minds are pretty much yours to play with, aren't they? I mean, angels in general, not just you. Just how far do your powers extend?"

"I haven't found their limits." he said, "I can edit your memory, change your thoughts, force information from you, put you to sleep, knock you unconscious or kill you, pretty much as I like."

"That got a lot darker a lot quicker than I was hoping." she said.

"I wish I didn't have those powers." he said.

"And you'd never use them?" she prompted.

He sat up, knowing that his answer could not be the one she wanted, from the Castiel she thought she knew. "I have." he said, "And I have used them in ways that fill me with shame. I have done unspeakable things. I have committed terrible wrongs."

"By choice?"

"It never seemed so at the time, but there is always a choice." he said.

She sat up and gently pushed him back down. "I've done some messed up things too. We all have. Don't think about the bad stuff. It could hurt Dean and it can't be good for you."

"Doesn't it bother you?" he said.

"Some of it scares me," she said, leaning over to stroke his hair with gentle fingers, "But I look in your eyes and I see nothing but good. Whatever you did, you felt you had to do. I'm not about to beat you up about it."

"When you get back to the bunker, ask for some angel-killing bullets. Make sure you always have a couple with you. I wish I could promise never to be a threat to you, but I can't. What I can do is say that if you need to put me down, you should do it without a second thought."

"This is suicidal thinking." she said.

"This is being realistic." he said.

"I could never kill you."

"That may change. You may have to." he said, "Heaven can control me and I have proven very easy to corrupt and manipulate. At all times, in all things, protect yourself. That's what this Castiel, the real, untainted Castiel, who loves you, truly wants. If you must strike me down to be safe, do it."

"No." she said, "That's too high a price for my safety."

"I have never used my powers against you. I have never altered your thoughts. It is not my intention ever to do so." he said, "But my intentions have failed before. I am flawed."

"No, you're not." she said, "You have the purest heart of anyone I know. I trust you."

"So does Dean, though he knows better." said Cas.


	84. Chapter 84

Dean had parked in front of a liquor store. The shopping had been a welcome distraction, but Dean's headache from the explosion of Cas's pain and fear and his own frantic attempts to reopen the link was only getting worse.

He knew Sarah was right that Cas had good reason not to want witnesses in his head as he talked things through with Jules, or maybe tried to communicate on a more physical level, but the initial slamming shut of Cas's mind had not been for that. It had been a reaction to the pain he had caused Dean, a confused and frightened child, dropping the knife with which he had unintentionally cut his brother. He wanted to tell him it was okay. He wanted to take away some of the guilt the angel wore like that coat, or at least not add to it.

He had felt Cas's firm "Nope!" often enough that morning to know he should not try to communicate again. It hurt every time, both worsening his headache and making him feel once more the savage rejection that he could not resent, because only love drove it, a wish to do him no more harm. He had hated all his life the attempts by those who loved him to protect him by pushing him away.

He knew they hated him doing it too, but that should make them know they shouldn't do it to him and Cas, above all, who knew him better than anyone, who saw inside his head, knew how much it hurt.

He smiled at his own irrational anger. He knew what it did to his own loved ones and he still did it. Poor Cas, in that moment, had only been able to think of one thing, that he had hurt Dean and needed to stop. Dean was equally single-minded when it came to protecting Sam and the very reason why he wanted to force the link open again was that he needed, with every atom of his being, to protect Cas, to get him out of his confusion and fear and self-loathing and make him see that he had every right to want love.

Cas hated himself for no reason. Any time he made a mistake, it was engraved on some slab of stone in his mind, to be remembered and regretted forever. He forgave himself nothing, excused nothing. Dean's errors or Sam's, he could forgive and understand and explain away. His own mistakes were unacceptable.

Dean knew, especially after all his time with Sarah, that his own attitude to mistakes was much the same and at times could even admit to himself that it was as foolish, but Cas was the one he cared about. Dean's own issues made his life harder, but Cas was currently sabotaging his best chance for an actual relationship with a woman who loved him. Dean had never ...

Well, okay, he probably had done that, or similarly stupid things. He still thought Cas took it further and was more messed up. Sometimes he felt it had been an illusion that Cas had pulled him out of Hell. Sometimes he felt he had pulled Cas in.

He looked at the worn front of the liquor store. Some whisky would be good just now. It would soften the pounding in his head and slow down his racing thoughts.

He was oddly haunted by the image of Jack from Cas's dream the night before, dead and lying in state, looking like a young officer, killed before his boots got muddy. However much they knew him to be their best weapon, all three of them saw Jack as an idealistic child. who would march into Heaven or Hell at their command ... at their request. Hell, on their whim.

The sight of that corpse had paralysed Cas and those accusations from the sky had been his punishment for failing Jack. A good friend would tell him Jack would not die like that, but Dean knew he could not say that with any confidence.

Although he truly believed that Jack was the only one with a chance of defeating Michael, Dean also knew that one mistake could lead to exactly that ending, the gentlest and purest of superhuman, interdimensional killing machines, dead, lost forever. Cas would never recover from that loss. He would never accept or understand it. He would blame himself, even though Dean knew it would be his fault.

That terrible loss, which had not yet happened, felt as if it had, to Cas. Already, he was preparing the anger and hatred he would unleash on himself for letting Jack down. With all the other things for which he blamed himself, he kept that hypothetical barb as sharp as all the others. It was as much Jack's death as the loss of Sam's soul that kept Cas from believing he had a right to happiness with Jules.

A better friend would be back at the farmhouse, waiting to talk to him, begging him to listen, battering at the shutters on his mind, if necessary, to make him hear. He had taken the offered excuse to leave, to run away, but it had been Sarah's idea to offer the excuse and she had not seemed disappointed in him when he took it. Maybe she felt, as he had, that he was too involved, too troubled, to offer Cas the unconditional, unconfused support he needed.

He still felt like a poor sort of friend. He pondered again the allure of a nice, unquestioning bottle of whisky.

He almost tried to contact Cas again, but the thought of those shutters slamming down again stopped him. Cas was very much in control of the link, which was good, except that he shouldn't have needed to be. All he had to do was put on the talisman and no mental traffic could transfer. Was Castiel determined to learn total control of the link or was there some other reason for his decision not to be protected by the talisman?

He was also beginning to wonder why he was even thinking about that. Maybe he had taken too long a break. Deprived of the challenge of hunting, his mind was making its own entertainment by giving him a whole heap of new anxieties to play with. He dismissed the thought. Whatever his time with Sarah might be, it was never unchallenging.

His hand reached for the car door. He thought he probably needed that whisky.


	85. Chapter 85

"You believe me, that I have never altered your thoughts or controlled you?" said Cas.

Jules smiled at him. "No offence, but if you were in control of both our minds, I think this relationship would be running a lot more smoothly. Or if you were in control of either of our minds."

He felt a little offended, but then he had to concede the point. "You're right." he said, "Why are you tolerating all this again? Because I'm not seeing any great benefit to you."

She stroked his cheek and then kissed it. "Because I'm not like you, Cas. I know I'm worth something. I know I deserve someone who loves me, who respects me."

"Someone better than an angel that even other angels hold in contempt." he said.

"If you'd lived through the apocalypse on my world, you'd have as little respect for the opinions of angels as I do." she said.

"I'm an angel." he pointed out.

"Those angels, dumb angels, who think they're better than us, but who kill to feel the power of taking a life. If that kind of angel doesn't like you, it's because you are way above them."

"I once tried to be God." he said.

"I'd worship you." she said, "In fact, I do."

"Don't say things like that." he said, feeling his cheeks become hot.

"Look at you, trying not to smile." she said, "I love you so much!"

"I love you too." he said.

"It's so good to hear you say that."

"I would have said it sooner. It wasn't because of you that I didn't. Part of me was confused by feelings I was never supposed to feel and part of me, I suppose, wasn't sure there was a me behind the I. What is an angel that no longer serves Heaven?"

"An angel with some sense." she said.

"Since before the fall ... since my fall, I have felt lost and broken and defective. My mistakes are legion and the harm I have done can never be undone or mitigated or excused. I know no penance will ever make up for my evil actions or my well-intentioned errors of judgement. To offer you a heart so mired in misery and shame seemed an unforgivable insult. I didn't know what to do."

"I can fix pretty much anything, given time." she said, "So what you do is this. You give me your broken, scarred, poisoned heart and I keep the pieces safe, where nobody, including you, can cause them more harm. Then, one by one, we fix and heal and restore them. You're not evil, Cas. You're just very deeply wounded. I'll help you to heal, but you need to know this, now and always, just as you are at this moment, I love and accept you. If nothing ever changes, I will still love you."

"That's quite a commitment." he said.

"Yes, it is. I'll take your heart, whatever its condition and I'll love and protect it as if it were my own."

"It is yours." he said.

"Speaking of conditions, my love for you is unconditional, but ... moving here ... that won't be. I'll condition the Hell out of it. I'll condition it like it's Sam's hair."

"He does have beautiful hair."

"He's not alone in that." she said, stroking his hair. "What I mean is that if I come to live here, you're going to have to make certain promises, including that you won't use it as an excuse to avoid me."

"Why would I want to avoid you? When I'm with you, I feel more alive than I ever have."

"That's good. That's lovely. I need time with you, Cas. I need to spend a lot of nights in your arms, a lot of days in your orbit."

"And you're not afraid of my powers?"

"I am afraid of your powers." she said, "And I know you can't promise not to use them against me, when Naomi is a skilled puppeteer, but I can't promise not to get hexed or possessed and attack you. We live in dangerous times."

"But you have an anti-possession tattoo." he said.

"Yes, I do. Maybe that was a bad analogy."

"I doubt it. All your analogies are adorable." he said.

She chuckled. "Cas, you flirt!"

He smiled. "That was pretty smooth, wasn't it?"

"Not at all." she said, "But that's part of your charm."

"I have charm?" he said hopefully.

"Charm, kindness and compassion." she said, "A winning combination. You also have my heart, for as long as you want it. I know forever is not a comfortable concept for you, all those disclaimers and sub clauses, but even if we have to do this minute to minute, I want you to know that all my minutes are yours."

"Even if I stay forever fallen?"

"You didn't fall. You rose."

"Well, I have fallen now and heavily. I wish my heart were more worthy of you, but it's yours and I promise to try, every day, not to screw this up, end it, run away or otherwise remind you how insane you are to love me."

"That sounds like quite a commitment too. I'm lucky to have the chance to love someone like you."

"Hidebound, predictable, chaotic, arrogant, unreliable, selfish, needy, greedy, weak and prideful."

"You realise half those things contradict each other?"

"Also contradictory."

"I love you anyway." she said.

"I was hoping that might be the case."

"If you're ready ... and please say if you're not ... we should go down and rejoin the others."

"Yes, we should." he said, "I'm worried about Dean."

"And I'm worried about you being worried about Dean. I know what happened freaked you out."

"Causing him pain is the last thing I want to do, but I seem to do it a lot."


	86. Chapter 86

  
"Which are you more worried about at the moment, Cas or Dean?" Sam asked Sarah.

"Still leaving yourself off the list?" she said.

He smiled. "Yeah, forever. They're the two frying each other's brains and feeling bad about it. You could tell Cas that Jules can't live here."

"Have you considered advising him to move here with her?" she said.

"He wouldn't consider it. He's very protective of Dean and Jack. I'm not sure how Dean would take it either. He acts like he's fine with it, but if Cas left the bunker, I'd worry about Dean. I don't get why Cas and Jules can't just stay in the bunker together."

"It's hard for me to come down on either side. I would love to have Jules here, but not if it's his way of pushing her away. He and Dean are both so good at destroying their own chances for happiness and making it seem like a rational decision."

"Yeah, it's a gift."

They heard footsteps upstairs and the bedroom door opening. "Sounds like they're coming down." said Sarah, "I'll make some tea." She went to the kitchen. Sam followed her and put out the cups as she filled the kettle.

Cas reached the kitchen first. "Where's Dean?" he said, looking troubled as Jules came in behind him.

"Dean's fine." said Sam.

"He's just getting some groceries for me." said Sarah.

"Oh. Good." said Cas.

"So, are you two still together?" said Sam.

"It does seem like we need to issue hourly bulletins, doesn't it?" said Jules.

"Not anymore." said Cas, hastily adding, "The bulletin thing, not the together thing. We are together. We are staying together. We're aware that the odds are against us, that Heaven is a constant threat and ... "

"Cas, don't do the whole list." said Jules.

"The whole list doesn't matter." said Cas, "Because this is worth fighting for."

"Glad to hear it!" said Sarah.

"Whether Jules moves here or not, we still need to discuss." said Cas.

"I've told him there will be conditions." said Jules, "And of course, it depends on what you think about it."

"Now and always, my dear, this house is yours anytime. I'd let you use the study for your hunters and you can use Castiel's room if he's really fine with that."

"We can share when he's here." said Jules, "If that doesn't offend you."

"I'm never offended by love." said Sarah, "But I do have conditions to add for Castiel. If Jules is to live here, Castiel, you must come to see her often. You must stay in contact. You must talk to her. I am not allowing my house to be the reason your relationship dies."

"That was my main condition too." said Jules.

"I'll be here whenever I can." said Cas, "Of course, it was a lot easier with my wings."

The front door opened and Dean came in, carrying groceries. "Hey, everyone!" he said. He looked at Sarah, "I got everything. Drive carefully, huh?"

"I'm sorry?" she said.

"Clever." he said.

"What is it, Dean?" she said.

Sam wanted to know too. There was an anxious, desperate look on Dean's face he didn't like at all. "What's happened?" he said.

Cas physically backed away and Sam knew he was mentally withdrawing too, trying to avoid too close a connection.

"I screwed up." said Dean, "Like you knew I would, Sarah."

"I knew nothing of the kind." she said, "Screwed up how?"

"I went to a liquor store. I was gonna get hammered."

"How much did you buy?" said Sarah.

"None. Two words from you and I couldn't."

"Then you didn't screw up, Dean. More than that, you were under stress and you felt an impulse to return to an unhealthy coping strategy and you overcame it. Well done."

"You don't think I shouldn't have had that impulse?" he said.

"I wish you didn't, but switching it off isn't that simple. The important thing is that you resisted it. You did something better. You came back here."

"She's right." said Sam.

Dean looked at Cas. The two of them shared a moment of uneasy eye contact, guilt on both sides, on each side, completely unnecessary. "You okay, Cas?" said Dean.

"Yes. You?" said Cas.

"You should have put on the talisman." said Dean.

"You're probably right." said Cas, "But I wanted to see if I could control the link without the talismans."

"Yeah, I thought that would be it. I mean, it was either that or ... "

"Sarah's making tea." said Sam.

Dean didn't take his eyes off Cas's face. "So, you and Jules?"

"Very much still a thing." said Cas. Sam could see the determination on his face. Cas was still keeping the link closed.

"You're getting good at that." said Dean.

"We have to." said Cas.

"Yeah, it's good." said Dean, "No talismans required." His voice shook a little. Sam could see how painful it was to him.

Cas showed no sign of his own feelings, but the blank look in his eyes told Sam how hard it was for him to lock Dean out. He tried to help. "Look, everyone's stressed and tired and we should all just ... "

"It's fine." said Dean, "It's what we always intended to do, to get control of the link so we can prevent oversharing. It's great. It's important."

Cas headed for the door, his sudden decision to turn his head away from them as eloquent to Sam as his tense shoulders and the stiffness in his neck and arms. "I'll just check on the bees." he said, leaving in some haste.

Dean glanced at Jules. "Is he okay?" he said.

"I think he is if you are." she said.

"I'm always okay." said Dean. He looked at the door. After what seemed to Sam an eternity, he turned to Sarah and said, "Should I?"

"I would." she said. As he passed her on the way to the door, she took his arm a moment and said, "No guilt. Your guilt hurts both of you and achieves nothing."

"Understood." he said.


	87. Chapter 87

Dean joined Cas at Meg's hive. Cas was running his hands around the roof of the hive and the bees were beginning to gather around him.

"Cas," he said, "Can we talk for a minute?"

"I'm sorry." said Cas, turning to face him.

"You have nothing to apologise for. I, on the other hand ... The stuff I said this morning was ... "

"You said I was hurting you. That was the truth. You said I was hurting you more than anything I'd ever done."

"Yeah and that wasn't true." said Dean, "I was scared."

"You were angry and you had a right to be."

"No, I sounded angry. I was scared. You were in distress, ready to wreck everything with Jules and I couldn't stop you or help you to think clearly. In fact, I was just making things worse."

"I hurt you. That blast from my mind to yours ... " said Cas.

"Sarah doesn't think guilt is helpful in situations like this. You know what? I think she's right. Let's get away from the bees and talk about this properly. I can go grab the talismans if you like. I don't think you should be without their protection right now."

"No." said Cas, "There's no need for them."

"Or you could reopen the link and we could do this at Bobby's."

"We can talk by the creek." said Cas.

Dean shrugged and they walked together to the trees by the creek. They both sat on the bank, watching the water flow over small stones. Dean looked up from contemplating the water and Cas reluctantly met his gaze.

"This thing we have," said Dean, "It should make this stuff easier. We should be able to talk about anything, with no holding back, no half-truths, no fear. It should be easy, right?"

Cas said nothing.

"Yeah, right, we both know that's a bunch of crap. That level of honesty, it's not sustainable. We both need to be able to back away into our corners. We need to lie and distract and deny. We've faced demons together and the one thing we truly fear is an honest conversation."

"True." said Cas.

"But we need to have one now, because the things I said were just said in the heat of the moment. It hurt me that you shut me out, but other stuff has hurt me worse. I said I'd choose my words more carefully around you. Well, that didn't last long, did it? But it was pure panic. I wanted you to let me in, to let me help you. You were in a tailspin and I knew I could get you to calm down if you would let me try."

"I'm sorry." said Cas, "Without the protection of the talismans, without any warning, my mind attacked yours."

"No." said Dean, "Your mind lashed out in pain. It wasn't aimed at me. It wasn't intentional, even on some unconscious level. I just happened to be able to receive what your mind threw out."

"The pain was still real." said Cas.

"Pain is not a problem for me. You think that little flash of it damaged me? It didn't. It gave me a headache, but what hurt was those shutters closing, your mind shutting me out. I needed to help and you pushed me away and it felt like exile."

"Do you still have it?" said Cas.

"What?" said Dean.

"The headache." said Cas.

"Yeah. I can't get rid of it."

"I can." said Cas. He reached out and touched Dean's head and the pain and tension disappeared.

Dean looked at the water again, running by, a quicksilver stream of days, gone before they could be counted, passing over every obstacle, a little white foam rippling across the ones that tore the surface, others making less visible swirls and eddies. Time passed for Winchesters, as swiftly as for everyone else. They just had fewer inactive moments in which to stop and keep count.

Maybe this was one of those moments. Maybe it mattered that he noticed the bond that went deeper than the link. Maybe, this time, he shouldn't let it go unsaid. "Cas," he said, "How many times have you healed me now?"

"Were we supposed to be keeping score?" said Cas.

"You're always there when I need you." said Dean, "I guess that's why it hurt so much when you wouldn't let me be there for you."

"You don't need the link to be there for me." said Cas, "You also don't need to be physically present. You're the rock on which I stand. My mind reaches out to you in pain as it used to cry out to my father. I hurt you today because I needed you."

"Then I failed you."

"No, you have never done that." said Cas.

"Tell me Jules did what I couldn't."

"Well, you could have kissed me too, but it wouldn't have been as much fun."

"I mean tell me she pulled you out of that panic and let you think straight."

Cas stood up and walked a short distance away. Without consciously planning it, Dean mentally shouted, "Stay!"

Cas froze and turned around, but the shutters didn't slam down again. "Not running." his mind whispered, "Just trying to tread the edges without falling."

"Scares me too." said Dean aloud.

"I know." said Cas, his mind adding, "Protecting you more than myself."

"You and Jules are okay, despite the lack of support from me?"

Cas came back and sat down. "You want honesty? Let's talk about why I was able to even think of being with Jules. The angel I was, before I met you, would never have dared to think of her that way, to touch her, to look at her. He didn't have enough of a self to seek anything for himself. He existed to serve."

"His life was much simpler then." said Dean.

"He had no life and desired none. He saw emotion as dangerous."

"It is. Believe me, it is. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool."

"Yes, it is, but worth it. Worth everything but the pain it causes you."

"Don't use that as an excuse to back away from me or from Jules."

"I wasn't backing away from you. I was trying not to hurt you. I was, just a little, backing away from Jules, but she stopped me. She made me see that we have to try this. Maybe it can work. Maybe I see things as hopeless because I'm accustomed to despair. And maybe, even if it fails, trying will have mattered to both of us."

"Things that don't work out can still be pretty great." said Dean, "That thing you did, slamming the shutters down, that was impressive control, without the talismans." He tried to keep his voice neutral. He failed.

"You really hated it." said Cas.

"I hate that you wanted me out of your mind." said Dean, then he realised how that sounded, "Not that you don't have every right to tell me to get out, but the force you used ... "

"You were in pain because of me. I pushed you out of the line of fire."

"You pushed me off a cliff."

"No." said Cas. In Dean's head, Cas also said, "Hurting you kills me."

"And you carried on blocking me out. All you needed to do ... all you ever need to do is put on the talisman or tell me to wear mine. The talismans give us total protection."

"No, they don't." said Cas's voice in his head.

"What do you mean?" said Dean.

"I don't mean anything." said Cas aloud, "My mind is constantly arguing with itself." Dean could feel him trying to stop the link, to silence the voice that was throwing his doubts into the open.

"It's okay." said Dean, "I won't listen."

"I don't want to shut you out." said Cas.

"No, you're trying to protect me and I'm trying to protect you. I just want to be clear that I'm not angry and you did nothing wrong. We're in this together and if you need me to back off, I get it and I accept it and I'll try not to react badly. Truth is ... " He hesitated. He didn't want to say too much or too little and he thought about saying nothing, but the words came to him and he just let them go, "Truth is, I can't be as rational as I'd like about this stuff. It's too important to me."

"To me too." said Cas, "Hence the shutters. Which, incidentally, you managed to break through just now. We both have a lot more control now."


	88. Chapter 88

In the parlour, Jules, Sam and Sarah drank their tea and waited for Dean and Cas to return. Sam smiled at Jules, wishing he could assure her that all would be well, but he knew that anything might happen out there and Cas might come back certain their relationship was doomed or wanting to marry her on the spot.

As for Dean, it was anybody's guess what he really wanted. He was trying to be the supportive friend and that was sincere and well-meant, but it was only natural that he would be uneasy about the possibility of Cas leaving the bunker. Sam was worried about that too and Sam didn't think of Cas as a vulnerable child, easily led and easily betrayed. In Dean's mind, he was all that stood between Cas and the machinations of Heaven and though he liked and trusted Jules, Dean seemed to have little faith in her ability to protect Cas. He really trusted no-one but himself to do that.

"So," said Sam, "We should probably discuss strategy, especially if Jules is going to live here."

"You're still against the idea." said Jules.

"If it were up to me," said Sam, "We'd all stay at the bunker. But that's clearly not working for you and Cas. Well, not for Cas, anyway. Sarah does need someone here and your team could have a base of operations here and it could all be great, but Dean and Cas don't really flourish when apart. I confess, I'm worried about my brother."

"Don't be." said Jules, "I would never try to come between Cas and your brother. Dean is the most important person in Castiel's life. I know that."

"I think we need to be ready to deal with whatever changes come." said Sarah, "If Cas comes here to see Jules, they'll have time and space to work on their relationship and Dean will know where to find Cas and can be sure that Jules and I are taking care of him. With Dean and I hope, you coming here more often, Sam, it wouldn't be too terrible a separation for anyone."

"I agree." said Sam, "And I think I can make sure Cas spends a lot more time here. It's a bit manipulative, but as it's manipulating him to put himself first for once, I'm fine with that."

"What's the plan?" said Jules.

"Dean and I like to support other teams of hunters." he said. "Loaning one a team member would be a reasonable idea."

"Would Dean go for that?" said Jules.

"Not if we start with, 'Hey, let's send Cas to stay with Jules!' But I can be more subtle than that. I convinced him to let me say yes to Satan. Trust me. I can make it impossible for him to argue."

Sarah smiled. "If you know that secret, teach me."

"Not all the time, but on this." said Sam.

"I feel as if I constantly have to remind Cas that we're together, that this isn't a hypothetical thing." said Jules.

"It's very Schrödinger's cat." said Sam, "In his head, he is both in a relationship with you and not allowed a relationship with you. He tries to maintain both realities at once. He's afraid of drawing Heaven's attention to you, but also afraid of losing you. Poor Cas always seems to have a divided heart, Dean or Heaven, you or Heaven, you or Dean." he smiled at her, "But here, today, it seems like he is choosing you."

"At least over Heaven." she said, "I've told him I won't be jealous of Dean and I won't. I had a brother that I loved more than my life. I get it. I'd never ask him to choose between us or neglect Dean or let Dean fight alone. It still scares me to know that if it did come to a choice, it wouldn't even be a decision. He'd choose Dean."

"I'm not so sure." said Sam.

"But I couldn't love him if he were the kind who ditches friends. I love the way he stands by you and Dean, no matter what and when he talks about either of you, it's with awe and joy and profound admiration. I love that. I love that he has someone in his life that doesn't treat him like a puppet or a sacrifice. I love that he knows you two love him."

"Yes," said Sarah, "This bond between the three of you boys is a beautiful thing."

"When he talks about loneliness, it breaks my heart." said Jules, "Until he met you two and then Sarah, he had nobody. He didn't even know what he was missing, but I still feel like there was this void at the centre of his life that nothing else could fill."

"When we first met him, he seemed so cold and obedient and unwavering. The angels think we broke him." said Sam.

"He thinks you saved him." said Sarah.

"I'm with him on that." said Jules.

"I think there was always something different about him, something that made him listen to Dean, even when it felt like Dean was talking rebellion and blasphemy. He was afraid to change, but I think he always wanted to. Angels aren't supposed to love, but maybe the essence of an angel is closer to soul stuff than we know. Maybe everything that lives has an inborn craving for connection and love."

"I've often thought the same thing." said Sarah.

"All I know is that, when he discovered friendship, it brought to life some dormant part of his nature. He changed. But he didn't change from Castiel into something else ... "

"No," said Sarah, "He became more Castiel. He found more of an identity. He found some self-worth. Angels weren't supposed to have that, either. They were supposed to exist only to serve and obey. He was supposed to view himself as nothing, to take pride only in his service to Heaven, but people who define their worth by the jobs they do become arrogant, controlling, obsessed with details and power."

"They become Zachariah." said Sam.

"And Cas just became gentler, kinder, more loving and compassionate." said Jules.

"And now he's in love." said Sam, "And it's wonderful to see. I know it seems like he's struggling to move forward, but just the fact that he wants to is huge for him. You're doing everything right, Jules. You're so patient with him and you really listen to him."

"And you both keep on supporting us and encouraging him to believe he can be happy. You two are always so good to us. Dean too. I know this is hard for him and he still keeps putting Cas first. I hope I do too. I try to."

"You do." said Sarah, "You are so good for him."

"All I want is to keep him with me forever, but I have to remember not to be selfish and never to put pressure on him. He's a rare bloom and I must never crush him."

"I believe in you." said Sam, "And I know Cas will make you happy. It's all he wants to do. He can be pretty single minded. Terrifyingly so, actually."


	89. Chapter 89

Dean paused at the back door. "Anything else we need to discuss?"

"Not really." said Cas.

"Not really means what, really?" said Dean.

"Nothing to discuss." said Cas. No mental voice contradicted him, but from the determination on his face, it wouldn't dare.

"Cas, you are useless at hiding stuff from me." said Dean, "'I have a secret!' is written across your face."

Cas peered at his reflection in the panes of glass in the door.

"It's an expression, Cas." said Dean.

"Yes and right now, a puzzled one. What are you talking about?"

"You're playing dumb or you're just being dumb." said Dean, "And I don't know which."

"Not quite the open book you thought?" said Cas, too pleased with himself.

"The stuff about the talismans ... " Dean began.

"Forget that. Needless worry." said Cas.

"Okay, fine, forgotten. But what's worrying you needlessly right now?"

"We just need to be able to switch the link off without the talismans." said Cas and headmonkey Cas added, "Or I can never have sex again."

"She have a thing about jewellery or something?" said Dean.

"My issue, not hers." said Cas.

"You don't trust the talismans?"

"Not to that degree. It's irrational, I know, but ... "

"You're entitled to irrational, now and then." said Dean, "We'll fix it."

"I expected mockery."

"I don't like what that says about me. You really think I'm that much of a jerk?"

"You really think I'm dumb?"

"I think your headmonkey's an idiot."

"On that we agree." said Cas.

"I wouldn't spy on you and Jules, even if the link opened."

"Isn't watching people have sex one of your favourite hobbies?"

"No! No, not all the time. Not people I know." said Dean, "That would be weird."

"That's the weird part?" said Cas.

"Don't judge me. I don't judge your bee fetish."

"I don't have a bee fetish."

The door opened and Sarah looked out. "Castiel, Dean, come in and have a cup of tea."

They went obediently into the house. Cas went into the parlour and Jules stood to greet him. "Are you okay?" she said.

"Yes." he said, "Everything is okay."

She hugged him. "Good. I worry when you go wandering off like that."

"Afraid I'll get lost?" he said, smiling, "You know I can navigate anywhere in the universe by magnetic fields, right?"

"More worried about which one of you is doing the steering," she said, "Slave of Heaven, Eternal Rebel or my favourite."

"Which is your favourite?" said Cas.

"I call him True Castiel." she said, "He's pretty special."

"That's one word for it." said Dean.

Sam grinned. "You're fooling no-one. You think they're adorable."

"You can't prove that." said Dean, slightly afraid Sam might try.

Jules and Cas sat down together. They could not have been closer and Dean saw how both seemed to relax at the contact, as if the slightest physical distance were unbearable to them. Dean grabbed a chair by the couch. Opposite him, Sam was smiling at the pair.

Sarah brought tea for Cas and Dean. As she gave Dean his, her hand rested for a moment on his shoulder. Somehow she knew he needed that. He was feeling unsettled. He wanted only the best for Jules and Cas and that seemed to be this loving relationship, but he was deeply afraid that Cas would find he didn't need anyone else.

"Thanks." he said, officially for the tea, but her eyes showed she knew better. She nodded and smiled.

"You'll stay here tonight, won't you?" said Cas to Jules.

"Yeah, I have my usual hunter's overnight kit in the Jeep." she said, "Then tomorrow, I can bring my stuff over."

"You are gonna live here, then?" said Dean. He tried to work out whether he was more worried for her relationship with Cas or his. The answer was probably not one that would reflect well on him.

"It's what Cas wants." she said, "And I said we'd do this his way."

"We'll miss you at the bunker." he said.

"I'll still be there a lot." she said, "I know Cas won't leave it."

"I had an idea, actually." said Sam.

"Well, had to happen one day." said Dean.

"Having another one now." said Sam.

"Yeah? Bring it!"

"What was the original idea, Sam?" said Sarah, reminding them both that this was not an appropriate place and time to bicker.

"While Jules is getting her team set up here, it might be a good idea to lend her some of our vast resources."

"She can have whatever she needs, as far as I'm concerned." said Dean.

"I'd really appreciate that." said Jules.

"Also, maybe we could lend her someone useful."

"Yeah, though Bobby is a little busy. Maybe Mom. There's no better hunter in the bunker, present company excepted."

"Mom would think we were trying to avoid her." said Sam.

"That's true." said Sarah, "You need more quality time with her, not less."

"Well, we need someone competent." said Dean.

"Good at research, useful in a fight." Sam suggested.

"Yeah." said Dean.

"Because if we help new teams, everyone benefits." said Sam.

"Absolutely." said Dean. He glanced at Cas, who seemed completely disconnected from the conversation. "Any thoughts, Cas?" he said.

"Not really." said Cas, "Administrative matters are for you and Sam."

"And you don't care."

"And I don't care." said Cas.

"Because you have a hot girlfriend."

"Indeed." said Cas.

"We just need to give it some thought." said Sam, "But in principle?"

"Yeah. It's a good idea." said Dean, "Jules has already shown she is a kickass hunter."

"Yes, she has." said Cas proudly.

"So, Jules, whatever you need, we can supply. Anything at the bunker that isn't my car is at your disposal."

"He means no offence about the car." Cas explained to her, "Nobody gets to use his car."

"I know how he feels." said Jules, "My Jeep is mine alone."

"Exactly." said Dean. He smiled at her. He liked her. She was his kind of hunter.

"You need to teach Jules to use an angel blade." said Cas.

"I do? Can't you think of someone better than me who would really enjoy some hand to hand stuff with her? An actual angel, maybe?"

"I can," said Cas, "But close quarters combat with Jules would not go well."

"You're scared of Jules?" said Dean with a grin.

"I just think she might be better trained if her teacher doesn't become distracted whenever physical contact occurs." said Cas, "You can control and sublimate your desires. You have no idea how difficult that is for someone unused to their intensity."

"I love it when he says things like that." said Jules, "He makes me sound like a much bigger deal than I am."

"You two badly need to get it together." said Dean.

"Tell me about it." said Jules, but she smiled at Cas.


	90. Chapter 90

They all ate a late lunch together, talking about hunting and cars and whether teaching Jack to drive would be a good idea. Sam was happy to see Cas so relaxed and content and he found it sweet that Cas and Jules sometimes held hands under the table or traded secret smiles when they thought no-one was looking.

He was aware that Sarah was often watching him. She was clearly still worried about him and looking for an opportunity to talk to him again. She believed he needed her help and, truth be told, so did he, but that could wait until after Michael was dealt with. Until then, he had an obligation to stow his crap and do his job. Later, there would be time for self-indulgence.

Sam was too intelligent not to remember that he had always used the same argument to avoid facing anything he didn't want to confront. Later, not now. Right now, there are things that need to be done. There were always more things to be done. Sarah saw through him as easily as he did.

However, she could not deny that Dean was more in need of support. Around the kitchen table, there was a lot of happiness, some trepidation and then there was Dean, angry with himself for not being happier for Cas, contemptuous of his own pain, his sense of impending loss, his jealousy. Had he spoken of any of it, all of them would have reassured him that there was no shame in feeling any of it, but he was, as always, trying to pretend it wasn't there at all, choosing to be alone, rather than risk being judged or pitied.

After the meal, Cas took Jules on a tour of the farm. Sam watched them head off together, both smiling.

Sarah was watching them too. "They're cute together." she said.

"They are." said Sam. He glanced at Dean. Dean seemed lost in thought.

"I'll wash the dishes this time." she said firmly. "You boys have had a rough morning. Go and relax in the parlour."

Dean was about to argue, but Sam just quietly propelled him into the other room. Dean took the couch, Sam sat opposite him in his usual chair. "How are you doing?" he said.

"Fine. Great, actually. Cas is really gonna make it work with Jules."

"I think he is, yes." said Sam.

"Which will be great."

"For both of them." said Sam.

"Yeah, for everyone. He won't have to be lonely anymore. In fact, Sam, I think he should be the one we lend to Jules for her team. We already know they work together well and he could stay here, which Sarah would love. I mean, obviously we can't spare Cas until Michael is defeated, but after Michael ... "

Sam wished he didn't know what "After Michael ... " meant. It meant, "I'll be dead, so it won't matter then."

"Yeah, after Michael." he said, "Great idea. He's the perfect choice."

They sat for a moment, smiling at each other and Sam wanted to say he understood, that he knew the wild forces pulling Dean's soul apart, that he was aware that Dean both longed for Cas to find perfect happiness and dreaded him doing so. He wanted to tell his brother it wasn't selfish or wrong not to want to lose the best friend he ever had.

Quite impossible to tell him any of that, so he said, "He seems okay now."

"He's okay." said Dean, "When he's with Jules, he's fine. Maybe we should lend him to her team now."

"What about Michael?" said Sam.

"I'm thinking of Michael. We both know, he wouldn't stand a chance against Michael."

"He stands more of a chance than we do."

"I know." Dean conceded, "Maybe I should lend you to Jules too."

"And you and Jack fight Michael alone?" said Sam.

"I've had worse ideas."

"I don't remember any."

"There's every reason to believe Jack can defeat Michael." said Dean. Sam was afraid of the darkness in his eyes, the unspoken evaluation of his own chance and his own life.

"Are you telling me you won't step between him and Michael?" said Sam.

"I'm no hero." said Dean.

"Yes you are. That's all you've ever been."

"We're getting away from the point, which is that here, Cas would be safe. Safer, anyway. And he'd be with Jules. He'd have everything he needs and he really, really needs it. No wonder he's always seemed so clingy. He's been alone for so long."

"Of course, he also needs you." said Sam.

"The beauty of the link is that distance between him and me no longer matters." said Dean and Sam needed no link to know that there were a thousand unsaid things contradicting and countering that statement.


	91. Chapter 91

Walking through a field with waist-high grass, Cas stopped and looked back at the house. "Look," he said, "You can see your window from here."

"Our window." said Jules.

He smiled. "Our window. It's a good room, with a great view. I think you'll be happy here."

"That'll depend on how often you're around." she said.

"I come here whenever I can, to see Sarah, to make sure she's okay. She was there for me in some of the hardest parts of my life, when I couldn't talk to Dean and Sam, I could talk to her. She looked kindly on my mistakes."

"I can see why you love her so much." said Jules.

He looked into her eyes, wondering why she loved him when he gave her so little reason. "I'm sorry that this isn't perfect." he said, "I'm sorry that I can't give you the time and attention you deserve."

"You're an angel engaged in cosmic warfare. I'm glad I have any of your time and attention." she said.

"I promise, I'll be here as much as I can. I know I seem cold ... I mean, I am cold. My capacity for ... for these feelings is an anomaly, a glitch. I was never intended to feel any of this and sometimes, I feel it wrong."

"No you don't, Cas." she said, "You feel it right. You feel it perfectly. But sometimes the feeling confuses you. Emotions aren't a test you have to pass or fail."

"Everything is a test." he said.

"That's angel thinking." she said.

"I remain an angel," he said, "Whatever else I may become."

"I know, but you've grown so far beyond the basic angel mindset and you need to understand that this adventure in human emotion is not a test or a trial. It's something beautiful and pure and real. Love is our best reason and our last hope. It's what makes humans human and what makes you so much more than an angel."

"Being with me is hard work, with little reward." he said, wishing he could make it otherwise.

"All relationships are hard." she said, "Why do you think all those sad songs got written?"

"When I tried to end this ... "

"I know. You were doing it for me." she said, "It's sweet that you want to protect me, but I don't want to be protected like that. More than once, I made mistakes, trying to make things work with men who didn't or couldn't love and respect me, men who wouldn't try to protect me, because I didn't matter that much to them."

"You matter to me." said Cas.

"Yes, and that's why I want to be with you and why I hate it when you try to back off out of concern for me. I love you, Castiel and I'll fight anyone who tries to separate us, including you."

"We can't even have sex." he said, "Because of the damn mind curse."

"We can and we will." she said, "And when we get the chance, you'll be staring at the ceiling for days."

"Why?" he said.

She laughed. "I love you, my sweet, confused angel."

He looked at the house again. "If you and maybe some of your team come here long term, she can have chickens and maybe cows or goats. She needs more creatures to care for, more to hold her here."

"She has you and Jack and the Winchesters."

"Yes, but we may all die in the fight with Michael. If things go badly, I want her to have reasons to stay here. Heaven would not suit her."

"If things go badly, he'll do to this world what he did to mine and nothing will survive."

"No, we will take Michael out, whatever the cost. I just mean if some or all of us die doing it." he said.

"Am I the only one who believes all four of you can survive?"

"I think Sarah believes that too." he said, "And that's the best part of my plan. If something happens to me ... if none of us makes it home, you'll have Sarah and Sarah will have you."

"I hate this, Cas." said Jules, putting her hand on his shoulder.

"The farm?" he said.

"No, this fatalistic despair. I've seen people give into it before and it makes them lose the fight before a shot's fired. This will sound weird, coming from someone whose world was destroyed over years of losing battles, but there's always hope. There's always a chance, as long as you keep breathing. Good things do happen, Castiel."

"Do they?" he said. He looked into her eyes, wishing he could pretend to believe her, wishing he had enough faith in anything to go on hoping.

"Repeat after me, 'When Michael is dead, we'll all celebrate together.'"

"When Michael is dead, if any of us are still alive, we'll celebrate together." he said.

"I thought angels were good at following instructions."

"Yeah, I've never been that great at it." he said.

"You're not going to die, Cas. I won't let you. Neither will Dean or Sam."

"If either of them dies for me ... "

"They're not dying either." she said, "Our side will win. Three Winchesters, a nephilim, Bobby Singer and the only angel who ever managed an original thought? What does Michael have against all that? Michael is the one who should be in despair, only Michael is too dumb to know it."

She sounded certain. She'd seen her own world crumble and die and she still believed that Team Free Will and their friends could save his. He drew her towards him and kissed her. then summoned up all the tangled threads of his frayed faith and said, "When Michael is dead, we'll all celebrate together."

"That's better." she said.

"Yes, it is." he said, "How do you feel about road trips and karaoke?"

She smiled. "The horrors of war are nothing compared to hearing me sing."

"I can't sing either. Maybe we should do a duet."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, but I love it." she said.


	92. Chapter 92

In the parlour, Sarah had rejoined the Winchesters and Dean smiled at her and said, "Did you get this one talking yet?" nodding to Sam.

"Can we focus on the angel for now?" said Sam.

"No." said Dean.

"Sam has agreed we can discuss his issues after Michael is dealt with." said Sarah.

"Right. You know that's Sam code for never, yes?"

"Yes," she said, "But when Michael is defeated, Sam's out of excuses."

"It's not an excuse." said Sam.

"Quiet, Sam." said Dean, "We're talking about you, not to you."

"Counterproductive." said Sarah, "We need willing cooperation. Remember the games you played to avoid confronting anything painful?"

"Yeah, well, they didn't work well against you, did they?" said Dean, "You need to do to him what you did to me."

"For you." said Sarah.

"For me." he said, "I'm not ungrateful."

"She really fixed you well, didn't she?" said Sam.

"I don't fix anyone." said Sarah, "I just support them while they find something better than ... "

"Wallowing in self-pity?" suggested Dean.

"Wallowing in guilt." she said.

He smiled. "You were right that guilt wouldn't help out there with Cas."

"Yes. Did you find that out by wallowing in it?"

"No, by deciding not to." he said.

"Glad to hear it. You see, Sam? No fixing required. Dean is making his own choices and he's making good ones. I know you can too. You just have to decide you're worth the effort."

"Which you are, by the way." said Dean.

"Why are we even discussing me? Cas is the one we need to be thinking about." said Sam.

Dean shook his head. He wanted to point out that Sam had been worrying about him as much as about Cas, but reminding Sam of that didn't seem like a good idea. Instead, he turned to Sarah and said, "Do you ever wonder why you waste your time on Winchesters?"

"We still have a long road to travel, don't we, Dean?" she said, "I can't think of a better use of my time than supporting you, Sam and Castiel in any way I can. Besides, I love these moments, when we're together, talking. Family time. I've missed it so much."

"Yeah, me too." said Dean, remembering how good it had felt just to help her in the kitchen, the way little kids helped their moms. He rarely felt aware of the longing for domestic life, but whenever he had a chance to experience it, that opportunity felt like a gift to his soul.

He wondered whether Sarah knew that. He suspected she did. Looking back over just the past couple of days, he realised how often she had given him a chance to feel like a cherished son and to do the trivial, wonderful things that would have been a part of his childhood, had he been allowed one. He found himself wondering how many other small, secret strategies of hers he would notice later, that were now quietly healing wounds he barely knew he had.

"How are you feeling, Dean?" she said.

"I'm fine." he said, automatically. Her eyebrows signalled disbelief and he said, "Really, I'm okay. We have the link working well. Cas is out there in the fields, hopefully making out like a teenager with his girlfriend. Sam's at least admitting he has stuff to deal with. I'm doing okay. I am." He knew he sounded less than fine, but then, he had given the same assurances for years and nobody who knew him took them at face value anymore. "I'm golden." he said.

Sarah smiled at him. "You're doing well." she said and he knew the ambiguity was deliberate. So, judging by his slight smile, did Sam.

"Cas should be here with Jules for a while." said Dean, "Sam and I agree on that."

"It would be good for them, great for me, but not so good for you two or the bunker." said Sarah.

"Realistically, his only contribution to the fight against Michael would be to draw his fire for an instant." said Dean, "Michael has obliterated him before. Different Michael, but I'm guessing similar firepower."

"He sees himself as your protector and Jack's father. I can't see him agreeing to it." said Sarah.

"You could Obi-Wan him into it." said Dean.

"I have a basic understanding of the workings of the human mind," she said, "I don't claim to work miracles."

"You worked miracles on me." said Dean.

"Clearly not, if you still can't give yourself credit for your achievements."

"He used to say change was impossible for him." said Sam, "Now he recognises a degree of progress. That's pretty miraculous."

"If Cas does stay here with Jules, I can't promise it won't be permanent. You're pushing him into a situation he's never experienced before and it's going to be an attractive one for him."

"I know." said Dean, "I think it will be permanent. Happy ever after and all that."

"And you're okay with that?" she asked.

Five glib assurances raced to the tip of his tongue and each fell away before it could be spoken. "No," he said, "Not even a little bit, but I owe him that."


	93. Chapter 93

Dean had relaxed into the comfortable trivialities of what Sarah called family time and listened contentedly to Sam telling stories of his friends at the bunker and about their mother. Sam and Dean rarely had time or reason to talk about her and listening to Sam's fond tales of hunting with her, late night chats, shared jokes and shared traits gave him an idea of just how close Sam and his mother had become.

It felt right. It felt good to know that, after so many years without that connection, Sam now had a genuine, warm, loving relationship with their mother. Even better, the guarded look was gone from Sam's eyes and there was no feeling that his words were being weighed, considered and edited. He felt safe, here in the parlour of their other mother, with only Sarah and his brother listening. He was talking easily about his relationship with the mother he had never expected to know.

When Sam laughed, Dean found himself laughing too. Their mother was funny. She often made him smile. That same mischievous grin that had once accompanied the words, "Let's sneak a slice of pie!" still crept onto her face and made them a conspiracy of three. Above all, she had brought some joy back into Sam's life and Sam both needed and deserved all the joy in the world.

Sam ended another hunting anecdote and Sarah chuckled as the boys laughed. The brothers' eyes met and Dean knew that Sam was as glad to see him happy as he had been to see Sam smile. For a moment, for once, their honest feelings showed and each knew how much the other needed their happiness.

Dean looked away from his brother and saw Sarah's equally honest expression. She believed that joy healed and she knew they both needed healing. She was encouraging Sam to talk, her body language always offering unspoken support. She was also encouraging Dean to listen, to engage, to enjoy seeing his brother shaking off the darkness that surrounded him these days.

He no longer pretended that he trusted or sought joy. She was right. He hid from any prospect of it, as afraid of the way it would change him as he was distrustful of its permanence. Anything he loved could be taken from him. Anything he enjoyed was just something more to lose. Despair felt safe. Numbed feelings would never hurt as much as the bright, sharp, vivid emotions she wanted him to feel. Since he had met her, Sarah had been trying to persuade him to leap from the security of damnation and self-condemnation into the temporary, uncertain, demanding instability of hope.

It still amazed him that she had convinced him. Even his own family, his own blood, could not. It was something in her own woundedness, her indomitable frailty. She was not shouting at him from some safe ledge above the chaos. She had been battered by hope, broken by grief. She had run and she had failed. She had looked into the eyes of her reflection in a mirror and seen nothing worth saving. She had made the same choice she asked him to make and she had done it alone, without a kindly old lady to lean on when things got difficult. Sarah stood before him, bloody from a thousand fights he could not imagine and she told him it was worth fighting. That made a difference.

They all heard the back door and Cas and Jules quickly joined them in the parlour. They looked happy.

"Everything okay?" said Dean.

"Everything is perfect." said Cas.

"Good. Sam and I have decided that it makes sense, for all kinds of reasons, for us to loan you to Jules for a while. You can help her get things organised, train her new recruits ... you know the kind of thing."

"Of course." said Cas, "We can have regular meetings at the bunker. I enjoy working with Jules."

"No, we thought you should stay here for now." said Dean.

"Well, clearly that can't happen." said Cas.

"Why not?"

"Michael?" said Cas.

"You'll be like thirty minutes away." said Dean.

"Forty, the way I drive." said Cas, "I remember someone pointing that out. Besides, half an hour may as well be half a world away. If Michael attacks, you won't last thirty minutes without me."

"We'll have Jack." said Dean. He felt the hurt and anger from Cas before the angel's expression changed and he instantly regretted not finding a more diplomatic way of putting it.

"You think I'm too weak to fight Michael." said Cas, in a voice that seemed carved from cold slabs of marble, "I'm stronger than you. I could squash you like a bug."

"Please don't." said Sam, "Could we all just calm down?"

"You're stronger than me, yeah, but that doesn't make you stronger than Michael. Gabriel, a frickin' archangel, fought Michael and lost." said Dean.

Quietly, Sam said, "I guess we can't."

"You think I should be scared?" said Cas.

"Hell, yeah, you should be scared." said Dean, "I know you're not, but that's because you don't care if you die."

"You think I'm weaker than some dissolute, debased ... "

"Castiel, dear," said Sarah, "Neither your courage nor your strength is being called into question. Michael has killed you before."

"Different Michael." said Cas.

"Nevertheless ... " said Sarah.

"So you also think I should hide here?"

"I'm keeping out of that discussion." said Sarah, "My own wish to have you here with me makes me incapable of making an unbiased contribution to that debate."

"Isn't hiding here exactly what you want me to do?" said Jules.

"Michael is our fight, not yours." said Cas.

"Oh, really? It was my world he spit-roasted."

"And nobody from your world could stop him." said Cas.

Dean saw the look in her eyes and knew she had taken that in a way Cas had never intended. "Cas, shut up." he said.

"You shut up." said Cas.

Trying to get past the anger and the hasty words, Dean spoke directly to Cas's mind. "You hurt Jules. Back up or back off!"

Cas stared at him, then turned to Jules. "I'm sorry." he said, "That came out wrong. I didn't mean your people were weak. I certainly didn't mean that you were."

There was a long silence as Jules and Cas held a tense and difficult conversation with eye contact alone. Finally, she said, "It's okay. you weren't thinking."

"No, I wasn't." said Cas. He looked at Dean. "I'm glad someone was."

Dean smiled at Jules. "You have my number, Jules. If you need anything or you just wanna bitch about flyboy here, believe me, I can relate."

"The flyboy and I are fine." she said, "I have a thick skin." He knew that, just for a moment, that thick skin had been bypassed.

Cas was unaccountably looking up as if trying to see something upstairs. He seemed distracted.

"Cas?" said Dean.

"Sorry." said Cas, "I just worked out a reference to ceilings." His smile was odd and his eyes flew for a moment to Jules.

She smiled back. "Takes you a while, but you get there."

"I don't think I wanna know." said Dean.

"I'm not staying here." said Cas, "After Michael is defeated, maybe, but not before."

"You're staying here tonight." said Dean, "What's the difference? In fact, we're all here tonight."

"I will not ride the pine." said Cas, "When he comes, I will be there."

"Not if he comes tonight." said Dean.

"It's likely that he will not." said Cas.

"Can't you just cut the risk a little?" said Dean, realising a moment later that he should have covered that with some excuse, so it didn't sound like he wanted Cas out of the battle.

"Will you? Will Sam? Will Jack?"

"I'm trying to persuade Sam that he should be here too." said Dean. Lies and excuses were of no use now.

"So you and Jack face Michael alone?"

"The most effective and the most expendable." said Dean.

"You're saying I'm not effective?" Cas was getting angry again.

So was Dean. "I'm saying you're not expendable, you frickin' idiot!"

"Dean, maybe not the best ... " Sam began.

"Keep out of this!" said Dean, knowing it was completely unfair.

"Boys, this is not ... " said Sarah.

"I know." said Dean, "Cas, I don't mean you're an idiot, but I meant the non-expendable part."

"You still think I'm a baby in a trenchcoat." said Cas bitterly.

"I think you're the best fighter Heaven has."

"The best you have too."

"That goes without saying." said Dean.

"Apparently." said Cas.

"That's not what I mean!" said Dean. He knew things were getting out of hand. He knew he should back down. He also knew he couldn't. "Just listen, for once in your stupid life!" he said.

"Try shutting up for a moment of yours!" said Cas.

"Stop this!" said Jules.

They both froze. Neither had expected her to intervene.

"You're both being irrational." she said.

Neither spoke. Neither dared.

"You're best friends. You can do better than this." she said.

"He wants me out of the bunker." said Cas.

"You want me out of the bunker." said Jules.

"It's different." said Cas, but he sounded uncertain.

"I want you happy. I want you alive." said Dean. He felt his mind trying to say it, so he said it aloud, "I don't want you out of the bunker. I don't want you out of my sight. But I'm sending you away because it's best for you."

"How is that your decision?" said Cas.

Dean's mouth moved a few times, but his lungs clearly didn't feel that the argument he was trying to make deserved the oxygen. "It's not." he finally admitted.

"No, it's not." said Cas.

"Good." said Jules, "We're agreeing on something. Can we be rational now?"


	94. Chapter 94

Dean looked at Sarah. She looked troubled. She hated to see any of them fighting. He turned to Cas. "I'm sorry. I never intended to ... "

"Neither did I." said Cas and Dean knew that his mind had finished the sentence before his mouth had a chance to. Cas smiled slightly, "But I could still put you through a wall with very little effort."

"Yeah, I know." said Dean. He consciously stopped his mind from saying anything about Michael.

"Could I suggest a compromise?" said Jules.

"You seem to be the voice of reason today." said Dean, "Go ahead."

"Cas?" she said.

"I'm listening." he said.

"Thanks." said Jules, "I think maybe we should keep Cas at the bunker, where he is a vital, frontline defence."

"Thankyou!" said Cas.

"That's not really a compromise." said Dean.

"If you'll let me finish ... It is, as we've discussed, a short drive away, so each evening, he can come here for supper and stay until after breakfast."

"And if Michael attacks at night?" said Cas.

"As Dean said, he could attack now and none of us would be at the bunker." said Sam, "This seems fair. You split your time between the bunker and this place, Jules gets to spend a lot of time with you. Any objections, Dean?"

"None." said Dean, keeping his mind under control, letting it reveal neither his relief that he would still have Cas around nor his concern that Cas might still end up atomised by Michael.

"Cas?" said Sam.

Cas didn't answer. He looked from one face to another, saying nothing. Then his eyes met Dean's and Dean heard in his mind, "If Jack dies because I am not there ... "

Aloud, Dean said, "You know as well as I do that Michael will attack when we are both there. We don't get lucky."

Quietly, Jules said, "Cas, this is a chance to be together. And if the bunker gets attacked, we'll both go to join the battle."

"You think the Winchesters can withstand Michael for thirty minutes?"

"Hey!" said Dean.

"Or thirty seconds?" said Cas.

"Double hey!" said Sam.

"I could always do the vessel thing and fight him in my own body like Sam did with you know who." said Dean.

"Don't even joke about that!" said Cas, "Promise me now that you will never say yes to any iteration of Michael."

"I've already promised." said Dean.

"Promise again." said Cas, "Never, under any circumstances, for any reason, ever." His mind backed that up with a surge of doubt and fear.

"Okay, fine, I promise. It'll never happen. Honestly, Cas, it was never gonna happen. You know me better than that."

"Yes. Well. I worry."

Sarah smiled at each of them. "Maybe both of you need to have a little more faith in each other. I think Jules is making a very sensible suggestion. It would bring a little balance into Castiel's life and I think he would be the first to admit that he could use a little balance."

"Plus, you'll be here, with Jules, all night, every night." said Dean.

"Yes, which would be a great thing, if we could close the link at will." said Cas.

"We're getting there." said Dean.

"And we'll get there too, Cas." said Jules, "Remember Ecclesiastes."

"Ecclesiastes?" said Dean.

Sarah smiled again. "For everything, there is a season and a time to every purpose under Heaven."

Dean looked at Cas. In his head, Cas said, "No, don't."

"The Byrds." said Dean.

"The what?" said Sam.

"Oh Hell. The talismans don't work." said Dean. He heard Cas's mind struggling to find an argument. "Forget it, Cas. I know."

"Yes, you do." said Cas, "I'm sorry."

"How long have you known?" said Dean.

"Since I heard about the fire visions."

"Did you know, Sam?" said Dean.

Cas answered instead. "Everything Sam did, he did for us. He did it to help us."

"You lied to me, Sammy? How long have you known they didn't work?"

"I ... " Sam began.

"Did they ... did they ever work?" said Dean.

"You and Cas were a mess. The link was driving you both crazy. He wanted to get Heaven to cut it out and you were capable of almost anything. I did what I had to do and if you hate me ... "

"There never were any talismans. Was there a Rhydian?"

"Yes, but he did my laundry at Stanford." said Sam, "I know you're pissed ... "

"You lied to me. You lied to Cas. We never had any protection."

"You had near total protection. Once you believed in the talismans, your faith in them enabled you to close the link. I gave you a magic feather, that's all."

"Well, you can take your magic feather and teach your ass to fly." said Dean, "You lied to me."

"Do I need to remind you of Gadreel? Amy, maybe?" said Sam, "It's not like it's the first lie we've told each other. We do what we have to. I was terrified that you or Cas or both would destroy yourselves to kill the link. Under the circumstances, I thought a lie was the only option. You wondered why I was acting so weird and guilty, well, that's it. I hate lying to you, always have. Fine, so you hate me now. Just know that I hate myself more. If there had been any other way ... "

"Hate you?" said Dean, "No, I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I kinda wanna punch you in the face, but you did what you did because you wanted to help us. You did help us. And now, because you bought us time to think, we're starting to gain conscious control. I guess I would've done the same thing for you, if I'd thought of it."

"So, you forgive me?" said Sam in some surprise.

Dean shook his head. "You ran rings around me, little brother. I find that very hard to forgive. But yeah, I forgive you. I'll be a lot less gullible in future, but I forgive you."

"Thanks. I've barely slept."

"I noticed."

"I knew you'd work it out. I knew you'd be angry."

"It took me far too long to work it out." said Dean, "At least it means I was never losing my mind."

"No, you weren't. I wanted to tell you that, but you still needed to believe in the talismans."

"Yeah, I understand." said Dean, "Okay, Cas, decision time. A simple choice, do you spend your nights with us or with Jules?"

Cas looked at Dean, then Sam, then Jules. "No contest." he said, "But if there's the slightest hint of an impending attack ... "

"We'll let you know right away." said Dean.

"Good!" said Sarah, "I think this is better for everyone. Now, what do we all want for supper?"


	95. Chapter 95

Cas had suggested Sarah's chicken soup and Dean felt that the amount of preparation involved might give him a good reason to be hanging around the kitchen. After a few minutes, he went to join her and said, "I thought you might need a kitchen assistant."

She looked up from the plate of chicken and smiled. "That's good of you, Dean. Start chopping the vegetables, please."

He washed his hands and picked up a sharp knife. As he started cutting the carrots, he said, "Sorry about earlier."

"I thought you did very well in there." she said.

"I started a fight with Cas. I said things that I never should have said."

"Even when you said those things, you knew you were doing the wrong thing and then you both stopped fighting."

"Jules stopped us."

"You ignored me. You could have ignored her. You didn't. You did well, both of you. Even in the middle of the fight, you helped him to understand that he had said the wrong thing to Jules. I find that especially praiseworthy."

"You set the bar very low for me, Sarah." he said.

"I think it's more that you set it so high you can barely see it." she said, "I know it wasn't easy for you in there. You urged him to leave the bunker, because it's the right thing for him, even though it's the last thing you want to happen. Pretty selfless."

"Not really. And I got it all wrong and now he thinks I think he's weak, which I don't, at all."

"You really don't see the progress, do you? You two are being far more honest with each other and saying the things you'd previously have left unsaid or completely denied. Yes, sometimes the tension boils over into poorly chosen words or poorly received ones, but five years ago ... five weeks ago, could you have talked to him that honestly?"

"I don't know." said Dean.

"I do." she said.

"I feel like I have made progress." he said.

"Good."

"And I mostly have you to thank."

"You mostly have yourself to thank, but you're still not ready to look at yourself more kindly, are you?" she said sadly.

He smiled at her. "You like me too much, I maybe like me too little ... Just a little too little. I think maybe, together, we balance out."

"It's my ambition to help you get to the point where you look in a mirror and see the man I see." she said.

He didn't know what to say to that, so he paid full attention to cutting up a large onion.

"To say you're conflicted about Castiel leaving would be an understatement." she said.

"Yeah." he said.

"But you did everything you could to persuade him."

"Yeah." he said again, "I didn't ignore you, by the way."

"You just acted as if I hadn't spoken?" she suggested.

"That does sound a lot like ignoring you, to the untrained ear." he admitted.

"I don't take it personally. All that matters is that you listened to someone. Jules turns out to be very effective at cutting through all the nonsense."

"She does. I feel like she'll take good care of him."

"They could be very happy together. I promise to do all I can to encourage their relationship."

"Sam and I should probably leave tomorrow. I don't like leaving the bunker for too long at the moment and we can take Cas back with us for the start of this joint custody thing."

"And you're a little tired and you need a break from the introspection?"

"I'm not giving up on it. I know you've helped me a lot. But maybe it's time we worked on getting Sam to deal with his issues. I should convince him to come here alone, if I can. Also, Cas and Jules need some alone time for now."

"I need you to stay in touch." she said, "I need you to stay honest with me."

"Yeah, I will. And Cas and I will keep working on the link. He needs alone time in his head too. By the way, I'm not gonna ask if you knew the talismans were fake."

"I'm impressed that you forgave Sam." she said.

"So am I. In the old days, that would have earned him a beatdown and months of resentment. I guess I'm mellowing."

"What he did, he did out of love."

"That's how we make all our big mistakes." said Dean.

"I'm not sure it was a mistake." she said.

"Neither am I." he said.

"Because of him, you and Castiel are now using the link and learning to control it."

"True." he said, "But all this openness is stressful and exhausting and I think I need to repress some stuff a little."

She smiled. "I like your honesty." she said, "If you need to back off for a while, go ahead, but don't go too far."

"I won't. I just need to hit functional. I need to be ready for the big fight with Michael."

"We're back to after Michael, are we?" she said, "When your brother talked like that ... "

"If you're gonna start pointing out my double standards, we could be here for weeks." he said, "I admit it, it's different with Sammy. I know that he's burying a whole heap of stuff in that head of his and I know that he doesn't care enough about his own life and I know ... " He looked into her eyes. "I know that you think I'm talking as much about myself as Sammy and you think if you look at me with that look, you can make me admit it, to you and myself."

"But you'll never admit it." she said.

"Not a chance." he said.

"And I can respect that." she said.

They smiled at each other. It felt infuriating, to be understood so completely, but also liberating. She accepted even his confusion and his dishonesty. She might call him out on his crap, but she wouldn't stop him from hiding behind it, if he needed to.

"How bad is it up there right now?" she said, nodding to his head.

"I can handle it." he said.

"You're not losing Castiel." she said.

"No. Not yet."

"But knowing that and believing it are very different things. Will you talk to him about it, or to Sam?"

"Best not to, I think." said Dean.

"Then we'll talk about it tomorrow." she said and it felt like a promise, not a threat. That in itself made him acknowledge how far he had come.

"Okay." he said.

"But remember, you're allowed to feel feelings. It's what they're there for. And, when you leave, don't go too far away. I have a horrible fear, with you and with Sam, that one day, you'll disappear out of my life and fall into darkness. Don't choose the abyss because it's easier than struggling back into the light."

He put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. "We can't do that, Sarah. You know where we live."


	96. Chapter 96

Sam followed Cas and Jules into the kitchen. There were candles on the table and counters, giving the room a golden glow. "Nice!" he said.

"The candles were Dean's idea." said Sarah.

Sam glanced at Dean. Something about that felt wrong.

Dean smiled at him. "Special occasion. Right, Cas?"

"Right." said Cas.

"We don't get a lot to celebrate." said Dean, "Pursue joy, right, Sarah?"

"Always." said Sarah.

Cas sat down next to Jules. Sarah sat at the head of the table, Cas to her left. Dean was serving up the soup. Sam sat beside Sarah, leaving the seat opposite her for Dean. When they all had their food, Dean took his place and said, "This is the best soup you will ever taste and this is a happy occasion, so eat, drink and think happy thoughts." He turned to Cas and said, "And I'll know if your thoughts stray from the happy."

"I don't think they will, tonight." said Cas.

Sam wanted to ask Dean about his own thoughts, but he recognised the performance and knew he would not be thanked for questioning it. Instead, he smiled at Jules and said, "Welcome to the family. I guess you're a Winchester now."

"She sure is." said Dean, watching Sarah pour the wine. "Sarah will fill you in on the pros and cons of that. We adopted her too."

Jules accepted her wine with a nod of thanks and took a sip. "I'm grateful to all of you." she said.

"We both are." said Cas, "But I must ask you all to be discreet."

"We always are." said Dean, "But if your recent behaviour didn't put her off, I'm sure no stories we can tell will."

"I mean with others." said Cas, "Not at the bunker, but with outsiders. Nothing must draw Heaven's attention to Jules."

"Fortunately, Heaven has other things to worry about." said Sam.

"What Heaven chooses to focus on can surprise you." said Cas, "What if I am not allowed this?"

"Happy thoughts." said Dean.

"What if this defies the will of Heaven?" Cas went on.

"I'm sick of hearing about the will of Heaven." said Dean.

"If this is wrong ... if this is forbidden to me, the continuance and consummation of our relationship could endanger Jules, even condemn her to death."

"Even if Naomi can spare anyone to carry out that sentence," said Dean, "Which frankly, I doubt, if she or any other of your fraternity come after Jules, I'll do to them what I did to Zachariah."

"What did you do to Zachariah?" said Jules.

"He stabbed him in the face with an angel blade." said Cas.

"Now that's a happy thought." said Jules.

"I mean it." said Dean, "We look after our own."

"If someone will teach me to use an angel blade, I'll gut the bitch myself." said Jules.

"Dean will teach you." said Cas, "But discretion would avoid the need to kill any of my dwindling kind. And if it does come to that, one of Bobby's bullets would do the job more safely."

"These are not happy thoughts." said Dean.

"No, they're not." said Sam, "We'll be careful what we say, Cas. Just relax and be happy with Jules."

Cas smiled. "It occurred to me today, that the only thing in my life right now that doesn't spring from panic or shame is my relationship with Jules." He looked at her. "In fact, panic and shame almost cost me my chance with you. Thanks for your patience."

She put her hand on his. "Some things are worth a little patience."

"All we're missing is Jack." said Sarah.

"We'll bring him next time." said Dean, "We'll have to. He loves you. Can't argue with a nephilim. I make it a rule never to argue with anything that can turn you to a cloud of dust by clicking its fingers."

"Is this a new rule?" said Sam, "Because you've spent decades pissing off people who can do that."

"Jack wouldn't do that anyway." said Cas, "Jack would just be quietly disappointed."

"Yeah." said Dean, "And somehow, that's worse."

They enjoyed the meal for a while in silence and then Cas said to Sarah, "You've always said people can change."

"They can." said Sarah.

"How about angels?"

"As the most evolved of the angels, you need to ask me?" said Sarah.

"I told you it was evolution, not a fall." said Jules.

"If I really am depressed and not just accurate, is there a way to get undepressed and ... " His voice trailed off.

"And believe in road trips and happy endings." said Dean. It wasn't a question and Sam knew the link was allowing Dean to hear what Cas could not easily say.

"Are you finally ready to let go of all that guilt and sorrow?" said Sarah.

"I don't know." said Cas, "I want to. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I should."

"You should." said Dean.

"You can and you should." said Sam.

"Will you help me, Sarah?" said Cas.

"Of course I will, always."

"We all will." said Sam.

Jules took Cas's hand. Sarah took the other, then reached out for Sam's. Sam took hers and then Jules and Sam reached out to Dean, who, with a doubtful smile, completed the circle.

"Let's all promise now," said Sarah, "Whatever's coming, that we will face it together, give our angel the support he needs, guide and protect Sam and Dean, protect and help Jules."

"And get this farm up and running again for Sarah." said Dean.

"We're family, forever." said Sarah.

"Forever." they all said together. Then they returned to the meal.

"So, you wanna believe in road trips?" said Dean to Cas, "Maybe you'll eventually come to believe in me."

Cas looked at him. "I have never not believed in you."


	97. Chapter 97

After the meal, Dean saw Cas starting to gather the dishes. "Sarah," he said, "You might wanna ... "

"Castiel," she said, "You leave those. Go to bed. I'll clean up in the morning."

"No, that's my job." said Cas.

"Well, you can do it in the morning, if you insist, but for now, go to bed."

Jules took his arm. "Come on."

They went upstairs. Dean waited to hear their bedroom door open and close and then said, "I can do the dishes, if you like."

"Bed, please, Mr Winchester." she said.

He almost argued, but something in her tone, something in her eyes, stopped him. "Okay. Goodnight." he said, bending to kiss her forehead.

"Goodnight. Sleep well." She turned to Sam, "You know what I'm going to say."

"Yes, ma'am." he said, standing up. He hugged her warmly. "Goodnight, Sarah."

As he pulled away, her hand rested for a moment on his arm and she said, "We will talk, Sam, very soon."

"Yeah, soon. After Michael." he said.

Dean exchanged a look with Sarah and then led the way upstairs.

When they were lying in the comfortable, if slightly short beds, Sam said, "So what was that all about?"

"What?" said Dean.

"Candles, happy thoughts, all that?"

"We can't have a nice meal?"

"It was all a little too 'last perfect moment' to me. We've faced a lot of potential endings together. I know how you act when you see the last pages approaching. Tonight, it felt like you were trying too hard. Giving us something good to remember."

"You're tired. Your head is full of God knows what. You haven't slept a lot lately. Do you think maybe you're reading too much into a few candles and a positive attitude?"

"No, because you don't have a positive attitude." said Sam.

"Maybe I wanted to celebrate Cas's good decision. Maybe he needed tonight to reassure him that it is the right decision."

"What will it take to convince you?" said Sam.

"I'm convinced. I told him to do it, didn't I?" said Dean, consciously keeping his mind from live-tweeting every doubt to Cas.

"You can be honest with me." said Sam, "If there's anything ... "

"There isn't. Everything's fine. Go to sleep." said Dean.

"Why do I feel like I'm seven?"

"The hair, the dress sense?" said Dean.

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

"Seriously, Dean, I only came here to help. If you need ... "

"I need sleep." said Dean, but the concern in Sam's eyes made him feel bad about being so abrupt. "Look, there are thoughts in my head I wish weren't there and there are aspects of all this that aren't ideal, but I'm not gonna whine to you about any of it, because the only thing that matters is that Cas is happy. We can agree he deserves that, right?"

"Of course." said Sam, "I also think you deserve to be happy."

"Happy is reaching a little high for me. Closest I get is when you and Cas are okay." said Dean, "But I'm not depressed. I'm not suicidal. I'm not even worried that I'm crazy, now I know that Rhydian was the guy who washed your shorts."

"About that ... "

"Sam, forget it. The talismans served their purpose, even if they were a con that I fell for."

"You didn't. You worked it out. I always knew I couldn't trick you for long."

"I told Sarah we're going back tomorrow."

"Okay."

"No questions? No argument?" said Dean.

"No, none. You need to be the one calling the shots. If you need a break, take a break. To be honest, I'll be glad to get back to the bunker. I get uneasy when neither of us is there."

"Yeah, me too, but I'm glad you've been here with me this time. It's been good. I can't even say what you said or did that changed things, but having you here ... What I'm trying to say is ..."

"It's fine. I get it. I'm glad I could help. I know Cas helped more. Still wish I could have that connection with you."

"We never needed any psychic crap to have a more profound connection than that. You read my mind with no effort at all." said Dean,

"If you're afraid to talk about the link because you think I'll see it as a Destiel thing, I don't. You and Cas are brothers. Trust me, I know that territory."

"Yeah, you do." said Dean, "But it's not that. Talking about it, thinking about it, it's just not easy."

"Do you discuss it with Sarah?"

"I've started to and maybe that's why I need to go home."

"That place feels more like home than this one?" said Sam.

"No." Dean admitted, "Can we sleep now?"

"Do you want me to ask Cas to zap you asleep?" said Sam.

"I'll sleep like a baby as soon as we stop talking." said Dean, "Cas should right now be in the arms of his girlfriend. He wouldn't appreciate the interruption."

"If you need to talk, any time, day or night ... "

"Noted. Thanks."

They turned off the lights and Dean tried to sleep. After a while, he heard his brother's breathing change and he smiled at how well he knew the sound, how comforting he always found it to know that Sammy was sleeping soundly.

He told himself that what was right for his brothers was right for him. He needed their happiness. He needed good things to happen for them. If he could focus on how great this was for Cas and stop thinking of himself for five minutes ...

He opened his eyes and looked across at Sam, who never seemed to act or think selfishly. Even the lies about the talismans had come from a place of love and concern. Dean wondered what was wrong with him, raised by the same father, living the same life, that he could not, just for one day, stop thinking of himself and be happy for Cas. Sam had never been so petty and resentful.


	98. Chapter 98

Jules took a bath before bed and she was gone some time. When she returned, dressed in PJs that could not in any way be described as provocative, Cas needed to take a few deep breaths before he could say anything intelligent. "Do I smell orchids?" was his first attempt. Then he said, "I have an idea." and took out his angel blade.

"I don't like this idea." said Jules, "Unless you want a little hand to hand before bed. I could go for that."

He sat on the bed, still holding the blade. "It's tempting, but as I told Dean, any close quarters combat with you is going to arouse feelings better not aroused."

"I could go for that too." she said.

"I'm sure tempting angels is a sin." he said.

"Yeah, well, God and I parted ways a long time ago, when he let my world die."

"He's not my favourite person either." said Cas. He looked at the blade, remembering how it had once felt like a glorious honour to wield it in his father's service. By the terms of his existence then, he could not call it a life, he had lost everything.

He reached out for her hand and she clasped his and allowed him to draw her closer. She sat on the bed beside him and then let go of his hand and gently took the blade from him. "I think I need to keep this for now." she said, "I don't like the look in your eyes when you look at it."

"I'm not about to do something stupid." he said, "I had a good idea for how to deal with the issue of an eavesdropper in my head."

"Involving a blade that can do you serious harm?"

"Yes." he said, "Because it can also inflict serious, non-fatal pain."

"This is not gaining my approval." said Jules, "This sounds like something stupid."

"The problem is that I can't stop Dean from picking up the most intense feelings, loss, love, desire for you. I can't stop him sharing our intimate moments because those feelings overwhelm my will, like a wave in a hurricane, breaking sea defences. But I was able to close the link earlier. I slammed my mind shut. I just need to use that strength."

"Agreed. Not seeing a role for the blade." said Jules. She took the lapel of his coat. "Do you wanna take this off?"

"If you want me to." he said.

"You have no objections?"

"No. If it makes you happy, I can take it off for the night."

She smiled. "Thanks. It makes me very happy." She helped him take it off and then she folded it over the back of a chair and returned to his side. She stroked his back. "The coat's great, but sometimes I just need access to the perfect craftsmanship of your shoulders." Her fingers ran across his shoulder and he struggled for a moment to remember his thoughts.

"My idea is to cut myself with the blade, deeply enough to really hurt, not deeply enough to do real harm ... "

"No." she said.

"No what?"

"Not acceptable. I'm not about to sit here and watch you self-harm."

"It's not that. It's nothing like that. If I can cause intense pain to myself and, at the same time, prevent Dean from noticing that anything is wrong, it means I control the link and that means we can possibly have sex without him being aware of any of it." He smiled at her reassuringly, confident that she would see that his idea was logical and intelligent and made excellent sense.

She touched his cheek lightly with her fingers. "This flesh, my love, has suffered enough. We're fighters. We've both taken a lot of wounds and I know that you have the fortitude to bear almost anything, but that doesn't mean you should, not for me, not for Dean. I have to veto your idea. There's another way and we will find it."

"What if there isn't? What if we don't?" he said.

"I'd rather be celibate for life than see you hurt." she said.

"It would hurt for a moment and then I would heal myself." he said.

"Knowing you had done that for me would be a scar on my conscience for the rest of my life." she said. She kissed him, reminding him of how much he wanted to close the link and make love to her without the risk of interruption or intrusion.

"I love you." he said.

"Then don't hurt my lover." she said.

"You have another suggestion? Any other suggestion?"

"The same as before. Patience. It's worth waiting for, right?"

"Time is limited." he said.

"For an immortal being?"

"Even immortal beings can be destroyed."

"Maybe if you have the prospect of sex with me still ahead of you, you'll take more care and come back alive." she said.

"Do you think once we've had sex, I won't care?" he said.

"Let's not think anymore tonight." she said. She turned on the bedside lamp and then turned the main light off. "I need to sleep in your arms." she said.

He found a comfortable position and then reached out to embrace her. Whatever their disagreements, the sensation of holding her close brought him deep contentment. It felt a little different from last time.

"This isn't a sleepover, is it?" he said.

She smiled at him. "No, Cas, this is bordering on living together."

"Oh. That sounds wonderful."

"It does, doesn't it?" She turned out the light and kissed him. "How do you feel?"

"I don't know." he said.

"You don't know?"

"So many feelings at once, all of them good." he said.

"All good?"

"Yes." he said.

"No guilt? No shame?"

"No," he said, pausing to kiss her, "This feels good. This feels right. Pure."

"Good. This is right. This is our reward for all the crap we waded through to get here. And we will have sex, Castiel. We'll get to go through the whole list."

"What whole list?"

"The list of things I desperately want to do with you."

"For instance?" he said.

"For instance, I'd like to go slowly over your whole body, kissing all the cute bits."

"What if you find no cute bits?" he said.

She undid a few buttons of his shirt and tenderly nuzzled his neck before whispering, "Darlin', you are all cute bits."


	99. Chapter 99

Jules had been sleeping peacefully in his arms for some time when Castiel was distracted from his enjoyment of her gentle movements and light breathing by the awareness that someone else was not asleep. Dean was not in torment, or he would have noticed sooner, but neither was he at ease and he didn't reach out to Cas in his mind, so much as give off an air of stoical acceptance that peace was not available to him.

"Dean," said Cas directly to Dean's mind, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." came the reply, "Nothing at all."

"Meet me at Bobby's." said Cas.

"Don't you have more important things to think about?" said Dean.

"No. I find I don't." said Cas.

Very quickly, they were in Bobby's library again.

"Who brought that here?" said Dean, gesturing to his teenage self, hunched over in the corner.

"You, I think." said Cas, "I wasn't familiar with you at that age. I suspect he'll respond less well to an angel than younger you did. You should probably talk to him."

"Great! Another me!" said Dean.

"I still say we should bring them all here at once." said Cas, "Talk to them all. Let all of them talk to each other. I'm sure fifteen year old you could reassure four year old you."

"Too weird, man."

"Weird is what you do."

"Not that frickin' weird."

"Well, you should talk to this one."

Dean was already walking over to the corner, moving as if he were about to engage a werewolf in mortal combat. A few feet from the teenager, he stopped and said, "Hey, kid."

"I'm not a kid." said his younger self.

"No, sure. You can drive. You like a beer. You've been looking after Sammy for like a decade now. I didn't mean any disrespect. You act like a man, you deserve to get treated like one."

The kid looked up. Cas was intrigued at the difference in interaction. Four year old Dean had been treated coldly, even cruelly, by his adult self. This sulky teen was getting a much easier time. Cas wondered whether the difference was that Dean could respect the kid who had outgrown showing his fear or whether Sarah had helped him move to a view of himself that would have led to any version of him being shown more sympathy. He hoped it might be the latter.

Dean reached out a hand. "Come on, get up." He helped the boy to stand up and they looked at each other.

"Who's that?" said the kid, with a nod to Cas.

"That's Cas." said Dean.

"Isn't that a girl's name?" said the kid.

"No, just one S." said Dean.

"You often spell it with two." said Cas.

"Only when you're being an ass." said Dean.

"I've heard you tell Sam to spell it with two." said Cas.

"Yeah, well, you're an ass a lot." said Dean. His younger self grinned and Cas knew he was saying it just to get a friendly reaction from a kid who wasn't easy to approach.

"Why are you here?" Dean asked himself.

The kid shrugged. He sat on the couch.

Dean sat beside him. "You need to use some words, ki ... Dean. What do you need?"

"Nothing." said the kid, "Nothing at all."

Cas and Dean exchanged a glance. "I can't help it." said Dean to Cas, "It's just who I am. It goes back way beyond him. Get him a beer."

"Isn't he a little young?" said Cas.

"I'm twenty-two." said fifteen year old Dean.

"He's also a little young to fight monsters and be Mom and Dad to a kid brother." said older Dean, "Cut him some slack."

"Okay." said Cas.

When he came back from the kitchen, the kid was saying, "So are you me?"

"Yeah, a few decades on." said Dean.

Cas opened the beer and gave it to the boy.

"Thanks, Cas." said the kid. He turned to look at Dean again, taking in the clothes, the knife and gun on his belt and he smiled. "I turn out okay then, I guess?"

"More than okay." said Cas.

Dean didn't answer. He just watched the kid's face.

"Am I still a hunter? Are we still a hunter?" said the kid.

"Yeah," said Dean, "Still a hunter."

"And Sammy?"

"Sammy's leading a whole lot of hunters now." Dean said proudly.

The kid took a long drink of beer. Then he gestured to Cas. "Is he a hunter too? He kinda looks like a cop."

"Cas is one of the best hunters I know." said Dean, "And his girlfriend's a hunter too."

"Is she hot?"

"So hot!" said Dean.

"Also highly intelligent, with ten languages, eleven, counting Enochian and a degree in engineering." said Cas.

"Do you have a photo?" said the kid.

"Of the degree?" said Cas.

"Of Jules." said Dean.

"Oh. No, I don't."

"You have several, on your phone."

"Who takes a phone into a mental construct?" said Cas.

"I have mine." said Dean.

"Do you ... I ... we have a girlfriend?" said the kid.

"No-one special." said Dean.

"Still playing the field?"

"Yeah, that kind of thing. You must know this stuff. You live in my mind."

"He's a fractured part of you." said Cas, "He knows his own stuff, nothing more."

"I'm glad I stayed badass." said the kid.

"Completely." said Cas, "You've taken down gods."

"Cool!"

"I like this Dean." said Dean.

"Well, that's new." said Cas.

"He likes me." said Dean.

"You're a hunter." said the kid, "And you turned out just like Dad."

"You think so?" said Dean.

"One hundred percent Winchester." said the kid, "You did it! You're everything I want to be."

"Kid, you need to raise your ambitions." said Dean, "Now, come on. You're here for a reason. What do you need?"

Cas saw the faint smile on the adult Dean's face. He began to understand. "It's not him." said Cas, "He's here to give you what you need."

"What's that." said Dean.

"Forgiveness. Validation. Self-respect."

"How can he forgive me? He has no idea what I've done, the mistakes I've made."

"Sammy's alive. You're both still hunting." said the kid.

"I went to Hell ... " Dean began.

"What for?"

"To save Sammy, but ... "

"And you came back out? And you're still you ... me ... whatever?"

"Yeah, but ... "

"Awesome!" said the kid.

"Awesome? Some of the things I did ... "

"None of them changed you."

"Oh, they all changed me." said Dean.

"None of them changed who you are." said the kid, "Dean Winchester."

Before Dean could argue, the boy disappeared. Dean turned to Cas. "See? Weird, with a capital WEIRD."

"But oddly comforting?" said Cas.

"In a very weird way." said Dean.

Cas sat on the couch beside him. "Can we talk now?"

"We are talking."

"Have you slept at all tonight?"

"It's not about you and Jules or about you leaving the bunker or even about you not leaving the bunker." said Dean.

"It may be quicker and easier to tell me what it is about." said Cas.

"I think it would be, if I knew." said Dean, "It's just dumb stuff, selfish stuff."

"You call everything that matters dumb and selfish." said Cas.

"Why are our headmonkeys so quiet?" said Dean.

"Because neither of us is trying to conceal anything." said Cas, "So just tell me."

"Still don't know, so let's talk about something else for a while."

"Okay," said Cas, "I had an idea for testing my ability to control the link, but Jules vetoed it. Is that a thing, that a lover can veto an idea not connected to the relationship?"

"Absolutely, she can." said Dean, "That's Relationships 101. What was the idea?"

"I thought if I could cut myself with the angel blade and prevent you from experiencing that ... "

"Yeah, Jules was right to veto it. That was a dumb idea."


	100. Chapter 100

Cas walked over to Bobby's desk. "The detail here is amazing. Every scuff, every scratch." he said.

Dean crossed the room, looking around. "I don't see the hall of locked doors. Does that mean we have no locked doors or that we have buried them deeper?"

"I don't know." said Cas. He watched Dean's face for a while. trying to gauge how much he should say. "Things have changed." he said, "Your teenage self ... "

"What about him?"

"You seemed a lot more at ease with him than with the younger you? Progress? Or just that you find weakness unforgivable?"

Dean sat in the chair behind the desk. "May I ask you something?" he said.

Softly, the walls whispered, "It was different. I saw his strength, not my weakness." The pronouns said more than the rest of the words.

They avoided eye contact, neither thrilled by the return of the headmonkeys.

"Ask your question." said Cas, "If I don't answer, the walls will."

"Do you miss the old times?"

"To what old times do you refer? Pre-creation, pre-humanity or last year?"

"Pre-Winchester. Before you met us. When you were an unshakeable, unchanging angel of the Lord."

Cas smiled. The walls murmurred about security and certainty and faith.

"Those were easier times." he said, "There was a lot of certainty. There was the knowledge that I was righteous."

"Oh yeah, you were righteous." said Dean, "You were a righteous, pompous pain in the ass. And you were happy, kinda. You were at peace."

"I didn't know what peace was." said Cas, "I really only found out when I held Jules all night the first time. Tonight, it's the same, perfect peace. The only thing I miss is knowing that I was doing the right thing. Now, I am never sure and I have been wrong too often. A mindless grunt has no self-doubt, because he has no self."

Dean nodded. "Yeah, I get that. The downside of free will is the absolute personal responsibility. Whatever mistakes you make are yours alone, but even God has made mistakes."

"It still hurts for me to admit that." said Cas.

"I get that too. Neither of us has handled our father's imperfections well." Dean smiled, "In the absence of locked doors, can we talk about Jules now?"

The walls whispered, "My love, my hope, my Shulamite."

"That's her." said Dean, "If you need to get back to her, by the way ... "

"She's sleeping peacefully." said Cas.

"You can watch over her and be here with me?" said Dean.

"Unless something needs my full attention in either place." said Cas. He smiled, one part of his mind watching her lovely face. "She looks so beautiful asleep." he said, "Whatever mistakes my father made, humanity is not one of them."

"I don't know about that." said Dean, "I'm pretty much Exhibit A for the opposing argument."

"Be quiet!" said the walls.

"Sorry." they both said at once.

"That's not you, in the walls." said Dean.

"It very clearly is me." said Cas.

"I mean nobody is the sum of their unedited thoughts." said Dean.

"Isn't that exactly what we are?" said Cas.

"No, it's not." said Dean, "We are who we are after the editing."

"You only say that because you have almost edited yourself out of existence." said Cas.

"I have to ask ... " said Dean.

"No you don't." said the walls. Cas wasn't sure which one that came from.

"Okay, I want to know. Have you thought of trying to open a mental link with Jules? I mean, that would be good, right?"

"No!" said the walls.

"I haven't considered it." said Cas, "It would be a bad idea."

"How so?" said Dean.

Cas heard the walls say, "She'd hate me." in his own voice.

"Jules doesn't like angels and doesn't trust my angelic powers. I try not to remind her too often that they exist. To open a link seems to require interfering with thoughts and if I did that to her, she would be afraid of me."

"She doesn't seem afraid of you."

"She isn't, but she is aware that I could be a threat. Although, when I told her to ensure she carries an angel-killing bullet ... "

"You told her what?"

"You'd have given her the same advice." said Cas. The walls began to recite the names, "Charlie, Jimmy, Rachel, Balthazar, Daniel, Hael, Samandriel ... "

"No." said Dean. There wasn't even any special force to the word, but the walls fell silent.

"You're getting good at that." said Cas.

"Someone has to shut them up." said Dean, "You won't even argue with them."

"How can I? Those deaths are mine."

"No, you never intended any of them." said Dean.

"And I won't intend to kill Jules, but we all know, it can still happen. She needs to have the means to put me down, but she refuses to consider the possibility."

"Good. You need to let Jules make all your decisions, because her decisions make sense."

"You know that one doesn't." said Cas, "You also know that I don't want her to suffer because of me. If it comes to a choice, for my sake, protect her."

"I will." said Dean, as the walls said, "I won't."

"You can't lie in here." said Cas.

"I'll protect her, but not at the cost of your life." said Dean.

"You'd ask the same." said Cas.

"Yes." said Dean, "And I think your answer would be the same. After all these years, I guess we know each other too well."

Cas opened a drawer in the desk and took out a bottle of whisky. He took a swig and offered it to Dean, who took it and drank some himself.

The walls said quietly, "I'll defend you, even if you're wrong."

"Which of us ... " said Dean.

"Does it matter?" said Cas.

"Maybe not." said Dean, "You know, considering how screwed up we both are, we have a very strong friendship."

"We do." said Cas, "I know what's bothering you now. You think you're being selfish because you don't want things to change."

"That would be the definition of selfishness, wouldn't it?" said Dean, "I want to see you happy with Jules, I really do, but there's a nasty, bitter, selfish part of me that just hates the thought of not having you around."

"You think you're the only one afraid of change. You're not. I want to be with Jules, but I hate the idea of losing your friendship. It feels greedy, but I want both."

"Hey, mindlink, remember? Wherever we are, we have that."


	101. Chapter 101

"I've been thinking about the next step with the link." said Cas.

"Me too. What did you come up with?" said Dean.

"We should try deliberately opening it sometimes and then one of us should try to close it, suddenly. Of course, we'd need to both agree to that now, so when it closes, it doesn't feel like ... "

"Rejection, betrayal, abandonment." said the walls and Cas thought he heard both their voices.

"Yeah." said Dean, "So if it slams shut, it's us taking control and not that other stuff. I was thinking along the same lines. We need to randomly kick it open. We can do that, when you're at the farm and I'm at the bunker. And while we're on that subject ... "

Dean's voice from the walls said, "Michael!" and Cas's, a moment later, said, "I know! Not again!"

"Not again what?" said Dean.

Cas shrugged.

The walls said, "Don't call me weak. Don't say I can't fight. I almost killed you once."

"And you were holding back." said Dean.

"Don't laugh at me." said Cas, trying to speak before the walls did.

"I'm not." said Dean, "That's what we need to talk about, here, where we can't be anything but honest."

"Honesty on that subject may be more brutal than I can handle. Dean, I'm not strong. I lurch between self-doubt and self-loathing and I need my illusions. About myself, about what you think of me ... "

"I showed you what I think of you." said Dean.

"That was before." said Cas, "I hate saying this to you. I hate admitting weakness. So you should understand that I am only saying it because I have to, because nothing scares me like hearing you say that I am not ... that I can't ... "

Dean pointed at the wall. "If you say a word, I will take this place down with a sledgehammer."

Cas smiled. "Thanks."

"Scares me too," said Dean, "The thought of you looking at me and seeing nothing worth your respect."

"I did everything Dad ever asked and he wouldn't stick around." said the walls.

"I warned you." said Dean, "Cas, find me a sledgehammer."

"Just ignore the headmonkeys." said Cas, "They want attention. Don't give it to them."

"I know, one day, I will screw up and say something I can never unsay." said the walls in Dean's voice.

"Shut up!" said Dean.

"They don't matter." said Cas, "They're fear and doubt."

"Maybe that's all we are."

"Yes, I've often thought that, but we're not. Dean, we're the refusal to give up. We're the hope that looks for another way when it looks as if our path is already set and certain. We're faith, in ourselves, each other and life. We're the cry of despair that turns into nothing left to lose. We're the fall, the founder, the failure and we're the moment after, when the warrior struggles to his feet, not because he expects to win, but because he refuses to surrender."

Dean nodded. "The walls have gone very quiet."

"Good, isn't it?" said Cas.

"So hear this and embed it in every twist and turn of your mind: I believe in you, always have, always will. I don't see you as powerless, weak or afraid. I know that, of the three of us, you are the greatest soldier, the bravest hero. Never let anything I say about that stupid archangel tell you otherwise."

"But you don't want me to fight him."

"Do you want me to?" said Dean.

"No." said Cas.

"Because you think I'm weak?"

"Because I know how little you value your life. You'd die for us or for humanity, or just to prove a point."

"And so would you and you have. I burned your body."

The walls wailed in pain.

"Sorry." said Dean, "Out there, I can keep a lid on it. In here ... "

"It was a long time ago."

"It will never not hurt." said Dean.

"But I'm back. I'm alive."

"Yeah, I wish that took the edge off. I don't pretend this makes sense."

"It makes sense." said Cas, "Each death of yours hurts long after we get you back."

"I really thought you were gone. So much of me died with you. When I think of you against Michael, I know you won't do a thing to save yourself. You want to die for us and for Jack."

"I don't want to die, but I will, if I have to, because my life is nothing to me in comparison to yours or Sam's or Jack's.

"Nobody hates Michael more than I do, but I hate the thought of losing you much more. I can't burn you again."

"I'm sorry I react so badly to any hint of doubt. It's stupid when I have so little faith in myself, but I have absolute faith in you. So when you seem to doubt me, it's like losing my father all over again." said Cas.

He heard his name whispered, not by the walls, but by the woman in his arms. "I have to go for a while. Jules is awake."

"Should I wait here?" said Dean.

"You should sleep. I can bring you back here when Jules is asleep again."

"Okay." said Dean, "Look this crap I've been talking ... "

"It's not crap, so don't backtrack. Rest, Dean." Cas reached out and put him to sleep.


	102. Chapter 102

  
"Where were you?" said Jules sleepily, "For a while there, you seemed completely zoned out."

"I was with Dean at Bobby's." he said, "Sorry. I intended to be here when you woke up."

"You're here now." she said, "Is Dean okay?"

"Dean's fine. We just needed to talk through some things."

"Did you come back here because I was awake? Did I drag you away?" she said. He was touched by how much she cared.

"Dean needed some rest anyway. He's asleep for now. I'll go back later."

She sat up and said, "What's it like in there?"

"Strange." he said, "We can talk about things in there that out here, we can't even think about. Things we try not to say in there get said for us. There's a deep, effortless connection between us, but at the same time, a feeling of exposure and vulnerability. Sometimes, it's hard to stay focused, because we're always wondering what our subconscious minds might shout out."

"You're both using the link a lot now." she said.

"Yes." he said.

"Does that make it easier?" she said.

"It does. Tonight, we've been talking about things we never really discussed before. I told Dean why it hurts so much when he lacks faith in me, or appears to. I would find it a lot harder to explain that out here, where there is so much confusion and self-protection and ego to deal with." He sat up beside her. "Is there any reason why you're awake in the middle of the night?"

"I often am." she said, "I don't sleep well, these days." She kissed his cheek and said, "Better, in your arms, though."

"Good." he said, "If there's ever anything you need from me ... anything at all ... "

"I try not to make any demands. There are enough pressures on you. And please tell Dean that I know how hard this is for him and I am so grateful to him for agreeing to you being here, even if it's only at night. Dean's a good guy."

"Don't be afraid to ask for anything. I know being with me is neither easy nor rewarding."

"You're wrong. It's easy and rewarding. It just has some issues attached that are a little more challenging. Loving you is always easy. Trying to ease your load instead of adding to is harder."

He looked into her eyes. She was so careful never to put pressure on him or to ask for anything from him and yet he kept hesitating and backing away and generally failing to be what she deserved. She had admitted to often being awake in the night and he knew that she, like Sarah, had lost her whole family. On the rare occasions when she mentioned friends from her world, there would always be a sorrow in her eyes, the memory of when and how she had lost them.

She feared and resented the angels of her world and talked of them enjoying their cruelty. Everything she said about her world hinted at loss and grief and pain and she never asked for a moment's sympathy or even for a chance to talk. Like Dean, she pushed her pain aside to offer others her strength and support.

Angels had destroyed her world, killed her friends, hurt her beyond measure and yet she could look beyond his angelic nature and love him. She couldn't pray, because drawing the attention of angels had been a bad idea in her world. Instincts honed by years of war had made it impossible for her to reach out to him in prayer as Sam or Dean would, but she was willing to share a bed with him and sleep wrapped in his arms. She had no reason to trust any of his kind, but she trusted him.

She smiled at him. "What's on your mind, Cas?"

"You." he said, "You never talk to me about what you need or want. You give me so much and you seem to want nothing in return."

"Love isn't a transaction. The books don't have to balance." she said.

"But you do have needs. You have wounds, like the rest of us. Now that we're officially, sort of, living together, I'd like to be able to be as aware of your needs as you are of mine. Will you open up to me about them?"

"Sometimes I worry that I could be too needy and you have so many other things to deal with." she said, "And you said my past doesn't interest you."

"I said I had no right to it. It would be wrong to demand explanations of it or be jealous about it. That doesn't mean I won't listen to anything you want to say about it. Your past does not belong to me, but it is part of you and every part of you will always be important to me." He drew her towards him, his hand on the back of her neck and kissed her tenderly. "Years of war, my love, years of pain and fear and fighting. I know you haven't forgotten a day."

"The past is past." she said.

"Winchester words." he said with a sad smile.

"Well, you like Winchesters." she said, "So you won't hate me for sounding like them."

"Hating you is beyond my powers." he said.

"Good to know something is." she said, but she kissed him.

"They see you as a good hunter and you are, but I see something else. I see a warrior, a commander, who was ready to die for her cause, who expected to die, but watched others die instead."

"How can you know what happened in a world you barely saw?" she said.

"Because I have stood on the same bloodsoaked sands. I have seen the dropped blades and the severed limbs. I have heard the dying choking on their own blood. I have seen those who followed me die. The world cannot see you. They see what you show them, the strong leader, the fearless, resourceful hunter, but I know that you never really leave a battlefield. You carry it with you forever."

"My battlefields are dust and ashes, my world a dead sphere, broken beyond salvation. That world is dead to me."

"That makes no difference. The cities for which we once fought are gone, their proud walls worn away to grains of sand. The weapons my comrades dropped are lost beneath the dust and debris of eternities. Every moment of every battle is fresh in my mind, every loss as new as daybreak, as sharp as a newly formed sword. I cannot heal the wounds you carry, but I, more than anyone else in this world, can understand them."

"And you want to, don't you?" she said, "With all those burdens on your heart and mind, you still want to help me carry mine."

"Yes, I do." he said.

"I never talk about it. We never could. We were in the middle of a war and we had to be strong and fight through the pain and grief. I think we all told ourselves the same thing, the survivors could talk when it was over, but none of us really expected to be there then." She looked into his eyes. "You understand, don't you?"

"Too well." he said.

"You're right. I thought I would die, gloriously or not, it didn't matter. At least I would be fighting for something. At least I would fall with a weapon in my hand. Then we came here and we had some time and space. We could have talked, to each other, to the Winchesters, to you. Only, we couldn't. And we told ourselves it didn't matter, because that was the past. The truth is, silence had become a habit."

"It does." he said, "Just as solitude does. Both are tough habits to break, especially if you think nobody cares. So I need you to know that I care and I will listen and if you need me to talk about my battlefields, my defeats, I will."

"You don't even discuss them with Dean, do you?" she said.

"Maybe I should, but I am ashamed of my failures and his attempts to justify or mitigate them would be more painful than the fact of their existence."

"Should I be ashamed of my defeats?" she asked.

He took her hand and said, "My love, you have nothing to be ashamed of."


	103. Chapter 103

Chapter 103.

Sam woke late in the night and looked across to Dean's bed, expecting to see Dean lying there awake. He looked very still.

"Dean?" said Sam quietly.

There was no response. Sam smiled. His brother had found a little peace and comfort. "Sleep well." he said, his voice barely a breath. The last thing he wanted to do was disturb Dean's sleep. He sat up carefully, making almost no noise.

He hoped that Cas was also as close to his own peace as he ever got. Sam loved to see him and Jules together. He saw how often she touched Castiel's arm or shoulder and how he responded when she did, leaning into the contact, prolonging it, taking her hand, looking into her eyes. Theirs was a sweet but profound love, both innocent and knowing. He had not been so aware of the great weight of loneliness that always hovered over Cas until he had seen how it lifted when Jules was around.

He wanted it to work out for them. Jules was, like most hunters, pretty guarded in showing her feelings, but around Cas, the walls seemed to drop and she could be herself. At such times, Sam saw how invested she was in the relationship and he remembered that she had lost a world and with it, whatever family she had ever had.

Sam liked Jules, as a hunter, as a person. She had a dark sense of humour sometimes, as did they all, but she had never become hardened enough to ignore the suffering of others. Hunting was her way of protecting others from the things she had not been able to avoid herself. She had not told him how she lost her brother, but he knew something evil had slaughtered him in a terrible way. He didn't ask for details and she offered none. She had reason, as all hunters did, to become embittered, numb or cruel. She was gentle enough to offer unconditional love to an angel. when angels had been complicit in the destruction of everything she had loved.

He looked at Dean's face in the darkness. There was a faint smile on his lips. Whatever dreams he was having were good ones and that was a change for the better. Usually, he only slept so peacefully with angelic assistance.

Few people ever got to know a sibling so well, to watch them, decade after decade, sleeping and not sleeping in motel rooms or some hunter's hideaway. He knew when Dean was sleeping the broken sleep of anxiety or the dull, lifeless sleep of despair. Sometimes, he knew he was dreaming of Hell or of some specific loss. His hands reached out a certain way for the memory of Charlie, another way for Ben. These days, he saw one look on Dean's sleeping face less often and he was glad not to see it, because he believed that terrible anguish related to reliving the death of their mother.

It was still there sometimes, just as Dean still sometimes spoke as if she could not be relied upon to stay. Her presence, however welcome, did not feel permanent to Dean. Sam understood that. He felt the same doubt sometimes, but for him, the loss of his mother, her actual death, had been very abstract. For Dean, there was nothing abstract about it. He didn't talk about the flashbacks, but he didn't deny that they happened.

Sam's bed creaked and he froze. Usually, even so small a sound would wake Dean. He slept always with his ears on alert, watchful for any threat. This time, though, he didn't react.

Sam didn't want to think about how often he had deliberately woken Dean, seeking reassurance on one of the dismal nights when their dad had been away or just to check that the argument he had started with his father earlier in the evening had not made Dean hate him.

Later, he had disturbed Dean less intentionally, with his own nightmares and flashbacks. Dean never seemed to hold it against him. Sam was no longer a helpless kid, but Dean was always his big brother and always there for him. He wished Dean understood that it could work both ways, but there was still always that attempt to deal with his own stuff alone, to keep it private, as if Sam could not read every flash of pain in those familiar eyes.

There had been many times when he felt he could not go on much longer. Hell, hexes, hallucinations and an apocalypse or three had all hit him hard and made him feel lost, bereft of hope.

He remembered being four years old and crying out in the night, feeling arms around him, hearing a voice speaking peace into his soul "I'm here, Sammy. I won't let anything hurt you."

He remembered Stull Cemetery. He had lost to Lucifer. He had allowed his hands to beat his brother halfway to death and yet Dean had promised not to leave him. He had snatched victory from the jaws of defeat, not because of any strength or courage he possessed, but because, in those final moments, when he had no reason to, Dean had believed in him.

Purgatory, Gadreel, Cain's mark and the machinations of two different Deaths had failed to break their bonds of brotherhood. They had spat venomous words at each other, broken glass with each other's heads, slammed doors and sworn to never speak again and not one of those things had mattered in the end.

Dean had been so traumatised by his mother's death that, even with her back to vibrant life, he could not speak of it, but he had carried Sam out of the horror and he had been trying to shield him from it ever since.

Sam made himself comfortable on the too small bed once more and took one last look at his sleeping brother before he made another attempt to sleep. He wished he could give Dean half the reassurance he had always had from him. He wished he could at least make him feel that he was not going to lose Cas's friendship. The only thing he really had to offer his brother was the same promise Dean had made to him at Stull Cemetery, that, whatever happened, he would not abandon him.


	104. Chapter 104

Cas kissed Jules and she smiled at him, her eyes bright. "Does Dean know when we kiss?" she said.

"I don't know." he said, "He has, at times, picked up on my reaction to our kisses."

"So should I worry if he doesn't? Does that mean I'm not getting much of a reaction?"

He shook his head. "How can you be insecure? You! You smile and my heart leaps. Your kisses turn my mind to fire."

"You're an angel, Cas. You're so far above me it's like you're having a relationship with an ant. It's natural, under those circumstances, to feel a little uneasy."

"Angels are nothing." he said, "Nothing at all in comparison to humans. We don't have your ingenuity, your compassion, your incandescent glory. God assembled us like model kits, all at once and with little thought. For you, he set long ages of evolution in motion. You are the pinnacle of creation and I ... I am merely a witness to it."

"And protector of it." she said.

"A poor one."

"I don't think so. Cas, in my world, when the whole apocalypse thing started, we assumed the angels would save us. We prayed, we had faith. I didn't just believe, I knew. I knew the angels would defeat Lucifer and everything would be perfect. You know, even now, I miss that faith, that certainty. I wish I could go back to believing that angels were good, that God cared."

"So do I." said Cas.

"Michael did defeat Lucifer. Pretty much tore him apart. For a moment, it felt like a victory for us, but the look in his eyes was anything but righteous. He enjoyed killing his brother and then he wanted our obedience and worship. Those who hesitated, were killed by the angels we thought would save us. So believe me, any inclination to worship angels left me a long time ago."

"Understandably." he said.

"So this isn't from habit or inclination or some Sunday school habit. I have every reason to hate your kind."

"I know you do." he said, wishing it could be otherwise.

"But you're not like the angels I saw there. You care about humans. You feel love and pity and you try to help."

"And usually fail." he said.

"You succeed more than you fail." she said. She smiled again, making his heart flutter. "I'm not predisposed to love angels." she said, "Most of them, I hate. But I love you. You are everything an angel is supposed to be."

"You are the only one who thinks so." he said.

"I think you're wrong about that." she said, "Anyway, angels seem to be very different here."

"Not so different. I hate a lot of them myself. Dean says they're dicks."

"I know." she said, "How about the archangels? I know Lucifer fell in your world too. What were the others like?"

He thought about it. Out of four archangels, he could not think of one who had not disappointed him, but he felt unworthy to judge God's senior servants, his preferred sons. In each of them, there had been glory and righteousness. In each of them, there was some flaw that made them less than they should have been, but he himself had fallen more than once and now had no idea what the righteous path would be. Indeed, in his pride at being loved by such a woman, he found himself not really caring about being righteous. Even in the best times, God had never rewarded him as she did. He had basked in the glory of God, but had never truly felt loved by him.

"I think," he said carefully, "That they were almost set up to fall. Each one was, in his own way, corrupted. Their pride, their jealousy, their hunger for more, brought them all down. Gabriel was the best of them and he fell too, but his fall was also his salvation. He didn't fall because of pride, although he could be arrogant. He got too close to humans, acquired their lusts, their vices, their insecurities. He also caught a little of their compassion and a lot of their need to be free."

"Gabriel, like you, evolved." she suggested.

"I tried to disapprove of him and in many ways, he disappointed us all, but there was something in him I couldn't help but love."

"We will find a way to get him back." she said.

"Maybe." he said, "Could we talk about something else now?"

"Sorry." she said, "I didn't want to cause you pain. There's something I'd like to know. Sarah is a lot youmger than you are. Do you see her as old or young?"

He smiled. "All humans seem young to me, bright, beautiful creatures, full of life and love. When I look at a human, I see all ages within them, the infant they were, the ancient person they may one day be, and the age I see most clearly is the age their soul considers them to be. Sarah seems forever young."

"So, when I grow old ... " she said.

"You were worried I would lose interest?" he said.

"You'll never grow old." she said.

"In my eyes, neither will you." he said, You will never be old or young to me, just eternally you."

"Sounds good." she said.

"Of course, I may be dead in days ... "

"Don't say that." she said. She snuggled into his arms. "I should sleep. You want to check on Dean. If you want, you can put me to sleep."

"You don't feel comfortable with my powers. I'm reluctant to use them on you."

She smiled. "Then I'll try to fall asleep fast. I love you, Castiel."

"I love you too." he said.


	105. Chapter 105

In his sleep, Dean was vaguely aware of a floral aroma, a smell he knew, but could not place. He liked it, though. It gave him a feeling of peace. He had no dreams in his sleep, until suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and Cas said, "Are you ready to go back to Bobby's?"

"I'm ready." he said, "Do I smell flowers?"

"Orchids, to be precise." said Cas, as Bobby's library formed around them.

Dean remembered the scented bath products in Sarah's bathroom. "Jules?" he said.

Cas walked to the desk, an odd smile on his lips. "It smells better on her than on you."

"I'd worry if it didn't." said Dean, "How is she?"

"Asleep again. She knows I'm here with you. She offered to let me put her to sleep so I could get back here sooner."

Dean sat at the desk. "Then she obviously isn't as afraid of your powers as you thought."

"Maybe not." said Cas, "I didn't do it. I didn't want to. You hate it enough and you know me a lot better than she does."

"I don't hate it. I don't. I just don't love it. I told you, surrender. It's not a Winchester thing."

"I've noticed. The truth is, humans don't feel comfortable around angel powers and they shouldn't, because sometimes we use them offensively and sometimes oppressively and because Heaven can use us like puppets. But it's okay, because she sees past the angel thing."

A large, leather-bound book appeared on the desk.

"Not this again, Cas!" said Dean.

Cas looked at it, running his fingers across the Enochian letters on the cover.

"What does it say?" said Dean, "And why is this one in Enochian?"

Cas picked the book up. "I don't know. I mean, I know what it says, but not why it doesn't just say Castiel." He opened the book and began to turn the pages. "Oh." he said.

"What does it say?" said Dean, becoming anxious, bordering on angry. "What lies is this one telling?"

"None." said Cas.

"All the bad stuff is lies, Cas. No matter how much you've been programmed to believe it, none of it is true."

"It's saying nothing." said Cas.

Dean stood and grabbed the book. The fine leaves of paper were gilt-edged, but not guilt-edged. Cas had told the truth. Every page was blank.

"Oh, Hell." said Dean, "This looks bad. Is this more of this, 'I'm nothing.' crap?"

Cas took the book back. "No, it's not that."

"Do you know how hard I try to fill the pages with something better than that?" said Dean. He felt like a complete failure. Fine, the great lists of errors were gone, for now, but this empty pile of pages didn't seem a big improvement. "How can I fix this?" he said.

"There's nothing to fix." said Cas.

"Now you stop that." said Dean, "Surrender is not our thing, remember?"

Cas smiled. "I was never more proud to be a Winchester."

"Don't avoid the subject."

"Sit down, Dean. Try to calm down. Believe me, you have nothing to worry about."

"I think I should worry a lot when you think you're an empty book."

"Imagine a life in which everything is written, long before it happens, in which there are rules engraved upon your mind, burned in letters of fire in the very core of your being. Dean, I know you care deeply about this, but you're not seeing it as I do. I never hoped to see my life as a book full of empty pages. I never dared to hope for that. This isn't despair or self-loathing or any other Winchester favourite. This is freedom. This is self-sovereignty. This is a hope that I get to write my own story. I've waited a long time for any blank pages."

"Put like that, it sounds pretty good." said Dean.

"Write something in it." said Cas.

"No." said Dean firmly, "It's yours."

"And who do you think gave me all those unsullied pages? Who taught me free will? Who made me believe in love?"

"Jules, not me." said Dean, "What do I know about love? Lust, I could teach to PhD level, but love?"

"What did you ever do that wasn't driven by love?" said Cas.

"Hatred and anger have driven far more of it." said Dean, "I know you mean well, Cas, but don't try to wash this dirty soul clean. Even Chuck couldn't have worked that miracle."

"Your soul is a bright light that has never faded out."

"I know what I am, Cas."

"I know who saved me."

"You saved me."

"Under orders." said Cas.

"I don't care about that."

Cas put the book on the desk in front of Dean and handed him a pen. "Go ahead. You gave me the book. You write the first words."

Dean clicked the pen a few times and then wrote, "Castiel, freed from the chains of Heaven, will find his own Paradise and Team Free Will stand with him all the way."

Cas read it. "I like that."

"It's not Tolstoy."

"You've read Tolstoy?"

Dean smiled. "I've read a lot of things. Bobby always had books."

Cas pulled another chair over to the desk and sat opposite Dean. "Tell me it won't change anything, my being here and not there."

"It'll change what needs to change. Here, you and Jules have a real chance."

"I love Jules. I want to be with her. I just hate the thought of losing our friendship to do it."

"Won't happen. Can't happen. We've been far apart before and we didn't have the mindlink then. Did it ever stop us being friends?"

"At times, we've been enemies." said Cas. Dean closed his eyes as the walls recited every unkind word that had ever passed between them.

"Did you really see it that way?" said Dean.

"You did." said Cas, "And I don't blame you. I behaved like an enemy. I lied to you."

"We've all lied to each other." said Dean, opening his eyes.

"Yes, we have." said Cas. He smiled. "I don't lie to Jules. I don't lie to Sarah. Isn't that strange? But then, I know, at any time, I might. I could. It would hurt. It hurt to lie to you. It would be painful, but I would do it, if ... "

"If you had to." said Dean.

"Yes. That's where I keep coming back to. There is not a promise I can make that I can be sure of keeping and I have told Jules that and she understands it. Does it become acceptable because I've been honest that she can't trust me?"

"We play with the hand we're dealt. We can't help it if the cards aren't good." said Dean.

They sat in silence for a while, hearing a clock tick somewhere. Eventually, Cas said, "This can't last, can it?"

"You and Jules. You, me and Sam?"

"Honesty, between us. Our friendship. Whether by death or ... "

"No!" said Dean to the walls, knowing they were about to talk about betrayal and anger.

"Sorry." said Cas, "I feel it waiting there too."

"I have always said I will say or do the wrong thing."

"Why assume it will be you? The list of my mistakes is longer and far worse."

Dean patted the book on the desk. "This says things have changed. This is your fresh start. Maybe mine is out there somewhere too. Sarah thinks we can all change. Now, I don't know if that's true. I know there's the new Dean, trying his best to hold to the right course and I know there's the old Dean, fighting like Hell to get back in control and I don't know which one's gonna win."

"Do you know which one you want to win?" said Cas.

"I know which should win. I know I've screwed up a lot and I'm sure I'll screw up again. Sarah's right about pretty much everything, so I hope she's right that I can change. Maybe she isn't. Maybe what you see is what you get and I know you deserve a better friend."

"Let's not get into what I deserve." said Cas.

"I know asking you to believe in me is stupid. I don't believe in myself. Just believe in the Pact. Believe in the promises ... those weak, uncertain, conditional promises that we were all able to make to each other. Or believe in the intent behind them. I don't pretend this whole thing won't crash and burn a hundred times. I don't claim I deserve your faith in me. I won't even say your life will be better with me in it. We both know, every bad thing that ever happened to you was because of me."

"I don't know that." said Cas.

"Yeah, you do. A hundred times, Cas, I will screw this up in new and exciting ways. A hundred times, I will give you every reason to walk away ... to run. All I'm asking ... "

"Is that I stick around for attempt 101." said Cas.

"I know. It's a lot to ask."

"It's nothing." said Cas, "101, 1001, I'll be here."

"Good. Thanks. Now, you focus on Jules. Make it work with her. Because she is good for you."

Cas looked bashful. "I thought I might ask her to watch the sunrise with me."

"That's a great idea. You've been in darkness too much. You need every sunrise you can get."

"Angels really messed up her world." said Cas.

"Yeah. They caused some trouble for this one too. You're not angels, Cas. You're Castiel, badass seraph. Plus, you're a Winchester. You're good enough for her. Grab happiness now. You deserve it."

"Do you want me to zap you back to sleep?" said Cas.

"Of course I do, because I don't hate it at all." said Dean.

"Liar."

"Well, if we're sure the honesty can't last, we'll have to be able to accept the lies."

"I love that you lie to me. It's how you show you care."

"Yes, it is."

"Of course, there are better ways, like saying it."

"I know there are. I'm just not great at them."

"Is it good or bad that we both acknowledge the dysfunctional nature of our relationship?" said Cas.

"I don't know, but I'm glad we can." said Dean.

Cas reached out towards him. He said quietly, "Try not to smell orchids or see fire."

"I'll distract myself any way I can." said Dean.

"I'll see you at breakfast." said Cas.

Dean felt the light touch on his forehead and then nothing.


	106. Chapter 106

Sarah and Sam were talking in the kitchen and Cas and Jules decided to leave by the front door to avoid interrupting them. The scent of flowers was already building in the cool air and the world felt full of anticipation to Cas. They walked around the side of the farmhouse, past the beehives, where the girls were still asleep and headed for the creek.

As they crossed the field, Jules said, "How many sunrises have you seen?"

He smiled as they flashed through his memory. "A lot of them," he said, "But each one only once. They're all different. This one will be especially beautiful."

"Why?" she said, "What's so special about this one?"

"I never shared one with you before." he said.

A little beyond the creek, the ground rose and there was a perfect place from which to watch the coming dawn. They jumped the creek easily and made their way there. Their shoes kicked dew from the wet grass and the cold air carried the song of the creek.

"This is perfect." said Cas, "My favourite world, my favourite sun about to rise and my lover is with me to enjoy it."

"You're happy, so I'm guessing things went well with Dean." she said.

He looked back towards the farmhouse, knowing that Dean would soon wake up, hopefully feeling refreshed by his deep sleep. "Yes, I think we talked about everything we needed to."

"And you're still okay about being here with me?"

"I still have concerns about being away from the bunker at night, because Michael could attack then, but I think Dean is right. Michael will attack when we are all there." He smiled. "Michael used to love sunrises, you know. Lost the taste for them, or maybe he had no time for frivolities, but in the beginning, he was as captivated as the rest of us. My Michael, of course, not yours." He looked out across the grey landscape, wishing he hadn't just reminded her they were from different universes.

After a long silence, he said, "I also worry about other things."

"Such as?" she said.

"I'm trying to find a way to express concern about your safety without it seeming like an insulting lack of faith in your considerable skills as a hunter."

She smiled. "I think you just nailed it, Cas. But I'll be fine. Worry about Dean. He's the one with the suicidal tendencies."

"Dean isn't suicidal. Never has been. He just doesn't see why someone else should die when he has a life he isn't using."

"You know what we need to do, don't you?"

"No." he said, "I tend to struggle with that."

"We need to make him use that life, live it. There has to be something he wants, someone he can love, something more than hunting."

"I like the way you think." he said, "I think Sarah is trying to do the same thing and I think it's working."

Jules rubbed her arms. "It's a little colder out here than I expected."

He took off his coat and put it over her shoulders, then hugged her. "Better?" he said.

"Thanks." she said, "I hope you value your own life a little more, now that I'm in it." She stepped back and said, "That sounded way more arrogant than I meant it to."

"To me, it didn't sound arrogant at all." he said, "Last night, at Bobby's, there was a book representing my life, my future, blank pages, edged with gold. A new beginning. Freedom. I know my life was never intended to mean much to me or anyone else, but things have changed and I love you and you love me and my life is precious to me."

"But you'd still give it up for me or Dean or Sam or Jack?"

"Yes, in a heartbeat, but because any one of you is worth the price, not because my life has no value."

"It's sad that hearing that feels like progress." she said.

"Angels are slow to change, but I am changing." he said.

"I know you are." she said, stepping closer again to kiss him.

After a long and loving kiss, he said, "It's amazing how compatible our lips are."

She laughed softly. "Oh, Cas, only you ever say things like that."

"Is it a stupid thing to say?" he asked.

She kissed him again. "It was a great thing to say. As soon as your mind has no audience, I can show you how compatible my lips are with the rest of you and how compatible our whole bodies are." A ray of sunlight lit her face with a golden glow.

He pulled her into his arms and they kissed in the first light of the new day. His thin shirt did nothing to protect him from the sensation of that wonderful contact. His human body both rejoiced in it and cried out for more. Human instincts to which he should have been immune filled his mind with thoughts of how good it would feel to lie down in the damp grass and make love to her. He pushed the thoughts down, reminding his body that there would be a better time, even as his body argued that neither past nor future were real.

The glory of the rising sun surrounded them with light and he felt it suffuse his whole being. "You are my light." he whispered between kisses.

"I love you." she breathed as their lips parted again.

He looked around for anything to distract them both. "Let's sit by the creek." he said, taking her hand in his.


	107. Chapter 107

Sam poured a second cup for Sarah and himself. So far, the conversation had been comfortable enough, mostly about his mother and the other hunters at the bunker and the team that would soon be run from the farm. He knew Sarah well enough by now to be aware that she was pacing around his defences, waiting to find a way through. He hoped she knew him well enough to decide soon that it was a waste of time.

She sipped her tea and smiled at him. "You can breathe, Sam. This is friendly territory."

"I know." he said.

"We haven't really talked about how you feel about Jules being here. I mean, she is one of your people and I suspect, one of your best."

"Jules is a fine hunter." he said, "Frankly, too good a hunter to be marching to someone else's drum. By coming here, she stays close, but she gets the freedom she needs to make her own team as good as they can be. They'll be invaluable to us. My hope is that the bunker will become a resource and a connection for a lot of teams, working together, but independent, making their own decisions."

"So your only concern is that Dean will suffer when Castiel is not at the bunker?"

"We'll both miss Cas and Dean will take it harder than I do, but I think he's coming to terms with it. He slept well last night. I mean, he slept for most of the night with no thrashing about, no crying out, no sign of nightmares."

"It's good to know. I've been worried about how little sleep you are both getting."

"Hunters don't sleep much, ever." he said. He smiled at her, knowing her thoughts.

"Yes, Sam, I noticed how you moved that back from the specific to the general."

"I'm fine." he said.

"Do you ever feel bad about lying to a little old lady?"

"Not as bad as I'd feel telling the truth." he said. He grinned. "I am fine. Honestly, I am. Dean is okay and Cas is okay. Cas is better than okay. He and Jules are sneaking around like kids at summer camp. It looks like one of us could actually find a real, lasting relationship and that it's Cas is perfect, because he so deserves it."

"You don't want it for yourself?"

"My last chance of it was murdered. Every possible prospect was murdered. Eventually you have to take the hint. Romantic optimism has its place, but the bodycount gets too high."

"And Dean?"

"I don't know. He wanted a family once. Now, I think he thinks it's not possible for him. But Dean is changing and I'm not giving up hope."

"You can't change?" she said.

"Any woman I smile at is as good as dead. I think I should avoid smiling at any more."

"And, of course, no emotional ties makes self-sacrifice easier."

"Actually, what makes it easier is that I have emotional ties to Mom and Dean and Cas. I owe Dean everything. Dying for him would only partially repay the debt."

"He'd never forgive you and you know it." said Sarah.

"I don't want to die." said Sam, "I will if I have to, but it's not my plan as it is for Dean and Cas. They are racing to be the one to die." He looked out of the kitchen window, in the direction of the creek. "You know, if things go well here for Cas, maybe he'll start to care about his life a little more."

"Maybe Dean will too."

"Yeah, maybe. Although hog-tying him is more reliable."

"And if we can fix that little brother he's always worrying about ... "

"He'd still worry. Even when things are great for me, he worries."

"When have things ever been great for you?"

"Palo Alto was pretty great."

"College days?"

"Yeah." he said. He looked at her. "Truth is, most of it has been a lot better than it could have been. Dad did his best and Dean did everything. There have to be worse lives than riding around with my brother, saving people." He remembered hexed Dean's delight in hearing about their lives. "Our best friend's an angel."

"Your lives certainly change the world more than most."

"Yes, they do."

"You're heroes. Saviours of the innocent."

"We save the guilty too, when we can." he said.

"And you love your brother." said Sarah.

"I love both my brothers."

"Then will you help me with the third one, the one they both worry about?"

"Yeah, if we get some time between apocalypses, I will." he said.

"I don't like 'if' statements. They show a lack of commitment, an excuse planned out in advance."

"Or an honest, if conditional commitment. I've broken too many promises, Sarah. I don't want to make any to you that I can't be sure of keeping."

"I understand." she said, "And I hope you understand that I will never give up on you."

"I do. It's kinda comforting. Just don't feel you failed if the whole Winchester curse gets in the way."

"Oh, I will. Of course I will. Which is why you have to make sure it doesn't. How did Dean seem to you last night?"

"Peaceful. This idea of Cas splitting his time between here and the bunker should work well. Dean won't feel abandoned. Cas won't feel he's been ejected from the bunker. Jules and Cas get to live their lives without Dean breathing down their necks and Cas doesn't have to worry that he seems disloyal to Dean or less than devoted to hunting." He glanced up at the ceiling, half afraid that Dean might be on his way down and hear him. He said quietly, "Dean's trying not to be jealous, but Cas is his best friend and I know he is afraid of losing him to Jules or anyone else. Dean thinks everyone leaves him. That's what worries me."

"If we all handle the situation carefully, he won't need to feel that way." said Sarah.

"And that's what I hope." said Sam.

Sarah looked out of the window. "It's a lovely morning. I hope they're kissing."

"Me too." said Sam, "It's a waste of a good sunrise if they're not."


	108. Chapter 108

Cas and Jules were sitting on the bank above the creek. The warm, soft light of the dawn shone on the bark of trees and lit the slight mist. It was a moment of perfect peace and Cas was reluctant to speak and break the spell. Jules looked into his eyes and smiled at him and he wondered again why she had chosen him in a world that included so many more worthy of her love.

"I see why you love this place." she said.

He said nothing. He wondered how long he could say nothing without making her think he was an idiot. He also found himself thinking how appealing she looked, wrapped in his coat.

Finally, he said, "This place is very safe. It's warded all over. You'll be safe here. Not that I think you need protection ... "

"Cas, I want you to be safe too. It's not an insult. It's how love works."

He smiled at her. "You think about that stuff?"

"Of course I do. You're constantly in danger. I'd give anything to have a foolproof way to keep you alive. By the way, why don't you have an anti-possession tattoo?"

"Tattoos are a lot less permanent on angelic beings. They tend to be erased by the routine healing we use to keep our vessels intact."

"I never knew that. So the healing treats a tattoo as an injury?"

On me, yes. Don't worry. I could heal you without accidentally removing your tattoo, but the essence of self-healing is to restore the body to a perfect state. For some reason, that means no marks on the skin."

"You have no scars?"

"None." he said.

"None in the flesh, anyway." she said.

"No." he said, understanding her meaning, though it was subtle.

"But the blank book suggests the other scars may be healing too. I hope so. The more time you spend in the mindlink thing with Dean, the better things seem to be."

"Dean has always been my friend and guide." said Cas, "We never really talked ... not much, anyway and never about the things that mattered. We kept everything shut in our own heads. It should have been easy, opening up to the one person who ever cared about me, but it wasn't. Not for him or for me."

"Of course not. Too much at stake." she said.

"Whenever we tried to talk, we were both terrible at it. We still are. At Bobby's, though, we can cut through a lot of the fear and uncertainty and just say things. In fact, we have to say things, or they say themselves. At first, we just tried to stop things from being said, but now ... "

"Now you're putting some faith in your friendship. Now you're taking some chances and it's bringing you closer together and letting you be honest. And honesty is incredible. It's intoxicating. It's exhilarating."

"It is." he said.

"It is for me too." she said, "That I can be honest with you, that you are honest with me, that's everything."

He looked into her eyes. Such pure, honest, open love looked back at him. He moved closer and slipped his arms under the coat that looked so much better on her and took her into his arms. He began to kiss her and she returned his kisses with enthusiasm. "I don't care if this isn't allowed." he said, "I don't care if you could do a lot better. If I am struck dead for this, it will have been worth it."

"Don't talk like that." she said. She pulled him closer. "Don't talk at all. Talk less, kiss more. Let's fill those blank pages!"

His borrowed heart was pounding in his human ears and he had told himself fifteen thousand and thirty-four times that his desire for her was a human thing, the consequence of inhabiting a human vessel, but there was a yearning from his essence, a cry from his angelic core, a need for love and connection and communion with this flawlessly flawed creation of his fatally flawed father.

His love for Jules was not a human thread mistakenly added to the cloth of an angelic robe. It was a tightly woven mix of the celestial and the terrestrial, the sacred and the profane. He had been created without corporeal desire, beyond temptation, a light, a sacred intention, but unreal. Through touching creation, loving it, learning of it, he had become real and in doing so, he had become more susceptible to desire than the humans.

He understood why and how Gabriel had fallen into temptation and slaked his superhuman lust with porn stars. He understood also that all the sex in the world could not satisfy this hunger. Gabriel had played with lust, but had not found love. All the pornstars in the world and all the sexual experiences could not feed his need as completely as one smile, one kiss, from this one woman.

They were lying on the ground, now, amidst leaves and twigs. A decade ago, it would have seemed undignified to Cas, for an angel to thus desport himself. Now he knew better. There was no greater dignity than to be true to himself and to worship the perfection of humanity, the infinite beauty of love, the honest goodness of patient, loving Jules.

She ran her fingers through his hair and smiled. "Castiel." she said, his name sounding so different from her lips, which added no gloss of shame or blame, but only adoration and love.

There were many things he wanted to say, but expressing feelings was not easy at the best of times. He knew that his lips were better employed in showing her his emotions through kisses. He kept his few words safe and playful. "You know," he said, "I've never seen your anti-possession tattoo."

"Would you like to?" she said.


	109. Chapter 109

Dean showered, dressed and went down to the kitchen, where Sam was standing by a simmering kettle and Sarah was putting some bacon into a pan. "I thought I heard you moving about." she said, "You finally got some sleep?"

"With Cas's help." said Dean, with a glance at Sam, "We were at Bobby's last night."

"He zapped you asleep from inside the mind link?" said Sam, "When he was in another room?"

"I told you, distance is no longer a consideration." said Dean.

"So you can basically just ask him for a good night's sleep any time you want it?" said Sam.

"Well, obviously I'm not going to do that."

"Let me guess, it's not his job?"

"Right."

"Dean ... "

"Yeah, I know. Shut it. Where's Cas?"

Sam nodded to the window. "Out with Jules, being cute."

Dean smiled. "Good. They seem happy to you?"

"They're very happy." said Sarah, putting the bacon on the hob next to the kettle.

"Good." said Dean again, "Sarah, you know that thing we were gonna discuss today?"

"Yes." she said.

"Cas and I talked about it last night. We talked about a lot of things."

"Constructively?" she said, with no hint of criticism.

"Yeah." he said, "You would have been proud of us both."

"I always am." she said, "How's that kettle coming, Sam?"

"Starting to boil." said Sam. He looked at Dean. "Are you planning to tell me what it was you were gonna discuss with Sarah and did discuss with Cas?"

Dean hesitated, torn between the desire to be honest with his brother and a long habit of keeping him in the dark. His eyes met Sarah's and he looked at Sam again and said, "Okay. Why not? We talked about him living here and how we both have ... concerns about it. We talked about how either of us could, at any time, screw up our friendship. We agreed not to let that be the end."

"That all sounds very constructive." said Sarah.

"Also, I told him cutting himself with an angel blade to test whether he can stop me picking up his pain is stupid. Jules told him the same thing earlier, so I think he got the message."

"Good!" said Sam, "I sometimes think neither of you should be trusted around sharp objects, guns or crossroads."

"I think we can all relax a little," said Sarah, "Because your brother just gave a lot of detail he didn't have to give."

Dean felt a confusion at the back of his mind. He walked to the window, feeling the beauty of the sunrise and the hope of that blank book and then he heard the sound of the creek and saw the light sparkling on the water. It seemed harmless enough, but as he enjoyed the peace of it, the peace was replaced by a deep longing, physical and spiritual, a yearning and the promise of its fulfilment. Realising that his mind was again picking up something intimate and private, he looked around for a distraction.

Steam was pouring from the kettle and it was a bad idea and would hurt, but Cas could heal the damage later. For now, it would work. He was fine with a quick and dirty solution.

As he reached his hand towards the steam, his arm was knocked suddenly upwards and Sam said, "No, Dean! We're not doing that. Just shut the damn link down! If Cas can do it, so can you!"

Dean tried to imagine the steel shutters slamming down. It worked. The link was broken. He felt dumb. He knew they both thought he was dumb. In case there might be any doubt, Sam said, "Steam burns, Dean?"

"Angels heal." said Dean.

"Yeah, and how much authority do you think your no angel blades thing would have if he knew about this?"

Sarah gently led Dean to his seat. "You were doing so well. Let's call this one a moment of madness. Sam, dear, make the tea."

"I told him I'd distract myself." said Dean.

"What were you picking up?" said Sam.

"Best not to talk about it." said Sarah.

"Yeah." said Dean, "Because a) it's personal to Cas and 2) thinking about it could reopen the link."

"Which you closed." said Sam.

"Which I closed."

"By an act of will."

"More like an act of desperation." said Dean.

"But you did it, just like you've been able to use the link by choice. You're getting more control all the time."

Dean smiled. Sam seemed impressed. "I did what I had to do."

"With a little more work, done from a distance, you and Cas will be in complete control." said Sam, pourimg the tea. He looked out of the window. "Look, they're coming back."

Dean turned to look and could hardly believe what he saw. "Is she wearing his coat?"

"She is!" said Sam, grinning, "And holding his hand."

Sarah stood and went to the window. "They look so happy."

"They do." said Dean, "He's starting to believe he can be happy."

When Cas and Jules came in through the back door, they smiled awkwardly at the three in the kitchen.

"Bacon?" said Sarah,

"Just tea for me, please." said Cas.

"Bacon would be great, thanks." said Jules.

"Why are the legs of your pants wet?" said Dean.

"We fell into the creek." said Jules. She laughed softly.

"We got wet." said Cas, looking out of the window, his expression soft, but unreadable.

Dean knew that something had happened to trigger the sharing of such strong feelings, but it seemed not to be what he had thought it might be and it felt wrong and counterproductive to pry, when he had gone to extreme lengths to avoid experiencing any of it.

"Are you okay, Dean?" said Cas, "For a moment, I felt you were in some peril."

"False alarm." said Dean, giving Sam a warning look.

"Must just be all the changes." said Cas, "I worry and imagine the worst." He looked at the kettle for a moment and Dean felt a shudder go down his spine.

"You didn't come back in because you thought ... "

"For just an odd sense of disquiet?" said Cas, "No."

Dean looked at Sarah, who raised an eyebrow. Cas was not getting any better at lying. Fortunately, he also missed their moment of silent subtext.

"Good." said Sarah. She stood and went to Jules and took a twig from the collar of the coat.

Jules looked embarrassed. "It's not what you think." she said.

"What do they think?" said Cas.

"We think it's none of our business." said Sarah.


	110. Chapter 110

Sam watched Dean dive into eating his bacon and then noticed how Cas looked at Jules as she ate hers. Both seemed fine and he could almost forget that he had seen Dean about to put his hand into the steam. Almost, but not quite.

He understood that Dean felt the link was preventing Cas from having a full relationship with Jules. Sam suspected that was only one factor. Although Cas undoubtedly loved Jules, he was also clearly afraid of every increase of intimacy. Even a guarantee of no link would not lead instantly to progress, because all the other doubts and fears would still be there.

Sam could relate to that. He had himself hesitated to risk romantic interactions. He often wondered whether something could have happened with Eileen, had he been as brave a lover as he was a hunter. But he had played it safe and gone for friendship, assuming that, if something were going to happen, it would happen.

Eileen was dead and he really didn't want to think about that. He looked at Jules and saw her smile at Cas. Cas lowered his eyes shyly, but a smile flickered on his lips too. He was hesitating because this meant too much for him to risk getting it wrong, but however limited the relationship might seem, there was a depth of love and understanding that already made it vitally important to both.

"So, what's the plan for today?" said Sarah.

"We'll take Cas back to the bunker after breakfast." said Dean.

"Where I will attempt to explain to Jack why I am staying here every night." said Cas.

"Trust me. He'll get it." said Dean.

"He might feel I am abandoning him. I feel I am abandoning him."

"That's because you feel guilty every time you do anything that isn't an act of sacrifice on your part." said Dean.

"Explain to him why that's wrong, Sarah." said Cas.

"I would if I could, my dear." she said, "But he's right. He's also right that Jack will understand. That boy doesn't have a selfish thought in his head. He'll just be happy that you're happy."

"Jack can come here too, if he wants, can't he?" said Dean.

"We need him to deal with Michael." said Sam, no more eager than Dean to involve Jack in that fight.

"After Michael, then." said Dean.

The three of them exchanged glances. Jules looked at Sarah. "When this is over, I hope I never hear that name again." she said.

"There's every chance that one or more of us will survive the fight." said Cas, in a more reassuring tone than the words could support.

"I've told you before," said Sarah, "You are all forbidden to die. I don't have many rules in my house, but I'm not bending that one."

"Nobody here intends to die." said Dean, with a glance at Sam and then Cas.

"Absolutely not." said Sam.

"Of course not." said Cas.

"There will be no more bacon for anyone who dies." said Sarah.

"I don't really eat much bacon." said Cas.

"No more walks at sunrise either." said Jules.

"Now those, I would miss." said Cas.

They looked into each other's eyes. Remembering all the times when Cas's enduring eye contact had made him uncomfortable, Sam was glad that he had finally found someone who enjoyed holding his gaze.

"I'd say get a room," said Dean, "But you just have." He grinned. Whatever they had said in the night, it had clearly eased a lot of his fears. His pleasure in their happiness was genuine.

"Yeah," said Jules, "I'll go to the bunker this afternoon, grab the rest of my stuff and my angel."

"You're bringing all your stuff here?" said Cas. He seemed troubled by the thought.

"Yeah, I'm a jumping in with both feet kinda gal." she said, "Besides, Sam and Dean will need the room."

"You're giving up your room at the bunker?" said Cas, "What if you need to be there?"

"Well, I thought I'd sleep in your room." she said, "You know, with you."

Sam resisted the urge to laugh at the slow realisation that spread over Cas's face, followed by the smile. His unique way of compartmentalising his life meant that he still hadn't thought through all the aspects of his new relationship.

"That's a good idea." said Cas.

Dean rolled his eyes. "I mean it, Jules, any time you need to vent ... "

"I have no complaints." she said, "I like him just the way he is."

"What way am I?" said Cas.

"The hard way." said Dean.

Sarah smiled gently at Cas. "Don't listen to him, Castiel. The way you are is lovely."

"There's nobody else like you." said Jules, "That's why I love you."

"Don't ever let her go." said Dean.

"I'm not sure imprisoning her is the answer." said Cas.

Sam wasn't sure whether that was a joke or not, but there was a look in Cas's eyes that suggested it was.

"I'm going nowhere." said Jules.

"Good." said Sam, "Because I like seeing him this happy."

"I'm sure I can make him happier." she said.

"Me too." said Dean, "We just need to work on that off switch."

"You're doing well with it." said Sam.

"What do you mean?" said Cas.

"He stopped it earlier." said Sam.

"What did you pick up?" said Cas.

"Nothing. Not a damn thing." said Dean, "I felt the thing opening up and I killed it."

Now it was Dean's turn for the extended angelic eye contact and he almost flinched from it.

"Well done." said Cas.

"That sounds hopeful." said Jules.

"Trust me, we'll soon be able to switch it off any time we like." said Dean.

"I hope so." said Cas.

Sam glanced at Sarah, sure that she also saw the doubt in his eyes that had nothing to do with the mind link or with Dean. She gave him a quick smile.

"Do you want your coat back, Cas?" said Jules.

Cas looked at her. He smiled. "After breakfast."

"Yeah," said Dean, "I think she looks cute in it too."

"You've never said I look cute in it." said Cas.

"I have." said Jules.

Cas looked down again. "Yes, you have." he said.


	111. Chapter 111

Sam and Dean were stowing their stuff in the car while Cas, who carried everything in the coat he had now reclaimed, was standing by the gate with Jules. Dean smiled at the way they gazed into each other's eyes, as if the parting were to be much longer than a few hours.

Sarah came out of the house and went over to Dean. "A promise is a promise." she said, handing him a folded piece of paper. 

He opened it and nodded. "I'll guard it well." he said.

"Share it with those who are worthy." she said.

"What is it?" said Sam.

"Not sure you're worthy." said Dean, "This is the recipe for the best apple pie in Kansas." He tucked it into his pocket. Cas and Jules were now kissing, oblivious to the world around them. "Take care of them for me." he said to Sarah.

"I will." she said, "You boys come back as often as you can."

"Of course." said Sam, "And we'll make sure Jack does too."

Sarah hugged him. "The Winchester curse is not an excuse. There is no excuse I will accept. We will have that talk."

"Yes, we will." Sam promised. 

Dean looked at him, trying to see whether he meant it. Sam looked back at him with a look that could be sincere and guileless or could be a carefully constructed lie.

Sarah let Sam go and turned to Dean. "I hate to see you leave."

"Purely temporary." he said, embracing her.

"I know it's silly, but I just have this feeling that I'm losing you for a long time, that something will happen to stop you coming back here." she said, clinging to him as if she couldn't bear to let go.

"Won't happen." he said as they stepped back, "You have pie. Besides, the whole joint custody thing means Sam and I will be back and forth all the time."

"What joint custody thing?" said Cas, who had stopped kissing Jules and had brought her with him to the car.

"Don't worry about it, Cas." said Sam.

"Not important." said Dean.

Sarah still looked worried. "Keep in touch, both of you. Come whenever you can. You're family to me."

"It's mutual." said Sam, "We're not about to ditch you."

"And you can come to the bunker anytime." said Dean.

"And dear Castiel will be here every night." she said. She hugged Cas anyway. "We'll have something special for supper to celebrate." she told him.

He didn't remind her that he had no need to eat. He just allowed her to mother him and it occurred to Dean that Cas had never had any kind of mother, not even Dean's brief few years or Sam's six months. Cas had never known the feeling, but he seemed to love it now. 

Seeing how hard this brief goodbye was for all of them reminded him of how much love Sarah had brought into all their lives and how much they had all needed it. He knew that her fears of losing them partly sprang from the loss of her entire family in the past and partly from the depth of her love for each of them. She wasn't psychic and couldn't predict the future, but she knew that their lives held little stability and no guarantees. He shared her fear that they would be parted by some circumstance or some excuse.

He hugged her again and kissed her cheek. "We'll see you soon." he said, "You take care of yourself. Not that you'll get a choice. Your guardian angel will be staying close and watching out for you."

"I'm relying on him to look after you two as well." she said, "Will you be offended if I sometimes call your mother, to check that everything's okay?"

"Mom will like that." said Sam.

"They'll be sharing intel." said Dean.

"Yeah, I know." said Sam.

"You have a problem with that, Dean?" said Sarah.

He smiled. "No. I love it. Thanks for the whole ... you know ... "

"Happy to help." she said, "You can share that recipe with your mother, if you like."

"No point." said Dean, "Mom can't cook."

"Angels can't fall in love." said Sarah, looking over to Cas, who was again gazing at Jules in adoration.

"Hey, Romeo, are you ready?" said Dean to Cas.

"Yes." said Cas. He kissed Jules. "I'll see you later."

"Later." she agreed.

"You're gonna be apart, what? Eight hours?" said Sam.

"Don't forget me." said Cas to Jules, holding her hand for a moment and then, with obvious reluctance, letting it go.

She smiled at him. "Maybe I'll text you later."

"Great," muttered Dean, "More Bible study."

Cas turned to look at him, but said nothing.

Eventually, their goodbyes all said and a lot of other stuff unsaid but understood, Sam, Dean and Castiel got into the car and left the farmhouse that had become like home. Sarah and Jules waved and Sam waved back. That brought back some memories for Dean of kindly strangers and sort of friends and Sammy waving goodbye after goodbye. But this was different. They would always come back.

As they got out onto the road, Sam looked at Cas in the back seat. "So what happened that made you fall in the creek?" he said.

Cas smiled to himself. After a very long silence, he said, "Jules showed me her anti-possession tattoo."

"Where is it?" said Dean hopefully.

"Right hip." said Cas.

"You dog! So, what kinda underwear is she rocking?"

"Dean, inappropriate!" said Sam.

"I don't know." said Cas, "I was looking at the tattoo."

"Yeah, right and your superpowered angelic vision and your incredible celestial, multi-layered mind didn't take in any other details?"

"She has very soft skin. Amazingly soft. Rare, for a hunter." said Cas dreamily.

"And you could tell that just by looking?" said Dean.

"Probably." said Cas.

"That's what I thought. You weren't just looking."

Cas was instantly troubled. "Was it inappropriate to touch?" he asked.

"Did Jules object?" said Dean.

"No. No, she was okay with it." said Cas.

"Then it's fine."

"Good." said Cas.

"You know, you don't have to clear everything with Dean." said Sam, "You and Jules are the ones having the relationship."

"I don't want to make any mistakes." said Cas.

"And Dean is your go-to guy for that?" said Sam.

"Why not?" said Dean, "I've made every mistake there is, some of them more than once." He looked at Cas in the mirror. "Seriously, though, Jules will tell you if something is a bad idea. Remember the angel blade thing?"

"Such soft skin!" said Cas quietly.


	112. Chapter 112

  
Halfway home, Sam looked back at Cas again and saw a wistful look in his eyes. "You okay, Cas?" he said.

"He's great, aren't you, Cas?" said Dean, "He's happy." Sam heard how much Dean needed that to be true. He was making a big sacrifice to allow Cas to be with Jules and he wanted it to be worth the cost.

"Very happy." said Cas.

"Good." said Sam, "It has to be your turn."

"If Jack's okay with it." said Cas.

"Jack's okay with it." said Dean.

"How do you know?" said Cas.

"Because I know that kid and he's gonna be fine with anything that means you get to be happy."

"Of course, if he isn't, Jules will understand." said Cas.

"No!" said Dean, "You are not backing out now!"

"I only said ... "

Sam quickly intervened before it could spark an argument. "Cas, won't happen. Jack fully supports your relationship with Jules."

"Yes, but Jack still needs me." said Cas and Sam heard the plaintive tone and knew that Cas was a little afraid that Jack would soon not need him at all. 

He was about to respond when Dean said quietly. "Of course he does, but he'll still be seeing you every day and at night, he's got me, he's got Sam, he's got Mom and Maggie and Bobby. I know you wanna be here for him every second, but that's not good for him or for you. Sometimes, you need to back off and let him ... "

"Feel how I felt when my father backed right off?" said Cas.

"You're not your father." said Dean, "Just like I'm not mine. You'd crawl through hellfire and razor wire for that kid and he knows it. Jack's not gonna feel abandoned, because your relationship with him is honest and real and committed, just like your relationship with Jules."

"Dean's right." said Sam.

"You missed out the always." said Dean.

"Yeah, for a reason." said Sam with a smile. He went on, "If you're having doubts, Cas, let's talk about them."

"You know you can tell us anything." said Dean.

"It's not that I have doubts about Jules and me." said Cas.

"Good. That's a start." said Dean.

"I mean, I do have doubts about us ... "

"Well, that makes no sense." said Dean.

"Dean, give him a minute. You know how complicated this stuff gets for him."

"Well, we could talk it out at Bobby's, but I'm driving." said Dean, "It gets a lot less complicated there."

"I know I love her. I know I want to be with her. I know what I want and what she wants and it's the same thing."

"All good so far." said Dean, "So your doubts are about Jack and about Heaven?"

"And you and Sam and Michael and the many, many people I cared about who are now dead."

"Not this again." said Dean.

"It's understandable." said Sam, "I can relate, even if you can't."

"I can." said Dean, "And I know where that thinking ends. It ends with a bitter old hunter, snarling his way through what's left of his life. That's Rufus. That's Bobby. That's me. You're better than that, Castiel. You know you are. You're fearless in battle. You need to be braver in love."

Sam watched Cas's face, seeing him react, just barely, to the words. The flicker of emotion was enough. He understood what Dean was saying and he knew what pain lay beneath the things he said. That was half the problem. Dean's pain mattered more to him than his hopes and fears. Cas was still struggling with the concept of his own needs.

Dean spoke again, his cold tone belying the love in his eyes and the need Sam knew he had, to find a way for Cas to be happy. "Heaven is irrelevant. They don't have enough angels left to put up a decent fight. One complaint from them, we'll gank 'em like a nest of vampires. I don't matter. Sam can take care of himself. We can take care of Jack. Michael, we'll all deal with together. No excuses, Cas. Everything I've lost is worth it if things work out between you and Jules."

Cas smiled and Dean grinned. Something had passed between them in a way Sam could not share. "Yeah, bite me." said Dean, "I thought it was a good speech. But since the link is open, slam it shut in five, four, three." He nodded, "Pretty good."

"No head whispering." said Sam, "It's not fair."

"Sorry." said Dean.

"Sorry." said Cas, a moment later.

"Sam, maybe you should call Jack, let him know what's happening."

"No." said Cas, "This has to be done face to face and I have to do it."

"Now you decide to be independent?" said Dean.

"Probably a good sign." said Sam.

"I was only trying to help." said Dean.

"I know you were." said Cas, "But that's one responsibility I can't shirk." 

The choice of words was telling, the tone more so. Sam wanted to tell him how little of his guilt and shame were justified, but it was hard to find words he could hear, that wouldn't immediately be edited into something else with which he could torment himself. He was still struggling with that when Dean turned to grin at Cas. 

"There's no going back now." he said, "You've seen her tattoo. For you two, that's like a month of hardcore sex. I mean, you guys are practically engaged."

"Hardly!" said Sam.

"He touched her hip, Sammy." said Dean.

"I did." said Cas and he was lost behind a dreamy expression once more.


	113. Chapter 113

When they arrived back at the garage in the bunker, Cas was out of the car before Dean left it. "Wait, Cas." he said.

"I need to find Jack." said Cas.

"No, we need to find Jack." said Dean.

"Jack will be fine." said Sam, "Let him deal with this alone."

Dean got out of the car. "You heard him. He has doubts. It's only gonna take one doubtful look from Jack and he'll be calling Jules to say he can't leave here."

Cas hesitated, looking at Dean. "So you don't think Jack will be fine with it at all."

"Jack's not the problem here." said Dean.

He could almost see the thoughts working their way through Cas's convoluted mind. The first instinct was to assume some level of insult, or at least lack of confidence in his abilities. Before those thoughts could embed themselves, Dean opened the mind link and said, "I trust you. Trust me." An echo that was not an echo said, "I want you to stay."

"I want to stay." said Cas in his head. His headmonkey added, "I want to go."

"But wanting it doesn't make it the right thing for any of us." said Dean silently, "Because I want it, I need to make sure it doesn't happen." The non-echo said, "I know that's dumb."

"All of this is dumb." said Cas aloud and it took a moment for Dean to realise the voice was not in his head.

"Are you two head-talking again?" said Sam.

"Little bit." said Dean, "It cuts out the crap."

"Well, I guess I'm not needed here." said Sam, "I'll send Jack here." He left.

"Did we ... " Cas began.

"Yeah, we suck." said Dean, "Jack first, then we can deal with Sam."

"I can handle this alone." said Cas.

"Yeah." said Dean, quickly closing the link.

"Why did you do that?"

"Practice." Dean lied.

Cas looked suspicious, but before he could say anything, Jack came in, hurrying as if they had been away a year.

"You're home!" he said.

"Yes and no." said Cas, "There's something I need to tell you and before I do, I just want you to know that if ... "

"Just tell him." said Dean. He looked at Jack, hoping that the only person less able to read subtext than Cas would pick up on the fact that he should not hesitate to give a positive response.

"What is it?" said Jack to Cas.

"It's complicated." said Cas.

"It's really not." said Dean.

"Let me tell him." said Cas.

"Fine, but tell him. Cut to the chase."

Cas put his hand on Jack's shoulder, then awkwardly removed it again. "Jack, I will always be just a phone call away. I will not abandon you." It didn't escape Dean's notice that Cas had been unable to make that promise to Jules.

"What's happened?" said Jack, seriously worried.

"Something great." said Dean. He would have said more, but a look from Cas silenced him.

"At night and only at night, I'll be at Sarah's farm." said Cas, "But if you need me, call me, text me, pray. I can be back here in thirty minutes ... forty at most." he said with a glance at Dean, then he added, "Twenty-five, if Jules drives."

"I like Jules." said Dean quietly, wishing he had been able to brief Jack.

There was no need. Jack said, "That's great. I mean, Jules will be there too, right?"

"Yes. We're now technically living together .. at night." said Cas.

Jack was now grinning. "Cas, that's good news. Did you think I wouldn't be happy for you?"

"I don't want you to feel like I walked out on you. I never would. Through all the ages of the universe, you will be my first thought and last loyalty." Cas glanced at Dean, a needless apology in his eyes.

"Of course he will." said Dean, "Father-son stuff."

"You'll be okay here alone?" said Cas to Jack.

"Hardly alone." said Dean.

"Dean's right." said Jack, "I have the Winchesters."

"Damn right you do." said Dean.

"If you need me here, I will come back." said Cas, "Being with Jules is wonderful, but she'd understand ... "

"Ignore him." said Dean, "You'll be fine."

"Of course I will." said Jack, "This is so good! You and Jules are together! We should celebrate."

"We will." said Dean, very proud of Jack's selfless joy. He could see the doubts fading from Cas's eyes. Jack had given him permission to seek happiness.

"I'll be here every morning, after breakfast." said Cas, "I'll be around as much as I can."

"Perfect." said Jack.

"And if you need me ... "

"Yeah, we did that bit." said Dean, "He knows."

"Don't hesitate to call or text or ... "

"Or send smoke signals." said Dean, "He gets it."

Jack looked into his chosen father's eyes and said, "I get it. You've always been there for me. You came back from the Empty for me. If there is one person I know will never let me down, it's you. By the way, I'm always here for you, too."

"We all are." said Dean, "And we all want you to be happy with Jules."

"I need to see Jules." said Jack, "I should congratulate her."

"She'll be here tonight to take him home." said Dean, forcing himself to use the word.

"And from home." said Cas, "I never had a home before and now I have two. I should go and tell other people. Mary and Bobby. We should talk to Sam."

"Mom and Bobby. You tell them." said Dean, "Sam is my problem."

"What problem?" said Jack.

"Nothing to worry about. Go on, Cas. Tell them the good news." When Cas had left the garage, Dean said quietly, "You are okay with this, right?"

"It couldn't be better." said Jack, with his usual, absolute sincerity.

"No, it really couldn't." said Dean, "And you know that when Cas isn't around, you can talk to me or Sam about anything?"

"Yes, I know that."

"Anything at all, from a cultural reference to existential angst. Which beer to drink or how to deal with celestial issues. If he's not here, you still have your family."

Jack smiled. "I can survive without constant parental supervision."

Dean conceded that with a nod. "I know you can. For a toddler, you're very mature. But as someone else who had to grow up fast, I strongly advise you to accept the support of this odd little family. Facing a hostile universe alone is hard."

Jack nodded. "Thanks to you and Sam and Castiel, I haven't had to experience that. Did I say the right thing to him?"

"You did." said Dean, "You did great."

"Good." said Jack.

"He would have ditched Jules if you seemed to want him to."

"I was afraid of that."


	114. Chapter 114

Dean waited a while before going in search of Sam. He found him in the armoury, checking the weapons. "Hey." he said.

"Hey." said Sam, "Everything go okay with Jack?"

"Yeah. You know Jack. As long as Cas is happy, so is he."

"He's a good kid." said Sam.

"The best." said Dean. Even with all the progress they had made on communication, he had no idea what to say. In pre-pact days, he would have given up or suggested a little practice bout with some knives, but he could imagine Sarah's disappointed look and he decided to try harder. "Sorry about earlier." he said.

"It's okay." said Sam, "You were focusing on Cas. That's not unreasonable, in the circumstances."

"Using the link just becomes so natural. Which is weird, because it's about as unnatural as it gets. I hate psychic crap."

Sam grinned. "Yeah, I know you do, which is why this is so funny."

"It's not funny." said Dean, affronted.

"It is a little funny."

"Maybe a little."

"And also, all kinds of great. The things you can do with that link ... We haven't begun to consider the possibilities."

"So we're gonna pretend you weren't offended?" said Dean.

"I was jealous. I admit it. I'm never not gonna have a little bit of jealousy when someone else is closer to you than I am."

"He's not." said Dean.

"In some ways, he is. That's fine. That's natural. Friends, you choose, family, you're stuck with. You and Cas have been through a lot and he's let you down a hell of a lot less than I have."

"That's not true."

"It is quantifiably true." Arguing with Sam had never been easy. He was intelligent and implacable and the Campbell temper met the Winchester stubbornness. He never expressed an opinion he couldn't back up and having expressed it, he would defend it vigorously.

"Pact." said Dean, "The past is the past."

"In other words, you agree."

"I don't know. Cas has let me down at times."

"And if he said he had, you'd be arguing with him."

Dean picked up a small hatchet, swinging it to check the balance. "This one of Bobby's?" 

"Probably." said Sam.

"You and Cas, you both feel guilty about stuff that doesn't matter."

"It mattered to you." said Sam, "At times, you wanted to knock me down because it mattered so much."

Dean put the hatchet back in its rack. This is not something I intend to put in writing or repeat in front of witnesses, but I have not been a perfect brother."

Sam smiled. "Yeah, you have."

Dean ignored him. "And I'll try not to get in the habit of using the mindlink around you."

"And I'll try not to be jealous when you do." said Sam, "I know you and he need the clearer communication you get at Bobby's."

Dean looked at him, wondering if he meant more than he was saying.

Sam seemed amused. "It really freaks you out, doesn't it, knowing that I know how much you need that?"

"What bothers me is why you think I need it." he said.

"Because angel-human friendships are hard and angel-Dean Winchester friendships even harder and because both of you are screwed nine ways to Sunday by the hunter crap and the angel crap and the Hell crap and the leviathan crap and you're both shouting into that hurricane and hoping the other one can hear what you're trying and usually failing to say."

"Know what I hate?" said Dean.

"Salad, Celine Dion and the fact that I know you so well?" said Sam.

"Three for three."

"If it helps, I hate that you know me so well too. I guess it's the downside of being brothers."

"And the upside. I wouldn't wanna have to explain myself to you right now. I'm sneaking off to the fake house of a dead friend to talk to an angel in a way he can understand - can't fail to understand. Even in there, we're arguing with ourselves. There are whispers in the walls. Things are echoed back at us that we never said. That sounds crazy."

"Yeah, it does." said Sam.

Dean tapped his head. "In here, it makes sense."

"Out here, too." said Sam, "Remember, I've been with you every step of the way, except in there, at Bobby's and that's why it sometimes gets to me. That's why I can't help feeling like you two slammed a door on me."

"We mostly slam them on each other." said Dean.

"It's a little too reminiscent of all the times you and Dad went hunting without me."

"I know." said Dean, "And I hated what that did to you, too. I never wanted there to be closed doors between us. I never wanted you to feel cut off and alone."

"Of course you didn't." said Sam.

"And if I could include you in the link, I would, even though that would be super weird and you'd get to know stuff about me I'd rather you didn't."

"There can't be much stuff I don't know."

"There's stuff in there I don't know." said Dean.

"That makes sense. The stuff you don't know about Dean Winchester could fill a libary."

"That's not true." said Dean, knowing it probably was.

There was a long silence. Eventually, Sam broke it. "I'm okay, Dean. We're okay."

"Okay." said Dean, wishing he could say something more profound and grateful. "I ... " he began.

"Yeah." said Sam, "Me too." 


	115. Chapter 115

Sam spent most of the day debriefing the other hunters, which, to Dean, sounded a little dirty, but was probably dull. Cas took the opportunity to spend time with Jack, more angel blade training and a lot of listening and whenever Dean saw them, he was reminded that Cas never seemed to have anything good in his life without some major sacrifice. He could be with Jules, but not without losing the chance to be with his son.

Dean wanted to talk to his mother. There were things, big things that he wanted to tell her about. His time at Sarah's place had brought some profound changes to his life and outlook and had shown him how much he still needed that first relationship of his life. When Sarah treated him like a son, something in him responded, something so old and deep and hidden that he didn't know if it even really counted as a person, but it was still silently crying out for what it had lost. 

He needed to tell her that he had been able to acknowledge that need and to satisfy it a little. He needed to tell her that he was ready to admit to wounds he had pretended not to feel for years.

When she had first come back to them, confused, lost, grieving the fictional sons who had kept her company in Heaven, he knew he should have hugged her until her pain was gone, talked for days or weeks or months with the kind of open, honest communication he now had with Cas in the privacy of their connected headspace. It had not been an option. The sight of her had awakened the broken child in him and he had not been able to hear her pain and fear over the screaming of that child, begging her not to leave again, then begging her to get it over with and go, because of course she would leave him again and the anticipation was worse than the pain could be.

Except it wasn't. He knew that. If she left again, he knew it would obliterate him. Yet, if it were coming, let it come! A part of him wanted her to go, just so he could go back to the memories of his perfect mother - whose perfection was a consequence of her long absence. How he had hated himself for feeling that way! He had virtually wished her dead because alive, she brough all the complications of a flesh and blood mother into the pristine shrine he had made of his highly edited memories.

Now, though, he could be more understanding of his irrational response. It wasn't at all that he wanted her gone. He wanted a way to make their relationship work when both of them turned out to be flawed, scared and human. He wanted to be able to tell her how he longed for her arms around him, her loving voice to say his name with love and pride without making her feel accused of abandonment and betrayal. 

He wanted her to see his love for her, not his anger, which sprang from that love and from so many years of having to get angry because his fury felt a lot more like strength than his grief did, buried as it was in a thorny nest of trauma, pain and shame. 

He knew it would not be easy, even now. There was so much agony on both sides, such great fear. It might take years to say all he needed to say, but, because of Sarah, he was almost ready to start the conversation. Almost, but not quite.

He still had to find a way not just to avoid letting his condemnation and resentment into his words, but to prevent her guilt and sorrow from hearing them even where they did not exist. She said he was more Campbell than Winchester and he knew that the Campbells accused themselves without need for anyone else to blame them. 

She had been brought back for him, snatched out of Heaven to fulfil his greatest need. She only existed in his world at all because he had needed her so much. He, a grown man, had needed his Mom. Even to a non-Campbell, that would seem self-indulgent and unfair. 

So, instead of seeking her out, he spent the morning in his room, Steppenwolf playing loudly in his headphones. At least it didn't feel like cowardice. It felt like overthinking. He associated overthinking with Sam and Cas, so it had to be better than his own avoidance and evasion.

The door opened and Sam came in. "I knocked." he said, "I don't think you heard."

"No." said Dean, taking off the headphones, "What's the problem?"

"No problem. You've just been in here for a long time. I wanted to be sure you were okay."

"Yeah, I'm fine." said Dean. They both smiled. "Thinking about some stuff." he said.

"You wanna give me a few clues so I can help think it out too?"

"I was just thinking how things are changing."

"Change is good." said Sam.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking." said Dean.

Sam sat at the desk. "A lot is changing. I feel like we can talk now ... about anything."

"Yeah, I think so too." said Dean.

"Like your stuff with Cas, his stuff with Jack ... "

"Yours with everyone and everything." said Dean.

"Yeah, even that." said Sam, "By the way, what was the underwear thing about?"

"Underwear thing?"

"Jules." said Sam, "In the car."

Dean smiled. "Desperation. It's a big thing for them, him seeing her tattoo. I mean, it involved removal of clothing. It's a huge leap forward in their relationship. I felt it should be marked, discussed, but there isn't a lot to talk about is there? I could hardly ask for all the details of a glance at a tattoo. I even know what the tattoo looks like."

"Wow. That's actually pretty sensitive. I'm sorry I thought you were being skeezy."

"I don't do skeezy. I don't believe for a second that he didn't notice her underwear."

"He's an angel. He saw everything, I'm sure. Of course, maybe it didn't make any impression on him because his focus is on her, not her fashion choices."

"I guess. Angels are kinky bastards."

"Bobby's making mac and cheese for lunch. You want some?" said Sam.

"Sounds good." said Dean.


	116. Chapter 116

Lunch felt to Sam like a family meal. Sitting with Bobby, Maggie, their mother, Dean, Cas and Jack in the library felt right. Talk was of hunting, naturally and they stayed off the subjects that felt too personal, but that felt like family to Sam too. The love between all of them was unspoken, but strong.

Dean seemed happy, laughing a little louder, smiling a little more and usually, Sam would have taken that as a bad sign, an act. It was an act. He wanted to seem fine with Cas going to the farm. There was something else, though. A warmth in Dean's expression when he looked at their mother, an easing of tension between him and Bobby, as if he had forgiven Bobby for not being their Bobby. Dean seemed more at peace with himself and others than usual. Sarah had helped him. Maybe his nocturnal discussions with Cas had too.

Sam still felt jealous about those, but he consciously pushed the feeling aside. His jealousy was the hangover from an uncertain childhood, with Dean his only certainty. He was not a child now and could not expect Dean to be his alone. Sam loved Cas as much as Dean did and he loved Dean more than anything and they both needed their time at Bobby's, as all of them needed their time at Sarah's. If Dean could let Cas go to the farm, Sam could allow Dean some guilt-free trips inside his own head.

Cas's phone announced the arrival of a text and he got it out and checked the message. He smiled.

"Jules?" said Dean hopefully.

"Yes." said Cas.

"Another Bible text?"

Cas put the phone back into his pocket. "Emphatically not." he said.

"Great," said Dean, "We graduated from Bible Camp."

"What did she say?" said Jack.

"Eat your food." said Dean.

"It's private." said Cas.

Sam liked that response. Cas was finally understanding that he could set boundaries, that he had a life of his own and the right to keep parts of it to himself. He suspected the text was innocent and unexciting by their standards, but for Cas, anything even hinting at intimacy or affection felt like a big deal.

"Are you gonna reply?" said Dean.

"Yes, but not now." said Cas, "I need to consider my response." 

Sam was proud of his brother's restraint. He knew how much Dean wanted to advise and assist, but he respected his friend's privacy and stayed out of it.

"Do you think you'll marry Jules?" said Jack.

Cas looked at him in surprise. "You mean will I stand in front of a God who isn't interested and witnesses who don't understand and make a promise to be with her forever when I can't promise to be with her tomorrow? Probably not."

"Nobody knows how long forever is." said Mary.

"Things are a little different for angels." said Cas.

Dean opened his mouth to say something, but Sam warned him off with a barely noticeable shake of his head. Instead, Dean turned to Bobby and started a long discussion of the derelict chicken coop at the farm. Bobby was confident that he could build a better coop for her. He loved to make and build things. So many years of watching his own world be destroyed had left him with a need to build and renew where he could.

It was great to hear Dean talk of future plans, of new chickens for Sarah, even if the future involved did not need him to be around. He sounded as if he wanted to see those chickens, as if he were invested in the future of Sarah's little farm. That seemed hopeful.

Clearly, their mother felt the same way. "Sarah's been good for you." she said to Dean.

He didn't even try to deny it. "She has." he said, "Things are good, right now. I've put my head in order, Cas has found true love. The only one we need to worry about now is Sam. We need to make him go to the farm next."

"My issues will keep." said Sam.

"Yeah, they'll keep coming up until you deal with them. I used to be like you ... "

"Yeah, a week ago." said Sam, well aware that he had been making an effort to open up from the time he met Sarah.

"Shut up." said Dean, without anger.

"Yeah, you shut up." said Sam.

"Boys!" said their mother. Both sat up straighter and stopped arguing.

"You have got to teach me how you do that, Mary." said Bobby.

"It's a Mom thing." she said.

"Yes it is!" said Dean, such naked emotion visible on his face that Sam had to look away. It was beautiful to see, but he didn't want Dean to know he had seen it. Not talking about the trauma and grief of Dean's short childhood had been a cornerstone of their relationship for as long as he could remember. It didn't mean that Sam didn't know how much Dean longed for all the Mom things he could get.


	117. Chapter 117

Dean was pretending to work on the Impala when Jules arrived and parked her Jeep in the garage. "Hi." she said, coming over to him, "Has he changed his mind yet?"

"You think he will?" he said.

"He does it about fifteen times a day. The odds are not in my favour."

Dean smiled at her, only too aware of how easily Cas could be discouraged. "He told Jack and Jack was happy for you both. That was the biggest risk, that he'd think he couldn't or shouldn't leave Jack."

"The biggest risk was that he'd decide he couldn't leave you." she said.

Dean quickly prayed, "Castiel, Jules is here."

"You pray to him?" said Jules.

"Yeah. For one-way communication, it works pretty well."

"On our world, prayer was a bad idea. I know he wants me to pray when I need him, but in my mind, it's too associated with the angels we knew."

"Understandable." said Dean.

"I know he doesn't want me to think of him like them and I honestly don't. I mean, they were sadistic bastards and he's the gentlest ... "

"You wouldn't be in this relationship if you couldn't see that he's different." said Dean.

"But I know he thinks that I am afraid of him and I am, a little. We discussed his powers and they are frightening. And Heaven can control him."

"Yes, all true." said Dean, "But any relationship might have hidden dangers. At least in yours, you see them clearly. Breaking Heaven's hold on Cas is high on my list. I'm working on it. He needs to be free, then you and he will both be safe."

"Can he be free without losing who he is?" she said.

Dean loved her for that. Most people would only want him rendered harmless to them.

They both fell silent as Cas came into the garage. He walked quickly to Jules and took her hand and held it briefly, before letting go and looking into her eyes. "I missed you." he said.

"It's only been hours." she said.

"I missed you the moment you were out of sight." he said, "Sorry if that sounds ... "

"It doesn't." she said, "It'll take me a while to gather my gear."

"Do you want me to help you?" asked Cas.

"Of course she does." said Dean.

"Maybe not." said Cas, "Her room is private."

"Cas, you're in a relationship." said Dean. 

Jules gave him a look and he understood. Things that were obvious to him were not so clear to Cas. He was still learning about what a relationship was and he was afraid of making a mistake, assuming something that was terribly wrong, hurting her feelings or losing her trust. That Jules understood how fragile his grasp on the situation was made Dean very hopeful for their future.

"I'd love your help." she said, "From now on, we share a room. I don't need privacy from you. I don't need secrets. We're together. Sarah and I have some great plans for the farm and the place will really come to life again. We'll have a good home there."

"I know we will." said Cas and Dean was pleased to hear the faith and confidence in his voice.

"But if you need some time with Dean and Sam and Jack ... "

"We've done all that." said Dean.

"And we can meet tonight at Bobby's." Cas suggested.

"Yeah, if you're not busy, but I won't open the link if you don't and if I think it's opened accidentally, I'll close it." said Dean.

"We appreciate all your efforts." said Jules, "But I don't think we'll need them tonight."

"Shame." said Dean, "I keep hoping ... "

"Me too," she said, "But I don't wanna rush things."

"Are we talking about sex?" said Cas.

Jules and Dean exchanged rueful glances. "And that's why." she said.

"Cas, why don't you go and find some bags for Jules?" said Dean.

When Cas had gome, Jules said, "How that reaper got him in a single night, I will never know."

"He was having a rough time and he was without his grace. He was virtually human and his human drives took over." he said, "I had a little thing with an angel myself and she was very human at the time."

"You're not making me feel any better about our prospects." said Jules.

"Don't worry. He's all angel now and you have him practically licking the floor."

"Disgusting image."

"I have heaps of them." he said with a grin. "He's horny as hell for you and deeply in love and all the angel alabaster cold and all his indecision can't stop him wanting you. So just keep doing what you're doing and sooner or later, it will happen."

She smiled.

"What?" he said.

"Never thought I'd be relying on you for relationship advice."


	118. Chapter 118

In the library, Mary put her hand on Sam's shoulder and looked at his laptop screen. "What are you working on?" she said.

"I just thought, with the offworlders heading out to their new lives in this world, they might want a little Earth 101 presentation to make sure they understand a little about the culture. It's just the basics, politics, current affairs, entertainment."

"You're doing a great job with them." she said. She sat beside him. "Tell me if I'm in the way. I just love watching you work."

"You're never in the way." he said, "You never could be." He smiled at her. They had the same smile. Her angry face was all Dean, or Dean's was all her, but her smile matched Sam's. "I'm glad you're here." he said.

"So am I." she said, "There's nowhere I'd rather be." She looked into his eyes for a long time, then said, "We've missed out on so much. All those mother-son chats we should have had."

"Slammed doors, Campbell v Winchester battles of will." said Sam, "Dad and I ... we argued a lot. At least you and I never had to go through that."

"I was never there for you. You fell and I wasn't there to kiss you better. You were scared and I wasn't there to reassure you."

"Dean was, every time. Dean stood in for you. And in a way, that was you, because you were the one that showed him how to do it."

She nodded. "You're so like him, Sam. You always try to minimise the pain of others. It does help, though, to know you had each other all those years. This change in him ... it's real, isn't it? I mean, he hides things well and he fakes fine better than anyone I know ... Well, almost anyone. But you believe in this change, don't you?"

He was happy to be able to reassure her honestly. "Yes, I do. Sarah has a way of getting through to him, of getting him to open up to her. When he does, she understands, without judgement or condemnation. He can talk to her about stuff he won't even mention to me. It's real. Some deep wounds are being healed. Lots of work to do, but he's really making the effort."

"And you're proud of him."

"More than I could ever tell him."

"Me too." she said.

He could feel her trying not to push him, but desperately wanting to. "Look," he said, "When all this is over ... "

"All what?"

"The risk from Michael. All that. I'll go to the farm and I'll see if Sarah can fix me too."

"I think she will help you to fix yourself."

"Same thing. I'm not claiming I don't have issues. I do. But I live with them pretty well. I don't have Dean's irrational self-loathing. I don't have a lot of guilt. In fact, sometimes I wish I felt more guilt, because I've done a lot of terrible things." 

"That sounds like guilt to me." she said.

"Mom, there are things you don't know ... things that aren't even in those books."

"Do you want me to know them?" she asked.

"Hell, no!"

"Whatever they are, I don't need to know them. I already forgive you."

"Without knowing what they are, how can you?"

"Do you imagine there's anything you could ever do that I couldn't forgive?"

"I can't forgive some of it and I'm pretty forgiving."

She smiled. "If you wanted to talk, I would listen, but you really don't want to talk to me, do you?"

"About anything else, yes, but not that."

"And with Sarah, you know you can talk as much as you like and she will never judge you or hate you or reject you. So talk to her. Tell her all the things you can't tell me. Don't put it off because you want to save the world again first. We both know that the world will never not need saving."

"That's probably true." he said, "But I have an obligation here. The offworlders ... I can't just leave them to go off and ... "

"Dean did."

He lowered his voice. "Mom, the truth is, I need them. I need not to fail them. It feels like I have a chance to make up for some of the crap I pulled in the past. I can prove to myself ... to Dean, that I am good. That I am good enough."

"Dean has no doubts about that. Honestly, Sam, everything he says about you is so positive, so proud."

"Yeah, I just wanna be the person he says I am. Sometimes, I don't see that person at all."

"I do." she said.

"He never gave up on me, even when I had let him down completely. I need that not to be a mistake. Does that make sense?"

"Sammy, you're talking to the screw-up queen. It makes perfect sense."

He put his hand on hers. "Mom, you didn't screw up."

"I'm the reason you and Dean both spent time in Hell."

"You're the reason we exist, the reason Dad didn't die. I know Winchester guilt is a powerful thing, but it's also 99 percent irrational. You did what we've all done. You were in an impossible situation, you grabbed at the only solution available and you saved Dad. Dean and I do the same thing. We take the bad choice to avoid a worse outcome and we deal with the consequences later. Maybe that's dumb. Maybe we're all wrong to do it. Every time, it has seemed like the only way out."

"Sometimes, it seems like, because of my dumb choice, I will never see my boys live the long, happy lives they were supposed to. One day, I will see one or both of you die."

"It's possible. It's likely. Dean thinks it's almost certain. It's still worth it. What you did is the reason why this world didn't die like Bobby's did. Whether we die tomorrow or in sixty years, our lives have meant something, to this world and to us. What you did ... I'm glad you did it."

She smiled at him. "You're a good son, Sam Winchester."

"Yeah, well, I had the best parents." he said, "And a frickin' amazing brother."


	119. Chapter 119

Cas and Jules were loading the last of her stuff into her Jeep. As Jules arranged the bags to her liking, Cas picked up her iron-arrayed ghostproof jacket. "This is so clever." he said.

"Just good sense." she said, taking it from him and rolling it up before putting it between too bags. 

"Could you add silver without adding too much weight to it?" he said.

"Maybe." she said, "Maybe strips of pure silver chains could be light enough. I like the way you think."

"Hmm." he said, wondering if she'd feel the same way if she knew how often his thoughts involved their naked limbs entwining.

"Something wrong?" she said, turning to look at him.

"No, nothing." he said. He smiled at her.

"Cas, you're kinda freaking me out."

"Sorry.I was trying to be reassuring. Still not great with the human stuff."

She turned from her stuff and put her arms around his neck. "Cas, you're great at all the human stuff. I don't expect perfection. You're not human. You shouldn't try to be."

"Angels are dicks. You and Dean both hate angels. Even I hate angels." he said.

She kissed him. "I don't hate you. I love you."

"I know, despite my angelic nature."

"Love isn't despite anything, Cas. I have misgivings about some of your powers and knowing what Naomi can do to you scares me, but I knew you were an angel from the start. I fell in love with an angel. Wasn't expecting to, but I did. You don't have to change or conceal any part of who and what you are from me.

He kissed her tenderly, more grateful than he could ever express for her ability to see him as everything the other angels were not. He wasn't sure she was right, but it felt good, to be seen as worthy of her love.

He stepped back and took a gun out of his pocket, handing it to her carefully. "Keep this with you."

"I already have about eight guns." she said.

"I know, but this one is loaded with angel killing bullets. You don't seem to carry any of those."

"No and I won't. Does Lois Lane wear kryptonite earrings?"

"I know you don't want to carry the means of my destruction, but we must be realistic and accept that I am potentially the means of yours."

"I told you, I accept that risk."

"Well, I don't." he said.

"I will never be able to aim this gun at you and squeeze the trigger." she said.

"You will if you need to. I have faith in you. You are a hunter. If I become a monster ... "

"Don't talk like that." she said. He saw tears in her eyes.

"It may never happen. I just want to be sure you have a way to protect yourself."

"Maybe I don't wanna protect myself if it means killing the one I love."

"Dean wouldn't hesitate." said Cas.

"Then Dean can shoot you. I won't."

"Dean will be a thirty minute drive away."

Jules tried to give him back the gun. "I don't want this and I don't want you talking like you're a werewolf or something."

He pushed her hand and the gun in it back towards her. "It's not just me. Consider it protection from Naomi or any other angel who may come after you because of me."

"You said the farm was safe." she said.

"It is. It's as safe as I could make it, but angel warding is not infallible. There are ways to break it in time. And I couldn't ward against all angels and still get in and out myself. I could also give you Enochian warding on your ribs to shield you from their detection. I did that for the Winchesters."

"They still seem to get into a lot of fights with angels." she said.

"But at least they can hide from them." he said, "It's just that neither of them is really the hiding type."

"Neither am I. If this warding is so good, why haven't you done it before?"

"Because it does work on all angels. I wouldn't be able to find you either. At least not by angelic methods." He knew he could never express to her how hard it would be not to feel her location at all times.

"I don't like the sound of that." she said, "Let's not do that for now."

"Then keep the gun and keep it fully loaded." he said.

She nodded. "Okay. I will keep the gun, but for Naomi, not for you. You understand?"

"Yes, understood." he said, "Aim for the head. Quick, effective and relatively painless. A shot to the torso can be survived and it hurts like Hell. Great way to torture an angel. Eventually fatal, if the bullet isn't removed."

"Can we stop talking about maiming and killing angels now, please." she said.

"Sorry. I just ... "

"I know what you just, but we are not talking about this stuff anymore. I'll keep the gun, but you can stop planning suicide by hunter. This hunter will never try to kill you."

"Never is a lot to promise. Dean and I have fought more than once."

"I'm not Dean." 

He smiled, this time for real. "I'm very glad about that." he said, "Dean is nowhere near as hot."

She grinned. "Cas, you're adorable!"

"Is that a good thing?" he said, worried he was fast becoming more of a kitten than a lover to her.

"Everything about you is good." she said, "I love you."

"Good. I worry that adorable is not the same as desirable."

"You want to be desirable?" she said.

"I want to be desired ... by you. Nobody else."

She stroked his chest, causing a fluttering sensation and making him long for more. "Castiel, angel of my heart, I never met anyone more desirable than you. In fact, if you wanted to ... "

"Hello!" said Jack, approaching them.

"Damn!" whispered Jules unexpectedly.

"It's only Jack." said Cas.

"Should I go?" said Jack.

"No." said Jules, "I just remembered I forgot something."

"What?" said Cas.

"I don't know. I've forgotten." she said.

"Call me when you remember. I'll get it for you." said Jack.

She smiled at him. "Thanks, Jack. You're a good kid."

"I just came to say I'm really happy for you and Castiel. It's great that things are working out for you two. He never thinks of himself and I really want him to be happy. I think he will be, with you. I'll miss him, but at least I know he has everything he needs."

"That's sweet of you, Jack." said Jules, "And there's no need to miss him. You will always be welcome at the farm and we're gonna be here so often it'll be like we never left."

"And when we're not here and you're not there, you'll have Sam and Dean." said Cas.

"I know. I'll be fine. I'll be great. So you go and be happy. You finally have a life of your own."

"My life begins and ends with this family." said Cas, "And this family will always include you."

"I know it will." said Jack.


	120. Chapter 120

  
Dean heard Eye of the Tiger playing as he approached the gym and he smiled. It was way too loud for most, but just fine to him. He tucked one of the beer bottles he carried under his arm, then opened the door and saw his mother's focused face change to a sudden smile. She stepped off the treadmill and said, "Dean!"

"Brought you a refreshing beer." he said, "Thought you'd want one about now."

"Well, you thought right." she said, taking it and effortlessly opening it. A hunter thing. A Winchester thing. He opened the other bottle and took a long, cool drink.

"I thought you'd be seeing Cas off." she said.

"Yeah, soon." he said, "He and Jules are packing her stuff. To be honest, they don't need me to wave them off. Today is just a day. It's not like I'll never see him again. I should probably not make too big a deal of it. Cas has enough doubts."

She nodded, her eyes never leaving his face as she drank her beer.

"Don't look at me like that." he said and he didn't mean a word of it. That was the look he had gone there to see. 

He could't tell Cas or Sam how hard it was to accept this stupid, temporary, partial departure. He couldn't whine to Jules about how her happiness was inconvenient to him, when her happiness meant moving to the farm and giving up the security of the bunker. He couldn't even talk to Jack about losing a brother from the bunker when Jack was losing a father and being so good about it. A little understanding and sympathy from his mother would help a lot.

"They're cute together." he said, "I know they can be great together."

"You've encouraged and supported them all the way." she said, "I don't pretend to understand your relationship with Cas, but you're a good friend to him."

"Good friends would probably be happier about this." he said.

"When I was thirteen, my best friend moved to France with her family. I knew it was a great opportunity for her and I said all the right things, but I had some mixed feelings, even resentment, that she was willing to leave me."

His immediate instinct was to reply that he was not a thirteen year old girl, but he didn't. "Did you ever tell her that?" he said.

"No. I never told anyone that. It seemed petty and selfish. We wrote each other a few times. We lost touch after a while." She frowned and said, "But that won't happen with you and Cas. You'll see each other all the time."

"Yeah, nothing's really changing." he said, "So I am petty and selfish and also dumb. Let's not forget dumb."

"He's going and if you asked him not to, or even hinted that you don't want him to, he would stay." she said, "And you're not dumb. You were reading by the time you were three. You know the lore inside out. You're not even dumb about people. You understand everyone but yourself and I think, since you met Sarah, you understand yourself a lot better too. Or maybe you're just willing to say aloud what you've always known."

"I know one thing," he said, "I'm glad I finally have a real relationship with you. All that cautiously circling each other, trying not to get hurt was exhausting. I still keep expecting to lose you again ... my life makes that feel inevitable, but this ... this is real. You're here, now and you're you and I ,.. "

"You're my son, my firstborn. And after everything, you still love me."

"Because of everything," he said, "I will always love you. I'm proud of you, Mary Winchester."

She touched her beer bottle to his. "I'm proud of you, Dean, now and always. Now, go say a short, unemotional goodbye to your best friend, so you and he both feel okay about this. I'm gonna take a shower."

"Sam's orange blossom shampoo is hidden ... "

"Yeah, I know. Why do you think my hair is so soft and shiny?"


	121. Chapter 121

When Dean got back to the garage, Sam seemed the most pleased to see him. He hurried over and said quietly, "I was starting to think you were gonna avoid this."

"It's no big deal." said Dean. They went to the Jeep. "You two about ready to go?" he said.

"Everything's loaded." said Jules.

"Except something Jules forgot, but she can't remember what that is." said Jack.

"It's not important." she said.

"Well, you should get going." said Dean, "I'll bet Sarah has a good supper planned. Cas, I don't expect you to come to the bunker every day, but check in, okay? Don't disappear on me."

"I won't." said Cas.

"And Jules, keep an eye on that car of his. Don't trust him to do basic maintenance. He keeps forgetting that it needs gas."

"That's happened maybe four times." said Cas, "Hardly a habit."

Dean and Jules exchanged a look. "See?" said Dean.

"Four times is quite a lot." said Sam.

"You just need to check it from time to time, because he won't." said Dean.

"Don't worry. I'm very protective of Cas. I'll take good care of him." said Jules.

"I'm not a child." said Cas.

"No, a child knows a car needs gas." said Dean.

"Don't get offended." said Sam, "He treats me like I'm five years old too. It's how he shows love."

Dean almost argued, then he looked Cas in the eye and said, "Be happy, okay? And you have no excuse now."

"For what?"

"You know for what. The link is under conscious control and I promise to close it if I feel anything I am not supposed to be aware of."

"So you're obsessing over my sex life again." said Cas.

"Kissing by a creek is not a sex life." said Dean.

"You weren't there." said Jules with a smile. Dean could almost swear that Cas blushed.

"Are you sure you're not just trying to live vicariously through me?" said Cas, "Because I don't remember the last time you saw any action in that context."

"No," said Dean, "Because if I wanted to live vicariously through someone, I would choose someone more interesting."

"Dean ... " Sam began.

"It's okay, Sam." said Cas, "He didn't even try to mean that one."

Dean looked at the floor, aware that they could all read him like a book. They all knew how little he wanted Cas to go and how determined he was to make sure he did. He felt exposed and awkward, but also weirdly reassured. They were all okay with it, even Cas.

"I'm trying." he said.

Cas nodded. "I know. This isn't easy for me either."

"But we have instant free communication."

"We do." Cas agreed, "Thanks, Dean. No angel ever had a better friend."

"I have a horrible feeling that's true." said Dean, "It's probably why you're all so screwed up. Look, I mean it, you need me, use the link. And if you need some decent rest, we can do that thing again."

"Last time, it was hard work for you. You barely got any rest yourself."

"Hunters run best on exhaustion tempered with caffeine." said Dean.

"Dean's been running on that for decades." said Sam.

"Yeah, you didn't sleep for a year. Pot, kettle." said Dean.

"If you want me to be happy, you should both take better care of yourselves." said Cas.

"What, and leave you nothing to heal?" said Dean, "I don't wanna take away your reason to come see us." It was a joke, but they knew as well as he did that he wasn't entirely joking.

"He won't willingly stay away for more than a day." said Jules, "This relationship is crowded."

"It is." Dean admitted, "And that must really suck for you. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You're the reason he's here to be with me. You all are."

"Anyway," said Dean to Cas, "We can keep it dreamless. No stress for either of us then."

"Maybe." said Cas.

"And now that the link is ours to use, we'd be mad not to make some practical use of it."

"True." said Cas.

"Of course, I don't expect to see you at Bobby's if you get a better offer." said Dean, with a meaningful look at Jules.

"Does anyone else feel deeply uncomfortable listening to this conversation?" said Sam.

"Not really." said Jack, "I don't really understand much of it."

"We should go." said Jules, getting into the Jeep.

"Yes, we should." said Cas. For a moment, he looked as if he might hug Dean, but he didn't. Instead, he nodded to him awkwardly and got into the passenger seat. He leant across to Jules and Dean heard him say, "You're not uncomfortable with the idea of my sleeping with Dean again, are you?"

"No." she said, "But I will never get used to you saying it like that."

"Dean doesn't like me saying it like that either." said Cas with a curious look towards Dean.

"How does Dean refer to it?" said Jules.

Dean put his head through the open window. "Carefully." he said, "Very carefully."

  
_ The End. _

_ Next: Broken Arrow _


End file.
